Farewell, Alpha
01-27-2010 Wednesday
With much regret, I have decided to sell my preloved Honda Wave Alpha, as much as I would like to keep it I have two reasons for selling it: 1. After the accident, my gramma has forbidden me to ride the motorcycle and she doesn't want to see that thing anymore, 2. I desperately need the money for the rehab bill of my mom.
If only I can keep it, I definitely would but the circumstances are really asking me to give it up. Besides, I don't want Alex to get on a motorcycle until he learns to be more careful instead of always thinking about racing against other riders.
I advertised my motorcycle for sale at two different trusted websites and just the day after that, we have received countless calls and text inquiries about it. A lot of interested buyers and for the past few days, we have been dead busy in dealing with all the meet ups to accomodate all the interested buyers with a reasonable price offer for the motorcycle.
Finally, we settled a deal with this guy from Laguna, who was kind enough to bare with us even though we're always two to three hours late on a meet up. I was trying to handle all these things at once, so it was really hard for me. I was sick, I had a bad cough and flu and I frequently throw up.
Alex and I tried to do all this in a rush, because he has things to do and I also need to get some rest if I wanted to still be alive for many more years. In between visiting the doctor, we were running around to negotiate with the buyer.
It's just today that we've officially closed the deal, and sold the beloved motorcycle for Php17,000. It's not in a really good shape and Alex didn't tell all the details in the ad that we posted so bottomline, we did not get the Php20,000 we're both expecting. I told him I hope he'll know how to sell the right way because he's the one more disappointed about it.
As for me, I'm satisfied that all this was over and I can finally rest. On the other hand, I'm also saddened that I have to sell that beloved thing. I am melodramatic, let me all remind you, so I hope you don't get surprised if I'm gonna say that the motorcycle has a lot of memories on it. When I bought it, I met Alex and he helped me get started with the motorcycle stuff. He taught me how to drive, we went to places with it, we were all over the place, celebrating our freedom of being able to go anywhere without having to commute.
I will miss that red thing. I will miss the roaring sound of it whenever Alex would come to our house, I will miss the wind against my face, the feel of Alex's warmth as I clung to him through out the wonderful joyride, the sound of it's horn, the feel of the accelerator in the palm of my hand, the grease, dirt, cleaning it all, everything about the motorcycle has meant lot to me. Alex is planning to get a newer one when he has enough money and I told him that's fine but I know it will never be the same as my Honda Alpha.
Another thing that I'm also gonna miss is the time Alex has spent with me throughout our selling ordeal. He has stayed at our house for almost 5 days combined and I know that as much as I wanted to avoid being used to it, I can't help it. I miss seeing him first thing in the morning, I miss him watching over me in my sleep when I was battling with a fever. I know now that the motorcycle is gone, I have a feeling that I'll rarely see him, he'll be busy with something else to be able to earn enough money for a new motorcycle. His assurance is not something I'm really counting on, I knew him too well.
Ok, Alpha's gone bye-bye. I wonder what or who's next on the farewell list.
Labels: alex, buyer, deed, Honda Alpha, pink crimson, red, seller
Scars Issue
01-24-2010 Sunday
The wounds on my badly beaten arm are starting to heal, which is a relief because I can finally take a bath without crying in pain. Merely 4 days ago when the accident happened, these wounds are fresh and everytime it was touched by water, every layer of my skin is screaming with unexplainable pain. It was a nightmare.
It was so painful you'll feel like you will lose consciousness, it was like the pain I felt when the doctor cleaned my wounds, God I swear I was like a 5 year old kid crying in the emergency room as the good doctor mercilessly wiped my wounds with this wet gauze. Looking back, I know I was so close to fainting that my vision has started to blur. I'm still wondering how I made it alive. The accident is bad but the wounds you get, and the pain from those wounds are the worst. I suddenly prefer an operation, at least they cut you in half without you knowing it or feeling any pain, thank heavens anesthesia was invented.
Another thing I have to deal with now is the scars after the wounds have healed. The good doctor gave me this healing cream that will also prevent scars, according to him. Well, here I am hoping that's true because I can't always wear a jacket all the time just to hide my arms! My right arm looks hideous now, it looked like it was burned. Some of the scraped skin are starting to peel off, and it's this ugly shade of brown that stands out from my fair skin. I really hope this wouldn't leave any scar, uhh, a little is okay but not as big as this wound now, oh please.
Can anyone suggest a good product guaranteed to make scars disappear? This is just in case the healing cream is not as good as I was told. I'm hoping it is but I wanted to be really really sure that I won't have any scars. How will I become a movie star if I have these nasty scars on my arm?! Hell yeah.
I will wait for the results of this healing cream but of course, I want to be armed with another product to use on my healing wounds, again, to make sure that my arm will look as it did before. Let's see, I will look around some products and some suggestions will also help. Anyone? Please?
Alright, I'm out, I'm getting hungry again. Alex is sprawled on the floor under my feet, snoring like a pig and I gotta give this guy a nice kick to wake him up, it's almost dinner time. You know, after the accident, he's making it up to me by spending lots of time with me in the house to take care of me and to help out. Hah! He gotta do it, otherwise, I'll be really bitchy to him. I'm totally out, now!
Labels: alex, cream, healing, pink crimson, scars, wounded
Beating Boredom
01-23-2010 Saturday
Howdy, I'm back. Sorry, I didn't give yáll much time to miss me eh? Well, I realized I have nothing to do anyway. I've watched two kinda long films titled
'Dorothy' and
'The Abandoned'. I didn't enjoy those films much, maybe because my eyes are tired from staring at the TV, even feeling like I would throw up after watching. My eyes are starting to give me a hard time as much as this bad right arm, and it's making me not like this vacation thing that I've been given.
I did nothing useful today, matter of fact, I felt like a freaking useless sloth who can die at anytime without anyone noticing. I want to help out in the house chores but even the littlest effort to move around is killing me. The pain creeps from my badly wounded arm to every part of my body. It's amazing how the entire body feels one single pain a part of it feels, I can't remember studying anatomy so all I can say about it is it's freaking amazing.
In a way, I'm also missing going to work. Not that I want to take in calls again, I just want to see the remaining teammates that I can call family at work. Besides, I need my salary but it looks like I wouldn't be expecting much by next payday. I'm calculating how much I'm gonna earn for working a two day 11 hour shift. 2 days because by next week, I'll be on leave again for 2 days. Seems like when I file a leave, it's always approved in the wrong time.
Well, my body is craving for this type of rest so even if it means, I'm not gonna earn much next payday then so be it. This rest is very much needed for my body to rejuvenate, and health is more important than lots of money.
Ok, I have to stop typing again. Got some meds to take, and gotta sleep early. I was just slightly bored so I decided to face the computer for a couple of minutes, and I missed being online for hours..well, now's not the time to post some long boring stuff..I really have to go. Goodnight guys!
