Indebted To

07-27-2010 Tuesday

Can someone give me a profound answer to this question: If your indebted to someone, what do you need to do to fully return the favor? Or how long do you have to keep on repaying before you can completely say that your debt has been paid off?

I'm trying to remember the reasons why I agreed to live in the same house where the Fat Bitch and Lesbo Bitch live when all I wanna do is to take Alex as far away from them as possible. First reason I could remember is that we need to move out as soon as possible and it's always hard to find an available room in Manila. Second was since Alex knew them, we weren't required to pay a few months advance or deposit, we just paid the flat one month rate upon moving in. Third was I really don't have any other option at that time.

Even though it's mostly against my will to live with the bitches, I realized I really don't have any choice. I fortified myself with the thought that I wouldn't see much of them anyway since the room we rented is downstairs and they live in the noisy, hellish room upstairs. It didn't turn out as bad as I thought it would be, actually, it's not bad at all, considering that I've lived there for 2 months now and it's very seldom that those bitches irritate me.

However, that seldom wave of irritation is a hell of a headache for me. In most cases, it even starts an argument between me and Alex. It sucks when our relationship is going smoothly, we're both happy and everything when suddenly, one stupid request from either Fat Bitch or Lesbo Bitch would ruin everything. How does it work?

Here's how: (When I explain this, I'm sure you'll understand my question in the beginning of this post)

As you all know (well, some might not, but whatever....), this bitches kind of adopted Alex. He has lived with them for years without paying a single dime. In exchange of that, he does whatever they ask him to; drive me to this place, go there, buy this, buy that...well yeah, you get the picture. I thought that since I'm living with him and we're paying the rent, they would STOP asking him favors because technically, he's no longer their adopted slave, he's now one of the boarders who pay them monthly.

I am so wrong. I've forgotten one simple fact of life: When you're indebted to someone (especially if the someone happens to be an overbearing bitch), you're bounded with them for the rest of your miserable life. Since it's not money we're talking about here, how do we count the payback? Or is it gonna be an endless payback?

Seems like that's the case with Alex and those bitches. He can't get away from them. He's still binded. That's becoming the subject of most of our petty quarrels that would turn to serious arguments.

Like today, I am so mad at him for not saying no to the big fat bitch who asked him to drive them to the mall when in fact, he's very much aware that he has to drive me to work. What is that about? He's still doing those bitches favors that would mean he's gonna have to put them first before me? Why is that? Can't he say NO even for once?

Ok, maybe there was a time that he has refused to do something. But now, I'm expecting him to say NO more often because he's no longer their slave. He's paying a goddamn rent every fucking month and if they want someone to drive for them, then ask someone else, someone who would be willing to be a slave for them. Why would they even have an owner type jeep in the first place if none of them knows how to drive, for crissake?

The bitch has asked Alex to drive them to SM Centerpoint. I imagine he wouldn't wanna stay in the owner to wait for them so most likely, he'll be joining the bitch and her snotty little bastard of a son, for a quick stroll in the mall. Wow, sounds like fun! He'll be there in the mall, hanging out with the opportunistic bitch while I have to commute my way to work. Great.

I left the house mad. And he was mad too. He thought I was acting difficult. Well, maybe I was, but I think he's acting like a guy without any balls. If it has happened before, I would understand him because he doesn't have any choice but to obey, but now, the thing I don't understand is why are they still asking him favors every once in a while? It's affecting us. It's affecting our planned schedules and such. Shouldn't he be done with those stupid favors because he is paying them money now?

The answer to all this question is Indebted To. Stupid fucking word that goes beyond definitions.

So now, can anyone answer my very first question? The best answer will win an exclusive prize from me: I'll do you a favor. Any favor. Fair enough? Haha, I'm being sarcastic, you shmucks. I'm still pissed so yeah, gotta go before I say anything worse... poof*

Labels: alex, bitches, Blumentritt, boarding house, favors, indebted to, lesbo, pink crimson

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 4:49 AM 0 Comments

Unexpected Words

07-26-2010 Monday

Do you trust a drunk person's words? I've often heard that when a person is drunk, they would usually tell the truth, the things they couldn't say when they are sober. Being drunk gives them this kind of courage to let it all out, and in the morning, after the headache has been washed away, they either deny they said such things or they deny telling that much.

Like what happened to Alex last night. They had another drinking session with the guys from our neighborhood. I let him drink all he want, it's better than letting him drive to Macapagal to watch a scheduled race, according to a text from his friend who invited him.

I was glad that he asked for my permission if I'll allow him to watch the race. I said no, and when his friend called him, I was looking at him as he talked to his friend about me not letting him go. I felt good hearing him admit to his friend that he's not going because I won't let him and he did not sound embarrassed about it at all.

The guys from our neighborhood wanted to get a goodnight's sleep after an entire day of hard work, and what better way to lull them to sleep? Two words: Drink beer. I don't know why does it work that way for guys. When I was an active alcoholic before, I drink beer when I wanna party like crazy all night long, it doesn't work for me trying to sleep in the evening, unless I've only had an hour or two of sleep, then I would fall asleep drunk but that rarely happens before.

Anyway, they ordered a couple bottles of beer, arranged their seats, and started talking about different things, some make sense, while most don't. Well, they're just being boys, in my opinion.

I stayed outside, listening to their conversations until I become sleepy. When I realized my eyes were already closing by themselves, I stood up, told Alex not to stay up late, and headed to our room to get some sleep.

I thought I was dreaming when I felt him lie down beside me.

"Love love love love love??" he whispered softly against my ear.

I didn't bother opening my eyes, I mumbled indistinctly in reply.

"Love love love love love??" he repeated, chanting.

"Whut?..."

"My wife is so pretty, pretty. Do you know I love you so much even if you always pick a fight wit' me?" he said, combing his hands through my now short hair.

I thought I'm not hearing things right. I may be half asleep and half awake at that time so I can't really trust my judgment. I didn't say anything, I stayed mum and listened.

"Do you love me, love love love?" he asked, his voice soft and warm.

"Mmm-hmm.." I mumbled my 'yes'.

"I love you so so so much, love love love. You do know it, right? Don't leave me please... You're my life, you're my pretty pretty wife. I love you." the sincerity in his voice was evident and I can tell it even without looking directly into his eyes.

I don't know what to say. I was awakened by his words. I wanted to turn around, to face him and confirm if he really mean everything he's saying. After all that I've been through with him, will I believe him now? I thought the Alex that has loved me like that before is long gone? Does that mean he's resurfacing?

It makes me wonder, if he's the same heartless Alex who has showed me he can live without me and confessed that he loves me less today than he did yesterday? Does this mean that I'm able to accomplish my goal of making him fall for me again during these times we're spending living together?

I told myself I still shouldn't keep my hopes up. If I fail, if we don't end up together, if my religion is still something he would deject and avoid like a plague, then it's no use hoping for a happy ending. I'll be hurt even more if things don't work out. I've stopped hoping a long time ago.

