Will I Ever?
05-30-2010 Sunday
So can anyone give me an honest answer to this: Am I the only one who hates kids? And, does that make me a bad person?
I don't know why but most people like kids, like they totally adore those bratty tykes as if they're the cutest shit ever. What's up with that? I mean, puppies and kittens are cute, aren't they? The best thing about such creatures is that they grew up to be oyal to you, but kids? Nah, they either grew up to be rebels or they could grow up nice but eventually they'll leave you to live on their own. It's the usual life cycle isn't it?
I have to let it all out in this blog because I doubt that anyone would understand me ranting about hating kids. Sure I know I will be judged by the people reading this but this is merely writings, and the readers can hate me in their minds rather than being told that to my face. Oh God bless the heart of the person who created online blogs.
I'm irritated with kids, the noisy, spoiled ones. Alex, on the other hand, is fond with them. I have to bare with him while he plays with that snotty kid from upstairs and it could've been a good day all in all if it wasn't for that brat. My mood is now ruined and I'm being bitchy with Alex. The more I see him happy with that kid, the more irritated I get. I don't know why but I hate it when there's someone else, not related to us in any way, getting his attention. Yeah, you should know by now how selfish I really am.
My friends say that I'm only saying that because I don't have a child yet of my own but it will change soon. I'm hoping it will but there's little doubt inside me that wouldn't go away.
I'm still in a pretty bad mood when Alex walked into the room after he has taken a bath. He noticed that I'm not paying attention to what he's saying and that my mouth is still curved upside down.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
I rolled my eyes at him.
"C'mere." he ordered as he sat on the bed.
I continued to scowl at him.
He smiled sheepishly, walked towards me and hugged me,
"You're jealous of the kid?" he has this smile on his face that makes me less mad.
I didn't say anything.
He laughed at me. I hated him for laughing at me. Or maybe I hated myself for overreacting. What good would it do? I'll never like kids. Never liked 'em before, never will.
Labels: alex, ANGER, HATE, kids, pink crimson
Surprise Visit
05-26-2010 Wednesday
Alex is at work, I'm on leave, it's a boring day so what's left for me to do? I originally planned to go to SM San Lazaro, the nearest SM here, since I haven't been there but then, I thought about the fare I'm gonna spend for that, I would rather just visit home and since it's Wednesday, I can also attend the night worship service. I praised myself for such an excellent idea. Besides, I'm missing my gramma, Damien and my cats badly I wanna see them even if it's just gonna be for a couple of hours.
I took a bath around 4 in the afternoon, got dressed and locked our room before leaving. I rode the jeepney going to Novaliches and as I looked outside the window, I saw the familiar road that will take me back home and the more I realized how much I'm missing to go back to where I really belong.
The traffic was awful but that's nothing new, it's fine with me as long as I can visit home. I arrived in the house at around 6. Good. The worship service starts at 7:45pm. First thing I saw was my gramma eating in the dining table. I barged inside, hands waving at Damien, who noticed me immediately.
My gramma looked surprised and evidently happy to see me. I was also happy to see them again. It's been only 3 days but I felt like I've been gone for weeks already. The house is still organized, I know my gramma has spent hours fixing everything after I left.
She asked me if I'm hungry to which I instantly said yes. She said that she didn't prepare any food, but she has some eggs to cook and I said that's okay as long as I can eat.
She cooked a sunny side up egg and I ate heartily. She asked me how's everything with Alex and I said I can't complain, everything's fine. She asked about my food, the water supply, the room, and I can barely eat while answering all her questions. I didn't tell her that we don't have a stove yet, or that I'm sad because I wanna go home, or that I get bored alone, I left out all those details, I don't want her to worry about me. I can deal with the negatives on my own.
The three of us attended the worship service and afterwards, I have to leave again. I'm not saying goodbye, I kept on saying that I'll be back this weekend. When I left the house, I don't look back, it will be too damn sad. I walked slowly, eyes forward, that's the best I could do to keep myself from running back.
I was back to Blumentritt at around 10 in the evening. Alex still wasn't home. I was mad, thinking that he was out with his friends again. I took a quick shower and when I went back to the room, I saw a new dress that I'm definitely gonna need and shorts with a price tag still attached to them, lying on the bed. I smiled to myself. Alex? Alex bought me a new dress? Ok, maybe he's not that much of an irresponsible jerk unlike what they're all telling me here. Maybe he's worth this afterall. Let's all hope so.
