Thursday is the Day!
08-27-2009 Thursday
I woke up at around 9 this morning, feeling quite good. This will be the day that I go back to work and when I get off from work tomorrow morning, I'm gonna head straight to Alex's.
I went to the kitchen and my gramma told me that she plans to go to a friend of hers later today to ask around if someone might need a cook or something. I know this is gonna come. She's starting to look for a job again. I told her no, you don't have to work anymore, I'll find a way. I slumped at a chair beside my mom, who eats quietly. I doubt she's even concern that my gramma is trying to look for a job again while she continues to be useless to us.
I thought of my plan to not go home and that keeps me from being mad again. Not today, I said to myself, just bare with it for one more day. I quietly stuffed some clothes in my bag yesterday while they're busy, so they don't have any idea. I plan to tell my gramma later anyway before I leave. She knows whenever I runaway from home, and she also knows the reason behind it. We had an understanding that goes deeper beyond just being grandma and granddaughter. I'm gonna miss her but she'll be fine, I know she trusts Alex and Alex will take care of me anyway. Besides, I plan to go home this Sunday. Alex has a job and I can't stay at that house alone.
I don't really care if most of you will consider that running away is similar to being a coward, but I've always cared less of what others think of me, I know myself better than anyone and whatever it is that lies ahead, I've learned to deal with it in my own way, without any reluctance and regrets.
Labels: alex, gramma, granddaughter, mother, runaway, thursday
One Way Out
08-25-2009 Tuesday
It's Tuesday now, I'm losing hope that my mom will go back to her job anytime soon. No message from my aunt, no signs of my mom trying to look for another job, which doesn't surprise me, she'd rather be a homebody again and let us die from starving.
I'm also starting to worry, if this goes on, what's gonna happen to us now? I'm not earning enough to cover all our needs especially now that the rent to our new hole is more expensive than the former house were we got kicked out. I'm worrying about our finances while my beloved mother worries about what's gonna happen to the TV series she's dying to watch every afternoon. I've been the breadwinner of the family for quite sometime now and these are the times when I wanna give up again. I want to elope with Alex, find some place else to live, forget all about my responsibilities and have just my own self to feed everyday.
But of course, I can't just do that. No matter how bad I am as a daughter, I can never leave my gramma behind. I don't really give a damn about my lazy mom, I simply care about my gramma. She's old and I don't want her to work anymore. If I leave them, I'm sure that my gramma will work again to be able to feed themselves. I don't want that. I have to stay with them and be responsible enough to continue being there for what's left of my family.
The only thing I can do now to avoid being pissed with my mom, is to not go home often. I'm still on leave today, I'll go back to work this Thursday and I already talked to Alex that I'm gonna stay to the boarding house again once I go back to work just to sleep during the day, since I go to work at night, he said that wouldn't be a problem. I also added that I won't rely on them for my meal so they don't need to worry about me. I just need a place where I can sleep and take a bath.
Tonight, I almost went to bed when a knock interrupted. Alex came to pick me up so I can stay with him for the night. I thought he's not gonna come and I am glad he did. We had dinner, I showered quickly and we left. My mom is busy watching TV again, so I called out to her that we're gonna go to a gig. She doesn't really give a damn anyway, she'd rather deal with those stupid drama series at night.
Sometimes, I wish she'll just drop dead, god, what's the difference anyway? She's more dead to me than alive.
Labels: alex, daughter, mother, pink crimson, runaway
Back Home
08-23-2009 Sunday
This whole running away thing might sound funny to most of you but I can't blame anyone for laughing at this crazy stance of mine. 3 days? So much for running away right?
Well, this is just the beginning of it, I can sense that with the way things are at home when I came earlier this morning. My mother is, surprise, still there, and, another surprise, still doing nothing but play with my gameboy SP while my gramma dear prepares lunch. Now, where in the world can you find a good mother who plays a fucking gameboy rather than do house chores? Am I the only one who thinks that mothers are made to take care of the household chores or if not, mothers are supposed to work? What the hell is wrong?!
