Hurts Like Hell

12-30-2009 Wednesday

He has said the words that I've been dreading to hear for months now. He wouldn't be spending the New Year with me. I always knew that would happen but a big part of me was still hopeful to be with him as we say goodbye to oh-nine. That's also the reason why I didn't plan anything with him beforehand because I had it in my guts that he will fuck this up, and he goddamn did.

After we talked and decided we'd start over again and be more appreciative of each other, I started expecting him to be exert as much effort as he could. I was so disappointed when we talked outside the building of my office, I didn't expect him to still choose his fucking job and boss over me.

We were standing just in front of the building where he usually waits for me before when he'd pick me up from work. As I stood there, I silently wondered why those days of seeing him waiting there for me seemed so far away now. He had his old, torn bag with him and I asked him why he seemed to have a lot of stuff with him. He answered a casual, 'oh my boss asked me to stay with them till the 3rd'. The 3rd? I kid you not, he sounded as if it's a very normal thing for him to spend a couple of days with his fucking boss.

Wow, that only means he'll be spending New Year with those people that I don't even know. When I reminded him that he has me, he was like, well you said you'll go to work New Year's Eve. I remembered I did, but that's because I'm waiting for him to tell me has plans for New Year, I'm waiting, waiting for him to tell me he wanted to be with me as the year ends. Well, let's just say that I would really go to work, did he not realize that it's dangerous for me to go to work alone? Did he not realize that I might need him to take me to work?

I can't help but cry as I told him everything I'm feeling. I feel bad, so damn disappointed, so left out. He also said that I should've told him that I don't plan to go to work so he could've said no to his boss and now he has said his powerful yes and he can't fucking take it back? Jesus. How did he change to someone who doesn't even care or give a damn about my well being?

No matter how hurt I am, I can't find the strength to end everything between us. I love him so much that I can't imagine myself living without him. If there is something I'm wishing for so bad, it's that I will find someone else or if not, I wish that I would be gone completely, far far away from him that he can''t find me, hopefully, he'll finally realize my worth when that happens.

I'm still hopeful. I told him to do something about it. That's my last chance, our last chance, his last chance to prove to me that I mean something to him. Find a way, I told him, to be with me, even if it's after 12, I'll be waiting. 'Íf not,'I added to myself, I have to start learning to let him go.

He was sad, his eyes tearful, and I held his hand, kissed his cheek and I left him to face another day at work. I knew he'll come. I'm hoping, for the last time, I am still hoping.

Labels: alex, break-up, happy, love, New Year, relationships

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 2:37 AM