Dawning of A New Month
09-01-2009 Tuesday
It's -ber month again. It's the time of the year when most people begin doing the Christmas countdown, malls begin opening grand sales, and everyone seemed to have this foolish grin on their faces, as if they are all looking forward for the holiday seasons in spite of not having enough money to even make it throughout the year. Yep, it's almost that jolly time of the year again, I can almost hear bells jingling or is it just the screws loose inside my head?
Anyway, this should be the time of the year when I should be all giddy and join the holiday mayhem, not because I celebrate Christmas (hell, we don't have Christmas, by the way), it's simply because, it's not too bad to feel as jolly as the next guy standing next to you in a crowded mall, who takes pleasure from window shopping all the items on sale. After all, window shopping costs nothing and maybe, he's just as broke as you but his spirit keeps him high, happy and satisfied. Yeah, simple joy of life, right? It makes me wonder, if that same guy who enjoys the simple pleasures of life like I do has a family to worry about? I think he does, yes. And I wonder if he has a mother he hates so bad, he even dread the thought of coming home to? That, I don't think he does. The stupid smile on his face doesn't show that he has dealt with a mother like that.
It leaves me to be alone in this boat of misery just in time for the happiest months of the year. Aside from that one huge bummer, I'm pretty happy and contented anyway. I've never been the type of person who cries over the most shallow shit that life always throw in my face. I don't also complain. I let things happen, I do what I want to do, I believe in living life to the fullest and I've had all my share of laughter, tears, misfortunes..and so fucking on. My life has always been an open book to people close to me, though nowadays, I prefer to keep my life private.
So what do I do now? My mother is still here, being the lazyass bitch she has become, my gramma is still considering to work again, and me? I'm tired as hell to go to work but I have no choice but to drag my feet to Quezon City and work my ass off. Work is a bitch these days. The management continues to suck money that should've been in our payslips and I seriously feel like something needs to be done.
As of writing this entry, I still couldn't come up with something to do to stay away from my mother. Getting married is not on the list, by the way. Living on my own sounds good but it'll cost me an arm and a leg for sure. Staying on the boarding house again is also not an option right now since I'm still mad at Alex and he hasn't made any effort to apologize or communicate with me. That's fine with me, I want him to miss me so damn much, maybe then he'll realize how incomplete he is without me. That's what he usually says so he might as well prove it. With this things in my head, plus the fact that we're so broke we can't even afford a decent meal (cheese spread on rice again, for me..), I don't even know how I can keep my head clear.
Last night, I made a grave decision by myself. I sent a message thru Facebook to my dad, asking for a little help. I know he's somehow mad at me for not studying again this year and ever since I graduated high school, I have never asked him for any financial help. We're not on father-daughter terms for many years now, we're just two casual person who happens to be related by blood. It was very awkward for me to come up to him like that but I have to swallow every pride I have left and asked him for help. His reply is emotionless telling me that he doesn't care about what I do now and that he'll send me the money on payday. I know that for him, I looked like I only tried to communicate because I needed the money, but I ignored that too. I swallowed every bit of dignity I've kept to myself for many years now. I have no choice. No matter how many times I deny that the man is my father, I can never change that fact, and besides, he has a responsibility to send me child support money, something that he has stopped doing a long time ago.
Happiest time of the year isn't it? Come out and be happy. Let me also do my own countdown: it's now, 10 days to go before my birthday so if you wanna give me a present, better wrap it now. :)
Oooohhh lastly, lemme end this post with a good news:
ARCH ENEMY will perform here! October 20, 2009..Hooraaaah!!!
Labels: ARCH ENEMY, birthday, live, mother, pink crimson
This Ain't Just Hate..It's FURY
08-31-2009 Monday
Hating your mom is when you rebel against everything she says, when you don't listen, when you speak ill against her, and so on and forth. What I feel is beyond hate, that it made me sick to even think that this woman, who sleeps the entire day and does nothing but play that goddamn gameboy of mine, is my mother. It makes me want to vomit so bad that I can't stand being in the house with that woman they call my mother. I'd rather be anywhere, far away, where I can't see her being lazy and not giving damn about whether we'll still have food to eat by tomorrow. All that woman cares about is to get sleep and to be able to play that little damn toy that don't even belong to her.
I know I'm a bad daughter, even a person, to think these things but how can I help myself when I don't seriously feel anything for her anymore? How can I love a that woman who don't even care about her family? I woke up today feeling heavy inside, thinking what am I gonna do because we don't have any money left to buy food. My gramma has the same frown in her face and I know that she's thinking the same thing. All this while my mom, sits around, not giving a fuck, not even a slight frown on the face to show that she's thinking hard on how to have money. I just wanna kick her in the face and shout, "Fuck, bitch, what do we now?! We don't have food for lunch, do you understand that bitch?! You're the so-called mother, this is supposed to be your problem, not mine!" Fuck her, fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I am way beyond hating her, I'm sick of her.
We couldn't come up with any money so this day marks the day of our poverty. We're not rich but we never had a time like this when all we have for lunch is rice and nothing else. For three weeks or maybe more, my mother has been in the house doing nothing, waiting for that goddamn job. Other mothers can't even stand being in the house that long without doing something to earn money, Why is she different? Why can't she be like a regular mother who does anything just to provide food in the table for her family?
I found a small bottle of Cheez Whiz in the fridge and helped myself whip some of it on the rice so I can eat lunch. Festivity of cheese, weeeee. I can't believe my own mother let me eat rice slathered on cheese spread for my lunch. She's in a proper state of mind, as far as I know, or maybe she has brain damage already and we just don't know it. A real mother would rather die than see her family starve like that. I doubt now, if she's really my mother. Who is this fucking woman that's inhabiting our house? When will she get the fuck out? For God's sake, if she doesn't have any use for us then just let her die. Just let her die, please.
There's no one to help me out. I've never felt more alone now. Alex didn't show up or anything and I guess he has decided to let go of me afterall. Whatever his decision is, I'm okay with that. This isn't the time to think about other things. All I'm thinking about is how we can get by until payday which is 5 days away. Another thing I'm thinking about is when that woman will finally leave the house or better yet, just die, so that my gramma and I can live peacefully again and I can have my normal life back.
Labels: alex, cheez whiz, daughter, mother, pink crimson, poverty
Tired Of it All
08-30-2009 Sunday
There are things I should've known, or should've guessed that's gonna come but with the state of mind I'm currently in mixed with the lack of premonition from those people involved, I am left unable to make any move before I could even grasp the things that are happening fast.
Everything was fine earlier this morning, there's no trace of what's to come and Alex gave me the assurance like he always did. Alex don't have work today so I am comforted with the thought that he'll be there when I wake up later in the afternoon and I can go home after getting some sleep.
Being clueless of what's gonna come can take you by surprise and at the same time, make you look so stupid and that's exactly what happened to me today. I was only asleep for less than two hours when the sound of shitty mainstream dance music blasting throughout the boarding house woke me up. The crowded boarding house sounded twice as noisy as it usually does, with everyone talking, laughing and walking here and there. I overheard Alex's voice talking among them, even laughing and everyone sounded so excited about something I can't figure out but I can feel being entirely out of place. I pretended to still be asleep when Alex entered the room, I heard the other guy from the opposite bed where I lie, asked him, "Lex, ilan ba kasya sa owner? Pwede kaya kami sumama?". I strained to hear his answer but the shitty music blocked my ears. I don't need to hear his answer though, my guts told me that they have some place to go today, and he lied when he told me he isn't going anywhere. Of course, he's gonna come with them, cause he'll be the one to drive that fucking owner.