With my mom still in the house, it's still not a good sign. It's more than 2 weeks now and this is the way it has been before. Her boss, which is also my aunt, will ask her to go home for awhile then, she'll just tell her when to come back but she never did. She was sent on vacation till eventually, she was never asked to be back for the job. It's not her fault, I totally understand her for that and I hate my aunt for that. Like I said, I don't have any problem with her being physically at home, my problem is that she never does ANYTHING. ANY HOUSE CHORES. NONE, NOTHING. All she does at home is sleep, I wonder how can she still manage to open her eyes from sleeping too much, I just wanted her to be a mother to me, that's all.
I know that I haven't shared my rebel years yet and don't get your hopes up because I don't plan on exposing any of it, those are just skeletons tucked inside my closet for a good reason. So with those past behind me, I know it's easy for other people to say that all I have to do is talk to her about it, open up a nice conversation, and share our thoughts with each other, oh crap, I've done ALL of that, and none of it worked. Sure, she listened before, she seemed to change for awhile but look at her now, she's back to being the lazy ass homebody. Fuck, I don't need a mother like that. Shit, how I missed the peaceful home I used to have with just me, Damien, my cats and my gramma.
After eating lunch, I slept before I could think of leaving again. It's a hot afternoon and I don't want to be pissed so bad that I wanna leave again after coming home barely an hour earlier. I was so tired and sleepy from my long lonely days that's why I drifted off immediately. Off to wonderland. I'll worry about where I'll go next week when I wake up and when my energy is replenished.
Too...tired...to..talk...now...Zzzzzzzzzz
Labels: Damien, daughter, home, mother, pink crimson, runaway
The Lonely Days
08-22-2009 Saturday
My 2nd day as a fugitive. I've been all over the place trying to kill time since Alex has a job during weekends and I don't want to be left alone in the boarding house without him. It was a long and lonely day so I'll just give a quick summary because the entire story might bore you all to death.
For the 2nd consecutive day, I've been to SM Fairview again. It's not something I enjoy, seeing the mall as it is like it did yesterday is so damn boring, take my word for that. You see the same people behind the cash registrar of this store, the same ice cream flavors on the familiar ice cream stands, the same arrangement of books on the bookstore and the same floor/wall designs of the mall. It could be irritating, it's similar to standing on the side of the street and counting those damn jeepneys that's starting to look all the same.
It's also my 2nd day of menstrual period and the cramps haven't subsided yet, I still feel as horrible as I did yesterday. I still feel like being cut in half everytime I try to walk a bit faster. My feet are also starting to hurt from walking. It was around afternoon and I haven't eaten lunch yet. I plan to eat at the office, I know even though I'm on leave, the pantry is still open and I can sneak a meal since I have my ID with me.
Good thing, I bumped into
Kuya Joey in SM.
Kuya Joey, whom I haven't seen for awhile after the break-up with Mac, is still the funny guy I could always count on. He said he still have some parts of the motorcycle with him and I can come with him to pick those up. I have all the time anyway so I agreed to come with him. He bought a few things at the department store first, then off we went to his house, which is just near SM.
Warning: A little bit of nostalgia here...Kuya Joey's house, which has been our lair before for the drinking sessions with Mac, is still the same as it had been the last time I was there. The mono bloc chair where I usually sat beside Mac is still sitting against the wall. The karaoke with the mic lying beside it is still under the TV. The table that used to hold a few bottles of beer, junk foods and cigarettes.Those things somehow brought back a distant memory in my head, the memory with Mac. It has been more than a house for me before. This is where we hang-out, where I talk to Mac, where he said promises I used to believe in.
I forced myself to go back to the present when
Kuya Joey appeared from the kitchen, holding the two items for my motorcycle. I helped him wrap those in a plastic bag. Then, he prepared lunch and we ate, talking about motorcycles, Pag-ibig funds, and houses. It felt weird to talk to Mac's cousin and to be in the house that has been a witness to our past but I brushed it all aside.
Kuya Joey rarely goes home here, he has a job in Manila now so this could be the last time I'll ever be in this house again.
