Happy Birthday Love Love
07-24-2010 Saturday
Gramma's spaghetti is still the best among others, and since I suck at cooking, I asked her to cook me a spaghetti for Alex's birthday today, to which she gladly did. I went home yesterday, and asked my gramma to join me buy some stuff that I'm gonna need this August, and to also buy ingredients for her special spaghetti. I wanted to spend more time with gramma whenever I can. It's my way of showing her that I miss having her around.
When I woke up in the morning, the smell of the spaghetti sauce drifted in the air. I inhaled the heavenly aroma, stretched and got up. I got dressed and attended the early morning worship service.
After the worship service, the spaghetti was well prepared. My gramma helped me pack the food, and the stuff we bought yesterday. I wasn't so happy walking around carrying a bunch of stuff with me but I consoled myself with thinking that Alex will be happy to have some spaghetti for his birthday. Even though I haven't picked out a gift for him yet, I hoped that the spaghetti would cheer him up. I know he's been down lately for not having a job yet, but I'm not rubbing it to his face or anything, I've learned to be more patient with that.
I arrived in Blumentritt a few minutes before 10 in the morning. I fumbled for my key, which is slightly hard to do when I'm trying to balance all the stuff I have in my hands. When I finally got it out, I slipped it into the doorknob, and pushed the door open.
For a change, the room wasn't in a total wreck. The dishes have been washed, dried and stacked up neatly. There's no stain on the floor, matter of fact, it looked like it has been sweeped clean to the point that there's not even a hint of dust on it. I smiled, finally I was able to go home on a clean room, instead of a wrecked one.
Alex was still asleep, lying face down on the bed. I set aside the stuff I was holding and knelt on the floor to gently wake him up. He opened his eyes, focused his gaze on me, as if making sure that he's no longer dreaming.
I touched his face gently and kissed him on the cheek, "Good morning love love, Happy birthday.."
He stretched out his arms to hug me, "Thank you."
"You're 26 today. That makes you officially 5 years older!" I teased. "Get up and let's eat the spaghetti."
He hugged me once more before getting up.
We shared a nice breakfast of spaghetti that my gramma cooked. I watched him eat happily. I told him that I haven't come up with a present yet so he can just let me know what he would want.
His fork hung in midair, "A tire for my mio would be nice" he said, smiling.
I rolled my eyes at him, "Hah! You wish!"
We have nothing planned for his birthday so we just stayed at home, to eat, watch TV, and enjoy the time we have together. He didn't ask for anything , he said that the food I brought him is enough and besides, he doesn't want me to spend more than what I could afford. I know he's shy to ask since he's still jobless.
We watched a couple of DVD's and both of us fell asleep halfway through the 3rd movie. It was almost 7 in the evening when he woke me up, and he reminded me that we have to go to the doctor for my regular check-up. Ok, here we go again.
After the check-up, we went back home and ate some more spaghetti. Man, I'm so full of spaghetti today. Then, we stayed outside to hang-out with thy neighbors. They sang an out of tune version of Happy Birthday and asked him if he's gonna buy some drinks tonight. He admitted he doesn't have the money, well, they knew he recently lose his job so they come up with their own money to buy beer.
Now instead of killing myself with jealousy over not being able to drink unlike before, I decided to let the guys be guys and drink 'till they get wasted. I went back to our room, turned the TV on, and tuned it to HBO. I can hear them talking and laughing loudly outside. He's with his boys, he was able to drink on his special day, he sounded happy, so yeah that's good enough for me.
I just turned the TV off when Alex entered the room. The strong smell of beer and smoke drifted and I wrinkled my nose. He lie down in bed beside me, I wrinkled my nose even more, "Gee, take a bath, brush your teeth, wash your face please. You smell awful"
He laughed, "I will." He hugged me tightly. "Love," he called seriously.
"Hmmm?" I was holding my breath.
"Thank you so much for this day."
"Are you happy?" I asked.
"Very..." he said, snuggling closer. "Because you're here for my birthday..."
"Really?"
"Really..." he tried to kiss me.
I turned away "Argh! Go take a bath!".
He stood up laughing. He grabbed the towel off the rack, fished out a cigarette stick from his pocket, put it in between his lips and went to the bathroom. That's his ritual before taking a bath-- taking a dump while smoking a damn cigarette. I wonder why I never did that before.
His birthday turned out good. And I'm happy that he's happy. Love love, HAPPY BIRTHDAY. i LOVE YOU LOTS xoxo..
Labels: alex, birthday, celebrate, cook, gramma, love, pink crimson, spaghetti
Setting Expectations
07-22-2010 Thursday
This is getting boring, I know.. Shall I go on?