Labels: accident, Dorothy, leave, pink crimson, The Abandoned, vacation, wounded
The Accident
01-20-2010 Wednesday
Right now, I'm writing this blog with one good hand while the other one is slowly trying to type. You folks might not hear from me for a few days because I really can't type well with one hand (if any one of you can, then that's good news).
I had an accident on the motorcycle. Blame it on Alex and his goddamn ego who always think of a crowded highway as a fucking race track and anyone riding on a motorcycle who happens to glance his way means that they're wanting a race.
If only I have enough energy in my right hand, I will tell all the details of that accident in this post but unfortunately, my wounded right arm is starting to hurt like hell again and I need to grab my healing cream to somehow lessen this piercing pain.
I really can't stay in this computer any longer. I am badly wounded on my right arm and it's screaming at me now to lie down and get some rest. Oh wait, let me say this, one good thing about this accident is that I'm gonna take a week off from work. No stress, no calls, no spoiled Americans. I have enough medical certificates ready to file when I come back. For now, I can rest, sleep all day, watch some movie while I'm trying to recover. Woopie!
Uh-oh, my arm is throbbing with pain now. Gotta go folks.
Labels: accident, alex, motorcycle, pink crimson
Losing More of It
01-18-2010 Monday
I'll be losing more money, I'm starting to accept that fact after we visited my mom in the rehab and I found out that they can't discharge her on the 24th because her doctor did not leave any memo or anything that she can go out by the 24th. Her doctor went to the US to attend some, I don't know doctor stuff maybe. She was temporarily replaced by a substitute doctor whom I was able to talk to and she's the one who told me that she doesn't have the authority to discharge my mom.
During our visit, my mom showed signs of her insanity again when she shouted for me as we were walking past their dorm. She was panicking when she was told by the substitute doctor that they will not release her this Sunday. She was anxious again and I hated the way she's acting. She was telling us that we should've listened to her, that way things don't have to turn out this way. I was controlling myself the whole time, to keep my mouth shut, I was so close to blurting out,
"You can't blame us for your insanity, you fucking bitch."She doesn't look good again and I really really hate her for that. Here I am wasting money for her treatment and all she does is act fucked up again. She kept on thinking about the past, she can't fucking move on and she's such a wimp for letting her sickness eat her alive.
With her staying longer in the rehab, I braced myself for more money wasted. I have no choice but wait for her doctor who's scheduled to be back some time this February. On the other hand, I was partially relieved because that gives me more time also to own the house, and savor the peacefulness of her being gone.
I told my gramma that if I am filthy rich, I don't care paying about Php15,000 a month for her stay in the rehab as long as they can promise us that her fucked up mind will straighten up. If I am rich enough, I will let her stay there for 6 months or even a year, I don't fucking care if she says she's homesick or if she's losing weight there, she needs to sober up and be a real human being who's in touch with reality before she can set foot in our house again.
The sad truth is I ain't rich. The monthly bill for the rehab is my entire month's salary without taxes, so if you deduct the taxes, deduct the bills at home and our daily food, I only have less than 5000 a month to use for her treatment. It's not even half of what it costs. I'm struggling to make money while my mother is being a worthless piece of insane shit. I hate her more for that.
I have to think of ways to earn enough money for her longer stay in the rehab. I'm really gonna need all the help I could get but the problem is, there's really no one to ask for help. I'm in this alone. I don't think God appreciates me now for hating my mom. Sorry dear Lord, can't help it....
Labels: bitch, daughter, mother, pink crimson, Rehab. CLDRC
Gone Gone
01-17-2010 Sunday
The good news; brother Jeff decides to stay. When he showed up at work, he's not bringing any white sheet of paper. That's a good sign, no resignation letter. Even though we all know it's just for now, it's still a relief for me. Both him and Carlo resigning at the same time would be too much for me.
The bad news is, Carlo aka Peanut man's resignation is effective as of yesterday so that means he will no longer show up for work. And another thing, Belle also submitted her resignation letter. We lost two members of the team in just a week. I should shove it to the face of our management who kept on insisting that they're not doing the hard-to-reach goals just to get rid of agents.
The evident is showing already. It's not just for our team. Some of my colleagues who are not part of my team, are also struggling not to be terminated for not hitting the goals. I don't get it. The higher management really don't give a fuck about your tenure in the company. For them, if you're not as useful as you were before, then you're a dead meat. Simple as that.
I'm tired. So fucking tired. I've stopped complaining, but it didn't change the fact that I am tired. People are leaving. Things kept on changing. Yet, I still find it hard to move. I want to do nothing. I want to stop thinking about things. I want a simple, laid back life with no worries. I want to stop trying.
I seriously want to stop trying.
Labels: agent, Jeff, peanut man, pink crimson, sprint, team, Utah
Stinking Faggots
01-16-2010 Saturday
Can I just let it all out in one fucking post? Stress, pressure, anger, it's all building up inside my system right now and I feel like I will literally throw up if I can't get it out of me. Why is this happening to us? I know it's not just me, everyone in my team is getting bullshit calls, bullshit, nonsense, non-fucking-sales calls.
WHY?I know I did a good job last month, I know I have the skills, I know I can fucking sell, I am a fucking telesales rep. Why is it hard for them to understand that even the best goddamn sales agent wouldn't be able to sell to stinking bastards who were just trying to do something else over the phone? What if they already placed an order, like 2 days ago?
What if all they wanted is Technical Support, or Billing, or Cancellations or GOD-KNOWS-WHAT-ELSE?WHY ARE THEY ROUTING THIS TYPES OF STINKING CALLS TO US??? FUCK, WHY???Ranting and cursing like hell wouldn't give me an answer, I fucking know that already but it's just so frustrating I feel like I'm losing all my hair. Goddamn, it's sad to know that we're working for robots, they're inhuman, no brains, no heart, no feelings at all. All they care about is their employees to make money for them
. They don't give a fuck if we're all pressured beyond our limitations. It wouldn't surprise me if one of my colleagues here will just drop dead on the floor after another worthless call.They kept on saying, if we can't handle the pressure, if we're giving up, the doors are wide open for us to step out. So much for supportive management right? They call that motivation? Why don't they try to understand where we're coming from instead of always thinking of earning money? When I resign, which is some time very soon I think, I want to write a lengthy hate mail to everyone concerned, everyone who made my life hell at work.
That includes... ___________. Figure it out, bitches.On the other hand, I will never forget the people that has been good to me here. The people who never stop supporting me, like my manager. Even though she's almost giving us up, I know she's still staying because she cares for us. She has been more than a manager to me, she is a friend, a sister, a mother, and more. I appreciate everything she has done for me and to our team and I wish all the best for her.
I wouldn't forget my teammates of course. They've been the topic in many of my posts and I wouldn't get tired of repeating over and over how much they mean to me and how much I owe them for making my working days memorable. This is my first job, first call center experience, and I don't know if I would even last here for almost 3 years without these good people behind me.