After that brief nostalgic moment, I went to Novaliches and shopped for some gifts for my gramma. It's her birthday this coming Monday and I looked around for stuff I haven't given her before. I came up with 2 nice looking blouse, a pair of earrings, a bottle of perfume and a skirt for attending worship services.
My next and final stop that day is the office. I went straight to the sleeping quarters, gave my ID and lie in bed. I was so tired, it felt heaven to lie down after a very long day without Alex. He texted me that afternoon and said that his boss will go to a party so he might be home late. He said I'd rather not wait for him. I told him I can wait, I don't wanna go home alone. I slept for awhile and woke up at around 7pm. I went out, got my ID and watched TV in the recreation room. I still haven't heard anything from Alex, I figured he might really be home late. I went to the pantry and ate quickly. It was getting late and my colleagues might find me here so after eating, I have no choice but to go home alone.
Of course, I'm living under the same roof with Alex but somehow, I still feel like he's far away. He's not home, and I feel all alone in spite of the noisy boarding house. Alone and lonely... Alone, lonely and motherless. Hmm, I think I can live with this.
Labels: alex, fugitive, kuya joey, mac, pink crimson, quezon ave, runaway
The Runaway Daughter
08-21-2009 Friday
Finally, Alex told me I can stay in the boarding house for awhile. Yipee. I am on leave for this day but I still acted like I'm gonna go to work.
My gramma went to a friend's house and she wouldn't be home till evening so I was left with my mother, who surprisingly prepared some food. I wasn't impressed, she only did that because my gramma wasn't home, that's it. After eating, I quietly packed some clothes in the small bag. I also armed myself with a toothbrush, shampoo sachets, deodorant, hairbrush, a tube of lipstick and a baby powder. I'm used to running away so packing quickly isn't a hard task. I took a bath, applied light make up on my face, told my mom, I might be home tomorrow night and before she could say anything else, I'm out the door, eager to runaway from everything that has do in dealing with her.
Alex have work today and he wouldn't be out till night so I stayed at SM, tired from it but being the fugitive that I am, I have to deal with all this now. I decided to wait for him, I'd rather go to the boarding house with him than go there on my own. I have my menstrual period today and it sucks so bad to walk around feeling like the cramp will just cut you in half. It's so hard being a girl, is the thing I usually thought to myself whenever I have my period and I know most girls feel the same way.
At around 7:30, Alex told me he's about to go home. I rode the jeepney to Q.Ave and asked him to wait for me, I'm on my way.
He was standing there, on the streetside, looking tired from a day's work but nonetheless, handsome in my eyes. We went to the boarding house and I was greeted with the familiar smiles from the people he live with. I smiled shyly. There's just too many people in that boarding house that it's pretty crowded, and this is the place where Alex has lived for a few years now, and since I decided to stay here, I have to live with it.
Hah, I'd rather deal with a dozen people I barely knew than deal with a mother I thought I knew.
Labels: alex, daughter, mother, pink crimson, quezon ave, runaway
Unbearable
08-20-2009 Thursday
I'm seriously sick of waking up in the afternoon only to find my damned mother lying on the floor, sleeping her ass off all day instead of just being a mother to me and prepare my food before I go to work. No, she ain't like that, and that's the truth I think I have to deal with as long as we're both here as mothers and daughters in the same house but miles apart from each other.
I've tried to ignore her a dozen times already, believe me, but it's hard to do that whenever I will see my gramma working hard to prepare my food, seeing her tired from doing the house chores all day. It's sickening to think how my mother can sleep like a fucking baby while we work our asses off all day.
I sighed upon waking up, wanting to pretend I accidentally kicked her but knowing I can't pull off a lie as obvious as that. I faced my late lunch, looking grim, sighing continously. If I have to wake up like this for the next few days then I think I might go crazy from supressed anger. Another thing that pisses me off is how she turns on the TV after waking up, then, her next companion will be those disgusting redundant afternoon drama series. How in the world can a mother be so involved in a TV program instead of give a fuck if her daughter has already eaten her lunch before going to work?