Maybe he's just drunk. Maybe in the morning he wouldn't remember a thing. Whatever. I don't wanna count on it. I've learned to hold back to avoid getting hurt. Tough, but it sometimes works.

I stayed quiet, waiting for him to say something else. After a few minutes, I heard him snoring like a pig. I went back to sleep. Maybe I'll get a better answer if I talk to him after his hangover. We'll see about that...

Labels: alcohol, alex, drunk, intoxicated, love, pink crimson, relationships

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 4:30 AM 0 Comments

Happy Birthday Love Love

07-24-2010 Saturday

Labels: alex, birthday, celebrate, cook, gramma, love, pink crimson, spaghetti

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 3:21 AM 0 Comments

Setting Expectations

07-22-2010 Thursday

This is getting boring, I know.. Shall I go on?

See the thing is, I want to talk about different stuff, believe me. I could talk about the weather today, the calls I'm getting at work, the hot new billboard of Miss Famous someone in Edsa or whatever but it wouldn't make any sense because it doesn't concern my status in life. I created this blog to reflect my life, to rant, rave, say anything I wanna say or simply share what I feel like sharing and I'm sorry if the things I'm sharing seems to go on and on without any formal closures so I wouldn't be surprised if most of you don't have a better understanding of what's going on. Maybe it's also because of the things I'm holding back, the things I prefer to keep private. Again, I apologize.

When I look back on my previous posts, I see similarities, redundancy...it's all about this *situation which is vague in every post, it's about Alex and me, it's about me debating against myself, my hate for my mom... These things are getting old. It's like a hot discussion before but now, it's getting kinda lame.

The weird thing is, no matter how lame it is, I continue talking about it. Am I confusing you already? Hold on, 'cause it gets worse... This topic is like a useless drug that I kept on overdosing myself with.

I might be asking the same questions over and over. I may sound like I'm going in circles with this. Well, to tell y'all honestly, tis' the truth, nothing else but the goddamn truth.

Now that I've set proper expectations, lemme go back to my boring topic, which is always about the same thing... Ready? Take a deep breath..and here we go:

'I'm sorry I couldn't make it home early.. I've been out all day, trying to find something that'll help me earn money. I don't want it like this, I don't wanna ask things from you. I know most of the time, you also don't have enough for yourself. Besides, we both need the money. Love, mahal na mahal po kita...' the long text message from Alex lowered down my blood pressure.

Before going to work, I was mad at him for not coming home early even though he promised he'll be back in time to drive me to church. I decided not to text him or say anything bad to him. I'll just do my thing here at work, then go home to my gramma tomorrow with no intentions of telling him about it.

But, that text. One long message from him woke me up and suddenly, I'm not mad at all. I never thought he actually thinks that way now. That's my dear old Alex. The one I fell in love with 1 year and 3 months ago. I barely recognized him. I think I've gotten used to the heartless Alex that he has become.

I replied with, 'That's fine, I'm not mad. I appreciate your effort. Thank you, love. Have you eaten dinner? Sleep early ok? I'll come home to gramma tomorrow but I'll be back the day after so we can celebrate your birthday...'

'Yep. Thank you din po love sayo..' I read his reply once. Then, read it again. What's he thanking me for? It doesn't sound like he's thanking me for understanding his situation neither does it sound like he's thanking me for the new bath soap I bought for us earlier today. So, really, what is that about?

I ignored it and just replied with 'Ok, I love you, good night.' but even after a few minutes of putting my cellphone back in my pocket, I'm still thinking what he really meant to say.

I wanna believe that he's changing back to the Alex I've known before but I don't want to keep my hopes up. If he's not gonna consider my religion, then, there's no hope of us ending up together for good no matter how perfect things seem to be right now, which is a complete disappointment.

After his birthday, I need to have the serious talk with him. It can no longer wait. We need to figure out things before everything gets more complicated than what I can handle.

Labels: alex, birthday, blogging, long post, pink crimson, relationships, topic

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 8:31 PM 0 Comments

Not Advisable

07-21-2010 Wednesday

For future reference, I took note of all the wrong things I did today. This is to also avoid any pending screw-ups in the future.

* Don't cry before going to sleep (especially if you're one of those creatures like me who sleeps in the morning and works at night). Aside from getting those ugly peepers when you wake up, it makes sleeping almost impossible.

* If you still haven't gotten enough sleep and you happen to wake up, feeling slightly hungry, ignore it. Your sleepless mind is probably playing tricks on you. Because if you do get up to eat, you'll realize you're not really hungry, and going back to sleep would be harder once you've loaded your stomach with carb-filled foods.

* As a follow-up to the aforementioned situation, don't take your prescribed vitamin or drug after eating. It'll take hours for those to take effect and when it does, you're even more screwed because you will fall asleep an hour or two before your alarm buzz. The result? More headache.

* Don't try getting s'more sleep on your way to work. You could be lucky not to miss the place where you need to get off but your headache is ten times worse.

I did all the wrong things today and now, sitting here at work, with my head throbbing, all I could wish for is lesser calls for this day. God please, I'm just not in the mood to argue with dumbass customers today. I don't even feel like talking!

My friends/colleagues are all talking beside me in between their calls and I'm trying to grasp what they're saying but I'm failing. My eyes felt heavy as if it's gonna close at any time. If I wasn't itching like a flea-infested dog earlier I would've never taken my anti-histamine medicine, that darn thing works like magic on the itch but it makes you feel really sleepy after taking it.

9:05 pm. I JUST logged in! 9 more hours to go!
OH WELL.

Labels: Advices, list, pink crimson, sleep, work

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 8:27 PM 0 Comments

Tough Times

07-18-2010 Sunday

Alex has been without a job for less than week but it feels like he's been without one for a month. The burden of having to shoulder everything financially is starting to sink in even though I damn well know that he's trying his best not to be a burden, I'm still wishing he could get a job as soon as he can.

My salary is not enough to support us both, I barely have enough money left to treat myself to something every payday, every penny that comes along my way is fixed on a budget for the rent, bills, food, transportation and everything in between. Ah, the life of a breadwinner. I've accepted this hard responsibility a long time ago, and I'm not the type who complains without a valid reason but things are way too much harder when you have a parent who don't wanna get up and find a job.

It sucks to be poor. It sucks to feel broke all the time. I don't pay much attention to how deprived I am financially but lately, the truth is being thrown right into my face. When I wanna buy something so bad, I force myself to say no. I have to pinch pennies just to make ends meet. It's not easy I tell you, especially if you're 21 years old, and you wanna make the most out of your young adult life.

Alex would sometimes tell me that I'm not doing myself a favor, that I'm always depriving myself or holding myself back from getting the things I really wanna buy, even if it's something useful for me. I always respond with a frown but inside my head, I know it's fact I'm trying to not think about because if I do think about that, I'll only pity myself.

I'm fine with being considered a cheapskate rather than being considered pityful. If I can make money in sharing my miserable life with other people then, I would be glad to share all my woes, frustrations, and misfortunes, but since I wouldn't gain anything in winning people's sympathy, then I would prefer to keep my mouth shut (if you'll notice, I don't tell all in this blog. It's very public, and I want some stuff to remain private).