We've celebrated holidays, which includes Christmas, together, we've been a happy team, a bad team, we've been everything. We've reached goals together, we fell down as one, we become one another's shoulder to cry on and we laughed altogether during those happy times. Now that we're all starting to go our separate ways, it's hard for me to accept the fact that things at work will never be the same again.
I learned that a company is not all about the salary or the job itself, it's also more of an opportunity to express yourself, to open up and to understand how to deal with other people you call colleagues. It's also about dealing with things, the good, the bad, the ups and downs, positives and negatives, and learning quite a few lessons in life at the same time. I am thankful that my first ever job is a memorable one and I am more thankful that I met tons of nice people worth remembering.
I am sad, and at the same time, I feel stressed again. While writing this, I had 10 calls already and the next call stinks worse than the previous one. If I receive another bullshit call, I might grab this computer monitor in front of me and throw it to these assholes in business attire walking around, anticipating your next sale. They're having such an easy lifestyle, easy job of being goddamn spectators to our sales site, while we all die just to make one lousy sale and yet, we get so little in return. They may look elegant from head to toe but for me, they stink like pigs.
They can accuse me of not being productive at work, of not making sales, that's fine with me but they can never accuse me of not doing my best. This is my best, this is blood, bones, skin, sweat, tears and so much more. I've given my everything to close a sale. Pull out a goddamn recording of mine and you can hear me upbeat, lively, eager to turn a shit call into a sale. They can sanction me for having a low performance but I will never ever allow them to tell me that I lack skills.
I've given my best, but I figured that they don't need the best, they don't care if you're selling because of pure luck or skills, it don't matter, as long as you make sales for them, that's it. Hit your goals, be a robot, die happy.
I have to calm down if I wanted to keep the pieces of myself together. There's nothing I can do about this situation and being mad or pessimistic wouldn't help me so there's nothing left for me. Am I gonna grab a gun now and shoot my head?
Gee, it's gonna be hard to part ways with this company but if it means moving on to something better, then I might as well go for it. I'll put together some things at home, especially with my mom returning home in a week, I need to observe how things are gonna be when she comes back, and if everything's good, then I will think of something else to do with my life.
Labels: bitches, calls, faggots, management, pink crimson, sprint, stress, work
Crowded Emptiness
01-15-2009 Friday
Another one will go. Brother 'Peanut' is what I call him, Carlo, to my other teammates and my manager. I'm losing two brothers by the end of this week. Just thinking about it makes me not want to go to work anymore.
The calls kept on getting worse, no opportunities to sell at all, but in spite of that, they pressure us like we're their bitches. I'm really starting to worry about what's gonna happen to us here at work. The team is slowly being shattered as we struggle to make sales to please them and to save our asses.
My team manager kept on saying that she don't know what's happening to us and the thing is she has no idea that we're also having a hard time figuring out what exactly is wrong with ourselves until we came to the conclusion that we tried our damn best, but it simply wasn't enough because the calls we're getting are im-fucking-possible to convert.
The unacceptable thing for me is they treat us like we're dipshits just because we're not able to make lots of sales. Well, that's the sad truth in this type of job that we have, hell, it applies to any situations in life. People treat you like shit if you have no use for them anymore. We just have to learn dealing with it.
I could still deal with work but the hardest thing is to deal with it alone. I was able to deal with everything because I am happy being in the team, being with this group of wonderful, supportive people. If you still remember, a year ago, I submitted a resignation letter but withdrew it because I can't bear the thought of leaving these people that I've grown up with mentally. They helped me grow as a person, as a sales rep, and they helped me open my mind about this business.
We had an extremely blissful 2 years of working together that it's hard to think about the upcoming goodbye. Well, I think, now's the time to start looking for other opportunities, greener pasture, like what others say, or in other words, a better offer for our caliber.
We are not worthless. We deserve so much more than what we're getting now and the most disappointing thing here is that the management doesn't give a fuck to those whose been with the company for a long time. All they care about is making money out of the employees that served as their cash cows. They can always terminate employees, hire new ones, and the cycle goes on and on.
I am deeply saddened by my other teammates, especially my 'brothers', decision of leaving but I can't make them stay. I never thought that it will affect me this much. I guess I never imagined myself to be emotionally attached to them.
When the weekend comes, that will be day that brother Peanut and Jeff will file their resignation. My other teammate Belle might also file or if not, she'll do it by next week. That's 3 people leaving, going on a different path while I feel like I'm still stuck in one place and my feet wouldn't..no,
refused to move.
I can already envision what the office is gonna look like next week. Rows of empty swivel chairs, abandoned computer stations and awkward silence. No laughters, no dirty jokes (courtesy of the brothers), no motivation, no warm smiles and reassuring hands. The emptiness would be too much to take.
How do I move on from here? It will break my heart to part with this company but I have to save my butt from the impending doom. It's not working out anymore. I've been with this company too long, even though I'm looking for other opportunities within the company,a higher position, even that sounded unreachable as well. The key to making it to a higher position here is the friends that you make from the higher management. Basic rule of thumb; be more friendly and it literally pays. How does it work? It's a different story that I might share at another time.
For now, I'm focused on looking for my own path to take. A new road that will hopefully lead me to a better place.
Labels: call center, calls, cashcows, NCO, pink crimson, sales rep, sprint, telesales
Fading to Dust
01-14-2010 Thursday
What does it feels like to burn out? Is it similar to fading away, to fall down, lose all strength to stand up and just accept the fact that you're just a small wimp in a cutthroat world. You're like a fly, easily swatted and smashed to death by greedy humans. Useless, dead, hopeless. I think that's what it feels like to burn out.
I remember a conversation I had with Jeff, my teammate, my brother-from-another-mother and batchmate at work,a week ago when we were talking about our job, the pressure, the years we've spent here, and all things in between. He have this weary look on his face and an upset glance in his eyes.
He told me that he used to ask himself why he's not able to reach the goals unlike most of us in the team.
I told him, it's not just him, that we're all having a hard time reaching the goal. He said, for him, it's every week that he's failing, and he's losing hope. I tried to cheer him up by saying that he can still do it, just hang on, he has his family, his kids to think about.
'That's the thing..' he has told me,
'I have my family to think about. I can't wait for them to terminate me because of my performance, I have to start looking for another company.''I know what you're saying..' and I mean it. I maybe 5 years younger (I think) than him but I know exactly what he's talking about.
'For other people in our team, it's so easy for them to give up, try to get another job without worrying about having food on their table. For us, it's a different thing, it's harder. We BADLY need a job. We have a family counting on us.'He sighed a long and weary sigh.
'You know what, Meann? I'm burned out. That's why I'm failing..'That's it. He has said the word that has been lingering in the back of my mind but hasn't resurfaced until he said that. Burned out. I couldn't think of any better word to use for what we're feeling now. I nodded, pondering his words.
'Yeah, bro. The fire is no longer burning huh?'I stared at his blank eyes, and saw nothing. He's dead inside. He meant every word. I forced a smile when I tried to reminisce with him.
