Gifts of the Season
12-20-2009 Sunday
My aunt still haven't forgotten to be the Santa this season. She invited us over at her house after I got off from work and I went there together with my gramma. She has a couple of things to give us. She's always like that every Christmas, she never forgets to give things to us. Well, she lives alone, she has no kids, she's so damn rich so where can she spend all those money?
She also invited my uncle (the father of my cousin) and we all had delicious lunch together. It was nice and the food is awesome. Of course, my aunt did the usual 'you're so fat you look like a pail of water(as opposed to the hourglass figure, I believe that's what she meant by that), you should stop eating too much' at me but I let it pass my ears. The food is so good to think worry about what I'll look like after eating a lot.
After eating, she started handing out the gifts and we started packing it all in plastic bags. She let us choose from a dozen San Miguel t shirts, which is something she usually gives out every December as well as calendars from San Miguel Corp. She has worked as a secretary for Cojuanco for almost a lifetime now and we're still enjoying the benefits of having her work there.
When we finished packing and chatting, my aunt drove us to the bus station and I was so tired for not having any sleep at all but I still manage to reach home awake. Traffic is a killer. Well, it's also the time of the month when the streets are packed with vendors, selling all sorts of things and people are everwhere joining the holiday rush.
Amidst the holiday rush and the hippity-hoppity happy atmosphere, I stand alone, watching every move of everyone around me, still wondering how these people can so goddamn happy when it's just another month and poor people are not getting any richer, happier maybe but richer, abosolutely no. I can be called the Grouch who will ruin holiday for these people but I don't care because this is what I really feel. I guess it's the fact that I'm really not that happy with the way things are going in my life so I have this feeling that if I'm not happy then no one deserves to feel happy.
Oh well, enough of this bitterness. To continue with my story, we reached the house a good 20 minutes after 6, considering the fact that we're near the house around 6. Traffic managed to kill 20 minutes of our time. I unpacked the things that we wrapped in plastic bags and began devouring in the material things given to us. Ok, a couple of new t-shirts, new bag, a new Celine Dion perfume and lots of San Miguel gift checks, these are the things that gave me a temporary joy for this day..uhmm..hurrah!
Energy is zero. Sleep is zero. Ok, I feel like I'm gonna pass out now so time to go to bed. Bye, dearly beloved blog readers. :)
Labels: aunt, gifts, gramma, holiday, paranaque, pink crimson
The Visit
12-14-2009 Monday
It has been three weeks now since my mom was admitted at the rehab in Pampanga and today's the day that they would allow visitations for her. My gramma is evidently excited because she got up earlier than she usually did and prepared everything. Me? I acted casually as if visiting your mom in a rehab is a very normal thing for a 21 year old girl.
My gramma's brother whom I call Papa Ben accompanied us as per my mom's request when she texted me a couple of days ago thru the rehab staff's cellphone. It's a good thing that we don't have to commute all the way to Pampanga since Papa Ben has a car. We left the house at 8 in the morning and the ride to Pampanga took us 2 and a half hours.
My mom saw us immediately when we passed by their dormitory. I was nervous because I was really expecting her to be the manic blabber that she was when she got there. Thankfully, she wasn't. She greeted us happily, hugged each one of us and cried, telling us that she wanted to go home already.
'Well, you did it to yourself' I thought to myself, not feeling any pity for her. Have I gone completely evil? Am I the most unwanted daughter now? I hope not.
We ate the packed lunch that my gramma vigorously prepared earlier. The wind was blowing softly against our faces as we eat. The place is calming, with the nice view of Mt. Arayat as our background. We talked and I was glad that she's talking about the usual things now unlike before when all she's able to talk about are repetition of senseless words. I munched on my meal happily, seeing her close to normal is definitely a relief.
I talked with the nurse and she said that my mom is good to go by January 24, exactly 2 months after her admission. I had mixed emotions about it. Well, of course it's good that she'll be released so that means I can start saving money again but I'm also worried about her being back home. i'm sure that by now, my gramma is not even thinking about taking her to the province. She would prefer my mom to be at home, where she can be taken care of by us. Me and my mom in the same house, after I grabbed her hair, almost pulling it it out of it's scalp and almost punching her? That doesn't look good.
Well, that gives me something to think about before she comes home.
Plan#1: Get an affordable rent to own house, live alone, and send them money every payday to support them.
Plan#2: Find my mom a very easy job once she's really well, so that she'll still be out of the house often.