It's such a bad time to lose a job. If it's bad enough for Alex, it's worse for me. Imagine me having to take care of all the finances while he doesn't have a job. The food, our stuff, the things we need to buy-- ohh shoot that reminds me, we still have lots of things on our 'Needed-to-Buy-Before-August-Ends' list. Damn damn dammit!

I ain't mad at him, it isn't his fault that he has terrible luck on a job. I remember prior to this job, he also got laid off from the previous one. It's not that he's not doing his job, trust me, he's losing his job for the oddest reasons--simple mistakes that is not likely for him to commit (remember the Fortuner - Revo incident? Ironically, he's an excellent driver. For his job at Sym, he happen to carry his forbidden cellphone and got caught. Ironically, he always leaves his cellphone in the little compartment of his motorcycle. One lousy mistake at a wrong time. Talk about having bad luck).

I talked to him about having a hard time coping with our financial needs. He said he knows how hard it is and he's desperate to get a job. I can see it on his face that he means it. I had to do a double take to make sure that I'm talking to my Alex. He looked and sounded more mature than he did months before. Will I begin to hope that he's actually changing to be a better person? Are we really growing up on each other's company? I sure hope so. Just pray I can hang in here 'till he finds his luck.

Labels: alex, breadwinner, finances, job, pink crimson, salary, work

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 8:24 PM 0 Comments

Home for the Weekend

07-16-2010 Friday

When I got off the jeepney, the first thing I saw was my gramma standing outside our house, looking out as if she's expecting me to be home even though I didn't tell her that I'm gonna be home for the weekend. I was smiling as I walked up the street towards our house, thinking that she already saw me. I was holding a big plastic bag that contained my one week worth of dirty clothes, a little something for my mom to wash since I couldn't find the time to do the laundry in the boarding house.

I greeted my gramma and she was completely caught off-guard as if I popped out of nowhere. "Didn't see you coming!" she said happily, taking the plastic bag from my hand.

"I thought you saw me" I said.

"No, I didn't. I was just standing here, I saw someone got off the jeepney but I didn't know that it was you." she was saying as we walked inside the house.

Damien saw me instantly and as always, he was wagging his tail like crazy, his butt swaying left and right. I ran to him and hugged the spoiled, furry, white dog.

It feels good to be home with my gramma in a good mood and my mom not acting like an emotionless statue. I saw her in the bathroom, filling up containers with water from the tap. I left my dirty clothes in the floor beside her, hoping she'll get the gist that I want her to do the laundry instead of having my gramma do it. If she didn't pick it up, I would be the one to wash my clothes, thankfully, she did. Good, no episode of uselessness for the day.

I went back to the room where my gramma was and thought it's time to share her the good news.

"I got the result from the 2D Echo." I began, smiling.

She immediately looked concerned. "What about it?"

"Well... The doctor said I'm as normal as I could get. He assured me I can get through this without any complications." I wanted to add, 'I'm gonna live, gramma! For real!' but I kept it to myself.

Her face lightened and I can see that she's so relieved to hear that I'm gonna be fine. "Good to hear that."

"But.. He said I still need to undergo a surgery in the future. I'll talk to dad about it, to ask for financial help."

"I'm sure he will help. He may not look like it, but he cares about you, always remember that." and I believed her when she told me that.

I remembered when my dad made the effort to call me a few weeks ago. It's something that I didn't bother posting in here, because it seemed irrevelant at that time. The conversation we've had was basically about my mom's nervous breakdown. I intend to tell him about my current situation but decided it might not be a good idea. He's my dad alright, but he has been a stranger ever since he left us. There was a time when I was so mad at him, when we've had some fights but it doesn't mean I knew more about him during those times when we used to have constant communication. Now, we rarely do. And if it wasn't for the fact that I'm gonna need some financial help, I wouldn't be reaching out to him in the first place. Meet my dad, the stranger. Tangled family ties. Sheesh, what a crazy life I have.

After a few more talks with gramma, we ate dinner then, I slept early. I had a good nights sleep. For a change, I dreamt of happy thoughts

Labels: 2D Echo, gramma, heart problem, home, mother, pink crimson, result

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 8:18 PM 0 Comments

Normal Day at Work

07-14-2010 Wednesday

For a change, work has been slightly pleasant for me. We have a long wait time in between calls unlike before when we can't even take a few seconds off of the phone to breathe. Now when I say 'long wait time', I mean 'looooong wait time' and I'm dead serious I couldn't even believe it myself. Maybe it's a slow time of the year for people to call Sales, maybe people are not just in the mood to call, whatever it is, I'm thankful they're not bothering me.

So while I'm sitting here, staring at the computer monitor, waiting for a call to come in, I'm thinking of what I'm gonna post for this day's blog entry. It's not that I really care about having a specific topic, I'm more concerned of which demon to release this time. You should know by now that this blog is a wailing wall, a collection of my personal demons, and anything-in-between about me. It's all me. At least this is not considered narcissism because I don't fill this with pictures of my dear old self. I ain't that fucked up yet.

Ok, so what boring story do I tell this time? Uhhm, it rained earlier? We don't have any electricity for more than 12 hours? The second storm of the year hit the country today? Nah. These stuff are all over the papers and news channels...

What else can I share today? Nothing much, really. Oh wait, here's one.

I got home and it's dark as a dungeon in there. I walked very slowly trying not to hit on anything or anyone in the house. My hands were outstretched as I search for the door of our room when it suddenly opened. I couldn't see his face but I can tell that Alex just woke up, even from the dark, I saw the strands of his hair in a disheveled mass.

I entered the room and closed the door. "Could you turn the light on?"

"Power's off. No electricity." he announced, stretching.

Darn the storm. Then, I remembered about bitching on him yesterday, the bad things I've said and how sad he is for losing his job. I put my bag down.

"Sorry." I said as I open my arms to hug him tight.

His shoulders slumped down as I enclosed my arms around him. That's all I could do to somehow make him feel better. I felt sorry for him. I felt shitty for myself. We hugged for a long moment. No words, only silence as I ran my hand through his hair, then on his back. I feel like it's the best thing to do to comfort him.

Too boring? He-he. Well, it's something meaningful for me. The fact that I connect to him like that means we're really doing good in our relationship. Makes me wish this could last longer...

Anyway, back to my day here at work. It is now 11:30, I logged in at 9:00, did Overtime from 7 to 8:30 and I only have 2 calls. Splendid! And today's my last day, I'll be on leave tomorrow.

I looked like shit, I only had a 3 hour sleep if I'm not mistaken. Damn that black-out. Hopefully, I'll get some good sleep tomorrow. Then, I plan on going home to gramma for the weekend to share her the good news about my 2D echo result. Happy happy happy. This is gonna be a good weekend. No need to dwell on the negativities.

