12-29-2009 Tuesday
I haven't had the time to join the holiday shopping rush which is something that I always enjoy doing but the recent changes in my schedule, not to mention uncalled for finances, made it impossible for me to catch up in the busiest time of the year. Good thing that today I finally find the time to do some shopping.
I hit the Robinson's Novaliches bazaar and found some really cheap deals on undies, shoes, and some new make-up. I hit the mall alone since Alex has work today and I really don't mind. Ever since we started over, I promised to myself that I'm gonna be fine when I'm alone, well of course, there are still some instances when I would see a couple at the mall walking together holding hands and I can't help but think that it'd be wonderful if I have Alex with me. At least he manages to text me and that's one thing that really matters to me when he's not around.
I treated myself to a grande Toffee Nut Frappuccino, my absolute Starbucks favorite that's only available for the holiday season so I have to make the most out of it while supplies last. Then, I went back to bargain hunting. It was a hot afternoon, not a good time to explore a tent-covered bazaar but it was worth it. I chose to go this afternoon because I plan to spend the rest of the remaining hours of the day watching the new DVD's I bought.
The moment I felt that I was sweating like a pig as I walk with my hands full of the items I bought, I decided it was time to go home. I plan to buy a gift for Alex, a perfume maybe, but I really felt my ass burning with the afternoon heat so I saved it for my next bargain hunting.
When I got home, I immediately popped the DVD I bought. It's not a new movie, it's a compilation of Friday the 13th movies that I never got the chance to watch. I thought it wasn't a nice movie but after researching the net, I realized I can give it a try. It's one of those films that has a lot of chapters that can get you confused if you don't watch all of it in chronological order.
I was able to finish the first two parts and lined up the rest for tomorrow since my eyes are starting to hurt from staring at the goddamn TV for more than 3 hours. My eyes does that to me lately and I can't complain much, I mean, this is probably what you get from facing the computer monitor for 10 hours a day 4 days a week.
So that wraps it up for this day, I gotta give my eyes some break away from anything that has something to do with what they call, radiation.
Labels: alex, Friday the 13th, holiday, pink crimson, shopping
With Love Love
12-28-2009 Monday
After Alex dropped me off at our house last night, he stayed with me. I know it's his way of trying to make up for the times that we were not together. I woke up and found him curled up on the floor, with my blanket pulled up to his face and I smiled to myself because God knows I also missed seeing him first thing in the morning.
We had breakfast together, watched TV like what we always do before whenever he'd stay at home with me, and around noon, we headed to Fairview to exchange the Monterey gift checkes that I received from my aunt, of course. We went home and prepared lunch together. I thought that after eating, he would leave but he didn't. He stayed, still and slept on my bed all afternoon while I watch TV with my gramma.
It was already evening when he left and as he drove away, I wished that this really means starting over. I know that he loves me, I just wish that he has more time for me and I wanted to feel that I'm still more important than his job.
I think, this time, what I'll do is not expect too much. I'll let things fall into place if he's really the one (I'm really hoping to God he is). I will continue focusing on my job to keep doing well. When we both have time, then we can meet, if not, I'll think of something else to do without him.
I have a wonderful life to live and I need to live it well.
Labels: alex, gramma, love, pink crimson, relationships
Utah Xmas Party (and something in Between)
12-27-2009 Sunday
Team UTAH Xmas Party!
(slightly drunk and keeping my stomach from showing...)
(the cook!)
(the beer!)
(belting it out!)
(the exchange gifts!)Come on lemme hear everyone scream, 'Parrrtaaayyy!', that's like party with an edge to it. Haha.
I've been down for a couple of days now because of what's happening between me and Alex so I decided that I needed a break from all of it, let loose and have some innocent fun with my teammates. This is the Christmas party we've all planned for awhile and we almost can't believe that after almost two years of being together as a team, it's just now that it finally happened.
After our shift, we all went to our teammates house that served as our party venue. We had tons of food, bunch of laughter, and lots of beer. I mean, lots of it for real. I don't know how we manage to come up with a more than what we hoped for since we were asked to just give 200 bucks per head, and there's like 11 or 12 of us, if I'm not mistaken, but the food and all of it seemed to accommodate 24 people!
We sang in the videoke, went crazy with jokes from our brothers who never fails to deliver the right punchlines at the right time and we had our exchange gifts. The gift I received is a Chuck Taylor rubber shoes bought from tiangge (our budget for the gifts is P500) and I liked it. I never asked for an original one because I know that it costs a fortune and besides, it's not the worth of it that matters, what matters is you have something to use or wear. I liked it, no, I loved it, it comes in wonderful color combination of violet and pink.