Labels: Blumentritt, Damien, family, gramma, home, pink crimson, visit, worship service
Undeciphered Loneliness
05-24-2010 Monday
First day after I moved in...I woke up hungry, restless and sweating. I thought it's late morning already because I can hear people moving around outside the room. The sound of something being fried, spoon and forks hitting the dishes, and chairs moving. The sound I'm hearing reminded of how my gramma always wakes up early in the morning to prepare a hearty breakfast. I grabbed Alex's cellphone from under the pillow to check the time: 5:05 am. A bit too early for someone like me.
I heard voices talking, the sound of the early morning news on TV, mixed with Alex's snoring right beside my ear. I poked his face to wake him up.
'I'm hungry' I whispered to his ear. No response. This guy is really not a morning person, so am I, but the smell of food outside is making me even hungrier.
I decided to try to get some sleep. It was useless. I thought about my gramma at home and I wondered if she's still worried about me. Of course, she's probably worried, like wondering if I'm eating right or if I'm having a hard time doing things on my own. That's the kind of caring person she is.
I closed my eyes and imagined I am back home. I imagined Damien happily wagging his tail at me, I imagined my gramma busy in the kitchen, I imagined my cats playing outside..then I opened my eyes and I'm back to where I really am. I'm with Alex but still, I feel like I'm not complete. I thought this is what I wanted all along but I guess I was wrong.
I'm getting really hungry so I raised hell to wake Alex up. I pinched, slapped, kicked him till he reluctantly got up. We had breakfast at a nearby
carinderia. He paid for it. I was thinking if we have a stove, we can save a lot compared to eating outside.
When I mentioned the stove to him, he said he plans to go home to Cavite this weekend to get the stove that's not being used there. I told him to do that, so we can start saving money on our meal. I can't cook so he'll have to live with sunny side up egg and heated canned goods, heh-heh.
After breakfast, we went back. He showered and got ready for work. I kissed him goodbye, wished him luck, he left and I was alone again, with nothing to do but wait for the time to pass.
I tried getting some sleep but it was impossible. What's with the kids from the other room, playing noisily, stomping their little feet, shouting like there's no tomorrow, in other words, the kids here are snotty brats and if there will be a time when all their parents are out, I might strangle those little tykes if I can't help myself. Jesus, I hate kids, especially bratty ones.
Around 4 o'clock, I prepared to go to work. It's too early but I'd rather be there, in an air-conditioned office, than be here locked up in a smoldering hot room, listening to merciless screaming outside.
Leaving early turned out to be a good thing, traffic was heavy and the jeep that I was unfortunate enough to ride, was slower than any type of moving object with wheels. The driver is an old, balding man who strives to call every passenger he can get, from one street corner to the other.
Finally, I reached the office, sweating and slightly mad for the length of time it took me to travel considering that I live near the office now. I struggled to stay awake throughout my entire shift. The only thing that I liked today is I ended up with some good sales, other than that, I'm sad and missing my home and I seriously can't wait to go back.
Labels: alex, gramma, home, k, kids, NCO, pink crimson, work
The Move
05-23-2010 Sunday
"You take care of her ok? We love her so much so please take care of her.." I overheard my gramma said to Alex as they load all of my stuff in the owner type jeep that he borrowed. Alex's voice was too low so I didn't hear his answer from the room where I sat, brushing my wet hair.
I felt a sudden twang of pain. I'm gonna move out. They're loading my things up in the jeep. I'm leaving my gramma. I pinched myself a dozen times, this is reality, this is really happening.
The funny thing is, I should be happy to be with Alex, that's what I wanted right? I always wait for my day off so I can be with Alex, I want him beside me all the time, I always find myself missing him, then why am I not so happy anymore? I guess it's because of the fact that I realized how much I love my gramma more.
I spent a good amount of quality time with my gramma today. It started when she accompanied me in my scheduled doctor's appointment. We went to the hospital at around 11am, waited for more than an hour for me to be called, then waited another hour or so for the result of the blood test my doctor requested.
After that, we went to Zabarte Mall because I needed to withdraw some cash. She requested for a halo-halo and I'm more than willing to grant that. After I withdrew from the ATM, we dined at Chowking, I was thankful for her senior citizen's ID, the 20% discount is really something.