Plan#3: Have a very long chat with my aunt and persuade her to let me stay with her and still keep my job to be able to give money to my family. Plan#2 seemed somehow impossible while Plan# 3 seemed next to impossible but I'm running out of options. I have less than 2 months to weigh these options and think it over carefully because I know that this decision will impact my life dramatically.
Labels: aunt, gramma, mother, pink crimson, Rehab. CLDRC
Fakin' It
10-19-2009 Monday
It all boils down to this: I'm not mistaken. The bitch really did fake her 'illness'. I am so pissed when she got home from the doctor and she's like, 'Oh they found nothin' wrong, I just have to take some pain reliever whenever my head would ache' and I'm like, 'did I hear you right? Nothing is wrong? After all the scan and dialysis they did to your motherfucking head, nothing is wrong??', wow, that's just great.
The bitch wasted a week trying to be sick instead of trying to find a job or trying to do the chores at home.I am waiting for something like, 'Oh they found a tumor in my head and I'm gonna die in a week or so'. Why do bitches have to live such a long, worthless lives? That's still a freaking mystery to me, aside from thinking how the fuck can she still go home safe, or how can she still wake up after hours and hours of sleep.
All I said to her is 'So you're not sick that's good to hear. Anything the doctor said you shouldn't do? Or anything you shouldn't eat? Are you not allowed to be tired or to perspire?' She said, 'I told you nothing's wrong so why would the doctor forbid me to do anything, what are you trying to say?' and I non-chalantly replied, 'Uhh, nothing..just wondering why you're still not doing anything, that's it'. I stood up, checked my image in the mirror and I left the house before the bitch could say anything else.
While riding the jeepney on my way to the bank to get the replacement ATM card, I'm still thinking about how the bitch can still live each day as if we have all the money in the world and she didn't need to work or start doing something.It's really irritating me to see her every fucking day doing nothing. I wouldn't have any problem with that if we have a maid to do all the chores at home or if we are filthy rich that we don't have to do anything to get whatever it is we wanted.But that's not the case in our household. We all have to do our fair share of hardwork and labor to be able to survive each day. We're the typical average family who has limited budget on everything, groceries, rent, bills and other stuff.
There are even times when we really have nothing left days before payday and that's the worst part because there's me and my gramma, whacking our brains just to come up with funds to help us get through till payday, all this while my bitch of a mother stares at the TV, indulging herself on another late night bullshit show. That's the biggest problem with that bitch. She could've cared less if we eat nothing as long as she don't miss an episode on her favorite TV shows.
Now that the results are in, and obviously she's not sick or dying, I'm back to my original plan of trying to find a room for rent, and if I can't before this week ends, then I have to go with my last option of staying with my perfectionist aunt for awhile.
Labels: aunt, BITCH. mother, daughter, pink crimson, rent
So Fucking Unwanted
10-01-2009 Thursday
All I wanted was to have a peaceful life at home, a retreat after a stressful night at work, a haven where I can truly be safe and free of any worries or any care in the world. Besides, that's what a home is supposed to be right? A nice, quiet little stone house where you are surrounded by simple people you call family, all's good and you have your own piece of pristine happiness. Sounds inviting, how I wish that's what I have at home.
Unfortunately, that's not the case at home. It's far from inviting if you consider going home to a mother who doesn't give a fuck and who lets her only daughter be the one to carry the burden for the family. I didn't ask her to immediately find a job because I know how hard it is, I only wanted to see her help at home. I've discussed that with her before and she knows that's what I hate about her. She seemed to change for a few days and do some house chores but after awhile she comes back to being a lazy-fuckin-ass who has decided that TV is a better companion.
I missed the days when it's just me and my gramma at home, there's no sight of my mother sleeping for more than 12 hours per day, there's no sight of her clothes bundled up in the bathroom waiting to be cleaned, I mean, just to have the need to wash her own clothes?! God. She lets my gramma do all of that. I help in the house chores once in a while but I can't do it all the time. I'm way too drained at work to do anything else.
I'm tired of all this. I don't want her at home anymore, I want her out, just anywhere but at home. If only I could tell that to her face, hey wait, I think I already did in one of our many fights. If I remember it right, she has told me that she'll just be the one to go if that's what I wanted. Why is she still here then? Fuck.
