Failing to Recognize
01-08-2010 Friday
And so I asked the question I don't wanna dare ask, even though the answer might hurt me again, I still expected to hear something a little less cruel. I hesitated before letting my fingers tap the keypad in my cellphone that seemed to be waiting for my message with it's blinking text select icon. I typed, erased, rephrased my words, typed again:
'Bakit dati lagi mo ko sinusundo at hinahatid dati? Kahit nga may lagnat ka pa diba pumupunta ka parin samin para ihatid ako?'I waited for his reply. The wait was agonizing. I anticipated the worse but a part of me is still hopeful. The cellphone beeped a silent sound but it is deafening in my ears.
Alex:
"Syempre wala ako ginagawa dati, alamo naman yun diba."Those words stung. It's a good thing that it's only a message, had it been said to my face, I know it would feel worse. Goddamn it. Why am I still holding on? Why can't I just let go? I know that it's not only me asking myself that, you people reading this could be shouting it right now and I'm not hearing or I'm intentionally refusing to hear.
He's supposed to say that he loves me, that he's doing it to be with me, that he wanted to make sure I get to work or home safely, all those bullshit lovesick craps instead of getting the most insensitive answer I could ever get from him. Do I mean that little to him now? It's like saying, oh I did that before because I can't do anything with my life, you know what it's like to be bored, yeah my ass was just bored back then.
I replied a short 'ok' and that was it.
Now I'm here at work and the message seemed to be plastered in my computer monitor because I kept on reading it over and over in front of my eyes. I'm starting to think that he doesn't love me as much as he does before. The saddest part is that I can feel that he could go on with his life without having to worry about me, like I can just disappear from the face of the earth and he will still move forward without much of a glance.
The scariest part is I'm sounding like the girl I used to be when I was with Mac. I thought they are different in many ways but now, he's starting to act like Mac. Does this mean I fall for the same types of guy all the time?
Things are not really looking up for me lately, I'm at the bottom and I'm still crawling my way out of this hole that I'm in.
Labels: alex, insensitive, mac, misery, pink crimson, relationships
Feels Like Single
12-11-2009 Thursday
As a girl, I wanna be cherished, feel like I mean the world to someone and feel that I am so damn important that my someone wouldn't wanna do things without me. Yes, believe it or not, I'm still a girl inside, an undeniably hopeless romantic wanting to feel loved.
Ok, if these words make you wanna throw up then you're free to leave this webpage and surf that in demand Facebook instead. I always say that this blog is not for everybody and I don't really give a fuck to what others think about the things that I've written here so I want to save somebody's time as much as I could.
Lately I haven't heard much from Alex and I'm not really liking it, heck it's downright pissing me off. He would send a message, telling me that he's sorry he's not able to text, he has no money, all the same old blah that I am seriously tired of hearing. Then, I wouldn't hear from him again for ages. It's so upsetting because I'm expecting him to be there like what he used to say when he's still trying to steal me away from my then boyfriend, Mac. Did he really mean those words before or did he just say it for me to choose him over Mac? Whenever we would have a fight, I always tell to his face that he's not what he used to be then he would say that it was actually me who has changed. Damn him.
Is it really me? I know I'm a psycho but I sure know how to appreciate him and our relationship. I maybe busy with work but I find time to be with him. I always text him about how much I miss him, how much I love him and how much I wanted to be with him while his texts are generic 'I miss you, I love you' and nothing else. It seemed like anyone can send that message without meaning it, you know what I'm saying? Unlike before when we were friends, he would always say how much he wanted to see me, or how beautiful are my eyes, sweet stuff like that. Little things that simply meant small butterflies to the stomach but now that he's not like that anymore, it's all starting to matter so much to me.
Now I feel like I'm single again. I go to work alone, I go home alone, no new message on my cell, nothing. He hasn't given me any chocolates or a bunch of flowers or even a freaking cheap teddy bear will do but there's none and it's not like I'm expecting things like that...still, I'm a girl, I want to feel like one.