I waited for him to wake me up, to tell me that he's gonna go somewhere, to ask me if I wanted to come, but when I opened my eyes, I saw himbusy fixing the clothes in his cabinet. He saw me staring at him, no not just staring at him, scowling at him. I was waiting for him to say something. He said nothing. I forced myself to get up in spite of feeling dizzy from lack of sleep, and demanded an explanation from him. He said he didn't know they will be going some place far, he thought it's just somewhere near. Some place far? I don't even wanna hear about it. HE sounded so happy when I overheard them talking and that's enough for me to feel how unimportant I am to him.
If I wasn't awaken by their voices, I wouldn't have any idea where they've gone when I happen to wake up in the afternoon and I will feel like a total idiot because I am clueless of the whereabouts of my boyfriend. Great, that's just great. I said I'm gonna go home now, and he insisted that I can wait for them so he can take me home. 'No thanks. sweetie, I know that when those people go some place far, it'll take you forever before you return and besides, you seemed to be happy without me, so just enjoy being with them.' after saying that, I cried. I've never felt so out of place.
He tried to calm me down and he said I can join them. Join them huh? Squeeze inside that damn owner and celebrate my lack of sleep? Fuck them. Fuck them all. I will go home, and maybe try to find another place to stay for next week. I am thankful to them for letting me stay and I'm sorry for crying, acting immature or whatever they might wanna call it. I just don't want to be the last to know if my boyfriend has places to go without me. That's plain bullshitting me. Add the fact that he lied about not going anywhere today, I read the message on his cellphone and obviously, they told him yesterday that they need him to drive for them today.
I was still crying when he left me. He stuffed the keys of my motorcycle in my clenched fists and tried to kiss me goodbye. I turned away from him and continued to cry. I listened as the owner sped away and a few minutes after they've gone, I'm still crying. I shed the last tears from my eyes and started packing my used and unused clothes inside my small bag. I'm going home. Enough of all this. I know I'll feel pissed when I go home only to find my mom still jobless, useless and simply a pain in our ass but I can't stay in this place that's deafening with silence, completely devoid of human presence.
The motorcycle is just newly fixed and I had a hard time trying to start it so I have no choice but commute. I hopped on the bus and on my way home, I can't help but cry some more. I looked out the window and covered my eyes with my hanky. I really wanna break up with Alex, for now. I want him to realize how much he needs me, that is, if he really does. I want him stop lying even though I know some of his lies are for my own sake. Lies are lies, no matter what intentions you may have.
I'm tired of working, I'm tired of going home to a useless mother, I'm tired of being the one to worry about my family's welfare, I'm tired of the responsibility. I have seriously considered robbing a bank, being a thug or part of a mafia and earn money by killing rich people who doesn't deserve to live anymore. I'm sick, tired and I'm just standing on the edge of a cliff, ready to dive when the earth give in from underneath me. I think with all these thoughts inside my head, having a boyfriend who can't completely be honest with me, is the last thing I need.
Labels: alex, mafia, mother, pink crimson, work
Thursday is the Day!
08-27-2009 Thursday
I woke up at around 9 this morning, feeling quite good. This will be the day that I go back to work and when I get off from work tomorrow morning, I'm gonna head straight to Alex's.
I went to the kitchen and my gramma told me that she plans to go to a friend of hers later today to ask around if someone might need a cook or something. I know this is gonna come. She's starting to look for a job again. I told her no, you don't have to work anymore, I'll find a way. I slumped at a chair beside my mom, who eats quietly. I doubt she's even concern that my gramma is trying to look for a job again while she continues to be useless to us.
I thought of my plan to not go home and that keeps me from being mad again. Not today, I said to myself, just bare with it for one more day. I quietly stuffed some clothes in my bag yesterday while they're busy, so they don't have any idea. I plan to tell my gramma later anyway before I leave. She knows whenever I runaway from home, and she also knows the reason behind it. We had an understanding that goes deeper beyond just being grandma and granddaughter. I'm gonna miss her but she'll be fine, I know she trusts Alex and Alex will take care of me anyway. Besides, I plan to go home this Sunday. Alex has a job and I can't stay at that house alone.
I don't really care if most of you will consider that running away is similar to being a coward, but I've always cared less of what others think of me, I know myself better than anyone and whatever it is that lies ahead, I've learned to deal with it in my own way, without any reluctance and regrets.
Labels: alex, gramma, granddaughter, mother, runaway, thursday
One Way Out
08-25-2009 Tuesday
It's Tuesday now, I'm losing hope that my mom will go back to her job anytime soon. No message from my aunt, no signs of my mom trying to look for another job, which doesn't surprise me, she'd rather be a homebody again and let us die from starving.
I'm also starting to worry, if this goes on, what's gonna happen to us now? I'm not earning enough to cover all our needs especially now that the rent to our new hole is more expensive than the former house were we got kicked out. I'm worrying about our finances while my beloved mother worries about what's gonna happen to the TV series she's dying to watch every afternoon. I've been the breadwinner of the family for quite sometime now and these are the times when I wanna give up again. I want to elope with Alex, find some place else to live, forget all about my responsibilities and have just my own self to feed everyday.
But of course, I can't just do that. No matter how bad I am as a daughter, I can never leave my gramma behind. I don't really give a damn about my lazy mom, I simply care about my gramma. She's old and I don't want her to work anymore. If I leave them, I'm sure that my gramma will work again to be able to feed themselves. I don't want that. I have to stay with them and be responsible enough to continue being there for what's left of my family.
The only thing I can do now to avoid being pissed with my mom, is to not go home often. I'm still on leave today, I'll go back to work this Thursday and I already talked to Alex that I'm gonna stay to the boarding house again once I go back to work just to sleep during the day, since I go to work at night, he said that wouldn't be a problem. I also added that I won't rely on them for my meal so they don't need to worry about me. I just need a place where I can sleep and take a bath.
Tonight, I almost went to bed when a knock interrupted. Alex came to pick me up so I can stay with him for the night. I thought he's not gonna come and I am glad he did. We had dinner, I showered quickly and we left. My mom is busy watching TV again, so I called out to her that we're gonna go to a gig. She doesn't really give a damn anyway, she'd rather deal with those stupid drama series at night.
Sometimes, I wish she'll just drop dead, god, what's the difference anyway? She's more dead to me than alive.
Labels: alex, daughter, mother, pink crimson, runaway
Happy Bday Dear Beloved Grandma!!
08-24-2009 Monday
For my gramma, I can do anything if it's something that will please her, so since it's her birthday today, I kept my cool towards my mom and acted like a lovable daughter who's so fond of her mother.
My gramma woke up early, like she always did and prepared some delicious food. She cooks heavenly food so the moment the smell of what she's cooking drifted in the air, I got up from my bed and followed the wonderful aroma coming from the kitchen. I greeted her a happy birthday and told her that I put the presents on her bed. She said thanks and busied herself in preparing the delicious food. Spaghetti, salad, breaded loaves and some fried rice. We planned to keep it simple, since we're a very small family, and we don't expect a lot of visitors. There's just Alex and my mom's new guy whose name is so damn common but I still forgot nonetheless.
Alex arrived in the afternoon, greeted my gramma and I served him lunch. He ate till he was stuffed and sleepy. I grabbed him and let him lie in the carpeted floor so he can rest, while I read John Grisham's The Client, and my mom and gramma settled on the chairs near the TV, to watch those same old lousy drama series from a lousy TV channel. I ignored the cheesy dialogues and corny plots from the TV and just focused on what I'm reading.
