Staying Alive

12-04-2009 Friday

Alex stayed with me this evening and I'm glad he did. I've been having nightmares for some nights now. I kept on dreaming about the darkest days of my life even though it has been more than 2 weeks now, the pain and trauma is still vivid inside me and I know that it's something that will stay with me for a long time.

My gramma left earlier to visit her brother who's in the hospital for a heart surgery and I hate being left alone in the house that has witnessed how a family member breakdown. It holds way too many painful memories for me that I don't look at it the same way it used to be anymore.

Alex and I spent the night together, watching TV while eating hamburgers, junk food and almost anything we can get our hands on. There's no better way to shoo away those nightmares but to eat, indulge, and be a total pig.To be honest, I don't think he has any idea how I'm struggling hard to hold on to the remaining sanity I have. I looked like I'm coping well in front of him, but I've been doing a lot of faking lately that I'm starting to get used to it..and somehow I even forget what I really feel inside.

This is one of those nights when I'm finding the reasons to keep my life going. Like I always say, I can't give up so no matter how close I am to completely falling down, I'm trying to hold on to with every last ounce of strength I have left. As long as I still feel that I'm being loved, I guess there's still a better chance of me surviving. Love is all we need, right? I hope that's enough to mend shattered souls.

Surprisingly, I'm still alive in spite of feeling like I have nothing left inside me. Nothing to keep me whole. I feel like a walking skin with nothing but broken bones inside me. That's how weak I feel. I'm also surprised that I'm still able to stand up because if you ask me, I would prefer to dig a hole in the dirt, crawl down under, stay buried until my happily ever after comes, if it's ever gonna come.

It's painful. Alex can only do so much to help, well, he's not much of a help anyway since he wasn't there to help me get through those darkest days. He helps me forget temporarily but once he's gone, I'm back to being weak. When I have people, friends around me, I feel fine, I smile, I laugh, I looked like a simple happy girl having fun but when everyone leaves and the door of the house closes and I'm left alone, then I would be eaten up by misery again.

I'm being eaten up alive by all of this that I'm beginning to wonder how long will it take before I completely fall to pieces.

Labels: alex, faking, pain, pieces, pink crimson

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 4:57 AM