It's Decision Time
07-03-2010 Saturday
What I expected to be a long talk turned out to be a very brief one, didn't even last half an hour. Actually, it's not much of a conversation because all I did was listen while they talk, it looked like an orientation more than anything. I know what to say, know what to answer to every question that they have, but I can't seem to bring myself to speak out, I just sat there, all ears on them, nodding yes or no to easy questions.
This is the part when they needed me to make the decision. It's either my religion or Alex. The answer is easy, my religion of course, however, a very big part of me still wishes to have both. Maybe I can still convince Alex, maybe I can still talk to him about it, if I will just stay calm, not raise my voice and be patient with him, maybe I can bring him to say yes to me.
They asked me if I still have a constant communication with Alex. I dropped a big fat lie of no. They asked me where am I staying, I dropped another big fat lie of staying with my gramma's brother. The more I lie, the harder it is to tell them that 'hey I'm choosing my religion over him, just give me time because I still wanna convince him to try again.' Easy words to say but I can't force them out of my mouth.
Ka Ric told me that if I really wanted to make Alex convert then I all I have to do is continously pray for that and it'll work out fine. What I couldn't tell him is that I've been praying for it for months but there's still no answer until now. I couldn't tell him because I'm afraid he might say, 'well, then, if God's not answering it, could it be that he's not really the one meant for you? Maybe there's somebody else out there. Maybe you need to forget him and just move on..' Funny how I'm filled with If's, but's, and maybe's lately.
They gave me one week to talk to Alex and then, I can tell them my decision. I said that's fine even though in the back of my mind, I'm calculating how short one week is going to be. It'll ruin what I plan to do. I don't intend to bring up the talks of religion until my dear sweet revenge is born. He might be aware of his responsibility by now but I think he still doesn't fully understand the gravity of what he'll be carrying in his shoulders, because seriously, neither do I. We can both say we're prepared but when that time comes, we can never tell.
One week. When I go back home next weekend, I have to have a decision already. I should've talked to Alex and we should've come up with something on how it's gonna work for both of us. It's happening all too soon and I'm blaming myself again because I didn't hid well.
When I ask my gramma how they found out, she said that they were seeing me, noticing the changes in me..that is it! They come to that conclusion already?! It's my fault, I should've dealt with my homesickness alone rather than frequently visiting home not thinking that some people has a keen eye on some little changes in a woman's body. Since when did they become masters of the human anatomy? Argh.
I left the house with my mind lost in thoughts. How do I tell Alex? What will he say? Will he still be like before and say things that's gonna hurt me? Will he confront me and diss my religion again?
Oh and by the way, why do things have to be this hard?
Labels: alex, decisions, homesick, INC, pink crimson, religion
Back at It
06-05-2010 Saturday
"I'm on my way back.." I texted Alex. It was a struggle to text as I clutched the plastic bag containing the meat that my gramma has prepared before I left, my bag on my lap, the umbrella clasped between my knees and a 16 oz. Slurpee in my other hand with it's straw stuck to my lips.
I asked my gramma for instructions on how to cook a pork steak, and aside from instructions, she went ahead and bought the meat for me and prepared it so that when I go back to Blumentritt, all I have to do is cook it. She said it's raining and she doesn't want me to go to the market to buy meat. That's how much she cares for me, and seeing her care so much about me, it makes me not want to go back to Manila.
I held the plastic bag of meat tightly, I can lose my bag and everything but not this meat that my gramma prepared. Traffic is a headache. I left the house at 9 in the morning and I arrived in Blumentritt a few minutes past 11.
I walked to our room, unlocked the door with my key and surprise, I was greeted with a room that suffered from a near destruction. The floor is dirty, the unwashed plates are stacked in the corner, the chair is marked with food stains, and I'm near tears as I looked around the room, wondering where will I begin to fix the mess. I wanted to be mad with Alex but felt pity for him instead, he obviously can't live well on his own. I put down my things on the bed, and opened the pot beside our water jug. There's rice enough for me and sardines. I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. Alex can't cook as well, but he's worse than me.
I cleaned the room, washed the dishes, and I realized I still have to do the laundry. Ok, here goes another day for poor lil' me.
I'm back here. I'm back to doing things for myself. It's either I get used to it, or live with it till it's all over.
Labels: alex, Blumentritt, cook, gramma, homesick, pink crimson
Rest Day
06-03-2010 Thursday
I now consider going home as my rest day even though I still have to go to work in the evening. When I'm at home, I don't need to worry about cooking for myself, or going to the market to try and distinguish the difference between a fresh meat and a not-so-fresh one, or washing the dishes before taking a bath and going to work. At home, I can just wake up, smell the aroma of the food waiting for me in the dining table, eat my heart out, take a bath then off I went to work.
I ain't no princess at home, I still do some house chores whenever I can but most of the time, I'm just too beat up at work that I prefer lying in bed to rest. My gramma taught me how to cook when I was younger, but due to lack of practice, I eventually forgot and I grew up to be a 21 year old chick who has no idea at all on what goes on in the kitchen. My gramma has took care of me so much that I start to realize how dependent I've become to her.
I headed straight to our house after work and the thing that I missed the most never failed to greet me: A nice breakfast spread out in the table. My gramma has this look on her face that always means she's happy to see me again, and she missed me. Damien has the same look, plus the endless wagging tail. Do you dare ask my mom? Oh somewhere in bed, sleeping, pleased with herself.
It's never like this when I'm at home with Alex. It's not that I'm complaining with Alex, it's just that living on my own is harder than I thought it would be. My daily routine in Blumentritt is goddamn tiring. I go home to Alex sleeping and snoring, no food, nothing. I skip breakfast, took a quick shower then I sleep. I sleep for a few hours. The screaming of little children everywhere is enough to wake me up every hour. I woke up in the afternoon to go to the market and figure out what to buy, since I don't know how to cook, I usually ended up buying hotdogs, ham, you know stuff that can be fried in the pan. Then, I go home to cook. After everything is prepared I'm no longer hungry and I just force myself to eat for me not to go mad at work. I wash the dishes, clean up the room before I can finally take a bath. In short, I am dead tired even before I walked out the door to leave. Then, work drains me and at the end of the day, I kept on asking myself if I'll still make it alive.
Since there will be another worship service for Saturday, I decided to stay at home till Saturday. I texted Alex to let him know. I need the rest, goddamn it. I almost forgot how good it felt to get some rest when at home. I slept in my comfy bottom bunk of our double deck. I even missed looking out the window as I lie in bed, (in the room where I stay with Alex, there's no window..) I missed the eardrum-breaking bark of Damien whenever he sees people walking outside, I missed the sound of my gramma scolding Damien when he does that..sigh, I miss being at home.
There's no place like home? Tell me all about it..
Labels: cook, Damien, gramma, home, homesick, pink crimson