Woops, it's getting busy here..have to go.... :D

Labels: alex, making it work, NCO, pink crimson, relationships, sprint, work

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 8:15 PM 0 Comments

Lost Too Soon

07-13-2010 Tuesday

Things that we say while we're mad are usually the words we ended up regretting when we've calmed down. We may try to take them back but the damage has been done. Makes you feel shitty, trust me.

See, I woke up mad because it's past 4 in the afternoon and Alex still wasn't home even though I asked him to come home early because my alarm clock might screw up and I might not wake up on time. I prepared the food on my own, ate, took a bath, got dressed and still, there was no sign of him. To top it all off, it was raining, and I knew even before I left the house that I'm gonna be wet inspite of having a trusty umbrella. The furious rain is one thing, flood is another, and this place in Blumentritt is known to flood easily.

Needless to say, I was enraged when I left the house. There's flood everywhere, and I managed to wet my shoes, along with my socks by the time I hopped on the jeepney. I looked pityful, I was worrying that I might not make it at the office early to render overtime. I badly need the hours, I badly need the additional pay and I felt like Alex didn't care about me, considering he did not even text to let me know that he wouldn't be home in time.

I pulled out my cellphone from my bag and began texting Alex endless hate messages about him not caring about me, not letting me know what his plans were, telling him how bad I feel about the whole thing and so on and so forth, yeah basically I was throwing a mean fit at him.

Halfway to the office, he finally replied, 'Where are you? I lost my job today that's why I couldn't go home early.'

Those words hit me. He must've felt so bad, I've seen how down he was the day before and I know how important his job is to him especially now that both of us needs it badly.

I don't know how to react. There he was, down, burned out, jobless and wet from the rain on his way home, while all I did was bitch on him thru my cellphone. I felt horrible. Looks like I'm not really doing a good job when it comes to being a supportive partner to him.

I replied with a brief sorry and asked if he has eaten dinner. He didn't sound mad after every hate messages that I've sent to him and that made me feel worse. I decided I'll just make it up to him tomorrow when I get home.

In the office, I couldn't help but worry about him losing his job. God, this isn't the right time for that. We've got bills to pay this coming 23rd, I've cooked the last of our rice earlier, we need to buy food on a daily basis, and the list goes on. I can't afford to shoulder all of that especially with the fact that my mother is a useless piece of stone in the house that wouldn't get a job. I count on Alex to help me out.

Is this the right time to pack up and go back home? Heck, I can't do that. I feel like he doesn't deserve to be left behind when he's feeling down and hopeless. I love him this much that if I will leave him eventually, I want him to be in a good state of being.

7:00 PM. I just logged in at work. And all I wanna do is log out, go home, and be with him. Can't wait for tomorrow to come....

Labels: alex, Blumentritt, job, pink crimson, relationships

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 8:12 PM 0 Comments

Good and Bad

07-12-2010 Monday

I have a good news while Alex has a not-so-good news today, I don't know where to begin. Right now, I'm really wondering why can't all things go smoothly even for one freaking day, you know what I'm trying to say? One day is all I'm asking for. One day to savor a moment of bliss and not worry about anything. I thought this is the day. Yeah, I guess it is, until Alex came home, looking beat up and worried.

I'll start with what he has to share for this day. If I'm gonna end this post, I might as well try to end it with something good, even if my day is really not.

I was awoken by a tickling touch on my toe. I opened my eyes and saw Alex at the foot of the bed. I grabbed my cellphone to check the time. Would you believe that, I overslept again. The alarm is already working on my cellphone, but somehow, I missed it. I must be too tired and sleepy that it's getting hard to wake me up with a loud screaming alarm. I plan to wake up at 4:30 to prepare food so we could eat before he drive me to work. It is already 10 minutes before 5 on my cellphone. Crap.

He lie down beside me. I noticed he looked like he's deep in thought. I waited for him to speak up.

After a sigh, he told me, "I have a problem.."I listened as he told me how he scratched two cars today. He was trying to park a Fortuner when he accidentally hit the Revo parked in front of it. It's nothing serious, it's not even considered 'hit', it's more of a slight bump on two vehicles but there's a minor scratch on both cars. Now, that's the problem. You know how expensive a cars maintenance is that even a simple paint job could cost an arm and a leg.

He said the management will still talk about it if he needs to pay for the cost, or if he'll get terminated immediately or, if they'll wait for his contract to end and not consider him for regularization. The third option is already gonna happen, anyway. He said they'll never consider him for regularization because of this incident. But he's most concerned about getting terminated immediately. I asked him how will he know, he said if he's no longer given a schedule by next week, then that's it.

While he's telling me about it, he was burying his face in my neck in between every pause, and he kept on hugging me. He looked so ashamed, so defeated that I pity him. I'm not mad at all. I know he's trying his best at work, I know he's doing it for us. I can tell that he felt bad because he did a major screw up and I tried to make him feel better by showing him that I'm not mad.

"You'll find another job. I'll help you, ok?" I said as I hugged him tightly.

I tried to look positive in front of him but a lot of things are already running inside my head. It's hard to get a job. It's even harder if you didn't go to college. What if he lose this job and he doesn't get one soon enough? August is the big month for us. Big when it comes to finances. I will be on leave for probably 2 months, without pay. I wouldn't count on my SSS benefit because it's not that much. I hope that at least they keep him in the company till his contract is up (September).

Alright, let's move on to the next news. No need to spend a long post about a bad stuff.

I went back to Philippine Heart Center earlier to follow up on my 2D Echo result. Waiting for that damn paper result took almost an hour. I couldn't believe it. The result wouldn't be available till after 3 business days and when you come back for it, of course you're expecting it to be ready and all so you can just swing by to pick it up. Turns out, that's not the case here.

One woman, who also came back for the result kept on bugging the volunteer in the Release Window about her result and the volunteer patiently told her over and over to calmly sit down and wait. I overheard the volunteer has told her they're still looking for it. Still looking for it?! Are you kidding me?! It made me wonder if they're looking for the results manually, like with merely human strength and knowledge? Whatever happened to computers, you type the patient's name, the results show, you locate the file folder where it's kept then, voila!

Anyway, after I got my result, I went upstairs to see the good ol' doctor who knows how to strike up a conversation (*think of my post about my first encounter with him). When my name was called, I entered his dungeon and handed him the results.

It's clearly indicated in there that I still have a congenital heart disease. After all these years, that small hole inside my heart did not cure itself afterall as opposed to what my previous doctor has told me, even though I can say that it has become smaller. Also, before they told me it's not something that would need an operation.

He studied the result for a minute or two, with his eyebrows crossed. After reading everything, he put it down, adjusted his glasses and looked up at me, "Well, you were born with it."

"Yep. My previous doctor told me it will heal in time. That the small hole would close, no operations needed."

He cleared his throat. "Let's ask the Radiologist who did this test." he picked up the phone, dialled a number and I heard him talk jargons and jargons of medical terms so before my mind explode from trying to understand, I looked out the window behind him and entertained myself in watching different vehicles speed along the highway below.

"Alright" he said after he hung up the phone. "You should not disregard this matter. Eventually, you have to undergo surgery. For now, you're fine, it's not affecting your health and most importantly, it's not gonna affect your *----" (*privacy! :D )

My head snapped up, "It won't?"