As the party goes on, I could feel my head spinning a little bit. I might've drunk too much beer but I didn't care, I wanted to be happy and forget about Alex even for just awhile. He texted me, asking me where I am, telling me that he will pick me up if I need him, and curse me because I can't help myself from wanting to see him so bad so I asked him if he can pick me up at Quezon Ave when our party ends.
After the party, Alex picked me up and I was slightly drunk so I had to hold on to him as we sped away on the motorcycle. I missed him so much. I clung to him tightly, pressing my face against his broad shoulders.
He stopped at a quiet place where we can talk before going home. I said everything I wanted to say to him and all the things that I can't seem to understand between us. He explained his side, and he cried when I told him that I really wanna break up for real. I saw the pain in his eyes when he said that he knows that he's hurting me so if letting me go would mean that I wouldn't be hurt anymore then he'd rather do that.
I was torn between my pride of wanting to show him that I can live on without him and my feelings for him that doesn't wanna let go. In the end, I don't know if it means I'm weak or if it means I really love him that much, I wanted to stay with him. I don't know how many times we've said that we'll start over but now I've come up with this thought that if you love someone that much, you're willing to start over and over till it finally works out.
Labels: alex, beer, Christmas, love, Party, pink crimson, relationships, Utah
Single but Not Alone
12-23-2009 Wednesday
When you believe in something so hard, and you keep on thinking about it, telling yourself that it's real, forcing yourself to really believe in it, then it starts to sink in your pathetic little brain that it's the truth and nothing else. So now, as I wake up this morning, after being stood up, again, last night, I finally let my mind accept the fact that I am single now and I need to start deleting some photos on those social networking sites that I usually visit. Oh and I won't forget to change the 'In a Relationship' status to 'Single', that way, I'll truly believe in it because others will.
The worst part about it is that after Alex apologized,promised that we can start over and even begged me to come back to him, he stood me up last night. I told him to come over to the house after his work so he can have some of the ham that we got out of the San Miguel gift checks, he asked me what if it's already late, I said I can wait. And boy did I wait. I left the door unlocked, I turned on the light outside, and I didn't sleep very well so I can hear him when he comes. Only to read his message at 2 o clock in the morning that he will just go home because he's too tired and our place is too far. Well, screw him.
Ok, I am demanding, I know that. I can understand him if he has said that at least 3 hours earlier so that I don't have to wait and always wake up every half hour just to check if he's already arrived. He did it to me again and the worst part is he made it sound like it's my fault for having to live miles away from where he worked. I go to work near where he worked and I go home every fucking day. Some colleagues of mine resides as far as Bulacan and they still manage to go home no matter how late it is at night or how early it is in the freaking morning, and we're as tired as he is last night but we manage to make it home because we wanted to.
If you really wanted something so bad then you'll make an effort to make it happen. I thought that after almost two weeks of not seeing each other, he would start making an effort to come see me whenever he can and I thought that after all the begging he has done, he will make it up to me by not letting me wait for nothing. Well, oops, he did it again.
Considering the fact that he still has my motorcycle, I believe it's a helluva lot better than commuting in the wee hours of the morning so given that fact, he would still give me a reason that my place is far, he's tired, his body is aching and all that crap. Ya know what they say, if you don't want to, you have reasons, if you want to, you find a way.
Starting today, I have to start living a new life, as a single gal. Yup, y'all heard it right. I'm simply tired of non sense reasons being fed to me and I'm not buying it anymore. I knew it since yesterday that I've made a mistake in taking him back and I was dumb enough to fall for his fake sincerity.
I'm moving on without him. I have my job to focus on. I have my cats, and my Damien who loves me more than a human can love another human being. I have my colleagues to keep me smiling at work. I have my gramma who serves delicious meals from the heart. With all these special things beside me and with faith to back me up, who says I'm all alone?
Labels: alex, gal, pink crimson, relationships, Single
Foolish with a capital 'F'
12-22-2009 Tuesday
I was foolish enough to take Alex back last night. All it takes was for him to have this teary eyed look on his face and kneel in front of me, begging me to give him one more chance. And there I was, taking him back. How can I be so weak when he does that to me? I said to myself before yesterday that no matter what he does to win me back, I'll never ever let my defenses down. If I have to fake it so bad, or lie to his face, I would do that, if that's what it takes for him to be completely gone.
In spite of me feeling so prepared to face him and tell him to get lost, the moment he embraced me, I felt like all reservations I have prepared came tumbling down. I was back to being vulnerable in front of him. I was back to wanting him, needing him and missing him so bad. I lost myself to him again. I was defenseless again.