My mom's new guy, whose name I can't still recall as I type this, arrived around 6. My mom served him dinner and they talked and laughed like damned teenagers who's just starting to get along on their first date. Well, it's not my business, if my mom still wants to act like a teen with a guy a few years younger than her, I don't care, as long as she does what she's supposed to do as a mother,
Alex left before 8pm, said goodbye to my gramma and greeted her again for the -nth time that day. My gramma was pleased and I can tell that Alex has scored some brownie points more than my mom's new guy did, hell, forget I said that.
I am glad that this day turned out okay. It's my dear beloved gramma's birthday and at least I'm able to look like everything's fine with me, even if it's just for a day.
Labels: alex, daughter, gramma, John Grisham, mother, pink crimson, The client
Back Home
08-23-2009 Sunday
This whole running away thing might sound funny to most of you but I can't blame anyone for laughing at this crazy stance of mine. 3 days? So much for running away right?
Well, this is just the beginning of it, I can sense that with the way things are at home when I came earlier this morning. My mother is, surprise, still there, and, another surprise, still doing nothing but play with my gameboy SP while my gramma dear prepares lunch. Now, where in the world can you find a good mother who plays a fucking gameboy rather than do house chores? Am I the only one who thinks that mothers are made to take care of the household chores or if not, mothers are supposed to work? What the hell is wrong?!
With my mom still in the house, it's still not a good sign. It's more than 2 weeks now and this is the way it has been before. Her boss, which is also my aunt, will ask her to go home for awhile then, she'll just tell her when to come back but she never did. She was sent on vacation till eventually, she was never asked to be back for the job. It's not her fault, I totally understand her for that and I hate my aunt for that. Like I said, I don't have any problem with her being physically at home, my problem is that she never does ANYTHING. ANY HOUSE CHORES. NONE, NOTHING. All she does at home is sleep, I wonder how can she still manage to open her eyes from sleeping too much, I just wanted her to be a mother to me, that's all.
I know that I haven't shared my rebel years yet and don't get your hopes up because I don't plan on exposing any of it, those are just skeletons tucked inside my closet for a good reason. So with those past behind me, I know it's easy for other people to say that all I have to do is talk to her about it, open up a nice conversation, and share our thoughts with each other, oh crap, I've done ALL of that, and none of it worked. Sure, she listened before, she seemed to change for awhile but look at her now, she's back to being the lazy ass homebody. Fuck, I don't need a mother like that. Shit, how I missed the peaceful home I used to have with just me, Damien, my cats and my gramma.
After eating lunch, I slept before I could think of leaving again. It's a hot afternoon and I don't want to be pissed so bad that I wanna leave again after coming home barely an hour earlier. I was so tired and sleepy from my long lonely days that's why I drifted off immediately. Off to wonderland. I'll worry about where I'll go next week when I wake up and when my energy is replenished.
Too...tired...to..talk...now...Zzzzzzzzzz
Labels: Damien, daughter, home, mother, pink crimson, runaway
The Lonely Days
08-22-2009 Saturday
My 2nd day as a fugitive. I've been all over the place trying to kill time since Alex has a job during weekends and I don't want to be left alone in the boarding house without him. It was a long and lonely day so I'll just give a quick summary because the entire story might bore you all to death.
For the 2nd consecutive day, I've been to SM Fairview again. It's not something I enjoy, seeing the mall as it is like it did yesterday is so damn boring, take my word for that. You see the same people behind the cash registrar of this store, the same ice cream flavors on the familiar ice cream stands, the same arrangement of books on the bookstore and the same floor/wall designs of the mall. It could be irritating, it's similar to standing on the side of the street and counting those damn jeepneys that's starting to look all the same.
It's also my 2nd day of menstrual period and the cramps haven't subsided yet, I still feel as horrible as I did yesterday. I still feel like being cut in half everytime I try to walk a bit faster. My feet are also starting to hurt from walking. It was around afternoon and I haven't eaten lunch yet. I plan to eat at the office, I know even though I'm on leave, the pantry is still open and I can sneak a meal since I have my ID with me.
Good thing, I bumped into
Kuya Joey in SM.
Kuya Joey, whom I haven't seen for awhile after the break-up with Mac, is still the funny guy I could always count on. He said he still have some parts of the motorcycle with him and I can come with him to pick those up. I have all the time anyway so I agreed to come with him. He bought a few things at the department store first, then off we went to his house, which is just near SM.
Warning: A little bit of nostalgia here...Kuya Joey's house, which has been our lair before for the drinking sessions with Mac, is still the same as it had been the last time I was there. The mono bloc chair where I usually sat beside Mac is still sitting against the wall. The karaoke with the mic lying beside it is still under the TV. The table that used to hold a few bottles of beer, junk foods and cigarettes.Those things somehow brought back a distant memory in my head, the memory with Mac. It has been more than a house for me before. This is where we hang-out, where I talk to Mac, where he said promises I used to believe in.
I forced myself to go back to the present when
Kuya Joey appeared from the kitchen, holding the two items for my motorcycle. I helped him wrap those in a plastic bag. Then, he prepared lunch and we ate, talking about motorcycles, Pag-ibig funds, and houses. It felt weird to talk to Mac's cousin and to be in the house that has been a witness to our past but I brushed it all aside.
Kuya Joey rarely goes home here, he has a job in Manila now so this could be the last time I'll ever be in this house again.
After that brief nostalgic moment, I went to Novaliches and shopped for some gifts for my gramma. It's her birthday this coming Monday and I looked around for stuff I haven't given her before. I came up with 2 nice looking blouse, a pair of earrings, a bottle of perfume and a skirt for attending worship services.
My next and final stop that day is the office. I went straight to the sleeping quarters, gave my ID and lie in bed. I was so tired, it felt heaven to lie down after a very long day without Alex. He texted me that afternoon and said that his boss will go to a party so he might be home late. He said I'd rather not wait for him. I told him I can wait, I don't wanna go home alone. I slept for awhile and woke up at around 7pm. I went out, got my ID and watched TV in the recreation room. I still haven't heard anything from Alex, I figured he might really be home late. I went to the pantry and ate quickly. It was getting late and my colleagues might find me here so after eating, I have no choice but to go home alone.
Of course, I'm living under the same roof with Alex but somehow, I still feel like he's far away. He's not home, and I feel all alone in spite of the noisy boarding house. Alone and lonely... Alone, lonely and motherless. Hmm, I think I can live with this.
Labels: alex, fugitive, kuya joey, mac, pink crimson, quezon ave, runaway
The Runaway Daughter
08-21-2009 Friday
Finally, Alex told me I can stay in the boarding house for awhile. Yipee. I am on leave for this day but I still acted like I'm gonna go to work.
My gramma went to a friend's house and she wouldn't be home till evening so I was left with my mother, who surprisingly prepared some food. I wasn't impressed, she only did that because my gramma wasn't home, that's it. After eating, I quietly packed some clothes in the small bag. I also armed myself with a toothbrush, shampoo sachets, deodorant, hairbrush, a tube of lipstick and a baby powder. I'm used to running away so packing quickly isn't a hard task. I took a bath, applied light make up on my face, told my mom, I might be home tomorrow night and before she could say anything else, I'm out the door, eager to runaway from everything that has do in dealing with her.
Alex have work today and he wouldn't be out till night so I stayed at SM, tired from it but being the fugitive that I am, I have to deal with all this now. I decided to wait for him, I'd rather go to the boarding house with him than go there on my own. I have my menstrual period today and it sucks so bad to walk around feeling like the cramp will just cut you in half. It's so hard being a girl, is the thing I usually thought to myself whenever I have my period and I know most girls feel the same way.
At around 7:30, Alex told me he's about to go home. I rode the jeepney to Q.Ave and asked him to wait for me, I'm on my way.