Somehow, I knew that if we don't have a motorcycle, he would not exert much effort to see me. I even doubt if he'll try to be with me as often as possible. Now that the motorcycle is acting fucked up again, I am able to confirm that thought. He 's nowhere to be found and I can feel that I can leave this country for good and he wouldn't even know or maybe, wouldn't even care. I can go anywhere far and he wouldn't even try to find me because he doesn't have the goddamn money. Alright, he doesn't have a job so he doesn't have money, so I send him load and sure he would text two, three or four if I'm lucky then he's back to being invisible.
I'm really mad at him for treating me like this. This is the worst time of my life and he's being a total ass. I hate being taken for granted. One more wrong move from him and he's totally out. I've done this 'dumping' thing before and I can very damn well do it again.
Labels: alex, girls, love, mac, pink crimson, relationships
The Lonely Days
08-22-2009 Saturday
My 2nd day as a fugitive. I've been all over the place trying to kill time since Alex has a job during weekends and I don't want to be left alone in the boarding house without him. It was a long and lonely day so I'll just give a quick summary because the entire story might bore you all to death.
For the 2nd consecutive day, I've been to SM Fairview again. It's not something I enjoy, seeing the mall as it is like it did yesterday is so damn boring, take my word for that. You see the same people behind the cash registrar of this store, the same ice cream flavors on the familiar ice cream stands, the same arrangement of books on the bookstore and the same floor/wall designs of the mall. It could be irritating, it's similar to standing on the side of the street and counting those damn jeepneys that's starting to look all the same.
It's also my 2nd day of menstrual period and the cramps haven't subsided yet, I still feel as horrible as I did yesterday. I still feel like being cut in half everytime I try to walk a bit faster. My feet are also starting to hurt from walking. It was around afternoon and I haven't eaten lunch yet. I plan to eat at the office, I know even though I'm on leave, the pantry is still open and I can sneak a meal since I have my ID with me.
Good thing, I bumped into
Kuya Joey in SM.
Kuya Joey, whom I haven't seen for awhile after the break-up with Mac, is still the funny guy I could always count on. He said he still have some parts of the motorcycle with him and I can come with him to pick those up. I have all the time anyway so I agreed to come with him. He bought a few things at the department store first, then off we went to his house, which is just near SM.
Warning: A little bit of nostalgia here...Kuya Joey's house, which has been our lair before for the drinking sessions with Mac, is still the same as it had been the last time I was there. The mono bloc chair where I usually sat beside Mac is still sitting against the wall. The karaoke with the mic lying beside it is still under the TV. The table that used to hold a few bottles of beer, junk foods and cigarettes.Those things somehow brought back a distant memory in my head, the memory with Mac. It has been more than a house for me before. This is where we hang-out, where I talk to Mac, where he said promises I used to believe in.
I forced myself to go back to the present when
Kuya Joey appeared from the kitchen, holding the two items for my motorcycle. I helped him wrap those in a plastic bag. Then, he prepared lunch and we ate, talking about motorcycles, Pag-ibig funds, and houses. It felt weird to talk to Mac's cousin and to be in the house that has been a witness to our past but I brushed it all aside.
Kuya Joey rarely goes home here, he has a job in Manila now so this could be the last time I'll ever be in this house again.
After that brief nostalgic moment, I went to Novaliches and shopped for some gifts for my gramma. It's her birthday this coming Monday and I looked around for stuff I haven't given her before. I came up with 2 nice looking blouse, a pair of earrings, a bottle of perfume and a skirt for attending worship services.
My next and final stop that day is the office. I went straight to the sleeping quarters, gave my ID and lie in bed. I was so tired, it felt heaven to lie down after a very long day without Alex. He texted me that afternoon and said that his boss will go to a party so he might be home late. He said I'd rather not wait for him. I told him I can wait, I don't wanna go home alone. I slept for awhile and woke up at around 7pm. I went out, got my ID and watched TV in the recreation room. I still haven't heard anything from Alex, I figured he might really be home late. I went to the pantry and ate quickly. It was getting late and my colleagues might find me here so after eating, I have no choice but to go home alone.
