Tough Times

07-18-2010 Sunday

Alex has been without a job for less than week but it feels like he's been without one for a month. The burden of having to shoulder everything financially is starting to sink in even though I damn well know that he's trying his best not to be a burden, I'm still wishing he could get a job as soon as he can.

My salary is not enough to support us both, I barely have enough money left to treat myself to something every payday, every penny that comes along my way is fixed on a budget for the rent, bills, food, transportation and everything in between. Ah, the life of a breadwinner. I've accepted this hard responsibility a long time ago, and I'm not the type who complains without a valid reason but things are way too much harder when you have a parent who don't wanna get up and find a job.

It sucks to be poor. It sucks to feel broke all the time. I don't pay much attention to how deprived I am financially but lately, the truth is being thrown right into my face. When I wanna buy something so bad, I force myself to say no. I have to pinch pennies just to make ends meet. It's not easy I tell you, especially if you're 21 years old, and you wanna make the most out of your young adult life.

Alex would sometimes tell me that I'm not doing myself a favor, that I'm always depriving myself or holding myself back from getting the things I really wanna buy, even if it's something useful for me. I always respond with a frown but inside my head, I know it's fact I'm trying to not think about because if I do think about that, I'll only pity myself.

I'm fine with being considered a cheapskate rather than being considered pityful. If I can make money in sharing my miserable life with other people then, I would be glad to share all my woes, frustrations, and misfortunes, but since I wouldn't gain anything in winning people's sympathy, then I would prefer to keep my mouth shut (if you'll notice, I don't tell all in this blog. It's very public, and I want some stuff to remain private).

It's such a bad time to lose a job. If it's bad enough for Alex, it's worse for me. Imagine me having to take care of all the finances while he doesn't have a job. The food, our stuff, the things we need to buy-- ohh shoot that reminds me, we still have lots of things on our 'Needed-to-Buy-Before-August-Ends' list. Damn damn dammit!

I ain't mad at him, it isn't his fault that he has terrible luck on a job. I remember prior to this job, he also got laid off from the previous one. It's not that he's not doing his job, trust me, he's losing his job for the oddest reasons--simple mistakes that is not likely for him to commit (remember the Fortuner - Revo incident? Ironically, he's an excellent driver. For his job at Sym, he happen to carry his forbidden cellphone and got caught. Ironically, he always leaves his cellphone in the little compartment of his motorcycle. One lousy mistake at a wrong time. Talk about having bad luck).

I talked to him about having a hard time coping with our financial needs. He said he knows how hard it is and he's desperate to get a job. I can see it on his face that he means it. I had to do a double take to make sure that I'm talking to my Alex. He looked and sounded more mature than he did months before. Will I begin to hope that he's actually changing to be a better person? Are we really growing up on each other's company? I sure hope so. Just pray I can hang in here 'till he finds his luck.

Labels: alex, breadwinner, finances, job, pink crimson, salary, work

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 8:24 PM 0 Comments

Lost Too Soon

07-13-2010 Tuesday

Things that we say while we're mad are usually the words we ended up regretting when we've calmed down. We may try to take them back but the damage has been done. Makes you feel shitty, trust me.

See, I woke up mad because it's past 4 in the afternoon and Alex still wasn't home even though I asked him to come home early because my alarm clock might screw up and I might not wake up on time. I prepared the food on my own, ate, took a bath, got dressed and still, there was no sign of him. To top it all off, it was raining, and I knew even before I left the house that I'm gonna be wet inspite of having a trusty umbrella. The furious rain is one thing, flood is another, and this place in Blumentritt is known to flood easily.

Needless to say, I was enraged when I left the house. There's flood everywhere, and I managed to wet my shoes, along with my socks by the time I hopped on the jeepney. I looked pityful, I was worrying that I might not make it at the office early to render overtime. I badly need the hours, I badly need the additional pay and I felt like Alex didn't care about me, considering he did not even text to let me know that he wouldn't be home in time.

I pulled out my cellphone from my bag and began texting Alex endless hate messages about him not caring about me, not letting me know what his plans were, telling him how bad I feel about the whole thing and so on and so forth, yeah basically I was throwing a mean fit at him.

Halfway to the office, he finally replied, 'Where are you? I lost my job today that's why I couldn't go home early.'

Those words hit me. He must've felt so bad, I've seen how down he was the day before and I know how important his job is to him especially now that both of us needs it badly.

I don't know how to react. There he was, down, burned out, jobless and wet from the rain on his way home, while all I did was bitch on him thru my cellphone. I felt horrible. Looks like I'm not really doing a good job when it comes to being a supportive partner to him.

I replied with a brief sorry and asked if he has eaten dinner. He didn't sound mad after every hate messages that I've sent to him and that made me feel worse. I decided I'll just make it up to him tomorrow when I get home.

In the office, I couldn't help but worry about him losing his job. God, this isn't the right time for that. We've got bills to pay this coming 23rd, I've cooked the last of our rice earlier, we need to buy food on a daily basis, and the list goes on. I can't afford to shoulder all of that especially with the fact that my mother is a useless piece of stone in the house that wouldn't get a job. I count on Alex to help me out.

Is this the right time to pack up and go back home? Heck, I can't do that. I feel like he doesn't deserve to be left behind when he's feeling down and hopeless. I love him this much that if I will leave him eventually, I want him to be in a good state of being.

7:00 PM. I just logged in at work. And all I wanna do is log out, go home, and be with him. Can't wait for tomorrow to come....

Labels: alex, Blumentritt, job, pink crimson, relationships

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 8:12 PM 0 Comments