Dear Blogger
10-07-2010 Thursday
You have been a faithful wailing wall to me, serving me for almost two years. It had been a great ride, I definitely enjoyed every minute of it. You are a friend, and always will be, remember that.
However, I regret to say this, but I think I found a new love. Tis' the site they call Tumblr. Nothing against you my dear Blogger but it's just that, I found Tumblr a bit more...convenient for me, with it's direct application to Facebook, where I'm mostly lounging around. Sure I found a way to link this blog to my Facebook but all it does is convert my post to the notepad which is, as you can tell, not very pleasing to the eye compared to what Tumblr does, Besides, in a way, Tumblr is reminiscent of Twitter, a site I've also learned to explore recently.
Dear old friend Blogger, I could still visit you once in awhile. We can sit back and remember the good old days of me blogging on your precious page. From now on, most of my time is gonna be consumed with Tumblr, a new friend. Please don't be mad at me. You know it's not gonna work out if I'm liking something else.
Thank you for letting me share the important details of my life here. Thank you for letting me be a part of your growing site. I've closed a chapter of my life in here and I decided to start up a new one with Tumblr. New life. New webpage. New blog. That's how I wanted it to be.
Maybe someday we'll be together again... But for now, goodbye sweet Blogger.
Yours Truly,
Monica
P.S. Go create an application for Facebook! For Christ's sake! It's the bomb!
Labels: Blogger, blogging, goodbye, pink crimson, Tumblr
Will Update?
09-27-2010 Monday
Getting back on track in this blogging thing is not as easy as I thought it would be. I've forgotten one simple fact about myself. While I was not able to update, or write anything down, my mind goes on a hiatus and now that I desperately want to get on with my writing, there are cobwebs inside my brain that's keeping me from producing meaningful sentences. I wonder how long would I have to wait until my mind is completely working full time again...
But I badly needed to post something here. To keep it going. To record the highlights of my life. That's why even though I've mentioned that I don't intend on posting what I've previously prepared on my old notebook, I guess I have to post them to fill this lonely blog with words. In order to keep it going, in order for the few lovely people to, hopefully, keep reading...
Uhh. I have to find my notebook first.
Labels: blogging, change, life, notebook, pink crimson, update
Facing Reality
09-25-2010 Saturday
Believe it or not, I'm still here, still alive and kicking some good-mannered ass lately. While I was gone, I wrote some stuff on my trusty old notebook from high school, which I can't believe I still have, and I plan to copy them on my computers notepad once this thing starts working again.
So finally, my computer is resurrected. The motherboard fucked up so I have to buy a new one, thanks to my brother -from-another-mother Raymond, who helped me out in replacing the motherboard. He knows a lot about these computer hardware thingies, while I, on the other hand, is a total dummy when it comes to this. Of course, I know the basics--some softwares, installations, I can name some parts of the computer (the mouse and keyboard for example) but don't rely on me about technical specifications of the computer's hardware. Those are alien to me.
I remember when Raymond would ask me like, "Is your video card the built-in one?" and I would give him a blank stare and all I could say was, "The what is built in to why, how, when?" Then, he would just roll his eyes at me, "Never mind".
Anyway, he did help me out in choosing the right motherboard to buy. To make a long story short, I'm back to the online world of social networking sites, blogging, and other what-have-yous! Hurrah!
Now, about this blog, well, I'm terribly upset when I look at the calendar and notice how many days have passed and how many posts I've missed. I haven't moved from the last post which felt like ages ago. I've been busy, for one. Two, without my computer, I'm not in the right mood to write about anything.
Oh yeah. I did mention about the stuff that I've written right? All's well prepared. I'm only just gonna type 'em here, copy then paste on my site. Easy as that. Piece of cake. However, as I read what I've written, I realized there's no sense in posting them anymore. I have shared what I've gone through to my dearly beloved friends, some of them, I know, takes the time to be patient in reading my blogs.
They know what I'm supposed to not tell until...maybe.. I don't know when. Until maybe when my father knows about it? Yeah, as if that's gonna happen...
When I told them about it, I prepared myself for them to be surprised, like the reaction of my colleagues, but I didn't expect it to be the other way around. I was the one surprised. They kinda knew about it. Kinda, sort of, something that crosses their minds. So I asked, how'd they get the idea? 'On your blog?' Mario answered.
Dang! I rest my case. I'm not good with words. I made it all too obvious. I should've stayed mum and maybe talk about how I look, why my hair feels dry, what dress to wear, or maybe post LOTS (and I mean LOTS) of 'me' pictures in different angles and so on--that's what most girls are crazy about doing in their blogs, right? NAH. Not me, in another lifetime, maybe...
I think there's no use for that old notebook, after all....
