It's Decision Time

07-03-2010 Saturday

What I expected to be a long talk turned out to be a very brief one, didn't even last half an hour. Actually, it's not much of a conversation because all I did was listen while they talk, it looked like an orientation more than anything. I know what to say, know what to answer to every question that they have, but I can't seem to bring myself to speak out, I just sat there, all ears on them, nodding yes or no to easy questions.

This is the part when they needed me to make the decision. It's either my religion or Alex. The answer is easy, my religion of course, however, a very big part of me still wishes to have both. Maybe I can still convince Alex, maybe I can still talk to him about it, if I will just stay calm, not raise my voice and be patient with him, maybe I can bring him to say yes to me.

They asked me if I still have a constant communication with Alex. I dropped a big fat lie of no. They asked me where am I staying, I dropped another big fat lie of staying with my gramma's brother. The more I lie, the harder it is to tell them that 'hey I'm choosing my religion over him, just give me time because I still wanna convince him to try again.' Easy words to say but I can't force them out of my mouth.

Ka Ric told me that if I really wanted to make Alex convert then I all I have to do is continously pray for that and it'll work out fine. What I couldn't tell him is that I've been praying for it for months but there's still no answer until now. I couldn't tell him because I'm afraid he might say, 'well, then, if God's not answering it, could it be that he's not really the one meant for you? Maybe there's somebody else out there. Maybe you need to forget him and just move on..' Funny how I'm filled with If's, but's, and maybe's lately.

They gave me one week to talk to Alex and then, I can tell them my decision. I said that's fine even though in the back of my mind, I'm calculating how short one week is going to be. It'll ruin what I plan to do. I don't intend to bring up the talks of religion until my dear sweet revenge is born. He might be aware of his responsibility by now but I think he still doesn't fully understand the gravity of what he'll be carrying in his shoulders, because seriously, neither do I. We can both say we're prepared but when that time comes, we can never tell.

One week. When I go back home next weekend, I have to have a decision already. I should've talked to Alex and we should've come up with something on how it's gonna work for both of us. It's happening all too soon and I'm blaming myself again because I didn't hid well.

When I ask my gramma how they found out, she said that they were seeing me, noticing the changes in me..that is it! They come to that conclusion already?! It's my fault, I should've dealt with my homesickness alone rather than frequently visiting home not thinking that some people has a keen eye on some little changes in a woman's body. Since when did they become masters of the human anatomy? Argh.

I left the house with my mind lost in thoughts. How do I tell Alex? What will he say? Will he still be like before and say things that's gonna hurt me? Will he confront me and diss my religion again?

Oh and by the way, why do things have to be this hard?

Labels: alex, decisions, homesick, INC, pink crimson, religion

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 6:58 AM