Then, we went home. She went back to preparing the stuff that I'm gonna bring with me, kitchen utensils, soap, shampoo, toothpaste, she packed them all neatly. We bought the electric fan from our neighbor and she cleaned it as well. Then, she bought a gallon of mineral water for me to bring. She knows all the things that I'm gonna need and more. She even cooked dinner for me and Alex so we can eat before we leave.
Meet my gramma. That's how she is. I hate to leave her even if it's gonna be 3 months at the most, it feels like I'm gonna be gone for a long time.
After we packed everything, we're ready to go. Alex said goodbye to my mom, and went outside where my gramma is. I saw Damien looking up at me, waiting for me to move. I hate to leave that dear dog of mine as well. I kneeled on the floor beside him and scratched his belly.
"I'll be back this Saturday, ok?" I told him.
I went outside. My gramma is watching the jeep with a faraway gaze in her eyes.
"I'll just think that you wouldn't be too far, you're just a block away.." she said to no one in particular.
"I'll be back this Saturday." was all I could say. I wanted to cry, to hug her, thank her for everything and promise her that I'll never leave, that this move it only temporary but I can't move. I'm frozen with too many mixed emotions.
"Ok, take care." she said to me then she turned to Alex,
"Be careful in driving ok?""Yes. We'll be going now." he said, then he hopped behind the wheels.
I sat on the passenger's seat. My gramma stood outside the house, watching us.
Alex started the engine. I forced a smile and waved at my gramma. She waved back.
Off we went. I kept on looking back even though I can't see anything but my stuff behind. That's good. It's gonna be harder to look back and see the loved one I'm leaving behind.
Our trip lasted for more than an hour. When we arrived in Blumentritt, we started unloading my things. I was finally able to see the room. It was small but it's enough for the two of us. I'm here but a big part of myself still wants to be with my gramma instead.
I was deep in thought when Alex barged into the room, carrying a big basket filled with his clothes.
"These are some of my clothes, can you fold it neatly while I go get more of my stuff upstairs?" he didn't wait for an answer. He dropped the basket near my feet and went out.
I scowled. Some of his clothes? I thought ridiculously staring at the overflowing basket of clothes.
'Here's to something new..' I thought when I picked up a crumpled brief from the basket.
The big move. The start of something? Nah. Temporary, that's what it is. I'm still coming home to gramma. :(
Labels: alex, Blumentritt, gramma, home, moving out, pink crimson
Family Ties
05-22-2010 Saturday
I don't plan on moving out till the 25th, the day when Alex gets paid, that's why I was surprised when Alex texted me tonight to tell me that we need to move out tomorrow, that he'll swing by to pick me up in the afternoon.
"Why?" I replied.
"There's a lot of people here looking for a room, and they're eyeing that room, I wanted to save that for us." was his reply.
I'm watching a late night TV show, while my mom and gramma are asleep in the floor and the top bunk respectively. I sighed, I wanted to tell my gramma about it but she's already sleeping.
"Ok," I typed,
"But you pay me half of the rent when you get paid on the 25th, otherwise, I'll cut your ball in half." I mean it, he has to pay me first before anything else comes up, like his monthly installment for his motorcycle.
"I will pay you." was his short response.
Good. Then I thought about it,
"What about the stove? I haven't bought one yet, how will I eat? Do we need a TV? Or radio??""Relax, don't worry too much. I'll take care of it, the most important thing is getting that room for us, ok? Now get some rest." he's being too carefree. Humph.
"Alrighty. Goodnight. Aren't you gonna say something else?""I love you, goodnight." was his last message for the night and I smiled to myself as I placed my cellphone under my pillow.
I stared on the TV, another boring TV commercial for a fast food chain is being shown and I paid no attention to it. My mind is wandering, at the same time, I'm also surprised that I don't feel so excited about it. I'm actually sad, because I will miss my gramma, Damien and my cats and I know that when I tell my gramma about it tomorrow, she'll be sad as well. She hates to let me go but we both know that I have to.
Instead of thinking about the big move, I'm thinking of when I can visit here. I'll be on leave this Tuesday and Wednesday so I'll probably go here. Or what about Saturday? So I can give them money since that's payday.