See the thing is, I want to talk about different stuff, believe me. I could talk about the weather today, the calls I'm getting at work, the hot new billboard of Miss Famous someone in Edsa or whatever but it wouldn't make any sense because it doesn't concern my status in life. I created this blog to reflect my life, to rant, rave, say anything I wanna say or simply share what I feel like sharing and I'm sorry if the things I'm sharing seems to go on and on without any formal closures so I wouldn't be surprised if most of you don't have a better understanding of what's going on. Maybe it's also because of the things I'm holding back, the things I prefer to keep private. Again, I apologize.
When I look back on my previous posts, I see similarities, redundancy...it's all about this
*situation which is vague in every post, it's about Alex and me, it's about me debating against myself, my hate for my mom... These things are getting old. It's like a hot discussion before but now, it's getting kinda lame.
The weird thing is, no matter how lame it is, I continue talking about it. Am I confusing you already? Hold on, 'cause it gets worse... This topic is like a useless drug that I kept on overdosing myself with.
I might be asking the same questions over and over. I may sound like I'm going in circles with this. Well, to tell y'all honestly, tis' the truth, nothing else but the goddamn truth.
Now that I've set proper expectations, lemme go back to my boring topic, which is always about the same thing... Ready? Take a deep breath..and here we go:
'I'm sorry I couldn't make it home early.. I've been out all day, trying to find something that'll help me earn money. I don't want it like this, I don't wanna ask things from you. I know most of the time, you also don't have enough for yourself. Besides, we both need the money. Love, mahal na mahal po kita...' the long text message from Alex lowered down my blood pressure.
Before going to work, I was mad at him for not coming home early even though he promised he'll be back in time to drive me to church. I decided not to text him or say anything bad to him. I'll just do my thing here at work, then go home to my gramma tomorrow with no intentions of telling him about it.
But, that text. One long message from him woke me up and suddenly, I'm not mad at all. I never thought he actually thinks that way now. That's my dear old Alex. The one I fell in love with 1 year and 3 months ago. I barely recognized him. I think I've gotten used to the heartless Alex that he has become.
I replied with,
'That's fine, I'm not mad. I appreciate your effort. Thank you, love. Have you eaten dinner? Sleep early ok? I'll come home to gramma tomorrow but I'll be back the day after so we can celebrate your birthday...''Yep. Thank you din po love sayo..' I read his reply once. Then, read it again. What's he thanking me for? It doesn't sound like he's thanking me for understanding his situation neither does it sound like he's thanking me for the new bath soap I bought for us earlier today. So, really, what is that about?
I ignored it and just replied with
'Ok, I love you, good night.' but even after a few minutes of putting my cellphone back in my pocket, I'm still thinking what he really meant to say.
I wanna believe that he's changing back to the Alex I've known before but I don't want to keep my hopes up. If he's not gonna consider my religion, then, there's no hope of us ending up together for good no matter how perfect things seem to be right now, which is a complete disappointment.
After his birthday, I need to have the serious talk with him. It can no longer wait. We need to figure out things before everything gets more complicated than what I can handle.
Labels: alex, birthday, blogging, long post, pink crimson, relationships, topic
This is How MUCH I HATE you
10-07-2009 Wednesday
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BITCH. I SURE HOPE IT'S YOUR LAST.Go guess who this post is for. Nope. Guess again.. Nope.. Guess
again.. Ahh fuck off. Blahblah, bitch.

Labels: birthday, BITCH. mother, BITCH. pink crimson, daughter
21 means LIFE
09-11-2009 Friday

Everytime I celebrate another year of my dramatic life, I would look back at the previous birthdays I've had and I can't help but think about how much has changed since then. It seemed like it was only yesterday when I was a kid, then a teen, now, as I approach the age of 21, I know more people would expect me to act more mature as a young adult.
To be honest, age is just a mere number to me. Aside from having a Peter Pan syndrome which is something that relates to me refusing to grow up, maybe deep down, I am thinking that I'm also afraid to grow up because of more responsibility, more expectations from other people. It is a scary thought, or maybe I'm not yet that mature when it comes to things that requires me to be more grown up.
This day, as I age another year, I am thankful to still be here. Scared, yes. Having difficulty to get by, yes. But still thankful. I consider myself lucky, I may not have everything I wanted but I am happy with what I have for now. I hate my mother but I have a dear gramma who loves me more than anything else. I have Alex. I have a couple of friends who visited and celebrated with me, to make me feel special this day. For all those, I'm thankful.
My friends from Alponsky are the first visitors of the day, they arrived at exactly time for lunch and I'm used to these guys, being always hungry for delicious food. My gramma prepared all the food and they feast on every pasta and bread. They shared stories, jokes, riddles and stuff that made me laugh and again, I'm happy to have them all to back me up whenever times get tough. My dear brothers who has always been there.