He was standing there, on the streetside, looking tired from a day's work but nonetheless, handsome in my eyes. We went to the boarding house and I was greeted with the familiar smiles from the people he live with. I smiled shyly. There's just too many people in that boarding house that it's pretty crowded, and this is the place where Alex has lived for a few years now, and since I decided to stay here, I have to live with it.
Hah, I'd rather deal with a dozen people I barely knew than deal with a mother I thought I knew.
Labels: alex, daughter, mother, pink crimson, quezon ave, runaway
Unbearable
08-20-2009 Thursday
I'm seriously sick of waking up in the afternoon only to find my damned mother lying on the floor, sleeping her ass off all day instead of just being a mother to me and prepare my food before I go to work. No, she ain't like that, and that's the truth I think I have to deal with as long as we're both here as mothers and daughters in the same house but miles apart from each other.
I've tried to ignore her a dozen times already, believe me, but it's hard to do that whenever I will see my gramma working hard to prepare my food, seeing her tired from doing the house chores all day. It's sickening to think how my mother can sleep like a fucking baby while we work our asses off all day.
I sighed upon waking up, wanting to pretend I accidentally kicked her but knowing I can't pull off a lie as obvious as that. I faced my late lunch, looking grim, sighing continously. If I have to wake up like this for the next few days then I think I might go crazy from supressed anger. Another thing that pisses me off is how she turns on the TV after waking up, then, her next companion will be those disgusting redundant afternoon drama series. How in the world can a mother be so involved in a TV program instead of give a fuck if her daughter has already eaten her lunch before going to work?
As always, I kept all the rage inside me. I don't want to start a fight anymore. I know how much it troubles my gramma, and I don't want her to worry about us. I act like everything's okay, I wore a mask of happiness when all I wanna do is throw my mother out of the house and just live alone peacefully with my gramma. I love my gramma more than I love my real parents because all these years, she's the only parent who has been there beside me. If both my parents die, that's fine with me, but if my gramma die, knock on wood she does not, I'll probably move out of the house, take my pets with me and leave my mother alone. Call me the ungrateful daughter, I'll turn around and say, 'you don't even know half of it'.
Behold, this is how my momma raised me. It's a scary thought, and yes, I'm your worst nightmare turned reality.
Labels: daughter, mother, nightmare, pink crimson, rebel, runaway
The Hurdles
08-19-2009 Wednesday
And so my journey for searching a place to stay just began as I start asking around at work. It's not an easy task, I can't just ask them without having to explain why I have to stay with them for awhile. Besides, if I tell them the truth, they might just ask me to stay at home and work things out but heck, I know better.
My choices aren't that many to begin with. I have very few colleagues who rents on their own and has no problem in letting me stay with them, well, based on the people I've asked around, it all boils down to one promising prospect; that is my teammate, Elaine. She lives on her own, rents this nice apartment with two other colleagues (husband and wife and their baby) of ours, whom I'm not really associated with. She said it could be okay, if I don't have a problem dealing with a baby crying every now and then. God, you should know by now that I don't really fancy babies as much as other people does. I lied that it wouldn't be a problem, but I wasn't sure either since I'll also ask my boyfriend first.
Alex dropped me off at the office last night , and I thought the motorcycle was okay and all because we're able to use it already. Well, another shitty hurdle is that the motorcycle just acted up again and this time, it has stopped working. Alex texted me while I'm at work, telling me that he's pushing the motorcycle home. I apologized since there's really nothing I can do to help him, and I apologized for putting him in that situation, Of course, I feel that part of it is my fault. I bought a second hand motorcycle at cheap dirt price and now, this shitty things shouldn't surprise me much.
Alex, being the patient guy he is, said it was okay and that I need to prepare money to get it fixed. I asked how much and I almost vomited when he said around 6000 bucks. I swallowed a thick lump in my throat and simply replied,
"okay, I'll see what I can do." He said he'll help me in saving money, okay, it wasn't much of an assurance but I know I can trust his words.
Something is really stopping me from using the motorcycle alone. Why is that? Am I gonna be in a terrible accident that's why fate wouldn't let me use it alone? First, I had a hard time getting a student license. Then, when I was about to get my Non-Pro license, the government offices are closed due to a sudden storm. Then, whenever Alex is about to leave me the motorcycle, the unexpectable happen, like the battery of it dying, the rain, the traffic, anything you can imagine just to keep me from riding it alone. It's a chilling thought but I always shrug it off, I've been wanting this motorcycle, I've been wanting to ride it alone, feel free, feel like I can go anywhere without anyone trying to stop me, feel like I can kick a guy's ass because I'm a girl and gender doesn't really matter as long as you know what you want and you damn well know how to get it. I don't believe in signs and shit like that but still, when I try to think about it, it never fails to give me a chill down my spine.
I also asked Alex if they agreed to let me stay in the boarding house and it wasn't a surprise when he said he haven't had the time yet to ask. I have this feeling that he wouldn't get around to do it. They control him and I think right now, he feels like he couldn't ask anymore favor to them because he already owe them a lot. No surprise, really. A person gives you a house to live in and they own you for life. Yeah, humans can be such big assholes, that's just how it is.
I told him, that's fine he doesn't need to worry, maybe I'll just stay with Elaine, and as I type those words in my cellphone, I glanced at Elaine who's a few seats away from me. She's deep in a call, with her bushy brows furrowed as if thinking so hard or maybe she's just simply pissed with the caller. I sighed 'cause to be honest, I can't imagine myself living with her. We are friends, yes, but we have our differences.
Now, I'm down to none. What now.
Labels: alex, colleague, mother, pink crimson, runaway
Plotting the Escape
08-17-2009 Monday
As I was saying yesterday, I am pissed with my mother for being useless at home and this isn't something new in our mother-daughter relationship filled with drama (Jesus, believe me, you don't want to make me share those stories of my rebel years) so like I also posted, before we get into any fight again, I have to leave the house for awhile.
Alex picked me up at home and we went to SM, even though we don't have anything to do there except window shop because we're both broke, I just want to be anywhere but at home. I asked him if he can help me find a place to stay for a few days, better yet, if he can let me stay at the boarder house where he lives. He said he'll try to ask them and I said I'll also ask some colleagues of mine so he doesn't need to worry that much.
He asked me why I want to leave the house and I gave him a brief summary of what I used to be when my mom still stays at home. I know he's not gonna understand much but that's fine with me, it's not something I usually talk about, matter of fact, it's something I try to keep buried inside as part of the past I don't even wanna remember.
I was never a perfect daughter, but I think that my mom never was the perfect mother anyway. I don't know if it's because of the depression that ruined her before , I don't know if it's because she somehow still feels something for my dad, I don't know what made her the way she is now but one thing is for sure, I don't want to be weak like her, I want to be strong, to be tough and to not make anything take me down. Falling down is inevitable but it doesn't matter how many times we fall, what matters is how many times we stood up. After all that we've been through as a family, I think I just expect my mother to be better than what she is now.
Yes, I am planning to run away again, like before, like I always do. I want to be away from her, that way, if we're apart, I'll feel her more as mother.
Labels: alex, colleague, mother, pink crimson, rebel, SM Fairview
Boring Weekend of a Daughter
08-16-2009 Sunday
It's Sunday again, it's raining and I am officially bored again. I just finished watching another film from the DVD I just bought and I thought I am gonna watch
It's Alive, but thanks to the pirated copy, that film turned out to be
Buried Alive, a random horror film I haven't heard of before. One thing, you gotta be careful of when buying a pirated copy is to make sure the film is what the title says, my mistake, but heck, at least I had some movies to watch. Well, the title sounded okay and I have nothing to do so I ended up watching it anyway.
