The Used To Be
08-07-2009 Friday
Since my motorcycle still has some fixing that needs to be done, I did my usual routine of commuting on a passenger jeep which is fine, it's just that I have to leave earlier than I used to so that when traffic kicks in, I wouldn't worry about being late again.
I left at around 5:15 in the afternoon, made my way to the side of the street and waited for a jeepney. I was busy checking my cellphone for any messages that's why I didn't notice a jeepney honking in front of me. I looked up and saw a familiar jeepney, the mirror was reflecting the view of the streetside so I had to squint my eyes to see the guys waving at me from the driver's seat. I knew why the jeepney looked familiar. This is the damn jeepney where I used to hop in for a backride so I can be with Mac. The jeepney that holds way too many memories.
I was suddenly reluctant, thinking that Mac might be with them and even though I know I can face him again, it would still be too damn awkward. Luckily, he wasn't there. I saw Kuya Blay, the driver, his younger brother Buboy, and a guy I haven't seen before. They were pointing at me with one hand while the other waves endlessly, like a lucky display cat on some stores.
Suppresing a smile, I hopped in, sat nearest at their backs and the usual 'hows it going, it has been a long time' chat began. I was happy to see them again and I can see that it's the same thing for them. One thing I was happy about is that even though Mac and I were no longer together, they still treat me as their friend. Up until now, I still feel that the friends of Mac has been more real to me than he ever did. I am glad to have met his friends and to be honest, I don't even remember him when I'm with them.
But...You wanna know what made me remember him somehow? The jeepney itself. The tattered front seat, the rusty edges of the sidemirror, the small bin just below the gauge where Mac used to keep a baby powder for instant retouch. Yeah, I think goodlooking guys are meant to be vain. I looked around the inside of the jeepney. Nothing has changed since the last time I rode here which seemed like decades ago yet at the same time, it seemed like it was only yesterday. I had a sudden vision of what I used to be, so into Mac, so eager to join them on their trips to and from SM, and how I would rest my head on his shoulders throughout the ride, and how he would buy me something to eat and how I would feel complete just by being with him, on this damn jeepney. Sheesh, I'm getting melancholic again but it has nothing to do with Mac, it's just..well, being a little nostalgic.
I was also thinking, what if Mac had been here with them today? Will I be able to make casual conversations with him without feeling any awkwardness? Like I mentioned, I'm ready to face him again, he sent me a message in Friendster and I was able to tell him everything in my reply and we ended what we've had on good terms. Still, seeing him again, that's a different story. A lot has happened, the pain, the denial, the world that almost crashed down on me, and the lies I found out. How in the world can I face that lying bastard again?
Buboy made me snap back to the present when he borrowed my MP4 so we can play music. Yet, when the songs on my MP4 blasted inside the jeep, I can't help but remember him again. These were the same exact songs they used to play over and over. I'm guilty for downloading those songs, whenever I would listen to it on my own, these songs has no effect on me but when it's being played here on the jeepney where we used to hang-out, where most of my fun memories with him are buried alive, it's making me go nostalgic again.
It's not that I still have feelings for him, come on, I love my sweet alex dearly, for me, it's like I was amazed at how time flies that I can hardly believe how many things have changed since then and how many things have stayed the same, like his friends' warmth towards me. For all those things either negative or positive, I'll always be thankful. Those are the things that made me who I am today, helped me grow up as a person, and most importantly helped me learn from those mistakes.
No regrets. This is just pure nostalgia, my friends. Mac and I walk on separate ways now, I don't know, I mean, I don't give a fuck on what road he's taking now but as for myself, I know I'm on the right track and it's nice to have someone holding my hand along the way, not wanting to let go of me. It's still a long journey to go, but heck, come on life, bring it on.
Labels: alex, love, mac, past, pink crimson
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