Foolish with a capital 'F'

12-22-2009 Tuesday

I was foolish enough to take Alex back last night. All it takes was for him to have this teary eyed look on his face and kneel in front of me, begging me to give him one more chance. And there I was, taking him back. How can I be so weak when he does that to me? I said to myself before yesterday that no matter what he does to win me back, I'll never ever let my defenses down. If I have to fake it so bad, or lie to his face, I would do that, if that's what it takes for him to be completely gone.

In spite of me feeling so prepared to face him and tell him to get lost, the moment he embraced me, I felt like all reservations I have prepared came tumbling down. I was back to being vulnerable in front of him. I was back to wanting him, needing him and missing him so bad. I lost myself to him again. I was defenseless again.

Now that it's morning again, I felt like a fool for taking him back. I've felt like by doing that, it boosted his ego, he felt like he own me, that I can never get away from him. He was back to being the insensitive bastard when he left early in the morning, ignoring my pleas for him to leave the motorcycle to me because I'm gonna need it. He said it's still not working properly, and when I said that I'll be the one who will have it fixed, he ignored me. It's as if he needed it so bad, so he'd rather keep it for his own good.

He left, without much of a goodbye, or a kiss on the cheek or even a glance behind to see me, furious as hell and again, hurt. I felt like he's only using me. I felt like it's the motorcycle that he wanted, not me. That's the reason why he was able to come up with loads of cash when the motorcycle needs to be fixed but when it comes to me, he would always have lame excuses on why he has no money. Bullshit. The more he does this to me, the more angry I felt. I would just wait for all this anger to take over hoping that it will wash away all the love I still have for him.

I don't want to waste my time today in crying my eyes out just because I felt like I've been used up so badly so I decided to get out of bed early and face whatever lies ahead. The clock is ticking now and our relationship is ending. I feel sorry about it but if I let this relationship go on any longer then I don't think I'll ever find the right one for me. Someone out there is still waiting to find me. Someone out there is destined for me. Someone out there is just waiting for the right time to come out and give me all the love I deserve that I wasn't able to get.

Labels: alex, foolish, love, pink crimson, relationships

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 3:02 PM