The film is not one of those horror films I'm expecting but it was okay, nothing else, just okay. Or maybe I expect to watch some explicit gore film on a Sunday afternoon so that's why this film didn't meet all of my expectations. When I get paid next week, I'm gonna hunt for some good DVD copy of an intensifying gore movie.
Alex has a weekend job so I don't get to see him this day. That's one bummer. Another bummer is that my mom is still at home, jobless again for 2 weeks now and I'm starting to get irritated again. She was sent home for awhile since there's the internet connection was cut off on where she's working and my aunt, who's her boss, don't have the money to pay for the reconnection fee and other bill that needs to be paid. It's not that I don't want my mother here, it's just that if she's home and she's not earning any money, it'll be nice if she does some chores at home right? Besides, that's what mothers are there for, isn't it? Hell, how I wish my mum's like that. Hell no, she's not.
Whenever she's at home, she does nothing but sleep, watch TV, sleep, watch TV, yeah, it's a sickening routine and the thing is, my gramma does all the hard work at home and as much as I would like to help, I can only do little since I lack sleep most of the time and the stress at work is killing me very slowly. I just wish her to be a mother, that's all.
We've had fights about this before and seriously I'm tired of it. She has heard my side before, knows and understand how pissed I feel whenever she's at home and she does nothing but still, nothing changes. She's still the same old, sleepyhead someone whom I can't even call mom. She's more of a mother to me when she's away and she makes money for the family, but a caring mother at home, she isn't.
The fights we've had before are ugly and when I think about those fights, it makes me remember my rebellious side, something I don't wanna go back to. I mean, I'm a changed person. I'm more mature now than I was before. Still, it sucks because I feel like when my mom is at home, she brings out the rebel in me that I've tried hard to bury before. I just don't want my gramma to do all the hard work. I'm here to help but there's only so much that I can do since work is draining almost my entire being.
Before things get ugly again, I'm thinking of leaving home for awhile. This is what I usually do to avoid fights with my mom. I've done this a couple of times before, I thought I'll never have to do it again, but I guess I have to.
There are relationships, family relationships, that works out better when they're apart and in my case,it's like that for the most part. My relationship with my mom is so much better when we're not together, and the rebel years, the tears, hate and so much more in between are marked in my scars which can testify to that.
Labels: alex, daughter, gore films, pink crimson, weekend
A Reason to Stay
08-14-2009 Friday
"What about you, what makes you stay?" I was taken aback when my teammate-slash-batchmate-slash-big bro Jeff threw that question back at me,when we talked about the shitty work we have, after our tiring 8-hour shift.
When I asked him that, he quickly answered that he's already considering of resigning, rather than wait to be terminated because of his performance, at least with that, he can come back.
I was silent for awhile before I could answer, I couldn't look at him. I thought to myself,
'yeah, good question, what makes me stay'? Given that there are other opportunities outside NCO especially with the fact that being a tenure in this company made me a good candidate for other call centers, in addition to that is, of course, higher salary somewhere else. So seriously, what makes me stay in spite of being under a shitty management?
I simply answered to him that I don't know, but in the back of my mind, those thoughts linger, even as I rode the jeepney on my way home that morning. I guess the answer to that question is still the same as the realization I've had a couple of months ago when I submitted a resignation letter but ended up taking it back. I am in love with this company. It's just the acount itself and the assholes in position are the things that make our job similar to being doomed in hell. Putting those shits aside, the company itself is warm and it has been my second home for more than two years now.
I also love my wonderful teammates. We rely on each other, we make each other laugh, we are a family to each other because it's the only way to keep ourselves from missing the real families we left at home. These people are the ones I look up to. People who, like me, has probably developed brain damage from too much stress, lack of sleep and caffeine overdose. If I resign, I will definitely miss the laughs we always share in between calls, or the teasing we throw at each other, and even the pizza party every once in a while. Without these people around me, I doubt if I can still stay this long without losing my mind completely.
Now, the fact that Jeff, one of the very few remaining batchmates I have, is thinking about applying to another company, makes me sad somehow. Is this what's gonna happen if things don't look good at the end of this month? Are my other teammates starting to consider resigning as well? I never thought things could get that bad but hopefully, God please, we can still survive another month or so. I mean, August is about to end, when September comes, the holiday season is just around the corner at that time. Who would want to resign before the happy month of December?
Well, I don't know about them, but I'm staying here. I may feel like I wanna give up but I always find reasons to continue and I thank God for that.
Labels: americans, call center, NCO, pink crimson, work
Robotic Management
08-13-2009 Thursday
'We've been conquered by Robots.'As of this day, I've come to realize that Sprint, our account in NCO Group QC, is being ruled by robotic equipments disguising themselves as human beings. Mayday! Mayday! The war is on!
Whatever happened to the people that manages the account? They've all become heartless robots who doesn't give a fuck about the agents. Have they forgotten that we are human beings, capable of losing our minds when pushed way beyond our limitations? They're expecting us to do things, like we're made of machines, and they act like robotic gods. Ugly robotic gods.
My calls are getting shittier day by day. God, I need the money, I need the incentives, I need the job. The funny thing is, they seem to give the good calls to those people who doesn't need the job as much as I do. I don't envy other people most of the time, but I really can't help thinking about it, well, maybe that's the irony of life;people who doesn't need that thing, gets it with ease, while those who badly needs it has to bleed for it.
I don't know what to do anymore. I go to work, gets the same shit calls everyday, loses my mind with every call, then I go home weary and badly wounded. I swear, if I could just be given a shotgun, and if killing isn't a crime, I would definitely shoot those unworthy robotic bastards at work.
Bang, bang, you're deadshit. Labels: call center, pink crimson, sprint, work
A Week of Pressure
08-12-2009 Wednesday
Work is getting more and more of a motherfucker to us, the employees, and we feel the pressure as those fucking cunts and cocks most commonly known as the management, tighten the leash they forced to tie around our necks. Everything is starting to get harder, the goals are next to impossible, the rules are getting more unfair, yet our pay still stays the same and the incentives are just some cents compared to what those undeserving bastards are getting.
Imagine this: They have the decency to walk around holding that Starbucks drink,produced out of the money we've worked hard for to get but sadly, we don't. We do all the selling, we fucking bleed for every sale, and the money we made goes straight into their pockets. To be honest, I don't complain about that a lot, until now that they're starting to pressure us more.
At the start of August, my stats are doing good, I even have my goal set to get more incentives this month. As the month progress, I started to go down. I don't know why. I can sell, shit, I've been at it for two years and counting but the calls I'm getting are fucking craps. I talk to whining Americans, condescending assholes, and dumb blondes. God, I wonder why America is so rich in spite of having a lot of dumb people who wanted to get the impossible.
The worse thing is they don't give a fuck about your calls. They just want you to sell, sell, sell so they can make more money out of you. You can't reason out that your calls are bullshit, you can't reason out that you customer is a racist, you can't reason out that you've tried your best because for them your best simply isn't enough.
I didn't mean to rant this much but that's just how we feel as employees. My colleagues, my dear beloved teammates share the same sentiment. Most of them will tell us to just leave if we're not happy but it's not as easy as that. We have families to feed, we have a lot of things to consider, we can't just leave. Besides, I've come to enjoy being with these people, it's just the management that makes our lives a living hell.
Our manager feels the pressure and she has no choice but to pass it on us. She has always been nice, considerate and she is not just a manager, she's a friend and confidante in one. But now, things seemed to also get in her nerves and we don't really blame her for feeling that way. She has said in many of her messages to us that she's starting to lose it, and the thing we can't say is that it's the same thing for us.
Shit. I just wish we can all make it thru this entire month of hell.