'Remember the first time we stepped here? A whole new world, we're all excited, we have this huge balls of fire burning inside, eager to sell and make history in this company..'He cracked a smile,
'Yes, feels like it was just yesterday. Now, I'm totally..completely..burned out.''So you're leaving?' I was afraid to ask but I still did.
He shrugged,
'Like I said, I can't wait for them to kick my ass outta here, I gotta do something.''Oh well..' I looked into his eyes again. Dead. He was gone. He said he'll do something but I can sense that he's halfway out the door already.
'Don't forget about the good times brother.' I have to force another smile and it's starting to hurt my jaws.
He gave me a big bear hug,
'You Meann, you're stupid and I'm gonna miss you the same way I'm missing Raymond.' Raymond, if you all remember is my other teammate/brother-from-anotha-mother who has resigned several months ago.
'You're stupid, you're a maniac, you're a pervert..and you're a brother. Stupid stupid brother.' I muttered under my breath.
The conversation ended when we both had a call but the words still stayed inside my head. He's leaving. I'm losing another brother. The people that make me happy at work are going away one by one. The people that give me reasons to stay. The people that make me love this job, make it less stressful, less of a bitch. My last post is about changes, and these people seemed to be prepared for the changes as well.
What about me? I need the job, of course, but there's a helluva lot more opportunities outside this company. 3 years of sales experience under my belt, a typing speed of over 50wpm (on a good keyboard, hehe), and don't forget about the skills that I believe I still have. It is hard but it is possible to find another job with a better offer.
I could do it anytime, but the reason why I'm staying is because I'm enjoying the company, the team, the unlimited supply of tissue in the bathroom, the location of the building (abs-cbn, need I say more?) and all those simple things but we're all hating the way they manage our department. The worthless calls we're getting, the impossible to reach goals, and most of all, the very little amount of comission we're earning, something that if you compare to other company, they can offer more than triple of what we're getting now.
With almost every good friend in my team leaving, the calls getting more impossible to convert to sales, the goals getting harder, I mean I know things are not that easy but things shouldn't be that hard that it's close to impossible, it's like they're really trying to get rid of employees.
My grip is not as tight as it used to be. My stats last week sucked and I'm on coaching for not hitting last week's goal. It's not just me who was not able to hit the goal but it's my first time to undergo coaching because of that. First time in 2 years and 8 months of my employment. Geez.
Burned out. Dying. Fading to dust. What does it feels like? Do you really wanna know?
Labels: Burned out, call center, Jeff, NCO, pink crimson, pressure, stress
Awaiting Another Change
01-13-2010 Wednesday
It's a start of a new week at work later and I had this thought inside me that things will start to change at work. For the past few days, I've been dealing with a lot of changes, inspite of that, I'm still not used to it. It's something I know that's gonna come, something that I'm being prepared for but when it hits me, it could still make a huge impact in my life.
For one thing, some of my good friends/team mates are starting to think about their resignation. Pressure, hard to hit goals and bunch of stress. They're trying to look for something else, another company that will provide more salary, less pressure, and as much as I wanted for them to stay, it's beyond my control. I know that this time will come and I can feel it coming slowly right now.
Once my mom gets out of the rehab, I maybe thinking of something else to do with my life. Things are starting to suck at work and we deserve so much more than what we're getting now. I'm tired of taking calls. I'm tired of the pressure. I wanted..something different. Graveyard shift is fine, english language is fine, but I don't know. Given the fact that I'm a high school graduate, I don't have much option for a better job outside of the call center industry. Yet, I still have to try.
I want to embrace change. I want to become part of it. Still, I'm gonna miss these people. Shit, I'm gonna miss them for real...
A HAPPY TEAM.jpg)
TEAM UTAH 4evah..Labels: call center, calls, colleague, NCO, pink crimson, work
Making the Most of IT
01-12-2010 Tuesday
Let me tell yáll a secret..I'm starting to enjoy this 'me' time that I have, 'me' means, just me, no Alex, no headaches. Maybe I got used to him always being with me during my day off, but now that he has other priorities, I realized it's time for me to move along, have my own priorities and enjoy things with no one but myself.
I woke up late, like around 10 am, I believe, because Damien kept on barking early in the morning and I was awakened by his loud barks. I slept when he calmed down and didn't wake again until the sun is high up in the sky. I have nothing to do again so I decided I can go back to Zabarte mall alone to buy some new DVD's.
'Me' time would also mean that I focus on what I want for myself, making myself happy with simple things, things that doesn't cost that much, like what I just mentioned; a DVD,and a nice little oreo sundae at McD's, a new eyeshadow and maybe a good game for my pc. See? I can still be happy by being cheap.
I like feeling light inside, like a feather that floats with the wind. I know that sooner or later, this feeling would go away and I try not to think about those unfortunate things that might happen when hell comes home so for now, since I only have a few days remaining to have fun alone, I have to really make the most out of it.
It doesn't take much to make me happy that's why I'm still wondering why most of the time, happiness seemed to be elusive to me. I used to ask for too much, I will admit that. I used to not be contented, I was always hungry for making more money, on maybe becoming a rich bitch someday that I have forgotten about the simple pleasures in life that are priceless. I used to be like that but I learned a lot of things.
If having a mother who has lost touch with reality is my punishment, then this is the most brutal punishment ever. I prefer something physical. I prefer physical pain. Bruises or scratches or maybe some broken bones, caused by accident could heal in time, but an emotional torture is something that will never heal. It might cease for a little while but eventually, it will come back and haunt you.
Anyway, I bought all the things I wanted at Zabarte mall. I had my hands full already so I headed home, feeling satisfied. Shopping alone is also nice, I'm a girl, I know what I want and I don't need to ask a boyfriend's approval on a certain stuff that I want to buy. I didn't even think about Alex while I was doing some serious shopping and I liked it. Moreover, I no longer feel envious when I see a couple walking hand in hand at the mall.
I enjoyed this time. It makes me think that things are gonna be okay. I'm hoping so bad that things will be okay. I'm tired of having misfortunes. I want something else. Something simple and priceless.
Labels: dvd, happiness, McDo, pink crimson, Zabarte mall
"Me" Time
01-11-2010 Monday
I planned this day with my own things-to-do, things that I've been setting aside due to lack of time, or maybe...uhh opportunity? Haha. Ok, first thing that I badly need to do is visit a dentist. My tooth is not doing pretty well since the light cure stuff that my previous dentist put on it, break and now, there's a small hole in that specific tooth. It doesn't hurt but I don't want that tooth to be exposed like that.
After waking up, I grabbed the small Medicard booklet, provided by our company and searched for the nearest dentist in my area. It's a good thing that basic dental procedures are covered by that Medicard benefit that I'm getting from work. I found one in Novaliches and texted the cellphone number in the booklet. I asked for an appointment and the dentist told me that a patient cancelled his 11am schedule so I can take his place instead. Awesome.