Labels: announcement, blogging, friends, pink crimson
NO UPDATES
08-24-2010 Tuesday
Hey, it has been awhile.. Remember me? Remember this site?
If you're patiently waiting for an update, I'm terribly sorry, but it looks like it's not gonna happen anytime soon.
A lot of things has happened since the last time I copied and pasted from my notepad to this blog. I wanted to update everyone so bad it's just that for one thing, my computer is busted right now, second, I'm back home with my gramma (!) where the nearest internet cafe is a good 5 minute walk from our house, and third, I'm currently not in my best physical fitness to walk around.
When the time is right, I'll come back with my surprising news. I've turned a new chapter in my life and it's something I'm more than excited to share...at the right time.
Let me rest in peace for now.
Labels: blogging, new chapters, pink crimson, update
Sunday at Work
08-08-2010 Sunday
Working on a Sunday? Completely inhuman!
The outside of the office building looked anything but an office. I've been trying to forget what day is it today, hoping it would make me less bitter about having to go to work while everyone else is elsewhere probably getting some. However, the sight of ELJ building today screams
'It's Sunday!!'. There's not even a single soul outside the building unlike during weekdays when the narrow stairway up the building is filled with smoke inhaling individuals. Today, no one's around except for the trusty ELJ security guards.
Alex drove me to work, and when he stopped the motorcycle, he looked around and pointed out how empty the building is. I got off of the motorcycle, took a deep breath and was all like
'I know, it's Sunday remember I'm not supposed to be working!'. He smirked, I made a face.
Before I let him go, I blabbered non-stop about the stuff he can't afford to forget while I'm gone: My newly washed clothes hanging outside the boarding house, the food I left in the pot, his dirty laundry... I'm starting to sound like a mother nagging at his son for being irresponsible but heck, I don't want things to be messed up in our room while I'm gone. I need to go back home tomorrow when I get off from work. I need to get more things done.
When he left, I had doubts if he'll remember every reminder I told him. I'm in no mood to work today. I'm tired from washing my one week's worth of dirty clothes. Remember how I wished so bad that he did the laundry yesterday? Well, it didn't happen, the laundry bin is still about to explode. Not so surprising.
I feel lightheaded but it could be worse if I didn't get any sleep in the afternoon. Good thing I did. It rained the entire day. Alex didn't go anywhere, he stayed in the room with me and watched TV. I don't have much sleep last night, even during daytime.
We had a busy day yesterday, here's a quick rundown: He picked me up at Espana, I slept for 2 hours, woke up at 8:30, prepared breakfast for both of us, went to New World Laboratory, waited in line for 3 freaking hours, had an interesting lab test, then it was done and we waited for yet another hour for the result. We had lunch before going home, watched TV, I slept for one hour, then woke up again for my check-up at Chinese General Hospital.
To be fair with Alex, I'm glad he's with me the entire day. To me it looks like he's still trying to make it up to me, or maybe he's really starting to become a more responsible guy for me..whatever, I liked the way he's treating me recently. Oh and for the record, he picked me up from work for one straight week. I'm telling you, he sleeps like a log and he would never wake up as early as 4 in the morning even if his life depended on it. This is truly phenomenal. And I appreciate everything he's doing.
Even if he still ain't got no job yet, he frequently goes to the motorcycle shop of his friend to help out and earn some money, though it's not that much, I like the fact that he doesn't want to depend on me completely when it comes to our finances. That's a good sign now isn't it?
OK. I logged in at exactly 7:00. It is now 43 minutes after 9 and I still don't have a call. Alright, I think I'm gonna have to take back my words. Working on a Sunday isn't so bad if things are gonna go as smoothly as it is now. Ahh.. Getting paid while sitting down and blogging? Things couldn't get any better than this!
Labels: alex, blogging, NCO, pink crimson, sprint, Sunday, weekend, work
Setting Expectations
07-22-2010 Thursday
This is getting boring, I know.. Shall I go on?
See the thing is, I want to talk about different stuff, believe me. I could talk about the weather today, the calls I'm getting at work, the hot new billboard of Miss Famous someone in Edsa or whatever but it wouldn't make any sense because it doesn't concern my status in life. I created this blog to reflect my life, to rant, rave, say anything I wanna say or simply share what I feel like sharing and I'm sorry if the things I'm sharing seems to go on and on without any formal closures so I wouldn't be surprised if most of you don't have a better understanding of what's going on. Maybe it's also because of the things I'm holding back, the things I prefer to keep private. Again, I apologize.
When I look back on my previous posts, I see similarities, redundancy...it's all about this
*situation which is vague in every post, it's about Alex and me, it's about me debating against myself, my hate for my mom... These things are getting old. It's like a hot discussion before but now, it's getting kinda lame.
The weird thing is, no matter how lame it is, I continue talking about it. Am I confusing you already? Hold on, 'cause it gets worse... This topic is like a useless drug that I kept on overdosing myself with.