Labels: americans, blonde, pink crimson, rants, work
More GORE
08-11-2009 Tuesday
I may have said it on one post or two but to refresh your memories, I'll say it again; I like Gore films. Those unrated films that show bloods, guts, decapitations, morbid murders, you know, things that'll make you nauseate. I crave watching shit like that. That will make me look like some unpredictable retard to you, considering the fact that I'm a chick and my blog looks all girly but don't let that fool you, I have a twisted side of me and I guess it shows in my forever fascination with films that feature tons of bloodshed, carnage and brutality. To tell you the truth, I'm not even this girly before, I even used to despise the pink color. I think you can say that things change and I happen to like being a girl now. Well, what I mean by that is I like some pink things now but as far as dressing up, nah, I'll still prefer to dress down to a casual shirt and jeans. Also, some of the things I like will still stay as it is.
I happen to say these things because I just finished watching a flick entitled
Albino Farm and I still have the adrenalin I experienced with that heartstopping film. The label on the disc said
'Wrong Turn 4', a normal error on a pirated copy, and I was slightly disappointed when I saw that it wasn't
Wrong Turn. But my disapointment was replaced with eagerness to watch it up to the very end because of a good start. When the film is finished, I thought maybe it really is a sequel to the
Wrong Turn films I've watched before because the story is almost the same. That's why after turning off the TV, I surfed the net and researched about the film which is what I'm doing now.
Well, it wasn't part of
Wrong Turn, it was a whole new movie, afterall. And another thing I found out is that there's no
Wrong Turn 4 yet, there's just
Wrong Turn 3; Left for Dead. The poster looks enticing to me.
Lastly, I stumble upon a site that features a lot of horror/morbid/gore films and I'm surprised to find that there's another installment to one of my favorite films of all time,
SAW. Hooray!! I can't wait to get my hands on a copy of
SAW 6! Hooray! HOORAAAYYY!!!!
I saw a lot of movie posters for it, I can't decide which one to choose so I posted them all! LOUDER NOW: HOOORAAAYYYY!!!!!!!
Labels: Albino Farm, gore films, pink crimson, Saw 6, Wrong Turn
A Day with Alex
08-10-2009 Monday
After getting home from work, I was asleep the entire day yesterday. I woke up at around 5 in the afternoon, watched TV then faced the computer till dinnertime. Because of the long sleep I had during the day, I wasn't able to sleep until it was past 12 that midnight, and guess what I woke up as early as 4:45 this morning. Arrghh.
I woke up to the sound of Damien, scratching the floor, trying to wake my gramma up so she can take him out to pee. That's the early morning ritual of that dog. In just a few minutes, my gramma is already awake. She took Damien out and prepared breakfast. Since I can't force myself to sleep again, I reluctantly got out of bed and joined her in the kitchen.
My mother is at home with us and they plan to go to Paco, Manila to attend the funeral of a close family friend. They asked me if I want to come but I said I'd rather stay at home and rest. They had a heavy breakfast of rice and noodles while I played in my pc. They left at around 7:00. I texted Alex,asking him to join me here for the day, if he could and if they don't have anywhere to go. He said he'll come so I waited.
I got tired from the glare of the computer monitor so after an hour or so, I turned it off and lie on my bed with a book in my hand. I was just about to open the book when I heard a motorcycle pull up in front of us. I wanted to be sure it's Alex so I craned my neck to look out the window and there he was. I stood up, greeted him with a hug and a quick kiss on the cheek. He said he's almost done fixing the motorcycle and I can use it in a few days. He just wanna make sure it wouldn't act up when I'm already using it.
He went inside the room, scanning the stack of DVD I have piled beside the DVD player. He found one movie he liked, retrieved the disc and popped it in the player. When he's in front of the TV, nothing can distract him from watching and that's something I kinda hate about him. I just shrugged my shoulders, I have to bathe Damien anyway so he can keep himself busy while I do that.
I asked him if we can go to SM so I can buy myself a new book and we can just have lunch there instead of trying to cook when neither of us even know how. He agreed. He took a bath while I feed Damien and my cats. Then, I also took a bath. We left and I drove to and from SM.
It was a hot afternoon, that you wouldn't believe it was raining heavily just the day before. I had a great time with Alex. We had lunch at Tropical Hut. We did some window shopping. I found a good deal at Booksale for a John Grisham book. We also dropped by the flea market before going home to buy a new DVD, a new crocs and shirt for me. After that, we went home and watched the DVD we just bought while we feast on chips and RC Cola. We were still engrossed in the film when my gramma and mom arrived.
Alex stayed till dinner and he left at around 8pm. He had this amused look in his face again as he kissed me before leaving. I stayed outside until he disappeared on the right turn down the street. As I went back inside the house, I can't help but think how lucky I am to have someone like him beside me, to have a small nice family with me and to have a simple life to live. We're not rich, but I wouldn't trade this life I have now for any amount of money.
Labels: alex, crocs, Damien, John Grisham, pink crimson
Nothing but a Headache
08-08-2009 Saturday
We've had this new schedule for more than a week now but I feel like my body is still trying to get used to it. I still have a hard time trying to sleep in the early morning and when I happen to sleep early, I tend to wake up way too early. The result? Headache, oh and my face also hurts, I don't know how you can relate that to lack of sleep, but it happens to me.
My motivation for this day is that it's the last day of the week and tomorrow is my long awaited day off but to be honest, I barely feel my day-off, as k my colleagues and they'll say the same thing. After having the 4day shift for a few months, we all feel like a 5 day shift makes the week longer than it already is and the 2 days off is something that passes by so quick. I sleep, I woke up and the next thing I knew, I have to go to work again.
For the most part, our work is tiring, as opposed to what most peole think when they heard the word call center. We go to work as normal human beings but as our shift progresses, we develop brain damage from talking too much, drinking too much caffeine and entertaining stress as part of our everyday life. The cynics will even think that we have nothing to complain about since we get paid tons of cash anyway, when payday comes. Well, if you'll consider the things we have to give up, putting our health at risk and being battered inside, you'll think that no amount of money can make up for those.
Like I always say in most of my posts, I need this job so I would really need a lot of motivations to continue and I know it has to come from myself. Sometimes, I still wish I could be a normal teenager who goes to college and has nothing to worry about but projects, assignments and stuff like that. What else can I do, I'm already here, I have to grow up, I have things to carry on my shoulders and I know it will all pay off in God's time, like what they usually say.
So for now, I gotta go. I have some whining Americans waiting for me on the other line. Beep.
Labels: americans, call center, pink crimson, work
The Used To Be
08-07-2009 Friday
Since my motorcycle still has some fixing that needs to be done, I did my usual routine of commuting on a passenger jeep which is fine, it's just that I have to leave earlier than I used to so that when traffic kicks in, I wouldn't worry about being late again.
I left at around 5:15 in the afternoon, made my way to the side of the street and waited for a jeepney. I was busy checking my cellphone for any messages that's why I didn't notice a jeepney honking in front of me. I looked up and saw a familiar jeepney, the mirror was reflecting the view of the streetside so I had to squint my eyes to see the guys waving at me from the driver's seat. I knew why the jeepney looked familiar. This is the damn jeepney where I used to hop in for a backride so I can be with Mac. The jeepney that holds way too many memories.
I was suddenly reluctant, thinking that Mac might be with them and even though I know I can face him again, it would still be too damn awkward. Luckily, he wasn't there. I saw Kuya Blay, the driver, his younger brother Buboy, and a guy I haven't seen before. They were pointing at me with one hand while the other waves endlessly, like a lucky display cat on some stores.