The good news is I got my all my teeth cleaned, the bad news is that one tooth of mine has no hopes of getting another light cure. The damage is too deep. It's either extraction or root canal. The dentist did neither. She said we have to schedule that at another time. I have to take some antibiotics a few days prior to that. Sigh.
When I left the dental clinic, I was contemplating on what to do with this tooth. Somebody told me that root canal hurts like hell and I don't think it's covered by Medicard. Extraction is covered but that means I'm gonna be losing this precious tooth, the first ever tooth that will leave my mouth for good? Doesn't sound good to me. Well, I'll think about it.
After that, I went to Zabarte mall. An old friend of mine texted me, wanting to meet up with me for some good old chit-chat, some catching up with stuff and I decided, it would be good to have someone eat lunch with me so I said yes. I told her she can meet me at the mall. I got there first, and while waiting for her, I bought some stuff needed at home, stuff that, again, I've been wanting to buy but never had the chance to. I bought a wall clock with large numbers on it for my gramma to see the time clearly, a thermos because our old thermos is broken,and a new plastic pink pitcher. I found good deals at the mall so if you wanna know the total cost for all that? P305.00 nothing more, nothing less.
My friend texted me while I was paying at the cashier so after the small cashier, who looked like she hadn't been eating well, handed me the change for my P1000, I hurried downstairs to meet my friend.
We had lunch at McDo, it wasn't my treat, you know I'm a cheapskate, we paid for our own meals and did some chatting while eating. She has lots of stories to share and I half listened, half indulged in my food. I also shared with her the good things, and of course, the bad about my mom. I always feel a strong surge of emotions whenever I talk about what happened to my mom, those days of hell that I've been through. It was like, my words are powerful enough to relive those days. It scares me to go back to that day so as I tell her the story, I would pop a french fries in my mouth in every pause to bring me back to the present time.
She was sympathetic and I appreciate her listening to my long tragic story. I don't wanna spend that day in gloom so I changed the subject after that. A few more chats, then we finished our meal, left McDo and rode a jeepney to go home.
When I get back home, I was too tired to do anything else, there's nothing left to do anyway. Update this blog, ok I just did. What else is left? None. Ok folks, let's call it a day. G'bye.
Labels: dentist, extraction, McDo, Medicard, pink crimson, tooth
An Ordinary Day
01-10-2010 Sunday
It rarely happens that I get an ordinary day off, the kind that I would go home in the afternoon hungry, then I would eat the food that my gramma prepared, and I would probably read some pages of the book I'm reading before going to sleep. A no-worries, ordinary day. Today is one of those rare days for me. I got nothing to do after getting home from work, no plans for the night, no waiting for Alex to show up after midnight, no quick errands to do before going home. It's as simple as going home to sleep and take a day-off.
I blocked all unwanted thoughts from my mind as I slept earlier. It worked for me because I was able to get a nice sleep before waking up at around 4:30pm to catch my favorite weekend showbiz news. My gramma prepared a cooked cob of corn for me. I whipped some dari creme on it and I munched away happily while staring at the TV. What'd I tell you? Just a simple Sunday, nothing else.
I have to make the most out of it today because next week, I'll be back to going places without much of a sleep. I talked to my uncle in Quezon City, whom I'm persuading to let us rent a room in their house so that we can be with a bunch of people from the family. It will help me deal with my mom when she gets released from the rehab. He said I need to go there next Sunday after I get off from work so we can talk personally.
Then, next Monday, Alex and I will go to his hometown in Cavite, something that's supposed to be tomorrow but it doesn't surprise me that it got rescheduled because something came up, in his job of course. It's been awhile since we last went to Cavite and I missed that place so much. The peaceful and simple life back there, I am hoping that when we get there, Alex will be back to being simple, back to what he used to be. It has been months also that he wasn't able to visit there because of his damn job of course that knows no day off.
We will probably be back to Manila by Tuesday night, it's just a short visit and even though I would like to stay there a bit longer, I have to go to Pampanga by Wednesday for an appointment with my mom's psychiatrist. The rehab staff told me I have to speak with the doctor first prior to her release.
You see, my schedule for next week means I don't get a regular day off. I might not make it to work by Wednesday night. I'd be too burned out to go to work after hours of travel to Pampanga. I have to start thinking of excuses now.
In the meantime, this 3 days off that I get will be spent as 3 regular days of a homebody girl. Alex is off to some place, being pushed around by his boss, who always has places to go and I can't understand why. I wonder if his boss is a goddamn businessman that needs to go places? Or it could be that his boss is God, that he needs to take care of every people in the world that's why he's all over the place? I don't get it at all.
I have this entire day off alone. I talked to Alex, he said that he's working so he can give me money to help me pay my bill at the rehab and that somehow made me less mad at him. I will finally feel the use of him being gone for a couple of days. He'll be gone for 3 days, he wouldn't be back till Wednesday and I didn't even bother ask his whereabouts, I don't wanna know. If my hunch is correct that his boss is God, then they're probably off to Africa to take care of the homeless black people there.
His boss is one busy man, who always likes someone to drive him around. Alex is one workaholic guy who values his job more than the people he care about. I think they make a good pair. Besides, his boss is giving him a good amount of money so why would he complain to a job that has no day off? Why would he prefer to be with me if he can be with his boss and earn money?
As long as he lives up to his promise that he'll help me out with the rehab bill, then I won't complain to him being gone while I spend my day off alone. I'm starting to get used to it, you know, having an invisible boyfriend. Though, I'm just here, rooted to the spot where he left me, this is where I'll wait for him to come back for me...if he will ever be back.
Labels: boss, call center, day off, pink crimson, relationships, schedules, work
Failing to Recognize
01-08-2010 Friday
And so I asked the question I don't wanna dare ask, even though the answer might hurt me again, I still expected to hear something a little less cruel. I hesitated before letting my fingers tap the keypad in my cellphone that seemed to be waiting for my message with it's blinking text select icon. I typed, erased, rephrased my words, typed again:
'Bakit dati lagi mo ko sinusundo at hinahatid dati? Kahit nga may lagnat ka pa diba pumupunta ka parin samin para ihatid ako?'I waited for his reply. The wait was agonizing. I anticipated the worse but a part of me is still hopeful. The cellphone beeped a silent sound but it is deafening in my ears.
Alex:
"Syempre wala ako ginagawa dati, alamo naman yun diba."Those words stung. It's a good thing that it's only a message, had it been said to my face, I know it would feel worse. Goddamn it. Why am I still holding on? Why can't I just let go? I know that it's not only me asking myself that, you people reading this could be shouting it right now and I'm not hearing or I'm intentionally refusing to hear.
He's supposed to say that he loves me, that he's doing it to be with me, that he wanted to make sure I get to work or home safely, all those bullshit lovesick craps instead of getting the most insensitive answer I could ever get from him. Do I mean that little to him now? It's like saying, oh I did that before because I can't do anything with my life, you know what it's like to be bored, yeah my ass was just bored back then.