Of course, I'm living under the same roof with Alex but somehow, I still feel like he's far away. He's not home, and I feel all alone in spite of the noisy boarding house. Alone and lonely... Alone, lonely and motherless. Hmm, I think I can live with this.
Labels: alex, fugitive, kuya joey, mac, pink crimson, quezon ave, runaway
The Used To Be
08-07-2009 Friday
Since my motorcycle still has some fixing that needs to be done, I did my usual routine of commuting on a passenger jeep which is fine, it's just that I have to leave earlier than I used to so that when traffic kicks in, I wouldn't worry about being late again.
I left at around 5:15 in the afternoon, made my way to the side of the street and waited for a jeepney. I was busy checking my cellphone for any messages that's why I didn't notice a jeepney honking in front of me. I looked up and saw a familiar jeepney, the mirror was reflecting the view of the streetside so I had to squint my eyes to see the guys waving at me from the driver's seat. I knew why the jeepney looked familiar. This is the damn jeepney where I used to hop in for a backride so I can be with Mac. The jeepney that holds way too many memories.
I was suddenly reluctant, thinking that Mac might be with them and even though I know I can face him again, it would still be too damn awkward. Luckily, he wasn't there. I saw Kuya Blay, the driver, his younger brother Buboy, and a guy I haven't seen before. They were pointing at me with one hand while the other waves endlessly, like a lucky display cat on some stores.
Suppresing a smile, I hopped in, sat nearest at their backs and the usual 'hows it going, it has been a long time' chat began. I was happy to see them again and I can see that it's the same thing for them. One thing I was happy about is that even though Mac and I were no longer together, they still treat me as their friend. Up until now, I still feel that the friends of Mac has been more real to me than he ever did. I am glad to have met his friends and to be honest, I don't even remember him when I'm with them.
But...You wanna know what made me remember him somehow? The jeepney itself. The tattered front seat, the rusty edges of the sidemirror, the small bin just below the gauge where Mac used to keep a baby powder for instant retouch. Yeah, I think goodlooking guys are meant to be vain. I looked around the inside of the jeepney. Nothing has changed since the last time I rode here which seemed like decades ago yet at the same time, it seemed like it was only yesterday. I had a sudden vision of what I used to be, so into Mac, so eager to join them on their trips to and from SM, and how I would rest my head on his shoulders throughout the ride, and how he would buy me something to eat and how I would feel complete just by being with him, on this damn jeepney. Sheesh, I'm getting melancholic again but it has nothing to do with Mac, it's just..well, being a little nostalgic.
I was also thinking, what if Mac had been here with them today? Will I be able to make casual conversations with him without feeling any awkwardness? Like I mentioned, I'm ready to face him again, he sent me a message in Friendster and I was able to tell him everything in my reply and we ended what we've had on good terms. Still, seeing him again, that's a different story. A lot has happened, the pain, the denial, the world that almost crashed down on me, and the lies I found out. How in the world can I face that lying bastard again?
Buboy made me snap back to the present when he borrowed my MP4 so we can play music. Yet, when the songs on my MP4 blasted inside the jeep, I can't help but remember him again. These were the same exact songs they used to play over and over. I'm guilty for downloading those songs, whenever I would listen to it on my own, these songs has no effect on me but when it's being played here on the jeepney where we used to hang-out, where most of my fun memories with him are buried alive, it's making me go nostalgic again.
It's not that I still have feelings for him, come on, I love my sweet alex dearly, for me, it's like I was amazed at how time flies that I can hardly believe how many things have changed since then and how many things have stayed the same, like his friends' warmth towards me. For all those things either negative or positive, I'll always be thankful. Those are the things that made me who I am today, helped me grow up as a person, and most importantly helped me learn from those mistakes.
No regrets. This is just pure nostalgia, my friends. Mac and I walk on separate ways now, I don't know, I mean, I don't give a fuck on what road he's taking now but as for myself, I know I'm on the right track and it's nice to have someone holding my hand along the way, not wanting to let go of me. It's still a long journey to go, but heck, come on life, bring it on.