Now that it's morning again, I felt like a fool for taking him back. I've felt like by doing that, it boosted his ego, he felt like he own me, that I can never get away from him. He was back to being the insensitive bastard when he left early in the morning, ignoring my pleas for him to leave the motorcycle to me because I'm gonna need it. He said it's still not working properly, and when I said that I'll be the one who will have it fixed, he ignored me. It's as if he needed it so bad, so he'd rather keep it for his own good.
He left, without much of a goodbye, or a kiss on the cheek or even a glance behind to see me, furious as hell and again, hurt. I felt like he's only using me. I felt like it's the motorcycle that he wanted, not me. That's the reason why he was able to come up with loads of cash when the motorcycle needs to be fixed but when it comes to me, he would always have lame excuses on why he has no money. Bullshit. The more he does this to me, the more angry I felt. I would just wait for all this anger to take over hoping that it will wash away all the love I still have for him.
I don't want to waste my time today in crying my eyes out just because I felt like I've been used up so badly so I decided to get out of bed early and face whatever lies ahead. The clock is ticking now and our relationship is ending. I feel sorry about it but if I let this relationship go on any longer then I don't think I'll ever find the right one for me. Someone out there is still waiting to find me. Someone out there is destined for me. Someone out there is just waiting for the right time to come out and give me all the love I deserve that I wasn't able to get.
Labels: alex, foolish, love, pink crimson, relationships
Gifts of the Season
12-20-2009 Sunday
My aunt still haven't forgotten to be the Santa this season. She invited us over at her house after I got off from work and I went there together with my gramma. She has a couple of things to give us. She's always like that every Christmas, she never forgets to give things to us. Well, she lives alone, she has no kids, she's so damn rich so where can she spend all those money?
She also invited my uncle (the father of my cousin) and we all had delicious lunch together. It was nice and the food is awesome. Of course, my aunt did the usual 'you're so fat you look like a pail of water(as opposed to the hourglass figure, I believe that's what she meant by that), you should stop eating too much' at me but I let it pass my ears. The food is so good to think worry about what I'll look like after eating a lot.
After eating, she started handing out the gifts and we started packing it all in plastic bags. She let us choose from a dozen San Miguel t shirts, which is something she usually gives out every December as well as calendars from San Miguel Corp. She has worked as a secretary for Cojuanco for almost a lifetime now and we're still enjoying the benefits of having her work there.
When we finished packing and chatting, my aunt drove us to the bus station and I was so tired for not having any sleep at all but I still manage to reach home awake. Traffic is a killer. Well, it's also the time of the month when the streets are packed with vendors, selling all sorts of things and people are everwhere joining the holiday rush.
Amidst the holiday rush and the hippity-hoppity happy atmosphere, I stand alone, watching every move of everyone around me, still wondering how these people can so goddamn happy when it's just another month and poor people are not getting any richer, happier maybe but richer, abosolutely no. I can be called the Grouch who will ruin holiday for these people but I don't care because this is what I really feel. I guess it's the fact that I'm really not that happy with the way things are going in my life so I have this feeling that if I'm not happy then no one deserves to feel happy.
Oh well, enough of this bitterness. To continue with my story, we reached the house a good 20 minutes after 6, considering the fact that we're near the house around 6. Traffic managed to kill 20 minutes of our time. I unpacked the things that we wrapped in plastic bags and began devouring in the material things given to us. Ok, a couple of new t-shirts, new bag, a new Celine Dion perfume and lots of San Miguel gift checks, these are the things that gave me a temporary joy for this day..uhmm..hurrah!
Energy is zero. Sleep is zero. Ok, I feel like I'm gonna pass out now so time to go to bed. Bye, dearly beloved blog readers. :)
Labels: aunt, gifts, gramma, holiday, paranaque, pink crimson
All Around Me
12-18-2009 Friday
There's something about this time of the year that makes me wonder why is it that everyone seemed to be so in love with someone? Is it the jingling bells of the coming holiday season? Is it the perfect time of the year to love one another? I can't really tell but it saddens me to think that everyone seems to be happy to have their special someone beside them.
I see couples everywhere. When I ride the jeepney, I see couples holding hands, having a conversation as they stare into each other's eyes, obviously hypnotized and bitten by the love bug. When I walk in the streets, I see couple walking together, arms locked in each other, their bodies very near to keep warm against the cold weather. I stare into those couples for a moment, then I look away, feeling a slight twinge of bitterness inside me. Everyone so damn in love but me.
Love. It's a wonderful feeling especially at this time of the month. Everyone feels it except for me. I'm the cold cold heartless person who hugs myself, tells myself that I'm happy alone, and forces myself to believe in it. I'm really cursed to be gloomy every December. It started last year and now it's back again.
