Holding On..Still

01-06-2009 Wednesday

He has no idea at all. He didn't know that, merely hours ago, before he arrived, I was writhing in pain, drowning in my own tears that wouldn't seem to stop. I was trying hard, so hard, to stop myself from crying over someone who, obviously don't care at anymore. That's what I felt.

The sting of the pain is shattering and it's poisoning every vein in my body, making it hard for me to move, so I stayed, I lie down still holding on to my pillow that has been washed with bitter tears. I had flashbacks, wonderful flashbacks of yesterday, from the day that I first met him, the first look, the first smile, the first time he made those sweet promises that seem to vanish in thin air now. I shut my eyes hard, wanting to freeze those memories, wanting to go back to that yesterday and stay there for good. If tomorrow is gonna be like this, then I'd rather stay with the guy that I've fallen in love with many months before.

I don't remember how I even managed to fall asleep inspite of the waterworks in my eyes, but I did. The next thing I know, I was hearing my cellphone ring. I grabbed my handset and squinted at the screen to see who's calling. It's him. I hit reject. Calling... Reject. 1 new message. 2 new messages. Sighing, I read the messages. 'I'm outside. Please go out' the message was short but it has a lingering effect in me.

I got out of bed, turned on the light outside, and swung the door open. He was there, in front of our doorstep, wearing that darn black jacket that looked too damn good on him. He knew what to do, he parked the motorcycle inside our gate, handed me a plastic and went inside the house.

I followed reluctantly, dragging my feet with me, while I contemplated inside my head on how I would end our relationship because with the way he's always making me feel, it seemed like it's for the best. It's not like I wanted it to end, I don't ever want to let go but he has given me enough reasons to give him up.

I am so decided to let go, but when he held me close, I'm lost again, I'm back to the hopeful girlfriend who's always begging for his time. He noticed that my eyes were red and puffy and I admitted to him that I am sad with the way he's treating me.

We talked. He said I was just being too sensitive, that he still love me like before. 'Nothing's changed, I love you just the same' he added. I shrugged, 'if you say so'. 'You don't believe me, d'ya?' he looked amused and I pouted, 'No', he smiled at that and I knew that we're good again.

This starting over shit is getting tiring but I'm willing to try and try again. Maybe I overreact sometimes, uhh, ok most of the time, maybe I'm an attention whore but behind all this is a simple me, wanting to feel important, wanting to believe in a neat happy ending, if there really is such a thing....

Labels: alex, happy endings, love, making it work, pink crimson, relationships

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 4:02 AM