I might be asking the same questions over and over. I may sound like I'm going in circles with this. Well, to tell y'all honestly, tis' the truth, nothing else but the goddamn truth.
Now that I've set proper expectations, lemme go back to my boring topic, which is always about the same thing... Ready? Take a deep breath..and here we go:
'I'm sorry I couldn't make it home early.. I've been out all day, trying to find something that'll help me earn money. I don't want it like this, I don't wanna ask things from you. I know most of the time, you also don't have enough for yourself. Besides, we both need the money. Love, mahal na mahal po kita...' the long text message from Alex lowered down my blood pressure.
Before going to work, I was mad at him for not coming home early even though he promised he'll be back in time to drive me to church. I decided not to text him or say anything bad to him. I'll just do my thing here at work, then go home to my gramma tomorrow with no intentions of telling him about it.
But, that text. One long message from him woke me up and suddenly, I'm not mad at all. I never thought he actually thinks that way now. That's my dear old Alex. The one I fell in love with 1 year and 3 months ago. I barely recognized him. I think I've gotten used to the heartless Alex that he has become.
I replied with,
'That's fine, I'm not mad. I appreciate your effort. Thank you, love. Have you eaten dinner? Sleep early ok? I'll come home to gramma tomorrow but I'll be back the day after so we can celebrate your birthday...''Yep. Thank you din po love sayo..' I read his reply once. Then, read it again. What's he thanking me for? It doesn't sound like he's thanking me for understanding his situation neither does it sound like he's thanking me for the new bath soap I bought for us earlier today. So, really, what is that about?
I ignored it and just replied with
'Ok, I love you, good night.' but even after a few minutes of putting my cellphone back in my pocket, I'm still thinking what he really meant to say.
I wanna believe that he's changing back to the Alex I've known before but I don't want to keep my hopes up. If he's not gonna consider my religion, then, there's no hope of us ending up together for good no matter how perfect things seem to be right now, which is a complete disappointment.
After his birthday, I need to have the serious talk with him. It can no longer wait. We need to figure out things before everything gets more complicated than what I can handle.
Labels: alex, birthday, blogging, long post, pink crimson, relationships, topic
Lonesome Asylum
04-22-2010 Thursday
Most of the time, what people see on the outside does not really define the inside. Like in my case, people see the usual me on the outside--outgoing, loudmouth and addicted to having fun. What they don't know is inside, I barely even know myself.
There's a lot of things I wanna say but I'm afraid that I can't force the right words out of my mouth. Hence, I stay quiet and hidden behind my mask. Maybe, I'm afraid, afraid to be misjudged or misunderstood, by the people I trust. Or maybe, I'm even afraid to trust people now.
I prefer to carry this burden alone, and it's not an easy task. My family is right behind me but I chose not to let them get involved. I brought this pain to myself so I have to deal with it alone. It's hard to be in too much pain, it is even harder when you're not able to talk about it to anyone. I end up talking to myself like a bitch gone insane.
That's why if you'll notice, I'm always on my blog. This is where I can pour my heart out and I wouldn't give a damn if somebody cares enough to read it. It's just here, a lonely asylum for the rejected. I figured that since I don't have anyone to talk to, I can talk to myself here without being too obvious that I'm slowly losing my mind.
You really want the truth? I'm not as tough as I pretend to be and I'm not ashamed of admitting it. I cry easily when I'm alone, I'm a sucker for romance, I'm afraid to fall in love like what I'm feeling right now, and after saying all this, you can all shake your head and wonder if I'm still the chick you thought you knew. Surprises? I'm full of that.
I'm thankful for being able to write what I feel, it sure helps lessen the heavy feeling of not being able to talk to someone about it. Aside from being afraid, I feel like the people that I've shared this problem with has done more than enough to help me and I can't keep on disturbing them with my problems. They might have their own problems to think about anyway.
So bottom line, I'm in this boat alone, trying to save myself, because no one's gonna do it for me...
Labels: blogging, burden, family, pink crimson
The Power of Written Words
12-07-2009 Monday
I'm currently busy writing a detailed letter about the tragic day of my mom's escape from reality. I plan to send it to someone who might be able to help us out with our situation once he read about what happened. Whoever that someone is, I don't plan to give out any details. A blog is still something that can be read by anyone who has access to the internet and it's still safer for me to not tell everything in this online journal of mine. Some things are still considered private and I plan to keep it that way.
Anyway, what I wanna talk about is how powerful writing is for me. While I was writing those things in paper awhile ago, I feel like I'm reliving the days, watching it all unfold in front of me. I remember everything clearly, in details, from the feelings I've felt to the faces of the people involved, even the face of the person who wasn't there when I needed him most. It's astounding how simply writing those things can bring back so many unwanted memories and for a second, I had a feeling that the nightmares will stop by to visit me later this evening when I'm in bed.