I feel so alone and I hold on to the very few things that matter to me so that I can get through this loneliness. The worst thing is, one of the most important person to me that I hold on to, seems to be so far away now. Alex, seemed so far. He hasn't made any effort to see me and it hurts to think that he seemed to be happy without me. I busied myself with work, I was able to reach my goals at work, salary is good, my stats are going up. I laugh with my colleagues but when I go home, I'm back to being alone and empty as if my achievements at work are not enough to make me feel whole inside. Something is still missing.
Everyone around me seemed jolly while I may look like I'm as jolly as them but truth is, pieces of myself are starting to fall apart, and I tried holding on but now, it feels like I've ran out of strength to keep on trying.
Labels: alex, happy, holiday, jolly, love, pink crimson
Single for a Week
12-16-2009 Wednesday
Yep, it has been a week now and I still feel like I'm single. No going out for a date, or a stroll in the mall. No motorcycle parked outside our house. It's just me, this pc, the troubles lingering inside this house and the irritating noise of children playing outside.
Yesterday, Alex tried calling me a dozen times but I ignored it, well first, I still don't wanna talk to him and second, he's calling me at 2 o'clock in the freaking morning. In the afternoon, I did text him, asking him how he is to which he immediately replied, which is something new to him. He even asked on my whereabouts yesterday and I thought that the reason why he asked is because he will come to our house so we can talk. He didn't. He didn't say that he's gonna come anyway but I expected because of the way he asked me.
I waited the entire day for any signs of him but there was none. He didn't tell me what he was doing and I didn't bother to ask. I don't give a fuck anymore if he's somewhere kissing someone else's ass just to make money that is never used to pamper me. When he has money, he spends it for himself or for our motorcycle, okay that's fine with me but still, I'm half-expecting him to treat me or something.
Today, I woke up early. I checked my cellphone and there's another missed call from him again, at 4:00 in the morning. What is this guy up to? For three days now, he seems to be awake from 1 to 4 in the morning. There's nothing left for me to do but continue my life as it is and if he's gonna come, if he's gonna talk to me, then I'm willing to talk to him. I got tired of waiting for him. I am exhausted from too much failed expectations. The burden that I have now, feels like the weight of the world on my shoulders and I don't want anything that will add up to it.
Labels: alex, burden, expectations, love, pink crimson
About Paranormal
12-15-2009 Tuesday
My colleague lend me her DVD copy of Paranormal Activity and I just finished watching it today. I started watching it yesterday when we got home from the rehab but I wasn't able to finish because it's so freaking boring, turns out, it's not a film afterall, it's a video footage shot by a couple who were trying to capture the paranormal things happening in their house on camera.
I didn't plan to finish the film but I don't have anything to watch today so I went ahead and popped it again in the DVD player to give it one last shot, hoping to be creeped out just like what's being said on the review in the cover of the DVD. Well, when the tape reached 'The End' I still am not creeped out, I'm more of interested to research more about those two. Do you really want me to give out the ending? I can't help it, sorry for the spoiler but they both died. Now, that wasn't creepy, it's more of a mystery, something like those unsolved cases because the Police Department got ahold of their tape recordings and it all showed that they're dealing with the paranormal shit. How can anyone solve a mystery like that? Very interesting.
I'm not much of a believer in the paranormal because it hasn't happened to me or anything. For me, until I see it with my own eyes, I wouldn't believe in it. To see is to really believe. Yet, the video footage seemed real enough for me, so I think it's safe to say that ok, maybe there really is some weird shit out there, some malevolent presence wanting to mess up with your life and it really happens to somebody, not everyone. Maybe there are people that is prone to being attracted by those unwanted presence, just like the woman, Katie in the footage.
I still need to do some researching in the internet since for all we know, that tape could also be made up or whatever. Well, I'm just saying the possibilities, being that I'm not much of a paranormal believer. I can't say that watching the film made me change what I believed in. Again, maybe it does happen to some people.
Signing out of my blog... Getting on Google now. Google it google that googling it all on google......
*UPDATE: I did google it! That thing is
JUST A FILM. OKAY. I got carried away. I thought it's for real! Because the ending says '
Dedicated to Katie and Micah' and the footage begins with credits for the family of Katie and Micah and the police department for providing the video!!..well whatever.. ARGH.
Labels: Katie and Micah, paranormal, Paranormal Activity, pink crimson, presence
The Visit
12-14-2009 Monday
It has been three weeks now since my mom was admitted at the rehab in Pampanga and today's the day that they would allow visitations for her. My gramma is evidently excited because she got up earlier than she usually did and prepared everything. Me? I acted casually as if visiting your mom in a rehab is a very normal thing for a 21 year old girl.