I stood up and turned the TV off, then I went back to bed, and faced the window, hugging my pillow tight. I heard Damien sneeze and groan before going back to sleep. Damien; I'll miss him as well. I started to cry. I don't even know why. I have Alex already, I have him to where he can't run away from his responsibility, but I'm not that happy anymore. I love being here, at home, with my gramma. If my mom is not here, I would probably take everyone with me--gramma,Damien and my cats.
I want my mom to start working again while I'm away. I want my gramma to stop worrying about me. When my mom starts working, I know she'll worry less because I don't have to be pressured in working too hard to be able to give them money. The more I think about it, the more I become upset with my mother.
When she got out of the rehab, she gave me a letter, saying how much she loves me and she even promised that she'll only rest for a couple of days then, she'll get back to working. A couple of days? I wanna crumple that letter to her face because it has been two fucking months now and her lazyass is still lying around in the house. I'm sorry, I tried to love her again but I can't find that feeling anymore.
I cried silently. I love my gramma. I love being her granddaughter. I never wanted to live with anyone else right now. I wanted to be here, kick my mom out, and live happily ever after with the little family I plan to have. With or without Alex around, I think I can make it. My gramma's love for me is more than enough.
I don't want a family of my own. I want what I have now minus my mother, or well yeah, I can include her as long as she finds a job and be a mother to me again. Things are getting complicated again and I'm the only one to blame. Damn..
Labels: alex, complicated, family, mother, moving out, pink crimson, rent
Warmth of Home
05-20-2010 Thursday
I don't often realize how nice it is to wake up in your own home, with a well-prepared delicious meal ready in the table for me to eat. The comfortable warmth at home is because of my gramma, who's always preparing everything for me, everything that she does reminds me of how much I mean to her and how much she loves me. It is true that grandparents can love you more than your parents do.
My mom went back to being a paralytic slug who does nothing but sleep, eat, watch TV and talk about useless things. Whenever I would feel bad for leaving the house for awhile, I will just think of how much I hate seeing my mother do nothing and I would be okay, I would feel more than ready to leave.
It's really my gramma that I'm thinking about. I know she worries about me a lot and I know how sad she'll be when I leave that's why I promised her I'll visit as often as possible while I still can. I'm used to having her around. The wonderful meal she always prepares, the care she shows, the things we've been through together as a family, I've always known her as someone I can confide with although, lately, I've been keeping things from her for her not to worry even more.
When I woke up today and saw that the food was ready like always, I started thinking how hard it's going to be for me when I move out. I don't think Alex will give a damn in preparing food for me, he'll be too damn busy with his job, and besides, I don't plan on pampering him, I'll cook for myself if I want to eat, he can cook for himself if he wants to.
I'll miss the easy life at home that I'm used to. I know that it will be hard when I start to take care of myself, like doing the laundry for example, and gasp!, cooking. Well, I have to face this, it's the easiest way out that we could think of. It'll only be for awhile, then I'll come back home to my gramma and her warmth. I love Alex, but now I'm starting to realize that he might not be the one afterall. Actually, I might not end up with someone...I'll just grow old to be with my gramma, who has sacrificed countless things for me and no matter what I do, that precious love she gave can never be re-paid.
Labels: alex, fami], gramma, granddaughter, moving out, pink crimson
Preparations
05-18-2010 Tuesday
When I arrived in the house, Damien greeted me from under the table, his usual spot, tails wagging excitedly at me. I kicked my shoes out of my feet, went to him and scratched his chin.
I peeked into the room, and saw neither my gramma nor my mom was there. My mom was probably somewhere, passing time, living joyfully, doing nothing. I heard a scratching sound in the kitchen so I headed towards it and found my gramma scrubbing some dried food residues on the pan. She was too busy with the pan that she didn't notice me.
I pulled the fridge door open and that's when she glanced up to look at me.
"Oh food's ready. I'm just cleaning this before you bring this." she said.
I nodded. Then, I remembered I told her I'll be bringing that pan with me and here she is, cleaning it for me. That's how much she cared about me. Even though I'll be going away, I can feel her caring for me. It should only be me doing this preparations but she knew better to help me out. She knows how tired I am with my job so she's doing the best way she can to help. I'll miss that care for sure while I'm gone.
