12-29-2009 Tuesday
I haven't had the time to join the holiday shopping rush which is something that I always enjoy doing but the recent changes in my schedule, not to mention uncalled for finances, made it impossible for me to catch up in the busiest time of the year. Good thing that today I finally find the time to do some shopping.
I hit the Robinson's Novaliches bazaar and found some really cheap deals on undies, shoes, and some new make-up. I hit the mall alone since Alex has work today and I really don't mind. Ever since we started over, I promised to myself that I'm gonna be fine when I'm alone, well of course, there are still some instances when I would see a couple at the mall walking together holding hands and I can't help but think that it'd be wonderful if I have Alex with me. At least he manages to text me and that's one thing that really matters to me when he's not around.
I treated myself to a grande Toffee Nut Frappuccino, my absolute Starbucks favorite that's only available for the holiday season so I have to make the most out of it while supplies last. Then, I went back to bargain hunting. It was a hot afternoon, not a good time to explore a tent-covered bazaar but it was worth it. I chose to go this afternoon because I plan to spend the rest of the remaining hours of the day watching the new DVD's I bought.
The moment I felt that I was sweating like a pig as I walk with my hands full of the items I bought, I decided it was time to go home. I plan to buy a gift for Alex, a perfume maybe, but I really felt my ass burning with the afternoon heat so I saved it for my next bargain hunting.
When I got home, I immediately popped the DVD I bought. It's not a new movie, it's a compilation of Friday the 13th movies that I never got the chance to watch. I thought it wasn't a nice movie but after researching the net, I realized I can give it a try. It's one of those films that has a lot of chapters that can get you confused if you don't watch all of it in chronological order.
I was able to finish the first two parts and lined up the rest for tomorrow since my eyes are starting to hurt from staring at the goddamn TV for more than 3 hours. My eyes does that to me lately and I can't complain much, I mean, this is probably what you get from facing the computer monitor for 10 hours a day 4 days a week.
So that wraps it up for this day, I gotta give my eyes some break away from anything that has something to do with what they call, radiation.
Labels: alex, Friday the 13th, holiday, pink crimson, shopping
Gifts of the Season
12-20-2009 Sunday
My aunt still haven't forgotten to be the Santa this season. She invited us over at her house after I got off from work and I went there together with my gramma. She has a couple of things to give us. She's always like that every Christmas, she never forgets to give things to us. Well, she lives alone, she has no kids, she's so damn rich so where can she spend all those money?
She also invited my uncle (the father of my cousin) and we all had delicious lunch together. It was nice and the food is awesome. Of course, my aunt did the usual 'you're so fat you look like a pail of water(as opposed to the hourglass figure, I believe that's what she meant by that), you should stop eating too much' at me but I let it pass my ears. The food is so good to think worry about what I'll look like after eating a lot.
After eating, she started handing out the gifts and we started packing it all in plastic bags. She let us choose from a dozen San Miguel t shirts, which is something she usually gives out every December as well as calendars from San Miguel Corp. She has worked as a secretary for Cojuanco for almost a lifetime now and we're still enjoying the benefits of having her work there.
When we finished packing and chatting, my aunt drove us to the bus station and I was so tired for not having any sleep at all but I still manage to reach home awake. Traffic is a killer. Well, it's also the time of the month when the streets are packed with vendors, selling all sorts of things and people are everwhere joining the holiday rush.
Amidst the holiday rush and the hippity-hoppity happy atmosphere, I stand alone, watching every move of everyone around me, still wondering how these people can so goddamn happy when it's just another month and poor people are not getting any richer, happier maybe but richer, abosolutely no. I can be called the Grouch who will ruin holiday for these people but I don't care because this is what I really feel. I guess it's the fact that I'm really not that happy with the way things are going in my life so I have this feeling that if I'm not happy then no one deserves to feel happy.
Oh well, enough of this bitterness. To continue with my story, we reached the house a good 20 minutes after 6, considering the fact that we're near the house around 6. Traffic managed to kill 20 minutes of our time. I unpacked the things that we wrapped in plastic bags and began devouring in the material things given to us. Ok, a couple of new t-shirts, new bag, a new Celine Dion perfume and lots of San Miguel gift checks, these are the things that gave me a temporary joy for this day..uhmm..hurrah!
