Tired Of it All

08-30-2009 Sunday

There are things I should've known, or should've guessed that's gonna come but with the state of mind I'm currently in mixed with the lack of premonition from those people involved, I am left unable to make any move before I could even grasp the things that are happening fast.

Everything was fine earlier this morning, there's no trace of what's to come and Alex gave me the assurance like he always did. Alex don't have work today so I am comforted with the thought that he'll be there when I wake up later in the afternoon and I can go home after getting some sleep.

Being clueless of what's gonna come can take you by surprise and at the same time, make you look so stupid and that's exactly what happened to me today. I was only asleep for less than two hours when the sound of shitty mainstream dance music blasting throughout the boarding house woke me up. The crowded boarding house sounded twice as noisy as it usually does, with everyone talking, laughing and walking here and there. I overheard Alex's voice talking among them, even laughing and everyone sounded so excited about something I can't figure out but I can feel being entirely out of place. I pretended to still be asleep when Alex entered the room, I heard the other guy from the opposite bed where I lie, asked him, "Lex, ilan ba kasya sa owner? Pwede kaya kami sumama?". I strained to hear his answer but the shitty music blocked my ears. I don't need to hear his answer though, my guts told me that they have some place to go today, and he lied when he told me he isn't going anywhere. Of course, he's gonna come with them, cause he'll be the one to drive that fucking owner.

I waited for him to wake me up, to tell me that he's gonna go somewhere, to ask me if I wanted to come, but when I opened my eyes, I saw himbusy fixing the clothes in his cabinet. He saw me staring at him, no not just staring at him, scowling at him. I was waiting for him to say something. He said nothing. I forced myself to get up in spite of feeling dizzy from lack of sleep, and demanded an explanation from him. He said he didn't know they will be going some place far, he thought it's just somewhere near. Some place far? I don't even wanna hear about it. HE sounded so happy when I overheard them talking and that's enough for me to feel how unimportant I am to him.

If I wasn't awaken by their voices, I wouldn't have any idea where they've gone when I happen to wake up in the afternoon and I will feel like a total idiot because I am clueless of the whereabouts of my boyfriend. Great, that's just great. I said I'm gonna go home now, and he insisted that I can wait for them so he can take me home. 'No thanks. sweetie, I know that when those people go some place far, it'll take you forever before you return and besides, you seemed to be happy without me, so just enjoy being with them.' after saying that, I cried. I've never felt so out of place.

He tried to calm me down and he said I can join them. Join them huh? Squeeze inside that damn owner and celebrate my lack of sleep? Fuck them. Fuck them all. I will go home, and maybe try to find another place to stay for next week. I am thankful to them for letting me stay and I'm sorry for crying, acting immature or whatever they might wanna call it. I just don't want to be the last to know if my boyfriend has places to go without me. That's plain bullshitting me. Add the fact that he lied about not going anywhere today, I read the message on his cellphone and obviously, they told him yesterday that they need him to drive for them today.

I was still crying when he left me. He stuffed the keys of my motorcycle in my clenched fists and tried to kiss me goodbye. I turned away from him and continued to cry. I listened as the owner sped away and a few minutes after they've gone, I'm still crying. I shed the last tears from my eyes and started packing my used and unused clothes inside my small bag. I'm going home. Enough of all this. I know I'll feel pissed when I go home only to find my mom still jobless, useless and simply a pain in our ass but I can't stay in this place that's deafening with silence, completely devoid of human presence.

The motorcycle is just newly fixed and I had a hard time trying to start it so I have no choice but commute. I hopped on the bus and on my way home, I can't help but cry some more. I looked out the window and covered my eyes with my hanky. I really wanna break up with Alex, for now. I want him to realize how much he needs me, that is, if he really does. I want him stop lying even though I know some of his lies are for my own sake. Lies are lies, no matter what intentions you may have.

I'm tired of working, I'm tired of going home to a useless mother, I'm tired of being the one to worry about my family's welfare, I'm tired of the responsibility. I have seriously considered robbing a bank, being a thug or part of a mafia and earn money by killing rich people who doesn't deserve to live anymore. I'm sick, tired and I'm just standing on the edge of a cliff, ready to dive when the earth give in from underneath me. I think with all these thoughts inside my head, having a boyfriend who can't completely be honest with me, is the last thing I need.

Labels: alex, mafia, mother, pink crimson, work

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 6:14 PM