This Ain't Just Hate..It's FURY

08-31-2009 Monday

Hating your mom is when you rebel against everything she says, when you don't listen, when you speak ill against her, and so on and forth. What I feel is beyond hate, that it made me sick to even think that this woman, who sleeps the entire day and does nothing but play that goddamn gameboy of mine, is my mother. It makes me want to vomit so bad that I can't stand being in the house with that woman they call my mother. I'd rather be anywhere, far away, where I can't see her being lazy and not giving damn about whether we'll still have food to eat by tomorrow. All that woman cares about is to get sleep and to be able to play that little damn toy that don't even belong to her.

I know I'm a bad daughter, even a person, to think these things but how can I help myself when I don't seriously feel anything for her anymore? How can I love a that woman who don't even care about her family? I woke up today feeling heavy inside, thinking what am I gonna do because we don't have any money left to buy food. My gramma has the same frown in her face and I know that she's thinking the same thing. All this while my mom, sits around, not giving a fuck, not even a slight frown on the face to show that she's thinking hard on how to have money. I just wanna kick her in the face and shout, "Fuck, bitch, what do we now?! We don't have food for lunch, do you understand that bitch?! You're the so-called mother, this is supposed to be your problem, not mine!" Fuck her, fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I am way beyond hating her, I'm sick of her.

We couldn't come up with any money so this day marks the day of our poverty. We're not rich but we never had a time like this when all we have for lunch is rice and nothing else. For three weeks or maybe more, my mother has been in the house doing nothing, waiting for that goddamn job. Other mothers can't even stand being in the house that long without doing something to earn money, Why is she different? Why can't she be like a regular mother who does anything just to provide food in the table for her family?

I found a small bottle of Cheez Whiz in the fridge and helped myself whip some of it on the rice so I can eat lunch. Festivity of cheese, weeeee. I can't believe my own mother let me eat rice slathered on cheese spread for my lunch. She's in a proper state of mind, as far as I know, or maybe she has brain damage already and we just don't know it. A real mother would rather die than see her family starve like that. I doubt now, if she's really my mother. Who is this fucking woman that's inhabiting our house? When will she get the fuck out? For God's sake, if she doesn't have any use for us then just let her die. Just let her die, please.

There's no one to help me out. I've never felt more alone now. Alex didn't show up or anything and I guess he has decided to let go of me afterall. Whatever his decision is, I'm okay with that. This isn't the time to think about other things. All I'm thinking about is how we can get by until payday which is 5 days away. Another thing I'm thinking about is when that woman will finally leave the house or better yet, just die, so that my gramma and I can live peacefully again and I can have my normal life back.

Labels: alex, cheez whiz, daughter, mother, pink crimson, poverty

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 5:43 AM