Suppresing a smile, I hopped in, sat nearest at their backs and the usual 'hows it going, it has been a long time' chat began. I was happy to see them again and I can see that it's the same thing for them. One thing I was happy about is that even though Mac and I were no longer together, they still treat me as their friend. Up until now, I still feel that the friends of Mac has been more real to me than he ever did. I am glad to have met his friends and to be honest, I don't even remember him when I'm with them.
But...You wanna know what made me remember him somehow? The jeepney itself. The tattered front seat, the rusty edges of the sidemirror, the small bin just below the gauge where Mac used to keep a baby powder for instant retouch. Yeah, I think goodlooking guys are meant to be vain. I looked around the inside of the jeepney. Nothing has changed since the last time I rode here which seemed like decades ago yet at the same time, it seemed like it was only yesterday. I had a sudden vision of what I used to be, so into Mac, so eager to join them on their trips to and from SM, and how I would rest my head on his shoulders throughout the ride, and how he would buy me something to eat and how I would feel complete just by being with him, on this damn jeepney. Sheesh, I'm getting melancholic again but it has nothing to do with Mac, it's just..well, being a little nostalgic.
I was also thinking, what if Mac had been here with them today? Will I be able to make casual conversations with him without feeling any awkwardness? Like I mentioned, I'm ready to face him again, he sent me a message in Friendster and I was able to tell him everything in my reply and we ended what we've had on good terms. Still, seeing him again, that's a different story. A lot has happened, the pain, the denial, the world that almost crashed down on me, and the lies I found out. How in the world can I face that lying bastard again?
Buboy made me snap back to the present when he borrowed my MP4 so we can play music. Yet, when the songs on my MP4 blasted inside the jeep, I can't help but remember him again. These were the same exact songs they used to play over and over. I'm guilty for downloading those songs, whenever I would listen to it on my own, these songs has no effect on me but when it's being played here on the jeepney where we used to hang-out, where most of my fun memories with him are buried alive, it's making me go nostalgic again.
It's not that I still have feelings for him, come on, I love my sweet alex dearly, for me, it's like I was amazed at how time flies that I can hardly believe how many things have changed since then and how many things have stayed the same, like his friends' warmth towards me. For all those things either negative or positive, I'll always be thankful. Those are the things that made me who I am today, helped me grow up as a person, and most importantly helped me learn from those mistakes.
No regrets. This is just pure nostalgia, my friends. Mac and I walk on separate ways now, I don't know, I mean, I don't give a fuck on what road he's taking now but as for myself, I know I'm on the right track and it's nice to have someone holding my hand along the way, not wanting to let go of me. It's still a long journey to go, but heck, come on life, bring it on.
Labels: alex, love, mac, past, pink crimson
Deader is Better
08-06-2009 Thursday
'Why is it that when a famous people die, they are appreciated more and are given more importance compared to when they're still alive?' Is it just me who notices that? Well, if that's the case then Micheal Jackson probably wished he died sooner.
After getting home this morning, I turned on the TV hoping to watch something other than the tributes to Former President Corazon Aquino but I couldn't find anything else to watch. Sure, the tribute is touching and if you happen to cry over sappy features on tv, then you'll definitely be bawling after a few minutes of watching it. The thing is, these people make me sick. I don't know if it's the effect of media on people or most of them are simply brainwashed by false beliefs.
It's not the fact that they're honoring the former president, don't get me wrong, even though I could hardly remember those years when Cory was the president, I feel that she deserved being given that honor. It's the fact that I want to ask these people,
"Why is it only now that she's dead?' Do they seriously think that Cory will appreciate it now that she's 6-feet below the ground and she's just counting down the days before the worms eat what was left of her corpse?
My point is, they give their honors that she deserved way too late. All the years that she was president, was she ever given this kind of honor or even after she was president, do people remember what she did for the country, well I think maybe yes but compare it to what she's being given now. Isn't ironic that people seemed to remember you more when you're dead?
Another thing that bugs me is the interview they made on random people about Cory Aquino. There's these group of kids who seemed to be around 8 or 9 years old who told the reporter that they admire Cory Aquino because she brought the democracy back blah blah blah. I sat in front of the TV, shaking my head at the plain stupidity of it. How can a 9 year old kid know what democracy really means and how can they idolize Cory when they weren't even born at the time of Cory's term as a president. Did their parents tell them to say those craps because they will be seen on tv? I mean, come on man, look at me, I'm 20 years old but I don't even remember what the country was like when Cory was the president. So if you'll ask me what can I say about her death, I will say yeah it's sad, that's it. I respect her as a former president but that's just about it. I don't say things I know nothing about.
Think about Micheal Jackson too. After he died, suddenly everyone is a fan. I read blogs about him, how they idolize the king of pop and how they were fans since they were kids but before he died, they barely notice him. Take my neighbor here as an example too, at the peak of the news about MJ's death, they played a lot of MJ songs all throughout the day but I've lived here for almost 3 months now and they never played a single MJ song before that. I read the newspaper and saw that MJ's albums are hitting no. 1 again, I checked online and his songs are most played, or most downloaded for 1 week straight.
Please can someone enlighten me? Is this the new trend now? To idolize someone when they're already dead? God, then I should say to those forgotten artists to just die so they can sell their albums again. I should say to former icons of the country to just die so they can be remembered and be given the honor they've worked hard for to earn.
I also noticed that famous online communities like Friendster or Facebook are starting to create fan profiles of MJ or Cory Aquino and more people are becoming a fan just now. People are buying posters, cd's, t-shirts, caps, whatever item they can get their hands on, to show their so-called appreciation to that someone they idolize. Shit, after a while, it's all gonna be forgotten then someone will die again and people will feast on that and the cycle starts over again.
Yeah, this death thing has become a trend as well, I wonder what's next.
Labels: Cory Aquino, death, icon, Micheal Jackson, pink crimson
My Stress Relievers
08-05-2009 Wednesday
Sometimes I would think about how my job sucks and how much it drains me of all sanity I have left inside but when I thought about what I have everytime I would go home from my work, I completely forget all about that damn stressful work.
I was never the type of person who complain a lot when I'm under some shitty situation. I'm a strong believer that shit simply happens and it happens to anyone. Though, there are times when the pressures at work will leave me with no choice but whine. I can't help it Work itself is killing the employees, the management is tightening the leash coiled around our necks, making it harder for us to cope. What the hell do they want from us? They make new rules, the goals are becoming impossible to achieve, and one simple mistake now could mean getting your ass thrown out of that building for good.
The calls I got earlier are motherfuckers, and for the management, there's no valid reason for you to not reach your goal. No matter how stinky your calls are, they expect you to convert sales. Plain bullshit. I was stressed, pressured, and I seriously feel like giving up but the thing is, I can't. I need this job. My family counts on me. I can't quit just like that.
These are the thoughts I was thinking earlier as I rode the jeepney on my way home. I was observing the people I was riding the jeepney with. Most of them just started their day, on their way to the flea market, or on their way to school. Some, (the three girls wearing skimpy clothes and thick make-ups) probably just spent the evening at a rave party or maybe they just got off from working at a night club, Me? I was pissed from work, tired and wanting to get some sleep.
I was still fuming as I walked the street to our house but all of that was erased when I caught a glimpse of my gramma as she takes Damien out for a walk. The sight of the two of them made me realize that I have a wonderful home waiting for me after a hard day,err, night at work. I have a small, broken family but the love of my gramma, my mom and my adoring pets made me not want to ask for more. I ran towards them, smiling as my gramma greeted me and told me that a delicious breakfast is on the table already, and Damien jumped excitedly at me and licked my face, as if I was gone for an entire week.
My cats; Lena, Shelby and Natalie.
Damien.
My grandma.
My mom.
Meet my stress relievers, folks.
