December Curse

12-01-2009 Tuesday

I was browsing through my old blog posts dated December of last year and I can't help but wonder if I'm really destined to be grieving every December of the year. Last year, I was heartbroken when Seifer died. This year, I owe a huge amount of money in the rehab for my mom's treatment, and I just discovered that my mom's sickness is for a lifetime.

And I also wonder, will I ever have a Happy New Year for real? And, will it get worse every year? I don't wanna know and I'm afraid to find out.

I remember reading a quote sent to me thru text and it says something about a strong people having the worst problems and how we should take it as a positive thing because having the worst trials in life means that God trusts you that much because He believes that you can overcome those trials. Yes, this could be it. This could be His test for me.

If that's the case, I'm praying so hard that He let me get through this because I'm starting to ran out of reasons to fight for what I know is right. I live each day trying to act like a normal 21 year old, trying to pretend that everything's fine, trying to say 'I'm ok' to people who asks how am I doing even though I want to scream that 'I'm not ok and I'll never be ok' to their faces.

I'm pretending to be strong because my gramma needs me. I can feel that she's on the verge of giving up as well. Yesterday, she found out that her brother is in the hospital due to a complication in the heart and I know that it worsen the pain she's already feeling inside.

I'm still holding on because I refuse to fall down. I'm just starting my life as a young adult and I know there's more to come. This is just the beginning. I can sense that things are gonna get worse before it gets better so I have to be prepared. This is war. This is a motherfucking war.

Labels: curse, december, hardship, pain, pink crimson, trial

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 4:28 AM