He nodded, and for the first time, I noticed that his smile is genuine and sympathetic. He's a good doctor afterall.

I wanted to be sure. "So, uhmm.. Uhh.. I'm normal..for now?"

"Yes, you can do it like a normal woman could." he handed me back my 2D echo result. "Just don't forget that after that, a couple of months or so, we'll still consider a surgery." that ended our appointment.

I thanked him for his time, and went on my way. I can't wait to tell my gramma about it. At least that would lessen her worries about my health. At least there's this one thing that we can both smile about inspite of our distance.

Heck, I can't afford the surgery but I'll worry about that later. What matters is I know that I'm gonna live longer..for the time being.

Labels: 2D Echo, bad, lab test, news, Philippine Heart Center, pink crimson, surgery

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 3:14 AM 0 Comments

Still Full of Hate

07-09-2010 Friday

Instead of being greeted by the smiling gramma who always looked so delighted in seeing me come home, I saw a sullen, weary-looking gramma walking around the house when I came home earlier this morning. My heart sank and I instantly knew that something was wrong. I bet it's about my mom even though she appeared sane as she played with Damien on the floor. There's always something wrong with her no matter how normal she looked on the outside, and I've always gotten the short end of the stick that's why I knew better.

I kicked my shoes off of my feet and put my bag down. I hugged Damien, who was wagging his tail and shaking his butt non-stop, undeniably happy to see me. I can hear my gramma talking aloud, she was saying "It's always me who does everything in this house, what will happen without me? Who will cook? Who will prepare the food?" she kept on walking around, holding a ladle in one hand, and a pot holder on the other, "Didn't even think that someone is gonne come home hungry. Didn't even bother waking up to prepare food. What will happen to the brain if it stopped working?"

It was about my mom alright. I thought she's already helping out in the house chores? The last time I was home, she even did the laundry and washed the dishes. What the fuck is going on again?

I'm beginning to take back what I said about me trying to love her and maybe appreciate her as my mother again. I'm also starting to realize that maybe she didn't really give a fuck about me or my gramma. Yeah, she acted like she cared a few weeks after she got out of the rehab, but now, months after, uhhh, almost 4 months after to be specific, she's nothing but a moving stone statue. Cold. Devoid of emotions. Empty.

My hate is rising back to the surface. I want her gone. I want her out of our lives, for good. If she'll continue caring less about my gramma having to do all the chores in the house then she might as well be sent back to the rehab, be locked up in a stinking room all by herself and be completely forgotten. I'm trying to be okay with her not having a job as long as she tries to help my gramma in the house. Besides, it'll better for her to do some physical work because she's always complaining about feeling weak, legs like jelly, arms hurting, fuck all those bullshit reasons! We've taken her to the doctor about those complaints, they did all the lab tests shit and guess what, nothing comes up! Nothing is freaking wrong with her fucking body system! Matter of fact, the doctor said it's fine for her to work!

What's that all about?! I was so mad earlier because I hate seeing my gramma tired from working and doing everything in the house. She was in the kitchen, preparing my breakfast when I talked to her. She calmed down while talking to me. She asked me how I'm doing, if I'm hungry, if it's okay that she has only prepared hotdogs for my breakfast. In spite of the weary eyes looking back at me, I can tell that she's still the gramma who cared a lot.

I have to think of something. Something that will make my mother snap back to the reality in front of her. It's July. By the end of August, I'll be on leave for a few months, without pay. How can we survive if I wouldn't get paid? She needs to have a fucking job. She needs to put the pieces of her back together for her own sake. God, it's been months after she was released from the rehab, and until now, she's acting like she needs to be sent back there for eternity.

I've thought of people, some of our relatives, that can maybe talk some sense into her empty mind. Anyone please help. It has to be the first option: Get someone to talk to her. If I have to ask her uncle, or my aunt, or anyone that can talk her, hell, I don't care if I have to go as far as asking my dad to call her just to make her realize that she fucking needs to get up on her feet for the sake of her mother and only daughter!

Seriously, if you'll ask me what my first option would be, I would say send her ass back to the rehab! She has become the type of person that doesn't make a difference in the world whether she exists or not. That's because she DOES NOTHING.

Maybe I will burn in hell for saying things like this but I can't help myself! I tried loving her again. We tried to understand her, to the point that my gramma and I have to make sacrifices. And what did she do after everything we've done for her? Nothing. The ungrateful bitch did nothing for us.

The one thing that bitch is good at? Flirting with different men. I've learned not to turn my cellphone on when I'm at home because if I don't and I happen to have some prepaid load, she would text these men she met on the internet. Then, when I leave the house, I would receive nasty messages from these men. I've told my gramma about it but I don't think she has confronted my mom in regards to that.

Okay, don't get me wrong, I'm fine with her having another guy, like, for real. I want her to find someone and get married again. Maybe that will make her forget about my dad once and for all. I just don't like her having different dudes at the same time. Mind you, these guys she's texting does not even include the one she has brought home before. I don't wanna say the word whore..but oh well..did I just say it?

I am officially the hateful daughter. If this is all too much to take, you can now leave and ban this site for fear of any negative influence on an innocent mind. I'm just so tired of her being full of shit.

This situation gives me another headache. I've been thinking a lot of things lately that I sometimes feel like my head is gonna explode. When will all this problem end? I want a peaceful life, that's all I'm askin' for, why is it so hard to get? Either give me an answer or a gun to shoot the people I hate.

Labels: ANGER, bitch, daughter, gramma, HATE, pink crimson, useless bitch

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 7:05 AM 0 Comments

Ways to Keep Him

07-06-2010 Tuesday

Ok, before the long serious talk I plan to have with Alex, I figured I will first work on keeping our relationship on a good status. If this works out or not, at least there will be no more room for bitterness or regret, I did what I can do to make it last. At least he can remember me as the girl who cared and loved him for real. *Sappy alert! Ahhh!!

How does it work? Well, let's see, I listed down some of the things a girl can do that I think would make the relationship work. Note: It is proven for me, I don't know about you but it wouldn't hurt to try, would it?

1.) Always say the magic words. Say 'I love you', 'I miss you', 'take care', at least two or three times a day. Sure action speaks louder than words, but oftentimes, they still need to hear the words being spoken out loud.

2.) Appreciate him on a job well done. Whether it is as simple as being able to clean a room up, or fix an equipment in the house, always commend him for doing a neat job. It'll boost their self-esteem and make them want to do even better things.

3.) Compliment him. It'll be a good ego booster. This t-shirt makes him look sexier? Tell him. His new haircut brings out the softness of his face? Let him know. I've read somewhere that 'a compliment falls lightly, but it carries weight', believe in that.

4.) Never rub his mistakes to his face. I should've been more careful before when I was blaming him for everything. Boys are aware of their wrongdoings, and believe it or not, they eventually come to the realization that they need to correct their own mistakes. Let them figure it out on their own. Tell him what he did wrong in a manner that is not degrading to him as a person. I did that before and until now, I'm regretting it.

