Still Full of Hate

07-09-2010 Friday

Instead of being greeted by the smiling gramma who always looked so delighted in seeing me come home, I saw a sullen, weary-looking gramma walking around the house when I came home earlier this morning. My heart sank and I instantly knew that something was wrong. I bet it's about my mom even though she appeared sane as she played with Damien on the floor. There's always something wrong with her no matter how normal she looked on the outside, and I've always gotten the short end of the stick that's why I knew better.

I kicked my shoes off of my feet and put my bag down. I hugged Damien, who was wagging his tail and shaking his butt non-stop, undeniably happy to see me. I can hear my gramma talking aloud, she was saying "It's always me who does everything in this house, what will happen without me? Who will cook? Who will prepare the food?" she kept on walking around, holding a ladle in one hand, and a pot holder on the other, "Didn't even think that someone is gonne come home hungry. Didn't even bother waking up to prepare food. What will happen to the brain if it stopped working?"

It was about my mom alright. I thought she's already helping out in the house chores? The last time I was home, she even did the laundry and washed the dishes. What the fuck is going on again?

I'm beginning to take back what I said about me trying to love her and maybe appreciate her as my mother again. I'm also starting to realize that maybe she didn't really give a fuck about me or my gramma. Yeah, she acted like she cared a few weeks after she got out of the rehab, but now, months after, uhhh, almost 4 months after to be specific, she's nothing but a moving stone statue. Cold. Devoid of emotions. Empty.

My hate is rising back to the surface. I want her gone. I want her out of our lives, for good. If she'll continue caring less about my gramma having to do all the chores in the house then she might as well be sent back to the rehab, be locked up in a stinking room all by herself and be completely forgotten. I'm trying to be okay with her not having a job as long as she tries to help my gramma in the house. Besides, it'll better for her to do some physical work because she's always complaining about feeling weak, legs like jelly, arms hurting, fuck all those bullshit reasons! We've taken her to the doctor about those complaints, they did all the lab tests shit and guess what, nothing comes up! Nothing is freaking wrong with her fucking body system! Matter of fact, the doctor said it's fine for her to work!

What's that all about?! I was so mad earlier because I hate seeing my gramma tired from working and doing everything in the house. She was in the kitchen, preparing my breakfast when I talked to her. She calmed down while talking to me. She asked me how I'm doing, if I'm hungry, if it's okay that she has only prepared hotdogs for my breakfast. In spite of the weary eyes looking back at me, I can tell that she's still the gramma who cared a lot.

I have to think of something. Something that will make my mother snap back to the reality in front of her. It's July. By the end of August, I'll be on leave for a few months, without pay. How can we survive if I wouldn't get paid? She needs to have a fucking job. She needs to put the pieces of her back together for her own sake. God, it's been months after she was released from the rehab, and until now, she's acting like she needs to be sent back there for eternity.

I've thought of people, some of our relatives, that can maybe talk some sense into her empty mind. Anyone please help. It has to be the first option: Get someone to talk to her. If I have to ask her uncle, or my aunt, or anyone that can talk her, hell, I don't care if I have to go as far as asking my dad to call her just to make her realize that she fucking needs to get up on her feet for the sake of her mother and only daughter!

Seriously, if you'll ask me what my first option would be, I would say send her ass back to the rehab! She has become the type of person that doesn't make a difference in the world whether she exists or not. That's because she DOES NOTHING.

Maybe I will burn in hell for saying things like this but I can't help myself! I tried loving her again. We tried to understand her, to the point that my gramma and I have to make sacrifices. And what did she do after everything we've done for her? Nothing. The ungrateful bitch did nothing for us.

The one thing that bitch is good at? Flirting with different men. I've learned not to turn my cellphone on when I'm at home because if I don't and I happen to have some prepaid load, she would text these men she met on the internet. Then, when I leave the house, I would receive nasty messages from these men. I've told my gramma about it but I don't think she has confronted my mom in regards to that.

Okay, don't get me wrong, I'm fine with her having another guy, like, for real. I want her to find someone and get married again. Maybe that will make her forget about my dad once and for all. I just don't like her having different dudes at the same time. Mind you, these guys she's texting does not even include the one she has brought home before. I don't wanna say the word whore..but oh well..did I just say it?

I am officially the hateful daughter. If this is all too much to take, you can now leave and ban this site for fear of any negative influence on an innocent mind. I'm just so tired of her being full of shit.

This situation gives me another headache. I've been thinking a lot of things lately that I sometimes feel like my head is gonna explode. When will all this problem end? I want a peaceful life, that's all I'm askin' for, why is it so hard to get? Either give me an answer or a gun to shoot the people I hate.

Labels: ANGER, bitch, daughter, gramma, HATE, pink crimson, useless bitch

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 7:05 AM