I sat on the dining table and opened the rice cooker. Warm smoke came out of it and I smelled the wonderful aroma of a newly cooked rice. As I serve some rice in my plate, I thought about how it's gonna be with Alex. I'm sure I'll be the one to cook for myself, I wouldn't be bringing the rice cooker with me so my only wish is that I don't burn the rice. Darn, the thought of living without my gramma alone is hard already.
My breakfast is simple: sunny side up egg and corned beef but the fact that my gramma did exert an effort to prepare my meal made it extra special, like what it is everyday.
I was thinking about the things that I'll miss as I eat. Maybe I would also lose a few pounds, ok, that may be a good thing. But still, it's gonna be hard to do things on my own when I leave.
Damien seemed to have noticed me deep in thought so he tugged me with his huge paw. I looked down at him, sweet little thing, I thought, he looks like he knew everything without me having to say it.
I finished eating, gathered up the dishes and brought it to the sink.
My gramma is still there, still scrubbing the precious pan,
"Let me take care of that, you go get some sleep now." she said, looking at the dishes I put on the sink.
See, how life is easy with her? I nodded,
"Ok, I'm going to bed.." was all I can say. I wanted to say that I appreciate everything she has done for me but it was like saying goodbye, I'm only gonna be away for a couple of months, then I'm going back. No need to be sentimental. No drama please...for now.
Labels: Damien, decisions, gramma, home, moving out, pink crimson
An Easy Solution
05-17-2010 Monday
Sometimes, the easiest solution is right under our nose, it's just there yet we barely notice it and when we found out about it, it's like wanting to slap your head feeling stupid, thinking why haven't you thought about it. That's exactly what I'm feeling now when the solution to my big problem finally came. The solution came from no one else but me, and it's more of a realization.
I feel tough again, pushing the weakling inside me aside. It's all so simple. We'll live together, we'll be like housemates, we do whatever we want, I'll care less about what he's up to, and be done with the whole thing once this being that's binding us is set free. I have my own plans. All he knows is that I'm simply following his wishes. I'll let him believe that he can control me. Then, I'll break him to pieces.
Well, I won't deny the fact that I still love him and I'm happy to live with him for a few months, but I have to be careful. He has shown me different sides of himself that I'm confused on what to believe in. I can't always rely on my feelings, I also have to use my brain and think smart. He has hurt me enough, I've been through a lot for him and I can't wait 'till it's payback time.
I'm done crying. Finally, I felt that my tears have run dry. I think that when the person you love has hurt you a lot, you start pitying yourself, you feel broken, you cry 'till you ran out of tears, then, when the tears have subsided, you realize it's time to stand up and kick some overbearing ass. I'm on that last part now. I've stood up and brushed off the dust on my knees.
After we talked last night, I told my gramma about it earlier today. She looked sad and hesitant to let me go but she know she had to. This is the easiest way out. When I saw the sadness in her weary eyes, I felt hurt. I know how much she loves me, I know how much she wanted to be the one to take care of me during this ordeal, but we both know, that I need to be away, to escape, and hide.
"It's your decision.." she said, wiping her hands with a hand towel. She just finished washing the dishes.
We were in the kitchen and I can still smell the food she cooked. I suddenly realized how much I'll miss the food she's preparing for me. Which also reminds me, I don't freaking know how to cook,and Alex might not have time to cook, shit..
"It'll only be for a few months..and I'll also visit on weekends while I still can..." I assured her.
"Nah. 3 months? Time flies fast we'll barely notice it.." she tried to sound non-chalant but I can still sense the sadness in her voice.
"What about your rent there?""We have an agreement. We pay fifty-fifty. We'll have legal papers to sign. He'll be doomed if he don't comply."She nodded,
"Yeah you should do that." she opened the fridge to get a glass of cold water.
"Would you bring the TV? Radio?"I shook my head.
"Nope. Just my computer. I'll only bring a few stuff with me.""Okay.." she emptied the glass in big gulps. I can feel that she wanted to say more but she's stopping herself. There are some instances when words aren't needed, just the mere silence is deafening.
"I guess I better start packing some of my things." I finally said after a few minutes.
She nodded quietly then busied herself in the kitchen.
I busied myself in transferring the clothes that I plan to bring with me in the smaller dura-box. I noticed Damien was staring at me with his almond black eyes as if asking me why I'm going away.
I sighed,
"I wish I have another choice.."I wish I do have another choice...