5.) Cook for him. This is an old, overused cliche but they always say that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Know why? Because they love to eat! Don't worry, you don't have to be the best cook around, as long as it's something he can digest and it's well-prepared, that's enough to make him appreciate you being around.

6.) Be more sensitive to his feelings. Even if you just think that you've hurt him, you probably had, so say you're sorry. Guys could be more sensitive than girls, it's just that they always hide their feelings. He could still be smiling but you'll never know.

There. That's all I could think of for now. I know there's more that I haven't mentioned but these are some of the most important for me. I can see how he's changing slowly. I no longer encounter the cold and heartless Alex. He's more understanding and patient with me. Even though I still throw a fit sometimes, he's still calm and he doesn't get mad.

I'm hoping that we can stay this way for a long long time...

Labels: alex, change, making it work, pink crimson, relationships

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 7:04 AM 0 Comments

Right Time

07-06-2010 Tuesday

Finding the right time to tell him is harder than I thought it would be. The hardest is figuring out what to say exactly, word per word to make him understand that the one thing getting in the way of our relationship is back to haunt us. When I left home and decided to stay with him, it doesn't mean that the problem is gone because I ran away from it, it's still there, right where I left it, until the time comes that it needs to follow me. Unfortunately, looks like now is the time.

I still don't know how I'll go about telling him, where do I start? Oh and wait, why am I so scared anyway? If his decision is still a big fat NO, then I might as well consider everything we've had as null. Zippo. Nothing follows after it. I shouldn't be so sad actually by now, I should've braced myself for the worse. Besides, I'm so looking forward to going back home, aren't I? Yeah, but still, please don't blame me for being sad about having to give him up, it has been too long of a journey, too many memories that just the mere thought of letting it all go is heartbreaking.

We happened to have a schedule that doesn't really conflict, which to me is working out fine. He works from 6am-3pm, so when I go home, he's no longer there, that means I have the bed to myself and I can sleep well. I count on him to wake me up when he get home since the alarm on my cellphone is unreliable. And of course, the best thing is that he's able to drive me to work which means I'm saving money on my fare.

Even with that good schedule, I can't find the time to ask him to sit down and have the serious talk. I can't find the time, and courage maybe? I don't know. Whenever I would come up to him, I find myself unable to find the right words to say.

I know this matter couldn't wait any longer but I'm begging for a miracle for him to change his mind. I'm hoping that the time we've spent together is enough to make him realize that this relationship could work if we'll try to bridge our gap, our ONLY gap, which is our religion differences.

Okay, eventually, I'll find the right time. We need to talk, soon. Wish me luck on this.

Labels: alex, gap, pink crimson, relationships, religion, right time

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 7:03 AM 0 Comments

A Day at PHC

07-04-2010 Sunday

Spending an entire day at a hospital is probably not on your list of 'things to do during a vacation leave', neither did I want that but what choice do I have? This is the only day I have to see a cardiologist so I made the most out of it.

For those of you whose not yet aware, I'll share this one fact about my health: I'm born with a congenital heart problem. My last check-up was eons ago, since in my case, there's really no need for constant check up unless there's gonna be a major change in my body system which is something that I'm experiencing now so I need to make sure I'll be able to live longer, without any health complications in the future.

Before going to Philippine Heart Center, I've thought of what I'm going to say to the cardiologist to make it look like I'm not aware of my heart problem, and to make him request a 2D-echo test for me. See the problem is, I've tried many times to get my 2D-echo approved to be covered by Medicard, a healthcare benefit that I have thru my company, but they kept on declining it because they don't cover a pre-existing sickness. My colleagues told me I shouldn't declare it on my next check-up, so that's what I did today.

My doctor is this old man with thinning grey hair, whom I first thought was the quiet grandpa type but he proved me first impressions aren't always accurate. I sat on the chair in front of his desk, with my hands nervously placed on my lap. He was shuffling these papers on his desk, mumbling to himself without looking up. When he finally did, he met my gaze and began to speak, "You know, young lady, lemme share you something since you're here and I just feel like sharing it.."

I tried hiding my confusion with a polite smile and nod.

He showed me the papers in his hand, "Look at this," he pointed his wrinkled finger on the fine print, "This is Blue Cross' previous rate on basic hospital services; Check-up P450, Blah blah P600, blah blah Pxx"

I kept on nodding but I'm seriously not understanding what he's getting at.

He flipped the next page, "Now, this is recently signed and approved by the hospital director, Blue Cross has lowered their coverage; Check-up at P300?!" he grunted loudly, "This makes the medicine career a prostitution!" he put the papers down, "You know we don't earn much out of HMO, these darn affiliations don't really help us that much.."

I think I'm trying to grasp his point, I thought to myself, 'Hey, my card is HMO, what's that supposed to mean?!'

He began gathering the papers and kept it in his drawer, "But I know the times are hard these days so we gotta help in any way we can, right?"

"Yeah..." I wanna say, 'Can we just get to the reason of why I'm here in the first place?'

He closed his drawer and grabbed my health record that I filled up a few minutes ago, "Alright, let's get down to business."

'Finally.' I thought as I adjusted myself in the chair.

A few questions. My scripted reply. A stethoscope against my chest, breathe in, breathe out. He said he couldn't hear anything wrong in my heartbeat. Then, he finally said the magic words, "I'll request a 2D-echo for you so we can see what's wrong." he pulled out a fresh sheet of paper, wrote down the much needed request and handed it to me, "Bring me back the result on your next check-up, I'll see you in a week."

I took the request sheet, thanked him and left the room. I was guided to the doctor's secretary and I showed her the request sheet. She asked me to sit down, I did and I listened while she called Medicard for approval. I began shuffling my feet in the chair, uh-oh, I wonder if Medicard keeps a record of previous inquiries about patient requests, I hoped to God they don't or I'm doomed to be declined of being covered for 2D-echo again.

The secretary finally hang up the phone, handed me back the sheet and said, "Proceed to the Laboratory Room in the Ground floor."

I gladly thanked her and went on my way. Hah! Covered!

The wait for my 2D-echo test was the longest. When I handed my request sheet to the nurse in charge, he mentioned that the line is awfully long and asked me if I'm willing to wait. I wanted to say, 'How long are we talking about?' but decided that since I'm already here, I might as well wait, so I said "Yes, that's fine." He lined up my paper along with the other patients and said, "Your name will be called, go take your lunch first."

I had lunch at a nearby McD's then went back an hour later. I checked with the nurse if my name has been called and he said no. "You're no. 28, we're serving no. 18."

I decided I'll just stick around to wait and boy, did I wait?! I was back by 12:30 and my name was called at around 3:30! So if you'll include my 1 hour lunch, my wait time is almost 4 freaking hours?! Oh well. I found out from other patients that the 2D-echo costs P4,000 and being exempted from paying that is enough for me not to feel so bad about waiting.

The result wouldn't be in 'till the next 3 business days or I could just get it on my next doctor's appointment. Good. I left Philippine Heart Center feeling good that I was able to accomplish what I came here for and most importantly, by next week, I'll know if I'm gonna live healthily ever after...

