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06-28-2010 Monday

I was in the middle of a dream I can't remember when I heard the loud screaming ring of my handy little cellphone. You wouldn't believe how loud this small thing is when it rings, it's the kind of ring that you can hear from a good 500 meters away, I swear it can break your eardrum if you hold it against your ear while it's ringing.

I forced myself to sit up, grabbed my cellphone that's sitting on the table beside the bed and answered it with a groggy, "Lo?"

"Hi! Neng?!" I immediately recognized my mom's shrill voice.

I looked at my cellphone and noticed that the number is not listed on my contacts. "Mom?"

"Yeah, it's me!" she spoke hastily, "Listen, I'm just calling to let you know that if Ka Remy texts you, tell her that you're in Quezon City, and that you're living with your uncle, okay?"

I was getting confused, "Uhh..."

Before I could say anything, she continued, "She already knows about your situation! She wanted to talk to you when you go home this Saturday, okay?"

"Okay.." my mouth went dry. Someone in our religion circle already knows.

"Oh and Ka Ric also, he's gonna talk to you this Saturday, what time will you be home?"

They knew? "Uhmm.. Saturday morning.."

"Great." I heard my gramma mumbling in the background. "You can come back home now!"

My mind was reeling fast. "Who's number is this by the way?" I asked while trying to put my thoughts together.

"Annabelle's, our neighbor! Well, gotta go, we only loaded it with the minimum amount needed to make a call."

"Uhmm. Okay see-" the line went dead. I put my phone down and remained seated on the bed.

I was worried, confused, sad..well, I don't know how I'll feel. I was also wondering how did they find out? I thought my escape is a perfect one. I thought I hid well. How and why? That's something for me to find out when I get home this weekend.

I was also thinking about what my mom said: 'I could go back home'. I don't have to hide anymore. I don't have to stay here in Manila. I can go back home and be taken care of. This is what I wanted right? I should be happy and relieved, shouldn't I?

Oh no!! The fact that I'm confused and sad about leaving Alex spells trouble. Does this mean that I'm starting to get used to living with him? I'm having a hard time trying to cope but maybe, somewhere in the dark corner of my heart and mind, I'm starting to like this part of our relationship.

Even though, sometimes we're still having some minor fights that makes me mad at him, makes me think that he doesn't really care, makes me wanna give up, we're always able to make up that same day or the day after that fight which for me, is a good improvement in our relationship. I'm beginning to think that we're both starting to grow and help each other mature.

I glanced around our small room and suddenly, the thought of leaving it makes me sad. The four corners of this room has been a witness to the short time we have spent together. The TV we just bought this weekend caught my attention. Shit. To think that we recently bought this TV to beat my boredom here when I'm alone? We also bought the electric fan. Why am I silly enough to buy stuff that wouldn't have any use once we split up, once all this is over? Who will take over these things? I wouldn't want to take these with me, it's be too much of a memory.

I stood up and noticed his t-shirt lying on the top bunk of our bed. I held it in my hands, then, I wept. If I tell him that I have to go back home, will he stop me? If I tell him that I have to end our relationship because of religion differences, will he tell me that he'll give our religion another try? I doubt it. He has been too specific that I can make him do anything except convert his religion. We can talk about anything except religion. It has been the root cause of our worse fights and it fears me to go back into that argument with him.

Then, there's the thought of my gramma worrying about me living far away from her. The thought of her always waiting for me in the house, with Damien in her heels. I know that she's someone who will always stay with me even if the rest of the world walks out. I want to be with her again of course. Now that I'm being given the freedom to go back to her, what's holding me back?

To answer my question, I'll go back to the reasons why I chose to live with Alex:

1. To hide.
2. For Alex not to get away from his responsibility. (If I'm gonna suffer, then so will he, remember?)
3. ...

Well, basically that's it. Reason no. 1 can be crossed out of the list because other people already knew. That leaves me with just one reason. We are good being together, we are able to work things out when we're together, but being apart, we're not beaufiful apart.

What now? I guess we'll all find out this weekend...

Labels: alex, complicated, pink crimson, reasons, relationships, religion

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 3:18 AM