I even felt my hands that gripped the pen, tremble a bit from spilling out too many emotions on that one sheet of long white paper. I wasn't just writing the words, I was taken back to that day when everything was happening in slow motion. The pain, anger, hopelessness and fear are all coming back and I had to stop once in awhile to force myself to tear away from that dark memory.
I believe that the person I plan to send it to will also feel the array of emotions I had while writing that letter. I'm certain of that and I firmly believe that he will be able to help us out. He's one of the last hope that I wanted to cling to. He's one of the silver lining beyond the dark clouds. My only wish is that he'll receive the letter in time.
This timing couldn't be more ironically perfect for me. The month when almost everyone is jolly, merry and too fucking happy for the holiday seasons, I feel like I'm left alone carrying the weight of the world in my shoulders. Well, I know it's not just me. Some people's pain are greater than mine, some people's situation are worse so who am I to complain. I'm just one of the few that are chosen to grieve while everyone else laughs. Ironic as it may seem but it happens.
(HOPELESS DREAM)found it on the net. says it all.Labels: blogging, december, holiday, letter, pain, pink crimson
Back to Being Boring..and some thoughts about Blogging..
06-15-2009 Monday
For some reasons, I have mixed-up emotions about going back to work after a long vacation. I'm worried about selling because I might've forgotten my selling skills during my hibernation period. Later, I will be back to be the boring, workaholic Monica (a name, if you're not yet aware, I'm known over the phone when I talk to dozens of Americans at work) and say bye bye to the lazy ass Pusa (a name I'm known here) who gets to sleep for 12 fucking hours, straight. Sure I'll miss being a sloth but at the same time, I'm anxious to go back to work, hit my goals and get this month's commission. Oh well, gotta keep the fire of anticipation burning to brush off any negativity that could distract me later.
y
Here I am this afternoon typing on this computer (time check: 1:11pm) while everyone around me sleeps, when I say everyone, I meant my grandmother who's sprawled on the floor beside the computer table, my dog Damien, blocking our front door and my cats Natalie and Lena curled up in a chair (my other cat Shelby is nowhere to be found). As you can tell, I'm the only living thing awake right now, that's because I just woke up not more than 2 hours ago, haha.
I have nothing to update that might interest you, besides I don't post blog updates for all you readers sake (if there's any. Hmm *glances at the Hits Counter), it's more for my own sake. Writing has been my way of exorcising my personal demons that haunt me from time to time. I can say that I've left my rebellion days behind but there are still times when I lose my mind and I do some fucked-up things, things I'd rather not talk about. Besides, I'm sure that everyone is guilty of doing things that we're not supposed to, right? When it comes to regrets, I have a lot but I choose not to dwell on those things and just move forward.
When I write, I don't just write, I cut a piece of myself and put it into words. I use this blog to express some random thoughts, share some of my opinions on certain things, or simply release my pent-up emotions. Also, I look at it as an interactive way of keeping track of everything that's happening in my life. Something that I can simply click if I want to visit the past, if I want to be reminded of what I used to be or how I dealt with a certain bullshit I encountered. I used to keep diaries when I was younger and there's this heaping pile of notebooks labeled as 'diary' stashed under my bed but when I realized how much space it consumes, I thought an online journal wouldn't be so bad.
I've been browsing blogs of random people recently and to be honest, I am disappointed. All I read are rants about some stupid shitty nonsense, complaints about how ugly they looked but when you scroll down, you see a big photo of them in their most glamorous pose, complaints about how their life sucked just because they couldn't fix their hair right. Nonsense, crappy, random bullshits.
Most people think that being a controversial attention whore will get others to be interested in your blog. What the fuck is that about? You put up a blog, if people liked it, they'll visit it, if not, who gives a fuck? You don't even have to be such a big baby and post about how you feel that life is unfair because no one seemed to visit your blog. Un-fucking-believable.
How can some people claim that life is unfair to them today when in fact life has been unfair even before they sprouted into this earth? No one has the right to complain, anyway. Everyone undergoes a certain bullshit in their lives so don't you ever claim, for one second, that the burden you have is heavier than what others carry on their shoulders. Take a good look around you to see that there are people around your age who lives under a footbridge and barely eats a full 3 meal a day. What's even more mind-boggling to me is the fact that, ironically, the people who has good looks, clear complexion, nice hair, a trim body and a decent house to live in are the same exact people who complain a lot and claim that life is unfair to them.
Complaining will get you nowhere so if I were you, I'll think of something better to write, or just crawl to a hole and sulk for eternity.
Or better yet, start digging up your own grave. Life sucks for you, right? Try meeting up with Death.
Labels: blogging, pink crimson, rants, work
