Fading to Dust

01-14-2010 Thursday

What does it feels like to burn out? Is it similar to fading away, to fall down, lose all strength to stand up and just accept the fact that you're just a small wimp in a cutthroat world. You're like a fly, easily swatted and smashed to death by greedy humans. Useless, dead, hopeless. I think that's what it feels like to burn out.

I remember a conversation I had with Jeff, my teammate, my brother-from-another-mother and batchmate at work,a week ago when we were talking about our job, the pressure, the years we've spent here, and all things in between. He have this weary look on his face and an upset glance in his eyes.

He told me that he used to ask himself why he's not able to reach the goals unlike most of us in the team.

I told him, it's not just him, that we're all having a hard time reaching the goal. He said, for him, it's every week that he's failing, and he's losing hope. I tried to cheer him up by saying that he can still do it, just hang on, he has his family, his kids to think about.

'That's the thing..' he has told me, 'I have my family to think about. I can't wait for them to terminate me because of my performance, I have to start looking for another company.'

'I know what you're saying..' and I mean it. I maybe 5 years younger (I think) than him but I know exactly what he's talking about. 'For other people in our team, it's so easy for them to give up, try to get another job without worrying about having food on their table. For us, it's a different thing, it's harder. We BADLY need a job. We have a family counting on us.'

He sighed a long and weary sigh. 'You know what, Meann? I'm burned out. That's why I'm failing..'

That's it. He has said the word that has been lingering in the back of my mind but hasn't resurfaced until he said that. Burned out. I couldn't think of any better word to use for what we're feeling now. I nodded, pondering his words. 'Yeah, bro. The fire is no longer burning huh?'

I stared at his blank eyes, and saw nothing. He's dead inside. He meant every word. I forced a smile when I tried to reminisce with him. 'Remember the first time we stepped here? A whole new world, we're all excited, we have this huge balls of fire burning inside, eager to sell and make history in this company..'

He cracked a smile, 'Yes, feels like it was just yesterday. Now, I'm totally..completely..burned out.'

'So you're leaving?' I was afraid to ask but I still did.

He shrugged, 'Like I said, I can't wait for them to kick my ass outta here, I gotta do something.'

'Oh well..' I looked into his eyes again. Dead. He was gone. He said he'll do something but I can sense that he's halfway out the door already. 'Don't forget about the good times brother.' I have to force another smile and it's starting to hurt my jaws.

He gave me a big bear hug, 'You Meann, you're stupid and I'm gonna miss you the same way I'm missing Raymond.' Raymond, if you all remember is my other teammate/brother-from-anotha-mother who has resigned several months ago.

'You're stupid, you're a maniac, you're a pervert..and you're a brother. Stupid stupid brother.' I muttered under my breath.

The conversation ended when we both had a call but the words still stayed inside my head. He's leaving. I'm losing another brother. The people that make me happy at work are going away one by one. The people that give me reasons to stay. The people that make me love this job, make it less stressful, less of a bitch. My last post is about changes, and these people seemed to be prepared for the changes as well.

What about me? I need the job, of course, but there's a helluva lot more opportunities outside this company. 3 years of sales experience under my belt, a typing speed of over 50wpm (on a good keyboard, hehe), and don't forget about the skills that I believe I still have. It is hard but it is possible to find another job with a better offer.

I could do it anytime, but the reason why I'm staying is because I'm enjoying the company, the team, the unlimited supply of tissue in the bathroom, the location of the building (abs-cbn, need I say more?) and all those simple things but we're all hating the way they manage our department. The worthless calls we're getting, the impossible to reach goals, and most of all, the very little amount of comission we're earning, something that if you compare to other company, they can offer more than triple of what we're getting now.

With almost every good friend in my team leaving, the calls getting more impossible to convert to sales, the goals getting harder, I mean I know things are not that easy but things shouldn't be that hard that it's close to impossible, it's like they're really trying to get rid of employees.

My grip is not as tight as it used to be. My stats last week sucked and I'm on coaching for not hitting last week's goal. It's not just me who was not able to hit the goal but it's my first time to undergo coaching because of that. First time in 2 years and 8 months of my employment. Geez.

Burned out. Dying. Fading to dust. What does it feels like? Do you really wanna know?

Labels: Burned out, call center, Jeff, NCO, pink crimson, pressure, stress

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 2:44 AM