Labels: alex, love, mac, past, pink crimson
Ugly Lies
06-19-2009 Friday
I was just thinking, (trust me, this is merely out of boredom and not about anything else), how many more things do I not know or had not known about my ex, Mac? After all that's said and done, he turned out to be someone completely different than who I thought he is. Okay, I don't mean to still post about him but I can't help it. I know it's all in the past but somehow I still feel connected to it especially since I kept on discovering other things about him. Things that I think I deserve to know before but he kept from me after I thought he's confessed everything.
The most disappointing thing is that I trusted him before, when we're still together. I tried to forget about any doubts I have in the back of my mind whenever he tells me I gotta trust him blah-blah-blah. Gee, that shit-faced schmuck tells ugly lies.This isn't about bitterness, mind you, hell, maybe a bit but it's more because of a bruised ego.
Earlier today, when I was on my way home, (I rode the jeepney since Alex can't pick me up), I saw him on that same yellow jeepney where we used to ride whenever he'll pick me up or if we just wanna hang-out. He still tags along with his friend, who drives the jeep. I must admit, I missed hanging out with them on that jeep, that yellow jeep where they play the same freakin songs from his freakin cellphone every freakin day. They didn't see me, though, they were driving the opposite way.
I got a glimpse of him as they passed by. He's still wearing one of those old red t-shirts he has. The t-shirt with a few holes at the hem, where I'll poke my finger in which will make the holes in the fabric appear larger. He has the same far away look in his eyes as he stare out in the road but he has a small smile across his face. They seem to be talking about something funny. I was nostalgic for awhile as I remembered the times we've laughed about practically everything.
A wave of emotion hit me hard after seeing him again. Even if it's just for a few seconds, I remembered an entire month that we're a pair, the pain, the excuses, the tears I've shed for nothing but lies. I thought I'm ready to face him again, but I've come to the conclusion that when it comes to him, I'm never right about anything. All I want to do when I see him is kick the hell out of him, pry his lanky body open and separate his skin from his bones. As morbid as it may sound, that's how pissed off I am with what he did.
When I got home, I received a text message from my friend, Potpot, who also tags along on a jeepney ride, and he happens to know Mac. After some exchanges of
'how are yous', I mentioned to him that if he ever come across Mac, I want him to do me a favor and punch that guy on the face, real hard, pretty please. He said that he's not surprised at all that Mac did that but I'm the one surprised when he non chalantly told me that Mac is married anyway so letting him go is for the better. I read his text message again, twice, hoping that my eyes were wrong.
'He's married anyway so it's for the better'. For a moment, I felt like the wind has been knocked out of me, there's that familiar feeling again, the pain, like the one I felt when he confessed that he has a son. Yet, this one felt more harrowing, it stings the wound I thought has healed. When I gained composure, I told Pot-pot that he's not married to the girl, all I know is that they have a son, to that he replied as
'If you say so. I might as well stay out of it because you might think I'm meddling in your personal life'. I didn't reply. I was afraid of what I will discover. I don't think I'm ready yet.
He's married. Whether I admit it or not, it made perfect sense. I knew-uhh no,
sensed, it right from the beginning. He said before that the reason why he can't introduce me to his family yet is because they might not approve him to be in another relationship again after fathering a child from another girl. I tried to understand that, I did. I was fine with it, I waited. For Christ's sake, I waited. Besides, I remember him telling me before that we could get married or we could live together so I should've known that if he was able to tell me that, how much more to the mother of her child which I doubt she'll decline especially since she's pregnant already. The irony is that when he told me he'll introduce me soon, that's the time he walked away. He's fucking married. That could be true. Pot-Pot sounded so sure of it even though it's just thru a text message.
I was fooled not once, but a lot of times, by him. I should've listened to what everyone was telling me about that asshole. What good is a relationship if your partner doesn't tell you everything? I look at it as lying, because you're hiding something. You're not being completely honest. That's why I was wondering now that it's all over, how much do I really know about Mac? Is the Mac that I was with before, real? Does he even breathe? Or is he just a picture of deceit painted for me?
