Dawning of A New Month

09-01-2009 Tuesday

It's -ber month again. It's the time of the year when most people begin doing the Christmas countdown, malls begin opening grand sales, and everyone seemed to have this foolish grin on their faces, as if they are all looking forward for the holiday seasons in spite of not having enough money to even make it throughout the year. Yep, it's almost that jolly time of the year again, I can almost hear bells jingling or is it just the screws loose inside my head?

Anyway, this should be the time of the year when I should be all giddy and join the holiday mayhem, not because I celebrate Christmas (hell, we don't have Christmas, by the way), it's simply because, it's not too bad to feel as jolly as the next guy standing next to you in a crowded mall, who takes pleasure from window shopping all the items on sale. After all, window shopping costs nothing and maybe, he's just as broke as you but his spirit keeps him high, happy and satisfied. Yeah, simple joy of life, right? It makes me wonder, if that same guy who enjoys the simple pleasures of life like I do has a family to worry about? I think he does, yes. And I wonder if he has a mother he hates so bad, he even dread the thought of coming home to? That, I don't think he does. The stupid smile on his face doesn't show that he has dealt with a mother like that.

It leaves me to be alone in this boat of misery just in time for the happiest months of the year. Aside from that one huge bummer, I'm pretty happy and contented anyway. I've never been the type of person who cries over the most shallow shit that life always throw in my face. I don't also complain. I let things happen, I do what I want to do, I believe in living life to the fullest and I've had all my share of laughter, tears, misfortunes..and so fucking on. My life has always been an open book to people close to me, though nowadays, I prefer to keep my life private.

So what do I do now? My mother is still here, being the lazyass bitch she has become, my gramma is still considering to work again, and me? I'm tired as hell to go to work but I have no choice but to drag my feet to Quezon City and work my ass off. Work is a bitch these days. The management continues to suck money that should've been in our payslips and I seriously feel like something needs to be done.

As of writing this entry, I still couldn't come up with something to do to stay away from my mother. Getting married is not on the list, by the way. Living on my own sounds good but it'll cost me an arm and a leg for sure. Staying on the boarding house again is also not an option right now since I'm still mad at Alex and he hasn't made any effort to apologize or communicate with me. That's fine with me, I want him to miss me so damn much, maybe then he'll realize how incomplete he is without me. That's what he usually says so he might as well prove it. With this things in my head, plus the fact that we're so broke we can't even afford a decent meal (cheese spread on rice again, for me..), I don't even know how I can keep my head clear.

Last night, I made a grave decision by myself. I sent a message thru Facebook to my dad, asking for a little help. I know he's somehow mad at me for not studying again this year and ever since I graduated high school, I have never asked him for any financial help. We're not on father-daughter terms for many years now, we're just two casual person who happens to be related by blood. It was very awkward for me to come up to him like that but I have to swallow every pride I have left and asked him for help. His reply is emotionless telling me that he doesn't care about what I do now and that he'll send me the money on payday. I know that for him, I looked like I only tried to communicate because I needed the money, but I ignored that too. I swallowed every bit of dignity I've kept to myself for many years now. I have no choice. No matter how many times I deny that the man is my father, I can never change that fact, and besides, he has a responsibility to send me child support money, something that he has stopped doing a long time ago.

Happiest time of the year isn't it? Come out and be happy. Let me also do my own countdown: it's now, 10 days to go before my birthday so if you wanna give me a present, better wrap it now. :)

Oooohhh lastly, lemme end this post with a good news:



ARCH ENEMY will perform here! October 20, 2009..

Hooraaaah!!!

Labels: ARCH ENEMY, birthday, live, mother, pink crimson

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 7:29 PM