I replied a short 'ok' and that was it.
Now I'm here at work and the message seemed to be plastered in my computer monitor because I kept on reading it over and over in front of my eyes. I'm starting to think that he doesn't love me as much as he does before. The saddest part is that I can feel that he could go on with his life without having to worry about me, like I can just disappear from the face of the earth and he will still move forward without much of a glance.
The scariest part is I'm sounding like the girl I used to be when I was with Mac. I thought they are different in many ways but now, he's starting to act like Mac. Does this mean I fall for the same types of guy all the time?
Things are not really looking up for me lately, I'm at the bottom and I'm still crawling my way out of this hole that I'm in.
Labels: alex, insensitive, mac, misery, pink crimson, relationships
Downhill From Here
01-07-2010 Thursday
Downhill From Here
Work is starting to become a bitch again. It was just last month when everything's going pretty well for me at work but now, as the first month of the new year begins, it's like everything's starting to fall.
It's a downhill course and it's not just me who can feel it, it's our entire team, even my manager is no longer pleased with us. She feels like all we do is complain about our calls instead of making sales and I do understand where she's coming from but the thing is, we are all doing our best...yet it seemed like it wasn't enough. Something's wrong with our calls but the rule of the thumb here is, no matter how shitty your calls are, you have no right to complain, all you have to do is make sales, make money for them that's why as for me, I've stopped complaining out loud a long time ago.
The only witness to my complains is this blog, some of the few people who's reading this, and the notepad in my pc. That's why I value writing this much. When no one bothers to listen, I can still pour it all out in writing. This is not a blog of complain, it's more of a wailing wall for me, that's the expectation I set more than a year ago when I started this so please get used to it.
As I was saying about work, it's getting harder again. I don't know if it's a mere stroke of luck last month that it's a holiday season, like everyone's so ready to splurge and buy new phones that's why we managed to close lots of sales but still, as sales people, I've learned that it's not all luck, most of it is 'skill', the thing that made us worthy for this job in the first place. So does this mean that we're also losing our skills as well? Me, personally? God, I hope not.
I never plan to be a sales person, I never even imagine that I'll be dealing with sales but look what I am now. I managed to make my way here in this company without having any college experience so that should say something about my skills, right? With that in mind, what am I still doing here, why am I not as productive as I used to be?
We're all having a hard time, struggling to make a sale, it's not just me but our situations are different. Some can always find a better job outside this company, some can always resign with ease while I have quite a few thigns to consider before I quit. The bills that I have to pay, our everyday needs, and I'm a little bit doubtful about other companies because I know they will want to hire people with a higher educational attainment. I was thinking that there are a lot more qualified people with college experiences for the job than me so finding another job might be a little hard for me.
I have to think of something, it's too bad that all this has to happen at once. My mom at the rehab, the lack of support from Alex, and now, this job that's not as cooperative with me as it did last month. If I think about all of it too hard, I might also wind up in the rehab myself. One thing at a time might do so I have to still try to hang on to this job, try to make sales even if it meant perspiring blood for every closed sale. Then, after I get off from work, I could rest a bit before thinking of what to do when my mom goes home. As for Alex, I'll let him do whatever he wants to do, accomplish whatever goal he has, and I'll deal with these things with or without him.
Calls are coming in now like tidal waves and we're getting swept one by one. What else is left to do? Try to hang on, try to get by. Yes, probably.
Labels: americans, call center, calls, pink crimson, work
Holding On..Still
01-06-2009 Wednesday
He has no idea at all. He didn't know that, merely hours ago, before he arrived, I was writhing in pain, drowning in my own tears that wouldn't seem to stop. I was trying hard, so hard, to stop myself from crying over someone who, obviously don't care at anymore. That's what I felt.
The sting of the pain is shattering and it's poisoning every vein in my body, making it hard for me to move, so I stayed, I lie down still holding on to my pillow that has been washed with bitter tears. I had flashbacks, wonderful flashbacks of yesterday, from the day that I first met him, the first look, the first smile, the first time he made those sweet promises that seem to vanish in thin air now. I shut my eyes hard, wanting to freeze those memories, wanting to go back to that yesterday and stay there for good. If tomorrow is gonna be like this, then I'd rather stay with the guy that I've fallen in love with many months before.
I don't remember how I even managed to fall asleep inspite of the waterworks in my eyes, but I did. The next thing I know, I was hearing my cellphone ring. I grabbed my handset and squinted at the screen to see who's calling. It's him. I hit reject. Calling... Reject. 1 new message. 2 new messages. Sighing, I read the messages.
'I'm outside. Please go out' the message was short but it has a lingering effect in me.
I got out of bed, turned on the light outside, and swung the door open. He was there, in front of our doorstep, wearing that darn black jacket that looked too damn good on him. He knew what to do, he parked the motorcycle inside our gate, handed me a plastic and went inside the house.
I followed reluctantly, dragging my feet with me, while I contemplated inside my head on how I would end our relationship because with the way he's always making me feel, it seemed like it's for the best. It's not like I wanted it to end, I don't ever want to let go but he has given me enough reasons to give him up.
I am so decided to let go, but when he held me close, I'm lost again, I'm back to the hopeful girlfriend who's always begging for his time. He noticed that my eyes were red and puffy and I admitted to him that I am sad with the way he's treating me.
We talked. He said I was just being too sensitive, that he still love me like before.
'Nothing's changed, I love you just the same' he added. I shrugged,
'if you say so'. 'You don't believe me, d'ya?' he looked amused and I pouted,
'No', he smiled at that and I knew that we're good again.
This starting over shit is getting tiring but I'm willing to try and try again. Maybe I overreact sometimes, uhh, ok most of the time, maybe I'm an attention whore but behind all this is a simple me, wanting to feel important, wanting to believe in a neat happy ending, if there really is such a thing....
Labels: alex, happy endings, love, making it work, pink crimson, relationships
Dealing with Changes
01-05-2009 Tuesday
The hardest change that I have to deal with lately is Alex. Right now, I really don't know how I can manage my life because it seemed like all the negativities are out there to eat me alive. It's as if it wasn't enough that my mom has gone insane and is threatening to bring hell back at our house, and now it's Alex.
We were okay last New Year, starting over again and everything seemed to mean a happy ending for our relationship. Now, a few days after, he's back to being invisible. A text or two a day, and that's it, I'm barely hearing from him, I don't even have any idea what he's up to. The last thing I heard about him is that he's staying at his boss till the 3rd and it's the 4th yesterday, he did text but I have no idea at all on what's keeping him busy, if he's already staying with his goddamn boss forever, or what, it's hurting me so bad.
I'm tired of feeling like I mean nothing to him. I'm tired of not knowing what he's up to, it's okay if I'm no longer part of his priorities but the worst part is that I don't even know what those fucking priorities are. Does this all sound familiar? Yeah, I remember feeling like this with Mac.