Labels: alex, Damien, gramma, housemate, moving out, pink crimson, rent
A Fine Ending
05-16-2010 Sunday
Now that I've thought about it, I realized walking away is cowardice and besides, it's like letting Alex live a happy single life free from any worries or responsibilities while I, alone, suffers? That can't fucking be. If my life is hell, then so will his.
Last night, I called up my uncle whose a policeman and we went to his boarding house so he could confront Alex, maybe scare him a bit, because the bastard was no longer scared of just my gramma alone. Unfortunately, the bastard refused to show up. I felt like laughing. I was mad but when I noticed that he was actually scared of going to jail, (of course that's what he'll think of considering the situation we're in), I was glad because he's the one looking like a sore loser in this fight.
We didn't get to confront him but we were able to talk to the bitches in the boarding house and luckily, their chairman was also there. How was I to know that the chairman knows him, and is a close friend of one of the boarders there. The chairman asked us what the problem is and I told everything. He's a nice guy, with a warm aura in him, something raw and real, unlike most people in a position who is thick with disguise and fake symphathy.
Chairman Warren Del Rosario, as he introduced himself was very concerned with my situation and he said he, himself will talk to Alex once he got the chance. He even gave me his number so I can text him if there's anything wrong. He's not faking or anything, he was really concerned, the look of worry on his face was real when he noticed that I was about to cry. He said things will be okay, and he has this authority in him that makes me believe that what he's saying is a fact.
Even though we didn't get to talk to Alex, I was thankful for having to meet their chairman, who understands, doesn't judge and is as real as he could get.
Today, I said to Alex that we need to talk for the last time before I start ruining everything in his life. I fucking mean it. If he's not gonna face his responsibility, he might as well suffer the consequences.
He had overtime and I waited for him at the corner Mini-stop in Blumentritt. I ordered an ice cream cone in Mini-stop then waited for him outside. He came a few minutes later, I saw him on the other side of the street, watching, making sure that I don't have anyone with me. I couldn't hide the smile as I lick my ice cream. I was really having a good time scaring the hell out of this bastard.
When he was sure that I was alone, he rode his motorcycle to the side of the convenient store. I kept on licking the ice cream. He was looking at me and my eyes were bright as I look back at him. It was a darn good time.
"What are you waiting for? Come on hop in." he said, looking exhausted.
I shrugged my shoulders. The chocolate ice cream is bittersweet and I focused on it like it's the only thing that matter. I hop behind him on the motorcycle, while nibbling at the sugar coated cone. Delicious.
He took me to the boarding house. Ok, that really wasn't my idea of place where we can talk seriously but whatever..if we have to be there, fine. He parked his motorcycle and I jumped out of it. Happy happy.
He bought a cigarette and sat on the bench. I followed him.
"What now?" he asked, blowing a big cloud of smoke.
I stared at the cigarette on his lips and it hit me that his cigarette intake has increased. He just smoked not more than 10 minutes ago. It's that stick that will kill him, for sure.
"What???" he asked again when he noticed that I was silent.
I snapped back to the matter at hand.
"What?" was the only thing I said.
"What do you want to happen now?" he looked aggravated.
I remained neutral
. "Face your responsibility. I'll agree to what you want, we'll live together, we pay for the rent together, and we do our own thing. Isn't that what you want? I wouldn't leave and let you live a lucky single guy. We'll make hell out of the lives of each other, together." "Fine." he quipped.
"You cook your own food, I cook mine. You wash your own laundry, I'll wash mine. It's like we're mere housemates." I added.
He took a long drag on his cigarette.
"Fine. Have it your way.""The one thing I wanted to be very clear about is the rent. We pay for it. Not just me, we. You pay your part, I'll pay mine. If you don't pay, you have to be kicked out." I said,
"Oh and one more thing, we'll stay here for now, since there's an available room downstairs, but once I found a better place, we'll move out. I don't want you staying here with this bitches protecting and owning you."He looked defeated. I know I have too many conditions but I want to have what I want.
He stood up and threw the cigarette after inhaling the last smoke out of it.
"It's settled then, let's go upstairs and tell mami about it so she can reserve the room.""Lead the way." It's an ending that will lead to something but at least I have him with me. We can be called a family, I don't know how long, but at least now we can call it that.