Energy is zero. Sleep is zero. Ok, I feel like I'm gonna pass out now so time to go to bed. Bye, dearly beloved blog readers. :)
Labels: aunt, gifts, gramma, holiday, paranaque, pink crimson
All Around Me
12-18-2009 Friday
There's something about this time of the year that makes me wonder why is it that everyone seemed to be so in love with someone? Is it the jingling bells of the coming holiday season? Is it the perfect time of the year to love one another? I can't really tell but it saddens me to think that everyone seems to be happy to have their special someone beside them.
I see couples everywhere. When I ride the jeepney, I see couples holding hands, having a conversation as they stare into each other's eyes, obviously hypnotized and bitten by the love bug. When I walk in the streets, I see couple walking together, arms locked in each other, their bodies very near to keep warm against the cold weather. I stare into those couples for a moment, then I look away, feeling a slight twinge of bitterness inside me. Everyone so damn in love but me.
Love. It's a wonderful feeling especially at this time of the month. Everyone feels it except for me. I'm the cold cold heartless person who hugs myself, tells myself that I'm happy alone, and forces myself to believe in it. I'm really cursed to be gloomy every December. It started last year and now it's back again.
I feel so alone and I hold on to the very few things that matter to me so that I can get through this loneliness. The worst thing is, one of the most important person to me that I hold on to, seems to be so far away now. Alex, seemed so far. He hasn't made any effort to see me and it hurts to think that he seemed to be happy without me. I busied myself with work, I was able to reach my goals at work, salary is good, my stats are going up. I laugh with my colleagues but when I go home, I'm back to being alone and empty as if my achievements at work are not enough to make me feel whole inside. Something is still missing.
Everyone around me seemed jolly while I may look like I'm as jolly as them but truth is, pieces of myself are starting to fall apart, and I tried holding on but now, it feels like I've ran out of strength to keep on trying.
Labels: alex, happy, holiday, jolly, love, pink crimson
The Power of Written Words
12-07-2009 Monday
I'm currently busy writing a detailed letter about the tragic day of my mom's escape from reality. I plan to send it to someone who might be able to help us out with our situation once he read about what happened. Whoever that someone is, I don't plan to give out any details. A blog is still something that can be read by anyone who has access to the internet and it's still safer for me to not tell everything in this online journal of mine. Some things are still considered private and I plan to keep it that way.
Anyway, what I wanna talk about is how powerful writing is for me. While I was writing those things in paper awhile ago, I feel like I'm reliving the days, watching it all unfold in front of me. I remember everything clearly, in details, from the feelings I've felt to the faces of the people involved, even the face of the person who wasn't there when I needed him most. It's astounding how simply writing those things can bring back so many unwanted memories and for a second, I had a feeling that the nightmares will stop by to visit me later this evening when I'm in bed.
I even felt my hands that gripped the pen, tremble a bit from spilling out too many emotions on that one sheet of long white paper. I wasn't just writing the words, I was taken back to that day when everything was happening in slow motion. The pain, anger, hopelessness and fear are all coming back and I had to stop once in awhile to force myself to tear away from that dark memory.
I believe that the person I plan to send it to will also feel the array of emotions I had while writing that letter. I'm certain of that and I firmly believe that he will be able to help us out. He's one of the last hope that I wanted to cling to. He's one of the silver lining beyond the dark clouds. My only wish is that he'll receive the letter in time.
This timing couldn't be more ironically perfect for me. The month when almost everyone is jolly, merry and too fucking happy for the holiday seasons, I feel like I'm left alone carrying the weight of the world in my shoulders. Well, I know it's not just me. Some people's pain are greater than mine, some people's situation are worse so who am I to complain. I'm just one of the few that are chosen to grieve while everyone else laughs. Ironic as it may seem but it happens.
(HOPELESS DREAM)found it on the net. says it all.Labels: blogging, december, holiday, letter, pain, pink crimson