Before, I felt like he loves me more than I do love him but now it's starting to feel like the other way around. What is happening? Did I change? Maybe, a bit, but I love him more as we progress in our relationship. I'm not asking for too much, all I need is to feel loved just like everyone else. All I want is to feel that I'm important to him the way he made me feel before. Where did all of it go?
I can think of many things that has changed in him and it's so upsetting to think about it. I'm trying not to think but whenever I glance at my cellphone, devoid of new messages from him, it's making me sad. I know he doesn't have anyone else, he's not cheating or anything. It's more of priorities, I guess. He has become too focused in making money and kissing his boss' ass that he's forgetting that I need his time as much as his boss does.
Another thing is, he's making money for himself and for the motorcycle, buying stuff for it while I wait for him to treat me, give me something cheap but there's none. That made me feel like he's working for the goddamn motorcycle which is we're gonna sell anyway because I'm tired of having it.
Well, let's see, he doesn't have enough time for me, he doesn't give me anything, he doesn't do anything that'll make me feel special.. I don't know. I'm giving up. I'm losing hope that things are ever gonna work out for us.
Labels: alex, boss, girls, love, pink crimson, relationships, work
Little by little
01-04-2009 Monday
The countdown has started and each day that passes by means that the lump in my throat is getting bigger, the weight in my chest is getting heavier and I'm starting to find it difficult to breathe. I feel like someone's trying to suck the air out of me, like the walls of the house is starting to get smaller and smaller and I have a few hours left to go out before the cemented walls crash me into tiny little bite-size pieces.
I am also scared. Scared to have the bitch back here. Like I mentioned yesterday, she seemed okay but sometimes, some word she says still makes me want to think that she's not. Ok, conclusion, she is well but not completely well, not one hundred and one percent and it's making me go crazy. After all the money I spent on her rehabilitation? What a fucking waste if she decides to act possessed again.
What do I do when she's back here? Be like the concerned daughter with a big grin, greeting her like,
"hey mom! Missed you much so tell me when will you go crazy again? Tell me so we can prepare! Oh hey come on let's eat and celebrate cause you're back". That doesn't sound right. That doesn't feel right, at all.
Oh Lordy, I'm screwed. I'm out of money, I can no longer afford her to stay one more month in the rehab. If only I have all the money, I don't ever want her back here. Let her stay there till she's completely sane again. If it will take years, so be it but I just don't have the money to do it.
No one can help her but herself and I think she's not realizing that because she's too much focused on her self pity and she can't fucking get over those bad things that has already happened. Those things are over but she kept on repeating it, going back that lonely road of yesterday, not wanting to move forward, not wanting to fight it. She's weak.
I promised myself that I'll never end up like her. I'm a toughie, I may cry when I'm alone but that's that. I don't wanna waste time going back to the past that I can never undo, no matter how hard I try. We only have today and tomorrow so let the fucking past go. That's what our relatives are trying to make her understand but it doesn't seem to sink in her weak mind. I don't know what I'll do for her to snap back to reality, to focus on what she can do today, to be fucking strong for herself.
I admit I'm not the best daughter out there, matter of fact, every part of my being hates her, don't want to be with her anymore so you all can blame me for this. What can I do? I can't find the love inside me. I have no sympathy towards her, no feelings at all, I'm drained that sometimes I don't even know where all this anger is coming from.
All that doesn't matter now, if I have to fake it, then I'll fake it but still, I gotta figure something out before she comes home. Maybe I'll find a place to rent where I'll stay alone, or relocate to a place where our relatives live, or stay with my aunt (no no)..or what? Shit, this is gonna be harder than I thought.
Labels: ANGER, daughter, HATE, insane, mother, pink crimson, Rehab. CLDRC
Another Visit
01-03-2009 Sunday
Even though I didn't really enjoy visiting my mom at the rehab, I have to because first, I am her petitioner, second, I have the money, and three, I don't want my gramma to go there alone without me. Some relative of ours came with us for the visit and I was thankful, the more the merrier right?
I didn't get any sleep on the way to the rehab, what's with everyone in the car (my gramma's brother let us use his car with his brother-in-law in charge of the wheels) talking loudly, trying to catch up with each other's latest has-beens. I was seated in the corner with the sun burning down at the side of my face, it was a hot afternoon and after the 2 and a half hour ride, my left cheek is red with slight sunburn and I was hoping so bad that it wouldn't peel.
We arrived at the Rehab at around 3pm and we've undergone the usual strict body check which is something I'm used to,but what I don't like about it is that they confiscated my pack of Black Bat, I mean like confiscated without being able to get it back afterwards. Shit, that has like almost 10 sticks in it, bummer.
We chose a nice little hut with a long table and they started setting the food while I head straight to the Staff Office where I signed a permission slip for my mom then I went to her dorm to pick her up. She walked out of the dorm sleepily, and I pretended to be happy to see her, gesturing her to go out. The other patients told her to fix her hair and prepare before going out so I just told her to follow and I headed back to the hut.
In a couple of minutes, she was walking towards us, still sad, still wanting to go home, telling my gramma that she's lonely out here. I sighed and concentrated on eating instead. She looked thinner, darker, probably sunburned from frequent duties under the sun. If you ask me, she looked fine but not a hundred percent because whenever she would say something, some words are still repetitions and that angers me. If she goes out and acts weird again, I swear I'm gonna ask someone to shoot her in the head, I fuckin wasted a whole lot of money for her to get well in this fucking rehab so I'm expecting her to act normal when she goes out.
She is scheduled for release this 24th of January and it was like a ticking time bomb in my head. What will our lives be like when she's back. She looked eager to go home, go home and what? Ruin our lives again? If I have lots of money, I would want her to be confined for 6 months or maybe a year but that would cost me an amount of money that will make me puke blood. I have more or less three weeks to figure out what to do when she's back home. That's what I kept on thinking as they had fun conversations to cheer her up.
What I also don't like is my gramma preparing a whole lot of food for her. The food she bought and cooked for us could accommodate a dozen and we're like 6 people there plus my mom. I'm pretty sure that those food came out of my pay and it irritates me because my mom wanted to share most of those food to the other patients. I already warned my gramma about it, that she might to that, I don't know if she's trying to act like a relative of some rich god or if it's still part of her mental disorder but it's killing me. It's my fucking salary and I think it's enough for me to spend almost all of my pay for her monthly bill to spend more for food that my gramma is buying but she ended up giving out to some bitch whose family could well afford tons of goodies anyway.
I'm giving my gramma the look that says, I told you so, when my mom said that she wanted to give the food we're no longer able to eat to the other patients. Maybe she's become a charitable institute and I'm just unaware of it. Either way, I hate it, I hate wasting money to those who don't deserve it.
We stayed till the sun is almost out and I can feel my head throbbing, begging me shut my eyes and sleep but they all seem to wanna stay with my mom. Eventually, they decided to go home. My mom hugged each one of us, when it's my turn, I faked sympathy and I was good at it, I tell ya.
