Failing to Recognize

01-08-2010 Friday

And so I asked the question I don't wanna dare ask, even though the answer might hurt me again, I still expected to hear something a little less cruel. I hesitated before letting my fingers tap the keypad in my cellphone that seemed to be waiting for my message with it's blinking text select icon. I typed, erased, rephrased my words, typed again: 'Bakit dati lagi mo ko sinusundo at hinahatid dati? Kahit nga may lagnat ka pa diba pumupunta ka parin samin para ihatid ako?'

I waited for his reply. The wait was agonizing. I anticipated the worse but a part of me is still hopeful. The cellphone beeped a silent sound but it is deafening in my ears.

Alex: "Syempre wala ako ginagawa dati, alamo naman yun diba."

Those words stung. It's a good thing that it's only a message, had it been said to my face, I know it would feel worse. Goddamn it. Why am I still holding on? Why can't I just let go? I know that it's not only me asking myself that, you people reading this could be shouting it right now and I'm not hearing or I'm intentionally refusing to hear.

He's supposed to say that he loves me, that he's doing it to be with me, that he wanted to make sure I get to work or home safely, all those bullshit lovesick craps instead of getting the most insensitive answer I could ever get from him. Do I mean that little to him now? It's like saying, oh I did that before because I can't do anything with my life, you know what it's like to be bored, yeah my ass was just bored back then.

I replied a short 'ok' and that was it.

Now I'm here at work and the message seemed to be plastered in my computer monitor because I kept on reading it over and over in front of my eyes. I'm starting to think that he doesn't love me as much as he does before. The saddest part is that I can feel that he could go on with his life without having to worry about me, like I can just disappear from the face of the earth and he will still move forward without much of a glance.

The scariest part is I'm sounding like the girl I used to be when I was with Mac. I thought they are different in many ways but now, he's starting to act like Mac. Does this mean I fall for the same types of guy all the time?

Things are not really looking up for me lately, I'm at the bottom and I'm still crawling my way out of this hole that I'm in.

Labels: alex, insensitive, mac, misery, pink crimson, relationships

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 4:09 AM