My gramma's brother whom I call Papa Ben accompanied us as per my mom's request when she texted me a couple of days ago thru the rehab staff's cellphone. It's a good thing that we don't have to commute all the way to Pampanga since Papa Ben has a car. We left the house at 8 in the morning and the ride to Pampanga took us 2 and a half hours.
My mom saw us immediately when we passed by their dormitory. I was nervous because I was really expecting her to be the manic blabber that she was when she got there. Thankfully, she wasn't. She greeted us happily, hugged each one of us and cried, telling us that she wanted to go home already.
'Well, you did it to yourself' I thought to myself, not feeling any pity for her. Have I gone completely evil? Am I the most unwanted daughter now? I hope not.
We ate the packed lunch that my gramma vigorously prepared earlier. The wind was blowing softly against our faces as we eat. The place is calming, with the nice view of Mt. Arayat as our background. We talked and I was glad that she's talking about the usual things now unlike before when all she's able to talk about are repetition of senseless words. I munched on my meal happily, seeing her close to normal is definitely a relief.
I talked with the nurse and she said that my mom is good to go by January 24, exactly 2 months after her admission. I had mixed emotions about it. Well, of course it's good that she'll be released so that means I can start saving money again but I'm also worried about her being back home. i'm sure that by now, my gramma is not even thinking about taking her to the province. She would prefer my mom to be at home, where she can be taken care of by us. Me and my mom in the same house, after I grabbed her hair, almost pulling it it out of it's scalp and almost punching her? That doesn't look good.
Well, that gives me something to think about before she comes home.
Plan#1: Get an affordable rent to own house, live alone, and send them money every payday to support them.
Plan#2: Find my mom a very easy job once she's really well, so that she'll still be out of the house often.
Plan#3: Have a very long chat with my aunt and persuade her to let me stay with her and still keep my job to be able to give money to my family. Plan#2 seemed somehow impossible while Plan# 3 seemed next to impossible but I'm running out of options. I have less than 2 months to weigh these options and think it over carefully because I know that this decision will impact my life dramatically.
Labels: aunt, gramma, mother, pink crimson, Rehab. CLDRC
Status: In a Relationship with WORK
12-13-2009 Sunday
Oh, how I'm loving my job now and I can feel it loving me back. This is the kind of relationship that's sure to give me loads of money on my payslip every payday. If this goes on, then I'm sure to get loads of commission from last month and this month.
This is definitely the best time to sell, with the Americans ordering over the phone for Christmas gifts, Americans having enough money in their credit cards to pay for a purchase and not to mention the holiday sales we have. That's why I'm always eager to go to work and close those sales. I'm fueled by the drive to do good in my job because it's the only thing that seemed to work out for me. Everything's down in my life right now so I need to have at least one good thing to focus on.
I logged out happily and contented with my final stats for this week. I feel more comfort in my workplace than my own house, where all the pain is hiding in it's four corners. If it wasn't for my gramma, Damien and my cats, I would definitely relocate, live alone and find my own happily-ever-after ending which is still elusive to me up to now.
Yeah, happiness sometimes is hard to find and you have to go through a lot of sadness before you can finally have it. I still believe that I would be able to straighten things out, I mean I still have my strong faith to keep me going. I'm still hoping, hoping so hard that when the new year comes, we can start anew and leave our dark past completely, as for me with or without Alex, I'm definitely moving on with what's left from the pieces of my broken life.
I have my goals, I have my dreams that I want to fulfill. I'm still young, the road of life is laid out in front of me and now, after all that I've been through, I'm not afraid to run forward and grab my small piece of happy ever after.
Labels: alex, americans, call center, commission, pink crimson, work
Feels Like Single
12-11-2009 Thursday
As a girl, I wanna be cherished, feel like I mean the world to someone and feel that I am so damn important that my someone wouldn't wanna do things without me. Yes, believe it or not, I'm still a girl inside, an undeniably hopeless romantic wanting to feel loved.
Ok, if these words make you wanna throw up then you're free to leave this webpage and surf that in demand Facebook instead. I always say that this blog is not for everybody and I don't really give a fuck to what others think about the things that I've written here so I want to save somebody's time as much as I could.
Lately I haven't heard much from Alex and I'm not really liking it, heck it's downright pissing me off. He would send a message, telling me that he's sorry he's not able to text, he has no money, all the same old blah that I am seriously tired of hearing. Then, I wouldn't hear from him again for ages. It's so upsetting because I'm expecting him to be there like what he used to say when he's still trying to steal me away from my then boyfriend, Mac. Did he really mean those words before or did he just say it for me to choose him over Mac? Whenever we would have a fight, I always tell to his face that he's not what he used to be then he would say that it was actually me who has changed. Damn him.