I'm not bitter because I still have feelings for him, I don't (or do I?..Hmm...yeah, I don't), I'm bitter because my ego is bruised. Hey come on, boys should know it better, right? The fact that you were lied to, were led to believe about certain things, and were wounded so bad by someone you trusted so much and loved so much are all enough to bust your goddamn swelled ego.
It's not fair. Shit. Karma found me afterall.
Labels: karma, lies, mac, pink crimson
A Glimpse of the Has-been
06-17-2009 Wednesday
It's been more than a month since I came up with the conclusion that my beloved, lying bastard of an ex has died after being crushed by elephants that fell from the sky and just vanished from the face of the earth without a trace. Well, guess what, the bastard is still alive and breathing (rah-cheer).
Two days ago, I was slumped in front of this same computer that I'm typing on now, singing to myself as I check my Facebook account. I was surprised to see a comment from Mac on the photo album I made for me and Alex. He just said that he's sorry for not texting, he lost his phone, he wished me all the best and all that blah blah to show he's not bitter that I found someone new. What do I expect anyway? Of course he's not bitter about the whole Alex thing because I doubt if he even loved me before.
I decided to take the opportunity to send him a message and tell him everything I wasn't able to say before his mysterious disappearance. Even though I kept it short, I said everything that I felt, how disappointed I was, no holds barred and I ended it thanking him for leaving me because I found Alex who is far more better to keep than him. After I saw the prompt on the browser, telling me that my message has been sent, I felt relieved. I was finally able to tell him what I really feel about him screwing things up between us. He'll finally read what it was like to me, not that I'm expecting him to care or give a shit but what matters is I was able to tell him what he's supposed to know.
Yesterday, I read his reply. He said it's good that I'm happy and he can see that and as for him, he's alone, without a cellphone, without anyone. He also said that if I have time, I can still join them on a drinking session at our usual place,
Kuya Joey's lair. Huh, not even a word of sorry if you'll notice. I casually replied some words a friend will say to an old friend. Yeah, that's what we are now. Old friends. Not exes because our relationship has been more shallow than that.
One of the things he said stuck in my mind.
'if I have time, I can still join them on a drinking session at our usual place, Kuya Joey's lair', and what, see him again? I pondered it. It will be interesting to see him again after all this time, after all that has happened to us and after shattering every pieces of myself which I'm able to get back together with the help of Alex. It's all in the past anyway, isn't it?
I have moved on, no doubt about that. I am so head over heels in love this time. I was just thinking that Alex, for sure, wouldn't like the idea of me hanging out with my ex, much more if it includes being induced with alcohol. I can't invite him to join anyway because that will be the most uncomfortable situation which I don't wanna put myself in.
Hell, come to think of it maybe that will be possible in the future. Mac and his cousins with me and Alex just hanging out (think Gwen Stefani's video, Cool). His cousins are a bunch of nice and funny people that's why I missed laughing with them. They've been more real to me than Mac. Yeah, it could be possible in the future, not soon though. Someday maybe. When all wounds are healed, scars are barely visible and the has been is nothing but an ancient past. But for now, Alex is mine, I'm his and Mac is all but a simple acquaintance, so let's leave it at that.
Labels: alex, mac, past
Dream and Reality
05-25-2009 Monday
This is the dream I've had last night;Mac and I are sitting on a couch, talking about something I can't clearly remember. I kept on glancing outside, knowing that Alex will arrive any minute from now. Mac noticed that I was uneasy but I smiled and said it's nothing. That's when I heard my motorcycle, I looked out the window and saw Alex getting off of the motorcycle. Mac followed my gaze, just in time to see Alex take off his helmet. I saw the hate in his eyes as he looked at Alex so when he stood up, I grabbed his arm,
"What're you doing?". He stared at me, his cold eyes full of anger.
"He's just my friend. His name's.. Patrick.." I said. He didn't listen, he walked towards Alex, hands rolled into fists. I'm getting nervous as I followed him outside. This is something I don't want to happen, having to stand between the two guys in my life, moreover, have them fight over me because someone's gonna win while the other one's gonna be hurt and I don't want to cause pain to anyone because I know how pain feels.