As always, I kept all the rage inside me. I don't want to start a fight anymore. I know how much it troubles my gramma, and I don't want her to worry about us. I act like everything's okay, I wore a mask of happiness when all I wanna do is throw my mother out of the house and just live alone peacefully with my gramma. I love my gramma more than I love my real parents because all these years, she's the only parent who has been there beside me. If both my parents die, that's fine with me, but if my gramma die, knock on wood she does not, I'll probably move out of the house, take my pets with me and leave my mother alone. Call me the ungrateful daughter, I'll turn around and say, 'you don't even know half of it'.
Behold, this is how my momma raised me. It's a scary thought, and yes, I'm your worst nightmare turned reality.
Labels: daughter, mother, nightmare, pink crimson, rebel, runaway
The Hurdles
08-19-2009 Wednesday
And so my journey for searching a place to stay just began as I start asking around at work. It's not an easy task, I can't just ask them without having to explain why I have to stay with them for awhile. Besides, if I tell them the truth, they might just ask me to stay at home and work things out but heck, I know better.
My choices aren't that many to begin with. I have very few colleagues who rents on their own and has no problem in letting me stay with them, well, based on the people I've asked around, it all boils down to one promising prospect; that is my teammate, Elaine. She lives on her own, rents this nice apartment with two other colleagues (husband and wife and their baby) of ours, whom I'm not really associated with. She said it could be okay, if I don't have a problem dealing with a baby crying every now and then. God, you should know by now that I don't really fancy babies as much as other people does. I lied that it wouldn't be a problem, but I wasn't sure either since I'll also ask my boyfriend first.
Alex dropped me off at the office last night , and I thought the motorcycle was okay and all because we're able to use it already. Well, another shitty hurdle is that the motorcycle just acted up again and this time, it has stopped working. Alex texted me while I'm at work, telling me that he's pushing the motorcycle home. I apologized since there's really nothing I can do to help him, and I apologized for putting him in that situation, Of course, I feel that part of it is my fault. I bought a second hand motorcycle at cheap dirt price and now, this shitty things shouldn't surprise me much.
Alex, being the patient guy he is, said it was okay and that I need to prepare money to get it fixed. I asked how much and I almost vomited when he said around 6000 bucks. I swallowed a thick lump in my throat and simply replied,
"okay, I'll see what I can do." He said he'll help me in saving money, okay, it wasn't much of an assurance but I know I can trust his words.
Something is really stopping me from using the motorcycle alone. Why is that? Am I gonna be in a terrible accident that's why fate wouldn't let me use it alone? First, I had a hard time getting a student license. Then, when I was about to get my Non-Pro license, the government offices are closed due to a sudden storm. Then, whenever Alex is about to leave me the motorcycle, the unexpectable happen, like the battery of it dying, the rain, the traffic, anything you can imagine just to keep me from riding it alone. It's a chilling thought but I always shrug it off, I've been wanting this motorcycle, I've been wanting to ride it alone, feel free, feel like I can go anywhere without anyone trying to stop me, feel like I can kick a guy's ass because I'm a girl and gender doesn't really matter as long as you know what you want and you damn well know how to get it. I don't believe in signs and shit like that but still, when I try to think about it, it never fails to give me a chill down my spine.
I also asked Alex if they agreed to let me stay in the boarding house and it wasn't a surprise when he said he haven't had the time yet to ask. I have this feeling that he wouldn't get around to do it. They control him and I think right now, he feels like he couldn't ask anymore favor to them because he already owe them a lot. No surprise, really. A person gives you a house to live in and they own you for life. Yeah, humans can be such big assholes, that's just how it is.
I told him, that's fine he doesn't need to worry, maybe I'll just stay with Elaine, and as I type those words in my cellphone, I glanced at Elaine who's a few seats away from me. She's deep in a call, with her bushy brows furrowed as if thinking so hard or maybe she's just simply pissed with the caller. I sighed 'cause to be honest, I can't imagine myself living with her. We are friends, yes, but we have our differences.
Now, I'm down to none. What now.
Labels: alex, colleague, mother, pink crimson, runaway