Alex arrived shortly after lunch and I introduced him to them. He is used to me having a lot of guy friends so I am glad that he's happy to meet all my friends in spite of them being all guys. They left at around 3pm and I was left with Alex. We ate a late lunch and went to SM to buy a cake for myself. I suddenly crave for something sweet so I had to buy something. Besides, it's my birthday!
By evening, Vanessa, my best friend also dropped by. We ate dinner together with Alex, had a little chat and she went home. The last visitors that evening are Meng and Angie who are two good friends whom I haven't seen in awhile. I can say that what made me happy the most is that I had the chance to introduce Alex to all the special friends I have.
Alex is the one who stayed till almost midnight to help me with all the dishes to wash since my mother has went off to watch that damn TV again and I let my gramma sleep early. After washing the dishes, Alex and I talked about going to his hometown in Cavite for a few days to retreat from all the stress. He agreed, said we can leave tomorrow which is fine with me.
When he left a few minutes after 12, I packed my clothes before going to bed. I wanted to be anywhere but here. Happy birthday to me, lalalalalala..
Labels: 21, alex, alponsky, birthday, pink crimson, sept 11
Dawning of A New Month
09-01-2009 Tuesday
It's -ber month again. It's the time of the year when most people begin doing the Christmas countdown, malls begin opening grand sales, and everyone seemed to have this foolish grin on their faces, as if they are all looking forward for the holiday seasons in spite of not having enough money to even make it throughout the year. Yep, it's almost that jolly time of the year again, I can almost hear bells jingling or is it just the screws loose inside my head?
Anyway, this should be the time of the year when I should be all giddy and join the holiday mayhem, not because I celebrate Christmas (hell, we don't have Christmas, by the way), it's simply because, it's not too bad to feel as jolly as the next guy standing next to you in a crowded mall, who takes pleasure from window shopping all the items on sale. After all, window shopping costs nothing and maybe, he's just as broke as you but his spirit keeps him high, happy and satisfied. Yeah, simple joy of life, right? It makes me wonder, if that same guy who enjoys the simple pleasures of life like I do has a family to worry about? I think he does, yes. And I wonder if he has a mother he hates so bad, he even dread the thought of coming home to? That, I don't think he does. The stupid smile on his face doesn't show that he has dealt with a mother like that.
It leaves me to be alone in this boat of misery just in time for the happiest months of the year. Aside from that one huge bummer, I'm pretty happy and contented anyway. I've never been the type of person who cries over the most shallow shit that life always throw in my face. I don't also complain. I let things happen, I do what I want to do, I believe in living life to the fullest and I've had all my share of laughter, tears, misfortunes..and so fucking on. My life has always been an open book to people close to me, though nowadays, I prefer to keep my life private.
So what do I do now? My mother is still here, being the lazyass bitch she has become, my gramma is still considering to work again, and me? I'm tired as hell to go to work but I have no choice but to drag my feet to Quezon City and work my ass off. Work is a bitch these days. The management continues to suck money that should've been in our payslips and I seriously feel like something needs to be done.
As of writing this entry, I still couldn't come up with something to do to stay away from my mother. Getting married is not on the list, by the way. Living on my own sounds good but it'll cost me an arm and a leg for sure. Staying on the boarding house again is also not an option right now since I'm still mad at Alex and he hasn't made any effort to apologize or communicate with me. That's fine with me, I want him to miss me so damn much, maybe then he'll realize how incomplete he is without me. That's what he usually says so he might as well prove it. With this things in my head, plus the fact that we're so broke we can't even afford a decent meal (cheese spread on rice again, for me..), I don't even know how I can keep my head clear.
Last night, I made a grave decision by myself. I sent a message thru Facebook to my dad, asking for a little help. I know he's somehow mad at me for not studying again this year and ever since I graduated high school, I have never asked him for any financial help. We're not on father-daughter terms for many years now, we're just two casual person who happens to be related by blood. It was very awkward for me to come up to him like that but I have to swallow every pride I have left and asked him for help. His reply is emotionless telling me that he doesn't care about what I do now and that he'll send me the money on payday. I know that for him, I looked like I only tried to communicate because I needed the money, but I ignored that too. I swallowed every bit of dignity I've kept to myself for many years now. I have no choice. No matter how many times I deny that the man is my father, I can never change that fact, and besides, he has a responsibility to send me child support money, something that he has stopped doing a long time ago.
Happiest time of the year isn't it? Come out and be happy. Let me also do my own countdown: it's now, 10 days to go before my birthday so if you wanna give me a present, better wrap it now. :)
Oooohhh lastly, lemme end this post with a good news:
ARCH ENEMY will perform here! October 20, 2009..Hooraaaah!!!
Labels: ARCH ENEMY, birthday, live, mother, pink crimson