Labels: Damien, pink crimson, stress, work
Sleepless..again
08-04-2009 Tuesday
I never had much trouble trying to get some sleep before when it's my day off but I think the sudden change of our schedule messed up with my already ruined body clock. From an 11 hour by 4 days schedule, we recently switched to a 9 hour by 5 days and from 11pm-10am, our shift is now 7:30pm-4:30am. Yeah, I know that sounds better since we get off early in the morning but that change can drastically affect your body system since we got used to working till it's almost noontime, and by around 5 in the afternoon, I'm still sleeping like a baby but now, I have to leave as early as that because the damn traffic makes my used-to-be 1 and a half hour ride, to a full 2 hours ride to work.
Traffic is another thing I have to endure. It's rush hour, people are going home from work, students are everywhere in the streets, slowing down the flow of traffic. I already have my license but there's still some stuff that needs to be fixed on my motorcycle which is something Alex is already taking care of so I can't use it until it's in a completely perfect state of being.
Which reminds me of Alex. I think he's part of the reason why I found it hard to sleep last night. Part of me is expecting him to come late at night and beg me not to leave him, just like what he did before. Well, he didn't. Either he's too tired from work, or he's saving it up for today. He said he'll come today to bring my motorcycle here and I learned not to believe until he's here, in the flesh.
Somehow, I feel guilty for saying a lot things I shouldn't have, maybe I'm just too pissed yesterday, maybe I'm tired of him saying things he wasn't able to fulfill, maybe I expect too much. I love him, I cried last night when I thought about what I'll be like if he's gone. I thought about how hard it's gonna be to move on. I thought about how much I owe him for saving me from a heartache before when someone I used to love left me. He was there, he caught me, he kept me whole when I'm about to break into a million pieces. I think that's more than enough reason for me to stay with him. What was I thinking, trying to break up with him? To end something that isn't perfect but still..it's real and beautiful?
I was up until around 3 in the morning earlier thinking a lot of things. My body is telling me to get some sleep but my mind kept on running, not wanting to obey. So now, I'm sleepless again and I have to go to work later. I gotta go buy a couple of instant coffee to bring with me, just to help me make it through.
Sleepless. High on Caffeine. Impulsive brat. Yep, that's me.
Labels: alex, brat, pink crimson, shift, work
When Expectations Fail
08-03-2009 Monday
I knew it. I just knew....When Alex left the house earlier, I had a feeling that he wouldn't be back even though he said he will. We just had a great time last night when we went out and we arrived at the house at around 4:30 in the morning. He said he had to go home first to take a bath and change clothes then he'll come back so we can hang-out.
Now, it's 6:26pm on my desktop clock, I texted him, after sending him a load so he could reply. Guess what, he said they went out, he couldn't text me, he'll just come tomorrow. Wow, I knew it. The irritating thing is, I know he has the money, there's a loading station near his place, how come, in spite of all that, he still couldn't text me just to tell me he couldn't come instead of making me wait all day for him to come back?
I am pissed. Very pissed. I still haven't recovered from the lies I found out two weeks ago, and when he said he'll always be honest from then on I fucking believed him. Now look what he's done again. I ain't mad at the fact that he happened to have a fucking errand today, I mean, things like that happen right? What I'm fuming about is the fact that he wasn't able to inform me earlier that he couldn't live up to his words again. I had to wait all day, I had to run to my neighbor to load up my cellphone and I had to send him some load just to find out if he's okay, if he's still alive. Well, yeah, there it is, he's alive and well. He just couldn't drag his ass to make an effort to text me earlier. I had to wait the whole fucking day.
I replied a long message of how tired I am with that behavior he has. I told him I want to break up for real. I told him I'll pay whatever I owe him for fixing my motorcycle, thanked him for his time and I just want him to leave me alone from now on. I appreciated everything he has done for me. I know he loves me, I feel that but how can you love a person back if that person failed you?
Is it me? Am I expecting too much? Is it too much to ask him to tell me what exactly is going on with him? I hate it when I have to wait for him. I just feel like I don't deserve this.
He's mad when he replied but right now, I really don't care. I know he wouldn't let me break up with him just like that but I have to be alone for awhile. Just by myself..like before.
Labels: alex, love, pink crimson
What An American Wants
08-01-2009 Saturday
Since this is the beginning of a new month, dear God time really flies faster and I barely notice, I decided to start it off with a post in regards to the people I usually talk to over the phone; Americans. I'm not the type who discriminates, moreover, I ain't no racist but the intention behind this post is to enumerate some facts about those Americans we talk to and also, I'm hoping that it'll make us proud of what we are, because to tell you all the truth, those foreigners may look richer than us , more educated than us but folks, believe me, they are merely average people who, most of the time, talk twice as much as they listen.
*Americans are not techno junkies. Sure, they're abundant with technologies like cellphones, computers, digital cameras etc. but most of them don't even know how to get the most out of those stuff. If those stuff start to act weird, they call some technical support for help then it'll turn out that all they need is to know where the power switch is located and know when to turn it off or on.
*They don't have all the time in the world to read some manuals or user guides so don't be surprised if they don't know how to lock the keypad on their cellphone. That's why almost 90% of Americans prefer flip phones so they wouldn't need to worry about accidentally pushing a button on their phone.
*They could be childish and envious of others. Most of the people I talk to over the phone always say things like, "Why can't I get this phone for free? My brother got it for free and he's with the same company blah blah blah..."
*They think that being a long time customers on a certain carrier mean that they can have whatever is it they wanted, be it a free PDA smartphone, free minutes, stuff like that and if can't give it to them, they threaten to cancel the service. Childish isn't it? Why can't they understand the simple fact that if we say we can't do it, we really can't do it. We represent their wireless carriers, we're don't represent God.
*In addition to that, when they threaten to cancel service, they tell us, we'll just go to another carrier and I always bite my tongue to keep me from blurting out "Go ahead bitch, switch providers, that's so fucking childish". One time, a customer even told me that he'll tell all his friends and relatives who uses the same service to cancel as well just because he can't get what he wanted which is next to impossible. Compare that to what we are here in our own country. Did we ever demand to Globe that we deserve to get the free IPhone? Of course not, Jesus.
*They usually call us for three reasons; buy a cellphone, whine/complain/rant like a goddamn kid, or ask a very stupid question.
*When they know what they wanted, and they can pay for it, they call and tell us right off the bat. When they know what they wanted but couldn't afford it, they whine, they complain telling us they are long time customers, we need to give them more discounts blah blah blah. Very few customers will tell us that they can't afford it, most of them will just argue with you like it's your fault that they don't have the money to pay for it, and all you can do is grab your hair in frustration.
*We encounter racists even over the phone. We answer their call and they're like, "I want to speak to an American agent". Sometimes, I hang up on them, that's just irritating. Does the race, color and accent determine the person's capability to help you out with your concern? I don't think so.
*They value their time. They don't want to be on the phone that long so when you talk to them, don't give them the run around, just say it.
*They talk a lot. Let them talk as much as they want.
Americans have positive sides of course. I get to talk to some Americans who are jolly and very polite over the phone and it's a good thing. It can lessen the pressure of my job and somehow lessens the weariness.
I manage to learn things in my job. I learned the differences we have with other race when it comes to culture, behavior, things like that. Before having this job, I used to wish that I was born foreign, you know, blue eyes, blond hair but now, as I deal with dozens of Americans on my 9 hour shift in 5 days, I get to know them more so now, I can say that I'm proud of what I am now. A Filipino. Our country is beautiful, we Filipinos are smart, we don't discriminate other race, damn we know a lot about technology, what more could I ask for?
Labels: americans, pink crimson, wireless carrier, work