The ride home was cooler, the windows of the car were open except when were at the Expressway. It also drizzled a bit, and I managed to get a shallow sleep on the way home. When I woke up, we're almost at home so I stayed awake.
The car pulled up in front of our house and it seemed I was out of the house for a few days, it felt like a long, long, long day for me, not to mention, extremely tiring. When we got inside, my gramma went to the kitchen to prepare dinner while I went inside the room and savored the peacefulness, thinking of the remaining days I have left before hell returns and it worries me.
It's the 3rd today. I have 21 days. God, 21 days to figure out what to do when she gets here, don't worry it doesn't include a gun, YET.
Labels: daughter, home, mother, pink crimson, Rehab. CLDRC
A New Year
01-01-2010 Friday
At exactly 3:00 in the morning, Alex came and I'm glad because I don't have to give him up. I'm glad because he is with me this New Year. My gramma is already asleep so we tiptoed inside the house.
He hugged me and whispered, 'Happy New Year' in my ear. There was a faint smell of beer in his breath and I wrinkled my nose. He laughed at my reaction and claimed he only drank a glass or two. I don't believe him but was too tired to argue, besides, he's with me, that's what mattered the most.
I can tell that he was tired by the look in his eyes. I started spreading blankets on the floor where he'll sleep while he brushes his teeth in the bathroom. When he returned, he plopped down on the blankets I prepared. I sat close to him. He put an arm around me and I'm thankful that we're together. It meant a lot.
He's warm beside me and I felt my eyes getting heavy. He kissed me on my cheek, whispered, 'let's sleep now'. I nodded slowly, and climbed up to my bed. In less than a minute, I drifted off to sleep.
HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE.Peace. Love. Live Well.
Labels: alex, happy, hopeful, live, New Year, pink crimson
Year End Blast
12-31-2009 Thursday
When I get off from work, I didn't feel like myself. I'm still thinking about how to get over Alex, if in case he chose not to come for the New Year. I felt like I was a walking stick without any bones, or any internal organs, I felt like my body is made of thin paper that I could rip at the slightest gust of wind. I walked to the bus station, hailed a bus and rode in it.
The bus ride reminded me of the time when I was with Alex the first time we went out on a date. He kept on looking at me as if he's memorizing every details in my face and as I remember that, my eyes began to water, thinking how much it hurts for me to see him change. The Alex that he used to be seemed to be so different to the Alex that I have now.
People around me has this stupid grin on their faces, looking like little kids eager to see Santa pop out of the chimney. Why is it that I can't be happy at this time of the year when everyone else is? I smiled weakly to myself as I saw a couple in the street, walking together enjoying a simple window shopping at the stalls of
tiangge where the bus has passed by. I thought how great it is to be with someone you love while everyone else is counting down the hours before the year ends.
I went home alone, still feeling like I have paper bones, ate, and slept. i woke up to the sound of my cellphone ringing. It was Alex. I answered, wincing at the sound of my groggy voice. I told him I'll be waiting for him. He was about to reason out again when I interrupted him, I don't need reasons, I said, this is the last time I'm gonna wait. And the line went dead.
The sound of the firecrackers and the moaning voice of a neighbor belting it out on the videoke made it impossible for me to go back to sleep so I got out of bed, went outside to call work to tell ém to suck it to their faces but I ain't coming to work while everyone else is with their families, enjoying the New Year. After calling, I headed back home, read the book that my colleague lent me and be absolutely boring.
At around 8:30, Vanessa, my best friend, visited like what she always do every New Year. She brought some food with her; spaghetti, brownies and fruit salad. I began eating as I told her what's going on between me and Alex. We talked some more, and after an hour, she left and for the first time this day, I felt happy.
Since it's just me and my gramma, we didn't plan to do anything when the clock hit 12, maybe we'll just go out to watch the fireworks and that's about it. That was changed when my gramma's brother picked us up to celebrate New Year with them. That's where we used to live so I felt excited to see some old neighbors and friends.
I'm glad I did go with them. It was fun. I hang out with my old friends slash old neighbors and it was like a small reunion. The fireworks become extravagant by 12 midnight and I was laughing with everyone else as we watch some guy imitate some Micheal Jackson move at a nearby street party.
It was fun while it lasted, then, I'm back to being hopeful. I kept on looking at my watch, counting down the minutes, waiting for Alex. My uncle took us back home and I continued to wait. Wait.. Wait..
Labels: alex, blast, fireworks, fun, New Year, vanessa
Hurts Like Hell
12-30-2009 Wednesday
He has said the words that I've been dreading to hear for months now. He wouldn't be spending the New Year with me. I always knew that would happen but a big part of me was still hopeful to be with him as we say goodbye to oh-nine. That's also the reason why I didn't plan anything with him beforehand because I had it in my guts that he will fuck this up, and he goddamn did.
After we talked and decided we'd start over again and be more appreciative of each other, I started expecting him to be exert as much effort as he could. I was so disappointed when we talked outside the building of my office, I didn't expect him to still choose his fucking job and boss over me.
We were standing just in front of the building where he usually waits for me before when he'd pick me up from work. As I stood there, I silently wondered why those days of seeing him waiting there for me seemed so far away now. He had his old, torn bag with him and I asked him why he seemed to have a lot of stuff with him. He answered a casual, 'oh my boss asked me to stay with them till the 3rd'. The 3rd? I kid you not, he sounded as if it's a very normal thing for him to spend a couple of days with his fucking boss.
Wow, that only means he'll be spending New Year with those people that I don't even know. When I reminded him that he has me, he was like, well you said you'll go to work New Year's Eve. I remembered I did, but that's because I'm waiting for him to tell me has plans for New Year, I'm waiting, waiting for him to tell me he wanted to be with me as the year ends. Well, let's just say that I would really go to work, did he not realize that it's dangerous for me to go to work alone? Did he not realize that I might need him to take me to work?
I can't help but cry as I told him everything I'm feeling. I feel bad, so damn disappointed, so left out. He also said that I should've told him that I don't plan to go to work so he could've said no to his boss and now he has said his powerful yes and he can't fucking take it back? Jesus. How did he change to someone who doesn't even care or give a damn about my well being?
No matter how hurt I am, I can't find the strength to end everything between us. I love him so much that I can't imagine myself living without him. If there is something I'm wishing for so bad, it's that I will find someone else or if not, I wish that I would be gone completely, far far away from him that he can''t find me, hopefully, he'll finally realize my worth when that happens.
I'm still hopeful. I told him to do something about it. That's my last chance, our last chance, his last chance to prove to me that I mean something to him. Find a way, I told him, to be with me, even if it's after 12, I'll be waiting. 'Íf not,'I added to myself, I have to start learning to let him go.
He was sad, his eyes tearful, and I held his hand, kissed his cheek and I left him to face another day at work. I knew he'll come. I'm hoping, for the last time, I am still hoping.
Labels: alex, break-up, happy, love, New Year, relationships
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