Labels: alex, family, love, making it work, pink crimson, relationships
Facing Janus
05-14-2010 Friday
For a brief second, I swore I saw my old caring, loving and gentle Alex behind those chocolate brown eyes as he stared at me during the night that should've been my final goodbye to him.
"When will you leave?" he asked, his voice breaking. I couldn't believe my ears that he sounded like he's actually sad about the whole thing.
I held his gaze firmly, not showing any emotions,
"This Sunday." I have to fake it so hard because if I don't, I might just break down and cry in front of him, which is something I promised I won't do again.
He swallowed hard,
"Will we see each other again?" I focused on his eyes. Somewhere, deep inside, there's my old Alex, wanting to get out. Outside, I saw the Alex that he has become, cold and distant
. "Maybe not." I kept my voice calm and low.
He closed his eyes then opened them again. He let his hand move from my waist up to my face. His hand caressed my face gently, like what he used to before, my old sweet Alex.
I let him touch my face. I didn't close my eyes to savor the touch. I kept my face blank and devoid of any emotion. In the back of my mind, I was begging to hear the words
'Don't go, I need you, I love you, let's make it work' from him. I was hoping, even though I don't want to. It will only hurt even more.
His hands continued to move gently on my face, while his eyes never left mine. I wondered if he's doing this to remember me forever. I wondered if it means, he's letting me go and he's willing to end everything tonight.
He leaned forward to kiss me. I let him.
"Do you love me?" I dared to ask.
"I do. I love you very much." he said, kissing me again.
'Then why? Why are you letting me leave?' I shouted in my head.
"Remember that you told me on how your feelings were not what it used to be? You said you loved me less now?" I asked the questions that badly need an answer.
He shook his head.
"I love you just the same." he hugged me tight.
I folded myself in his arms. He said the words I wanted to hear, but not all of it. I'm still wishing he'll stop me from leaving.
"Why are you letting me go?" I can't help but ask.
"Because I know you'll be back." he answered, sounding sure of himself. He sounded as sure as he was before when he has predicted that I will fall in love with him madly. I feared the thought that he knows me better than I know myself.
"How can you be so sure?" He didn't say anything.
"I know you'll find another while I'm gone." I said.
"That's impossible." was all he said.
I let him kiss me once again. I held him tight. I know that something will still go wrong after this but I want to feel him for one more time. I want to feel his love, while I'm still with him, while I can still touch him. I'll worry about the rest later.
In the morning, I was the first one to wake up as usual. I checked his cellphone. The messages saved were mostly from me. I checked the Gallery. He has a new picture of himself and his mio. I went through all the old pictures. Nothing new. No girls, good. Then, I stopped. I went back to the Images folder where our old photos were saved. I didn't see any photo of me and us anymore. Thinking I might've missed it, I re-checked it again. Gone.
I asked him about it when he woke up. I was surprised to find that he was back to being the cold Alex. He was mad that I sounded like I'm making a big deal out of such a simple thing. I said I wasn't mad, I just wanna know what that means.
He said it was all saved in the computer and if I want to, he can put it all back on his cellphone. I asked if it means that he's really moving on without me, and he was mad again. His eyes were dark, no hint of the caring guy that I've seen last night.
I was more confused. Was the Alex I slept with last night different from the Alex that woke up in the morning? It's like the guy I was with just the night before was a completely different person. One guy, two faces.
I didn't push him any further. I've already made up my mind. I had a plan. If my life is screwed up, then I'll make damn sure that his is well screwed as well.
Labels: alex, goodbye, love, making it work, Memories, pink crimson, relationships
Elections Buzz
05-10-2010 Monday
Regardless of the fact that I had no sleep at all, I still went to the precinct to vote and be part of the country's very first automated election. Having no sleep is like a normal phenomena for me, nothing new as far as my night routine goes-- I lie in bed, stay awake, let the memories consume me, then I cry. That's exactly what I did last night, add the tossing and turning as well. Bothered; that's what I am.
Since it's useless to stay in bed, I got out of it the moment I heard my gramma woke up. I checked the clock when she turned the lights on. 3:30AM. Too early for a lot of things. She was a bit surprised when she saw me following her in the kitchen but I didn't say anything. Silence has become a good friend of mine lately.