Is it really me? I know I'm a psycho but I sure know how to appreciate him and our relationship. I maybe busy with work but I find time to be with him. I always text him about how much I miss him, how much I love him and how much I wanted to be with him while his texts are generic 'I miss you, I love you' and nothing else. It seemed like anyone can send that message without meaning it, you know what I'm saying? Unlike before when we were friends, he would always say how much he wanted to see me, or how beautiful are my eyes, sweet stuff like that. Little things that simply meant small butterflies to the stomach but now that he's not like that anymore, it's all starting to matter so much to me.
Now I feel like I'm single again. I go to work alone, I go home alone, no new message on my cell, nothing. He hasn't given me any chocolates or a bunch of flowers or even a freaking cheap teddy bear will do but there's none and it's not like I'm expecting things like that...still, I'm a girl, I want to feel like one.
Somehow, I knew that if we don't have a motorcycle, he would not exert much effort to see me. I even doubt if he'll try to be with me as often as possible. Now that the motorcycle is acting fucked up again, I am able to confirm that thought. He 's nowhere to be found and I can feel that I can leave this country for good and he wouldn't even know or maybe, wouldn't even care. I can go anywhere far and he wouldn't even try to find me because he doesn't have the goddamn money. Alright, he doesn't have a job so he doesn't have money, so I send him load and sure he would text two, three or four if I'm lucky then he's back to being invisible.
I'm really mad at him for treating me like this. This is the worst time of my life and he's being a total ass. I hate being taken for granted. One more wrong move from him and he's totally out. I've done this 'dumping' thing before and I can very damn well do it again.
Labels: alex, girls, love, mac, pink crimson, relationships
A Cloudless Sky
12-09-2009 Wednesday
It was around 1 in the afternoon when someone knocked at our front door looking for my gramma. I looked out the window and saw Ka Manny, a deacon in our church who lives nearby. I know it has something to do with the financial help we're asking from the church and I don't know why I'm being a little bit of a pessimistic lately because I'm expecting to hear something like, 'no sorry we wouldn't be able to help you..' Yeah, well, I've learned to always expect the worse, I know we're asking help from people who's also having financial difficulties and I really don't wanna bother these good people, I've bothered enough people within the last few weeks so I'm not the most hopeful gal now.
I heard my gramma's wet slippers squish against the cemented floor as she rushed to the door to greet Ka Manny. They talked in hushed voices and I tried not to listen by pressing a pillow against my ear. When I heard Ka Manny leave, my gramma went inside the room and when she saw that my eyes were open, she showed me the plastic bag that held a couple of pennies and some bills. With a tearful look, she said to me, 'they did manage to collect funds to help us out..' All I said was, 'Great' even though what I really wanted to do was burst into tears. I'm touched by the compassion showed to us by our brothers and sisters in faith because I knew that this money are worked hard for.
My gramma spilled out all the money on the floor and I watched her count it one by one. It's not that much but it's enough to add up to the money I'm collecting to pay for my mom's 2 month's stay in the rehab. She still had the tearful look in her eyes when she told me that it's really a big help to us. All I could do was nod. I can't find the right words to say. It seemed like, for the first time in a couple of weeks that all I see were dark grey clouds, I am finally seeing the blue sky. A little bit of help is a huge thing for me now to keep me from losing hope. Maybe it's the overwhelming feeling that I get upon seeing the collected money that made me see the sky beneath the clouds. That financial help meant that we're not alone in this. We have a comrade of faithful people behind our backs, holding out their hands so we can hold on to it and not lose our faith, most importantly.
Faith. That's also a biggie for me. Now, more than ever, I have to keep my faith because it's the only thing I have left. Faith is what makes my sky blue, faith is peeking from the dark clouds, like the sun showing it's rays to assure people that it will rise at the right time of the day. I'm looking forward to that. It has been night time in my life for weeks now and I miss the warmth of the sun. I miss the smile of a brand new day full of hope.
After my gramma counted the last of the pennies, I pretended to go back to sleep and pulled the blanket up to hide my face. It's a long day, I still don't have enough sleep, but it's hard for me to sleep, it's like my eyes don't want to shut anymore. Maybe it's because of the nightmares..or the fact that when I close my eyes, it's gonna be dark again. I was never the type to give a fuck to darkness before, it has been my friend during the rebellious years but now, I'm starting to resent it.
No one deserves to be in the dark. Everyone needs to have a little playground of their own underneath a cloudless sky.
Labels: gramma, hope, nightmare, pink crimson, sky
Infected!