If she don't wanna leave, then it's time for me to be the fugitive again. I need to find another house to stay in for a couple of days. let's see my options. The boarding house where the bitches live (Alex), my aunt who's too strict, or ????? Looks like I don't have much of a choice. Nah, I'll figure it out.
Labels: aunt, daughter, HATE, mother, pink crimson
An Important Visit
09-20-2009 Sunday
As much as I would not like to face my aunt again, I have to because the money that I asked from my father was sent to her. I don't know why my father always makes sure that I don't get things easily. I've given him our exact address when he asked but still, he sent the money to his sister. That means I have to go out of my way just to visit my aunt who lives in Paranaque and on top of that I have to be prepared when my aunt grilled me about studying again, which is something I can't commit for now with all the bills to pay.
My aunt lives on this fabulous house in a private village where only rich people can afford to live. She's rich but she's on her own. No kids, no pets, no plans on having any of those. She has a lot of money for herself and she has always wanted me to live with her but I never considered that. She's strict and she's trying to mold me into something I'm not, something I don't want to be. I also know that she'll never approve me riding a motorcycle. I can just imagine her reaction if I tell her I have a motorcycle, I'm sure she'll turn whiter than what she is now and her hair will probably fall away one by one. Fine, no mentioning of any motorcycle. Lips sealed, check. Be the perfect niece, check. Ok, I'm ready.
I headed straight to Paranaque after my shift. Since today is a holiday, my aunt doesn't have work and I found her preparing a delicious meal in the kitchen. The usual greetings and all. Then, she started telling me about how my face looks fatter after cutting my hair short, how I walk like a guy, how my lipstick looks orange instead of red and so and so. Had I been the sensitive little girl before, I would be offended but I've come to learn that that's just how she is, and I simply laughed, brushing her comments aside. She's busy in the kitchen so before she could say anything else, I went to the sofa and watched TV while waiting for whatever it is she's cooking. It sure smelled heavenly and I was so hungry that I have to look around for food.
Looking for food in that house is not a difficult task. It's everywhere. There's a jar of cookies on the table beside the sofa. There's a box of assorted chocolates on the coffee table on my left and there's a basket that's overflowing with huge packs of Lays on the floor near the TV. I find it ironic how many fatty foods my aunt has in this house but she doesn't eat any of those. She's always on a diet. I had to sneak a couple of chocolates because I know she wouldn't like me eating chocolates minutes before lunchtime. That's just how strict she is.
A few minutes later, food was ready and we had lunch. My aunt asked me to stay for the night and I told her I don't have any clothes with me. I know that has never been a problem in this house and she confirmed that when she said she has a couple of clothes and undies for me. Oh well. Might as well stay and feel a luxurious but restricted life even for just a night.
I'm not new to staying with my aunt. When I was in high school, I used to stay with her during vacations. I'm pampered with lots of things, given money, but in return, I have to be the perfect niece which is really not me. She wanted me to wear this little mini skirts, sleeveless tops, high heels and all and I'm just not that girl. She doesn't like me wearing stuff that only boys wear like a loose t-shirt or a 3/4 shorts and she doesn't like the way I walk. I hated that before so I got tired of staying with her and I made lame excuses before on why I couldn't stay during high school vacations.
Now, I realized that maybe she only wanted me to be like her. Like I said, she doesn't have any kids so it's also sad that she doesn't have anyone who'll follow her footsteps. She has other nieces, of course, but they're already perfect girly girls so I think it also has something to do with me being the only difficult niece.
I stayed for the night and I have to endure hearing her tell me how fat I am, how ugly I walk, how imperfect my skin is, blah blah blah. When you hear the same things over and over, you eventually get used to it and that's what I felt. I become used to it and I laughed at every comment she has. I assured her I'll start to lose weight, I'll practice walking properly, everything I know she wanted to hear from me. There's a difference in telling people what you really feel and telling them what they want to hear, it all depends on the situation you're in. As far as my aunt is concerned, I always have to settle for the latter.
The topic of studying also came up but I am glad that she seemed to understand where I'm coming from when I explained to her about how much I need the job, how we got kicked out of the house and how many bills I have to take care of for now. She was quiet after I explained and I know, I just know..that she understood.
Anyway, all of it has paid off, literally. She gave me the money that my father sent me, along with an additional from her and my other aunt. She gave me a couple of new clothes, new sandals, lots of new stuff. I always get a lot of things after a visit to her that's why I have to deal with her, cause that's just how she is.
Labels: aunt, father, niece, pink crimson
