Lonesome Asylum

04-22-2010 Thursday

Most of the time, what people see on the outside does not really define the inside. Like in my case, people see the usual me on the outside--outgoing, loudmouth and addicted to having fun. What they don't know is inside, I barely even know myself.

There's a lot of things I wanna say but I'm afraid that I can't force the right words out of my mouth. Hence, I stay quiet and hidden behind my mask. Maybe, I'm afraid, afraid to be misjudged or misunderstood, by the people I trust. Or maybe, I'm even afraid to trust people now.

I prefer to carry this burden alone, and it's not an easy task. My family is right behind me but I chose not to let them get involved. I brought this pain to myself so I have to deal with it alone. It's hard to be in too much pain, it is even harder when you're not able to talk about it to anyone. I end up talking to myself like a bitch gone insane.

That's why if you'll notice, I'm always on my blog. This is where I can pour my heart out and I wouldn't give a damn if somebody cares enough to read it. It's just here, a lonely asylum for the rejected. I figured that since I don't have anyone to talk to, I can talk to myself here without being too obvious that I'm slowly losing my mind.

You really want the truth? I'm not as tough as I pretend to be and I'm not ashamed of admitting it. I cry easily when I'm alone, I'm a sucker for romance, I'm afraid to fall in love like what I'm feeling right now, and after saying all this, you can all shake your head and wonder if I'm still the chick you thought you knew. Surprises? I'm full of that.

I'm thankful for being able to write what I feel, it sure helps lessen the heavy feeling of not being able to talk to someone about it. Aside from being afraid, I feel like the people that I've shared this problem with has done more than enough to help me and I can't keep on disturbing them with my problems. They might have their own problems to think about anyway.

So bottom line, I'm in this boat alone, trying to save myself, because no one's gonna do it for me...

Labels: blogging, burden, family, pink crimson

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 6:20 PM 0 Comments

Single for a Week

12-16-2009 Wednesday

Yep, it has been a week now and I still feel like I'm single. No going out for a date, or a stroll in the mall. No motorcycle parked outside our house. It's just me, this pc, the troubles lingering inside this house and the irritating noise of children playing outside.

Yesterday, Alex tried calling me a dozen times but I ignored it, well first, I still don't wanna talk to him and second, he's calling me at 2 o'clock in the freaking morning. In the afternoon, I did text him, asking him how he is to which he immediately replied, which is something new to him. He even asked on my whereabouts yesterday and I thought that the reason why he asked is because he will come to our house so we can talk. He didn't. He didn't say that he's gonna come anyway but I expected because of the way he asked me.

I waited the entire day for any signs of him but there was none. He didn't tell me what he was doing and I didn't bother to ask. I don't give a fuck anymore if he's somewhere kissing someone else's ass just to make money that is never used to pamper me. When he has money, he spends it for himself or for our motorcycle, okay that's fine with me but still, I'm half-expecting him to treat me or something.

Today, I woke up early. I checked my cellphone and there's another missed call from him again, at 4:00 in the morning. What is this guy up to? For three days now, he seems to be awake from 1 to 4 in the morning. There's nothing left for me to do but continue my life as it is and if he's gonna come, if he's gonna talk to me, then I'm willing to talk to him. I got tired of waiting for him. I am exhausted from too much failed expectations. The burden that I have now, feels like the weight of the world on my shoulders and I don't want anything that will add up to it.

Labels: alex, burden, expectations, love, pink crimson

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 5:29 PM 0 Comments