12-08-2009 Tuesday
Sadly, my pc has the worst virus case scenario and I'm not the most knowledgeable person when it comes to getting rid of these damn viruses, all I know is when my anti virus pops up a message that a virus was found, I just delete it. Right now, I'm realizing that maybe that wasn't enough to make the virus totally go and leave my pc alone because whenever I would restart and get back on the net then something would appear again and it affects my internet connection.
I still haven't found someone who can fix my pc problem or maybe I wasn't really taking the time to find one because there are other important things that I'm thinking about to even bother with this virus shit but when it's starting to get worse, then this is a totally different story. I really need to get some technicians help, anyone who has more knowledge about this stuff. I can also ask some how to's but I admit I can't really do it on my own, I might screw something up and there goes my chance of fixing the problem. I really need help now!
Let's see, I got Trojan Virus, the Win32 malware... something like that and there's another one with worm on it's name. Ugly viruses and I can't get rid of them by just having my antivirus delete them!! I'm panicking! Seriously, I need help!
Ohh yeah, here's my internet connection slowing down again..Oops..will disconnect...now..Arrrggh!!
Labels: infected, Malwares, pink crimson, VIRUS, worm
The Power of Written Words
12-07-2009 Monday
I'm currently busy writing a detailed letter about the tragic day of my mom's escape from reality. I plan to send it to someone who might be able to help us out with our situation once he read about what happened. Whoever that someone is, I don't plan to give out any details. A blog is still something that can be read by anyone who has access to the internet and it's still safer for me to not tell everything in this online journal of mine. Some things are still considered private and I plan to keep it that way.
Anyway, what I wanna talk about is how powerful writing is for me. While I was writing those things in paper awhile ago, I feel like I'm reliving the days, watching it all unfold in front of me. I remember everything clearly, in details, from the feelings I've felt to the faces of the people involved, even the face of the person who wasn't there when I needed him most. It's astounding how simply writing those things can bring back so many unwanted memories and for a second, I had a feeling that the nightmares will stop by to visit me later this evening when I'm in bed.
I even felt my hands that gripped the pen, tremble a bit from spilling out too many emotions on that one sheet of long white paper. I wasn't just writing the words, I was taken back to that day when everything was happening in slow motion. The pain, anger, hopelessness and fear are all coming back and I had to stop once in awhile to force myself to tear away from that dark memory.
I believe that the person I plan to send it to will also feel the array of emotions I had while writing that letter. I'm certain of that and I firmly believe that he will be able to help us out. He's one of the last hope that I wanted to cling to. He's one of the silver lining beyond the dark clouds. My only wish is that he'll receive the letter in time.
This timing couldn't be more ironically perfect for me. The month when almost everyone is jolly, merry and too fucking happy for the holiday seasons, I feel like I'm left alone carrying the weight of the world in my shoulders. Well, I know it's not just me. Some people's pain are greater than mine, some people's situation are worse so who am I to complain. I'm just one of the few that are chosen to grieve while everyone else laughs. Ironic as it may seem but it happens.
(HOPELESS DREAM)found it on the net. says it all.Labels: blogging, december, holiday, letter, pain, pink crimson
A Job Well Done
12-06-2009 Sunday
Just when I thought that there's nothing left for me to be happy about, work started to smile upon me. I've gotten good calls earlier which means, I've gotten good sales. The customers I spoke with, thank God are not the ranting, 'I've been a customer for years why can't you do this for me' type. I had pleasant conversations with them, and I remembered the very last call I took was this man who had a lot of negative issues with the company but he still manages to make light of the situation and we laughed more than twice throughout our entire half hour conversation.
It was a nice day for me at work and it makes me forget even for awhile, that the problems I have will arise again once I'm back at home and I'm alone in my bed with the nightmares lingering around, waiting for me to sleep. I had a great time with my colleagues also, before leaving the office, we had took pictures, wacky faces and all. I will say this over and over, these people are amazing.
Now that I'm back at home, I feel the heavy emotions again but somehow, it's being subsided by the happiness of what I've accomplished at work. That's one reason for me to move forward and continue the fight. I can't believe how easy it was for me to laugh when I'm at work and how light I felt, it was like floating somewhere far away where there's nothing to worry about. I love this crazy job of mine and this is one of the things that I wouldn't let go. Love your job, and it will definitely love you back. =)
That's all I wanna share for now. I'm sleepy and I need to get some rest. Goodnight, folks.
Labels: call center, colleague, happy, pink crimson, work
Staying Alive
12-04-2009 Friday
Alex stayed with me this evening and I'm glad he did. I've been having nightmares for some nights now. I kept on dreaming about the darkest days of my life even though it has been more than 2 weeks now, the pain and trauma is still vivid inside me and I know that it's something that will stay with me for a long time.
