Little by little

01-04-2009 Monday

The countdown has started and each day that passes by means that the lump in my throat is getting bigger, the weight in my chest is getting heavier and I'm starting to find it difficult to breathe. I feel like someone's trying to suck the air out of me, like the walls of the house is starting to get smaller and smaller and I have a few hours left to go out before the cemented walls crash me into tiny little bite-size pieces.

I am also scared. Scared to have the bitch back here. Like I mentioned yesterday, she seemed okay but sometimes, some word she says still makes me want to think that she's not. Ok, conclusion, she is well but not completely well, not one hundred and one percent and it's making me go crazy. After all the money I spent on her rehabilitation? What a fucking waste if she decides to act possessed again.

What do I do when she's back here? Be like the concerned daughter with a big grin, greeting her like, "hey mom! Missed you much so tell me when will you go crazy again? Tell me so we can prepare! Oh hey come on let's eat and celebrate cause you're back". That doesn't sound right. That doesn't feel right, at all.

Oh Lordy, I'm screwed. I'm out of money, I can no longer afford her to stay one more month in the rehab. If only I have all the money, I don't ever want her back here. Let her stay there till she's completely sane again. If it will take years, so be it but I just don't have the money to do it.

No one can help her but herself and I think she's not realizing that because she's too much focused on her self pity and she can't fucking get over those bad things that has already happened. Those things are over but she kept on repeating it, going back that lonely road of yesterday, not wanting to move forward, not wanting to fight it. She's weak.

I promised myself that I'll never end up like her. I'm a toughie, I may cry when I'm alone but that's that. I don't wanna waste time going back to the past that I can never undo, no matter how hard I try. We only have today and tomorrow so let the fucking past go. That's what our relatives are trying to make her understand but it doesn't seem to sink in her weak mind. I don't know what I'll do for her to snap back to reality, to focus on what she can do today, to be fucking strong for herself.

I admit I'm not the best daughter out there, matter of fact, every part of my being hates her, don't want to be with her anymore so you all can blame me for this. What can I do? I can't find the love inside me. I have no sympathy towards her, no feelings at all, I'm drained that sometimes I don't even know where all this anger is coming from.

All that doesn't matter now, if I have to fake it, then I'll fake it but still, I gotta figure something out before she comes home. Maybe I'll find a place to rent where I'll stay alone, or relocate to a place where our relatives live, or stay with my aunt (no no)..or what? Shit, this is gonna be harder than I thought.

Labels: ANGER, daughter, HATE, insane, mother, pink crimson, Rehab. CLDRC

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 5:04 AM