Labels: 2D Echo, healthcare, heart problem, Medical, Medicard, Philippine Heart Center, pink crimson

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 6:59 AM 0 Comments

It's Decision Time

07-03-2010 Saturday

What I expected to be a long talk turned out to be a very brief one, didn't even last half an hour. Actually, it's not much of a conversation because all I did was listen while they talk, it looked like an orientation more than anything. I know what to say, know what to answer to every question that they have, but I can't seem to bring myself to speak out, I just sat there, all ears on them, nodding yes or no to easy questions.

This is the part when they needed me to make the decision. It's either my religion or Alex. The answer is easy, my religion of course, however, a very big part of me still wishes to have both. Maybe I can still convince Alex, maybe I can still talk to him about it, if I will just stay calm, not raise my voice and be patient with him, maybe I can bring him to say yes to me.

They asked me if I still have a constant communication with Alex. I dropped a big fat lie of no. They asked me where am I staying, I dropped another big fat lie of staying with my gramma's brother. The more I lie, the harder it is to tell them that 'hey I'm choosing my religion over him, just give me time because I still wanna convince him to try again.' Easy words to say but I can't force them out of my mouth.

Ka Ric told me that if I really wanted to make Alex convert then I all I have to do is continously pray for that and it'll work out fine. What I couldn't tell him is that I've been praying for it for months but there's still no answer until now. I couldn't tell him because I'm afraid he might say, 'well, then, if God's not answering it, could it be that he's not really the one meant for you? Maybe there's somebody else out there. Maybe you need to forget him and just move on..' Funny how I'm filled with If's, but's, and maybe's lately.

They gave me one week to talk to Alex and then, I can tell them my decision. I said that's fine even though in the back of my mind, I'm calculating how short one week is going to be. It'll ruin what I plan to do. I don't intend to bring up the talks of religion until my dear sweet revenge is born. He might be aware of his responsibility by now but I think he still doesn't fully understand the gravity of what he'll be carrying in his shoulders, because seriously, neither do I. We can both say we're prepared but when that time comes, we can never tell.

One week. When I go back home next weekend, I have to have a decision already. I should've talked to Alex and we should've come up with something on how it's gonna work for both of us. It's happening all too soon and I'm blaming myself again because I didn't hid well.

When I ask my gramma how they found out, she said that they were seeing me, noticing the changes in me..that is it! They come to that conclusion already?! It's my fault, I should've dealt with my homesickness alone rather than frequently visiting home not thinking that some people has a keen eye on some little changes in a woman's body. Since when did they become masters of the human anatomy? Argh.

I left the house with my mind lost in thoughts. How do I tell Alex? What will he say? Will he still be like before and say things that's gonna hurt me? Will he confront me and diss my religion again?

Oh and by the way, why do things have to be this hard?

Labels: alex, decisions, homesick, INC, pink crimson, religion

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 6:58 AM 0 Comments

Not a Good Start

07-01-2010 Thursday

Being late sure isn't a good way to start a new month, is it? Heck, for the first time ever since I started living away from home, I woke up late. I couldn't believe it myself, how could I have overslept?! Oh, and why is it that my handy li'l celly did not alarm?!

I had a plan of rendering overtime today to make more money, so I set my alarm to buzz me at 4 in the afternoon. Well, surprise, the darn thing did not alarm. I was lying in bed wondering why is it that when I opened my eyes, I was hearing a late night program blaring from the TV of the other boarder's room. First I thought it was just a commercial but when I heard continous sappy scripted conversations, I snapped up in bed, reached for my cellphone to check the time and my shoulders slumped down when I saw that it's almost 10 in the evening. There's one new message from my manager reminding me not to be late since I'm the only one who's not there yet.

I contemplated on whether I'll still go to work, or just call in sick. If I go to work, I'll probably be there before 12 midnight, my shift starts at 9pm..I counted with my fingers, it's not late, it's half day but at least I still get paid, I decided I'll just render overtime after my actual shift. I need the money, I thought of this one day that I'm gonna lose in my salary and I realized that I can't afford to be a lazyass, got bills to pay and stuff to buy.

Good thing Alex left me some food in the pot. I breathed a sigh of relief because I don't have to cook! I didn't bother heating it, I opened the pot, grabbed a plate and indulged. I took a quick bath, got dressed and rushed outside.

I was able to log in at 11:30pm. I only did a 30 minute overtime by the end of the shift. The calls kept coming in and my stats doesn't look good so I decided I can't risk a 1 hour overtime. Not a chance I'm gonna risk taking in more calls with less sales, this is the hardest part of being in Inbound sales. Sigghh.

My manager is not pleased. I told her the truth, that I woke up late. She knows my situation but there's no acceptable reason in this type of job for someone to be late. Gee, now I'm thinking I have to buy an alarm clock unless someone would be kind enough to call me at a specific time that I wanna wake up so my phone would ring it's exotic scream. I really can't figure out why the alarm on my cellphone just stopped working. One important feature that I really need since there's no one to wake me up in the afternoon, unless Alex is at home or it's his day off. Alarm clock? Another stuff to buy. I hope I can find one that's really cheap but works.

When I got home in the morning, I told Alex that I'm late and it's because of the alarm in my cellphone not working. He laughed at me and said that I should get another cellphone.

I scowled at him, "You'll buy me a phone?"

It's his turn to scowl, "Why would I?"

I laughed, "Let's buy an alarm clock, then"

"Fine." he said, grabbing a pillow and burying his face under it.

I lie down beside him, and when my body touched the bed, I instantly dozed off.

Labels: alex, July, late, manager, months, pink crimson, work

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 3:21 AM 0 Comments

Breaking News

06-28-2010 Monday

I was in the middle of a dream I can't remember when I heard the loud screaming ring of my handy little cellphone. You wouldn't believe how loud this small thing is when it rings, it's the kind of ring that you can hear from a good 500 meters away, I swear it can break your eardrum if you hold it against your ear while it's ringing.

I forced myself to sit up, grabbed my cellphone that's sitting on the table beside the bed and answered it with a groggy, "Lo?"

"Hi! Neng?!" I immediately recognized my mom's shrill voice.

I looked at my cellphone and noticed that the number is not listed on my contacts. "Mom?"

"Yeah, it's me!" she spoke hastily, "Listen, I'm just calling to let you know that if Ka Remy texts you, tell her that you're in Quezon City, and that you're living with your uncle, okay?"

I was getting confused, "Uhh..."

Before I could say anything, she continued, "She already knows about your situation! She wanted to talk to you when you go home this Saturday, okay?"

"Okay.." my mouth went dry. Someone in our religion circle already knows.

"Oh and Ka Ric also, he's gonna talk to you this Saturday, what time will you be home?"

They knew? "Uhmm.. Saturday morning.."

"Great." I heard my gramma mumbling in the background. "You can come back home now!"

My mind was reeling fast. "Who's number is this by the way?" I asked while trying to put my thoughts together.