My gramma left earlier to visit her brother who's in the hospital for a heart surgery and I hate being left alone in the house that has witnessed how a family member breakdown. It holds way too many painful memories for me that I don't look at it the same way it used to be anymore.
Alex and I spent the night together, watching TV while eating hamburgers, junk food and almost anything we can get our hands on. There's no better way to shoo away those nightmares but to eat, indulge, and be a total pig.To be honest, I don't think he has any idea how I'm struggling hard to hold on to the remaining sanity I have. I looked like I'm coping well in front of him, but I've been doing a lot of faking lately that I'm starting to get used to it..and somehow I even forget what I really feel inside.
This is one of those nights when I'm finding the reasons to keep my life going. Like I always say, I can't give up so no matter how close I am to completely falling down, I'm trying to hold on to with every last ounce of strength I have left. As long as I still feel that I'm being loved, I guess there's still a better chance of me surviving. Love is all we need, right? I hope that's enough to mend shattered souls.
Surprisingly, I'm still alive in spite of feeling like I have nothing left inside me. Nothing to keep me whole. I feel like a walking skin with nothing but broken bones inside me. That's how weak I feel. I'm also surprised that I'm still able to stand up because if you ask me, I would prefer to dig a hole in the dirt, crawl down under, stay buried until my happily ever after comes,
if it's ever gonna come.It's painful. Alex can only do so much to help, well, he's not much of a help anyway since he wasn't there to help me get through those darkest days. He helps me forget temporarily but once he's gone, I'm back to being weak. When I have people, friends around me, I feel fine, I smile, I laugh, I looked like a simple happy girl having fun but when everyone leaves and the door of the house closes and I'm left alone, then I would be eaten up by misery again.
I'm being eaten up alive by all of this that I'm beginning to wonder how long will it take before I completely fall to pieces.
Labels: alex, faking, pain, pieces, pink crimson
Medications for the Broken
12-02-2009 Wednesday
I realized today that the more I think about the situation I'm in, the more hopeless I'll feel and it gets me closer to a breakdown so before someone lock me up in an isolated bin for the lunatics, I need to get a hold of myself and try to keep the remaining pieces of me from falling apart. It's not an easy task but I gotta at least try for the sake of the little things that matter to me.
I have a few reasons that I can still think of to keep fighting and I know that as long as those reasons are good enough then I can focus on things that matter most. I'll live life like what I always used to. Live like it's my last day. Laugh out louder than anyone when someone cracked a good joke. I only have one life to live so I have to live it well.
As for the problems that I have, there's nothing I can do to not have it so I'll just let it bother me for awhile then move forward. I'm still at the point of my life where I needed to go out, go crazy, and just be merry. Life is too short to be goddamn boring and sulk, besides, everyone has to go through some tough situations, it's just a matter of when.
I always claim myself to be a tough cookie so I think now's the time for me to let that toughie out and hide the vulnerable me. I have to be strong and get through this. I'm gonna need my medications.... My daily does of strength... My gramma, my Alex, my Damien, my wonderful colleagues..etc etc....
Labels: alex, Damien, gramma, pieces, pink crimson, toughie
December Curse
12-01-2009 Tuesday
I was browsing through my old blog posts dated December of last year and I can't help but wonder if I'm really destined to be grieving every December of the year. Last year, I was heartbroken when Seifer died. This year, I owe a huge amount of money in the rehab for my mom's treatment, and I just discovered that my mom's sickness is for a lifetime.
And I also wonder, will I ever have a Happy New Year for real? And, will it get worse every year? I don't wanna know and I'm afraid to find out.
I remember reading a quote sent to me thru text and it says something about a strong people having the worst problems and how we should take it as a positive thing because having the worst trials in life means that God trusts you that much because He believes that you can overcome those trials. Yes, this could be it. This could be His test for me.
If that's the case, I'm praying so hard that He let me get through this because I'm starting to ran out of reasons to fight for what I know is right. I live each day trying to act like a normal 21 year old, trying to pretend that everything's fine, trying to say 'I'm ok' to people who asks how am I doing even though I want to scream that 'I'm not ok and I'll never be ok' to their faces.
I'm pretending to be strong because my gramma needs me. I can feel that she's on the verge of giving up as well. Yesterday, she found out that her brother is in the hospital due to a complication in the heart and I know that it worsen the pain she's already feeling inside.
I'm still holding on because I refuse to fall down. I'm just starting my life as a young adult and I know there's more to come. This is just the beginning. I can sense that things are gonna get worse before it gets better so I have to be prepared. This is war. This is a motherfucking war.
Labels: curse, december, hardship, pain, pink crimson, trial
