Jealousy Kills

04-21-2010 Wednesday

Before we go any further in this post, I would like to clarify first that I have very few girl friends that holds a special place in my heart, and I love them all dearly and I want nothing but the best for them.

Ok, back to regular posting..

An old friend of mine from high school whom I have constant communications with, thanks to the online wonder called Facebook, informed me that she recently got married and it's too bad I didn't make it but I can just make it up to her by being there when she give birth to her first child. 'Sure, count me in! Congratulations, I'm happy for you! Have a happy life ahead!' was my reply to her post. I typed the words out carefully, hoping that she can feel the sincerity of those words from wherever she is presently. After typing the words, I pointed the mouse to REPLY and clicked once. Voila, my message was sent.

After replying to her, I went back to my own homepage but my mind is still stuck on the words she has said. She got married. Hesitantly, I typed her name on the Search bar and clicked on her profile again. The wedding pictures weren't uploaded on her page, it was on her husband's account, I think, and somehow I felt glad I didn't see the pictures. In the back of my mind, I feel some kind of jealousy and trust me, I hate feeling it. Remember that I made everyone aware of how I love my friends?

Well, the green-eyed monster in me is feeling slightly envious of my friend's luck in love. She was married in our church and her husband shares the same faith she has. It's the happy ever after shit. I wanted it to be mine. Shit. The more evil side in me is even thinking that I deserve it more than she does because of the situation of my family. I'm pretty sure she doesn't have to be the only one to work for the family, she has siblings and most importantly, I've known her long enough to know that she doesn't have a bipolar mother, who'll probably breakdown if things don't go well for her.

I know I shouldn't be jealous of someone else's happiness, especially for a friend but I don't know why I feel it sometimes. I'm not getting desperate, uhh okay maybe a little.. I mean, I just want things to work out for me also. Why can't it be me? Childish, I know, and I apologize for being like this.

Love. Marriage. Happy Endings. What am I thinking? This is not me! Hell, I never believed in any of those shits before now! What the hell happened to me?! I'm aware I'm changing but I never expected this KIND of change.

I logged out of Facebook before I start getting more envious. I can be happy for other people, of course, there are some instances when I was just thinking, that there's a lot of people in this world, so why can't the problems be divided equally? Silly question but I hope it can happen, so that I don't have to feel mad for those ungrateful bastards who complain about the simplest problems [like having dilemma on what color will they choose for their next saloon appointment, woops].

Life...Unfair isn't it? I may need to start counting my blessing for it seemed like they rarely come these days...

Labels: friends, happy endings, jealousy, life, pink crimson, weddings

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 6:18 PM 0 Comments

Holding On..Still

01-06-2009 Wednesday

He has no idea at all. He didn't know that, merely hours ago, before he arrived, I was writhing in pain, drowning in my own tears that wouldn't seem to stop. I was trying hard, so hard, to stop myself from crying over someone who, obviously don't care at anymore. That's what I felt.

The sting of the pain is shattering and it's poisoning every vein in my body, making it hard for me to move, so I stayed, I lie down still holding on to my pillow that has been washed with bitter tears. I had flashbacks, wonderful flashbacks of yesterday, from the day that I first met him, the first look, the first smile, the first time he made those sweet promises that seem to vanish in thin air now. I shut my eyes hard, wanting to freeze those memories, wanting to go back to that yesterday and stay there for good. If tomorrow is gonna be like this, then I'd rather stay with the guy that I've fallen in love with many months before.

I don't remember how I even managed to fall asleep inspite of the waterworks in my eyes, but I did. The next thing I know, I was hearing my cellphone ring. I grabbed my handset and squinted at the screen to see who's calling. It's him. I hit reject. Calling... Reject. 1 new message. 2 new messages. Sighing, I read the messages. 'I'm outside. Please go out' the message was short but it has a lingering effect in me.

I got out of bed, turned on the light outside, and swung the door open. He was there, in front of our doorstep, wearing that darn black jacket that looked too damn good on him. He knew what to do, he parked the motorcycle inside our gate, handed me a plastic and went inside the house.

I followed reluctantly, dragging my feet with me, while I contemplated inside my head on how I would end our relationship because with the way he's always making me feel, it seemed like it's for the best. It's not like I wanted it to end, I don't ever want to let go but he has given me enough reasons to give him up.

I am so decided to let go, but when he held me close, I'm lost again, I'm back to the hopeful girlfriend who's always begging for his time. He noticed that my eyes were red and puffy and I admitted to him that I am sad with the way he's treating me.

We talked. He said I was just being too sensitive, that he still love me like before. 'Nothing's changed, I love you just the same' he added. I shrugged, 'if you say so'. 'You don't believe me, d'ya?' he looked amused and I pouted, 'No', he smiled at that and I knew that we're good again.

This starting over shit is getting tiring but I'm willing to try and try again. Maybe I overreact sometimes, uhh, ok most of the time, maybe I'm an attention whore but behind all this is a simple me, wanting to feel important, wanting to believe in a neat happy ending, if there really is such a thing....

Labels: alex, happy endings, love, making it work, pink crimson, relationships

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 4:02 AM 0 Comments