"Annabelle's, our neighbor! Well, gotta go, we only loaded it with the minimum amount needed to make a call."

"Uhmm. Okay see-" the line went dead. I put my phone down and remained seated on the bed.

I was worried, confused, sad..well, I don't know how I'll feel. I was also wondering how did they find out? I thought my escape is a perfect one. I thought I hid well. How and why? That's something for me to find out when I get home this weekend.

I was also thinking about what my mom said: 'I could go back home'. I don't have to hide anymore. I don't have to stay here in Manila. I can go back home and be taken care of. This is what I wanted right? I should be happy and relieved, shouldn't I?

Oh no!! The fact that I'm confused and sad about leaving Alex spells trouble. Does this mean that I'm starting to get used to living with him? I'm having a hard time trying to cope but maybe, somewhere in the dark corner of my heart and mind, I'm starting to like this part of our relationship.

Even though, sometimes we're still having some minor fights that makes me mad at him, makes me think that he doesn't really care, makes me wanna give up, we're always able to make up that same day or the day after that fight which for me, is a good improvement in our relationship. I'm beginning to think that we're both starting to grow and help each other mature.

I glanced around our small room and suddenly, the thought of leaving it makes me sad. The four corners of this room has been a witness to the short time we have spent together. The TV we just bought this weekend caught my attention. Shit. To think that we recently bought this TV to beat my boredom here when I'm alone? We also bought the electric fan. Why am I silly enough to buy stuff that wouldn't have any use once we split up, once all this is over? Who will take over these things? I wouldn't want to take these with me, it's be too much of a memory.

I stood up and noticed his t-shirt lying on the top bunk of our bed. I held it in my hands, then, I wept. If I tell him that I have to go back home, will he stop me? If I tell him that I have to end our relationship because of religion differences, will he tell me that he'll give our religion another try? I doubt it. He has been too specific that I can make him do anything except convert his religion. We can talk about anything except religion. It has been the root cause of our worse fights and it fears me to go back into that argument with him.

Then, there's the thought of my gramma worrying about me living far away from her. The thought of her always waiting for me in the house, with Damien in her heels. I know that she's someone who will always stay with me even if the rest of the world walks out. I want to be with her again of course. Now that I'm being given the freedom to go back to her, what's holding me back?

To answer my question, I'll go back to the reasons why I chose to live with Alex:

1. To hide.
2. For Alex not to get away from his responsibility. (If I'm gonna suffer, then so will he, remember?)
3. ...

Well, basically that's it. Reason no. 1 can be crossed out of the list because other people already knew. That leaves me with just one reason. We are good being together, we are able to work things out when we're together, but being apart, we're not beaufiful apart.

What now? I guess we'll all find out this weekend...

Labels: alex, complicated, pink crimson, reasons, relationships, religion

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 3:18 AM 0 Comments

Just Another Weekend Conversation

07-27-2010 Sunday

I can remember names but matching names to the faces? Don't count me on it, I'm terrible with that. That's why if you'll notice some of my posts, I give 'alias' to some people whom I can't directly name. It's not because I'm being downright rude by calling 'em ms. fat bitch or ms. lesbo bitch, it's because I simply can't quite remember their parent-given names. Ugh.

With that introduction in mind, lemme call this person who's a part of this post as...(drumroll please...) Ms. Good Lesbo. Don't ask me why this boarding house appears to be a lair of third sex members, mostly lesbos, even though I've lived here for a month now, I still can't tell why.

Anyways, this is the conversation we've had while we were seated outside the boarding house on this warm Sunday evening.

"How's it going with you and Alex?" she asked, pulling her chair closer to mine.

I was sitting outside, looking at Alex as he fixes something on the owner type jeep that belonged to the fat bitch upstairs. I didn't take my eyes off of Alex as I answered her, "Going well, so far."

"Good to know that.." she has been a witness to one of the worst fights I've had with Alex. "You know things will change once.." [had to edit some phrases for privacy! :) ]

"Hopefully.." I said with a sigh, still looking at Alex who's so caught up with connecting wires on the back of the jeep.

"Don't get married yet, not until you're 100% sure about him. He's still a bit irresponsible"

I nodded, "Yep. But to be fair with him, he has changed a bit. Like, money is not much of an issue for him anymore. We used to argue about it but now, it doesn't take a lot for him to spend some money for me, for us.."

"Is he starting to save some money?" she asked, fumbling in her pocket for a cigarette stick.

I eyed the stick of black Marlboro menthol that came out of her pocket and for a brief second, I drooled on the thought of tasting that forbidden cigarette again. "That's a problem.. How can he save, he's still stuck on his debts because of his mistress, that damn motorcycle" I pouted my mouth to point at his motorcycle parked nearby.

She laughed at my comparison. "Yeah, well as long as he keeps on showing his mature and responsible side to you, there's hope. But of course, don't expect much. We still don't know what's gonna happen. Even though, I'm positive that he'll change eventually, you just wait."

I looked at the smoke she's blowing from the cigarette, "That's what I'm doing..waiting."

"How's your gramma, by the way?" she has seen and talked to my gramma already.

The smoke suddenly looked blurred in my eyes, "She's fine but I know she misses me. She visited me here last week, just wanna check on me if I'm doing okay."

She tossed the cigarette butt away, I watched the flame on it die. "Your gramma really loves you."

I looked down, "She does."

A loud sound blasted from the jeep. Ahh, Alex has probably installed some new speakers on it. One of his hobby is tinkering with electrical stuff, sound system, cable connections, speaker installations, you name it, he can do it. Even car and motorcycle fixtures. Brownie point for him.

"Who keeps your gramma company?"

"My mom, who's still not doing well. Doesn't have a job yet." I scowled at the thought of my mom. "You see, I take care of everything financially. I pay for the rent there, I pay for half of the rent here, I give them money for food, electric and water bills and medicines for my mom..It's hard to make ends meet, most of the time, I don't have any money left for myself."

She gave me a comforting pat at the back that means she completely understands. "Don't worry, it'll pass. You'll get through it. You're a good and responsible daughter."

I know she intended it as a compliment but I felt like those words are inappropriate for someone like me. All I said was, "Thanks."

A loud cry of a kid interrupted us and she looked up, "Sounds like the kids are fighting again, I gotta check on 'em upstairs before bash each others skull."

I smiled, "Yeah, you go ahead."

I stood up and walked to join Alex in the jeep. I popped my head inside the jeep. "What's for supper?" I shouted for him to hear me.

He lowered the volume down, "What?"

"Supper?"

"Ya hungry already?"

"Uh-huh.."

He began gathering the tools he has used, "Give me a sec to fix these stuff and I'll buy food for us. What would you like?"

I smiled at him sweetly, "I'll give you time to clean up there and by the time you're finished, I'll be ready to tell you what food I would like."

It's still drizzling so I thought of a warm soup to eat for supper. What a way to end the day! ...and I'm gone..

Labels: alex, conversation, day off, lesbo, pink crimson, relationships, weekend

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 3:14 AM 0 Comments