Alex saw Mac walking towards him with me following closely behind. He must have seen the warning look I'm sending through my eyes so he casually locked the motorcycle and walked away, pretending to ignore us.
"I told you he's a friend of mine! Get back here!" I shouted to Mac, panting from trying to catch up with him. I could tell he's not listening to me because he has his eyes focused on Alex, who took a seat in front of a store to smoke a cigarette.
In a second, Mac, Alex and me are all standing on the side of the street, oblivious to every passerby. It's all my fault. It shouldn't come to this. Confrontation is one of the result of my many mistakes, and to be honest, I'm not ready to face these consequences.
I know it's just a dream but everything felt so real. The presence of Mac, his familiar sweet scent, his prominent facial features and the familiar distant feeling I get every time I'm near him. The presence of Alex, his sincere, vulnerable eyes, his warmth that I feel even from a feet away and the familiar feeling of safety whenever I'm around him. Two very different guys and I have to choose.
I wasn't surprised when I heard Mac confront Alex in front of me. Then, he asked me to choose. Who will it be? God.. I can't have them both. In reality, I wouldn't know who to choose, I probably would ask them both to give me a few days away from them to think who will I miss the most. In my dream, I didn't have second thoughts when I answered Mac that I choose Alex over him simply because I've learned to love Alex simply because I feel he's more real to me, he's all mine and there's no one to compete with for his attention and love. I was surprised at how real that felt when I said those words. I also felt like a big weight has been lifted off my chest. I felt free, I was able to breathe easy, I was floating. Mac shouted obscenities at me but I was no longer affected, I didn't even dodge when he slapped me and threw water on my face, that I don't know where he got but heck, it's a dream, anything is possible.
What's that dream about? My unconscious state of being chose Alex. Does that mean that if ever Mac comes back,and asks me to choose, I can tell him to fuck off and let me be with Alex?
Oh, there's another thing I dreamed about;
This time, I was walking with Mac and we're talking about what seemed like farewell talks before letting go of each other. I asked him what his plans are. He said that he plan to work harder since he has bills to pay, and stuff to take care of.
"What stuff?" I asked.
"For the baby, you know. And I also plan to marry her." he meant the mother of the child. Jesus, even in the dream, it still cuts a knife in my gut.
"Marry her?" I tried to sound unaffected,
"I thought you don't like her". He shrugged, "I have to. For our baby".
Another fear I have appeared on my dream. The fear of Mac and his ex being back together because of the child. I'm just thinking, what if, that's the real reason why Mac fucked up our relationship, will I be able to accept the truth without breaking down? Will I still be affected even though I'm happy with Alex already? I guess I will still be. Not that I still want Mac but I think it's because being lied to by someone you used to love will always be painful.
Mac and I continued walking together in my dream until I decided to stop, looked up in the bright sunny cloudless sky then looked at him. He's still walking, not even bothering to look back, not even caring if I'm still following him or not. I stayed on the spot where I stopped, trying to search any longing for him inside me, trying to feel if there's any pain or regret or maybe hate. I felt none. I looked up for the second time, and it seemed like the rays of the sun caressed my face, reminding me of Alex's warmth. I felt myself smile against the soft glare of the sun. I focused my gaze back to Mac's figure slowly fading into the horizon, as if the road is eating him up. I waited until he disappeared and I knew right then and there, that he's really gone for good, out of my life and I was finally able to let him go completely. After he left, I turned around and walked the other way, opposite his path and I joyfully bounced back home, back to Alex, with the light of the day guiding my every step.
End of the dream...08:47amI woke up when I felt someone pinch my nose. I opened my eyes, adjusting my sight to the light of the morning sun coming through the window of my room. There he is, my Alex, greeting me good morning with a warm smile I've missed overnight. He did come early at our house, just like he promised yesterday. I smiled back, taking the hand he's offering so I can sit up, but I pulled him to me instead, holding his gaze. I mouthed the words 'I love you', his smile widened and he opened his arms to me. Just like in my dream, I joyfully bounced back home, in his arms, where I felt safe, happy and calm.
Happy ending? Nah, more like a happy beginning.
Labels: alex, dream, mac