I prepared myself a bowl of oatmeal for breakfast. I ate in silence, there's no sense to talk about how bad my night had been. Damien did the usual greet of touching my lap with his big paws. I scratched his head and for a second, I felt good, having a dog is priceless.
At around 6 am, me, my gramma and mom went to the nearby school in our place where we are assigned to vote. The school is getting crowded when we get there. I forgot my precinct number so it took me more than half an hour to know what my cluster is. My mom and gramma are on the same precinct and they didn't have a hard time finding theirs.
First automated election? What about it? The line was longer, the wait was even harder, and there's still the same problem of not finding their names on the master list.
When I finally found my precinct, the sun was starting to rise high in the sky and I stood in line outside for nearly two hours before I was able to enter the classroom which I first thought was where I can cast my vote, but turns out, it was JUST the holding area/waiting area. So I waited another 2 hours or so before I was able to vote.
I think what makes the wait longer is because of the fact that there are clusters now, which basically means, 4-5 precincts are squeezed into one, which means more names, more waiting in line, less machines. Smells fishy to me. The government sure has enough budget to provide ONE Picos machine PER Precinct, instead of combining precincts to clusters.
So I waited in line. And waited. And waited. My mom and gramma was able to finish first. They checked me in my precinct. I was getting impatient, it was getting hot, I was sweating, hungry, thirsty and I saw the concerned look on my gramma's face while my mom has the usual don't-give-a-damn blank stare. My gramma asked me if there's anything I would like, and I said that a bottle of ice cold water will be more than enough.
They left to go home. My gramma came back within half an hour, her hands full of the water tumbler and a plastic bag that contained some snacks. I was thankful for the water. It was almost 10 in the morning and I was only inches close to being irate.
Finally, after 5 hours of waiting in line, I was able to vote. The ballot was a hell of a paper. It was long, wide and the circles that you need to shade are extremely small, that I began to wonder how the elderly voters would see these freaking circles. The Party List section consumed the most space in the front of the ballot, while the Mayor, Vice Mayor and Representatives position are hidden in the back. Due to that, my gramma missed the back portion, therefore, missing the chance to vote for the remaining positions printed there.
We were back in the house by 11:30. I can't believe that I just spent more than 5 hours of my life for this day waiting in line. Not to mention that it didn't do much to make me forget about the things that are bothering me. I was tired, spent, and I still want to shoot myself in the head after the long day.
Long day..and I still have to work later...bummed!
Labels: Automated election, ballot, cluster, Elections, Philippines, pink crimson, precinct
A Weekend Alone
05-09-2010 Sunday
I'm used to being alone. Ever since I gave up my vices like going out late at night to drink, smoke and get wasted, I transformed to a boring homebody who prefers to be at home and do nothing but sleep or during some instances, cry my eyes out when certain things come into my mind. Like this weekend for example, I don't have any plans so I'm stuck at home, thinking.
I woke up early, it was only 4 in the morning, I think because it's still dark and no one is up yet. I glanced around the dark room, the curtain is slightly open and the light from a nearby lamppost shines inside our room. I see shadows. I hear voices from people walking outside. I hear the steady hum of the electric fan that manages to make it through out the night without being turned off, that's how hot it is lately, you simply can't live without a fan.
I checked my cherry mobile phone. No message. No missed call. I missed him even more. Around this time before, he would be sleeping beside me and I would wake him up, prepare his breakfast then off he'll go to work after taking a quick bath. That's how it used to be, that's how it ought to be for the rest of our lives. Now, it's all gone. I'm walking away from it.
I looked at my gramma sleeping on the floor, beside her is my mom, and I think about how much I love them both..well..uhhmm, I love my gramma more. I think about the things she has sacrificed for me, all those times that she was there beside me, how she would be willing to beat the hell out of anyone that will try to mess with me. She's the kindest, sweetest person I know and I don't want to be separated from her.
However, with the things happening in our family, especially with my mom, who's starting to have difficulty in sleeping again, I think it's impossible for us to stay together now. My gramma has to take care of my mom, my mom needs her more than I do. I'm not the one with a mental illness, anyway.
I chose to walk away, go home to the province and leave Alex but the more I think about my decision, the more I'm realizing it might be a mistake. For one, I love him, it's like punishing myself. Two, I'll be setting him free, he'll be living like a single guy with no freaking responsibilities while I'm suffering on my own? That can't be. If I will suffer, he has to suffer with me. We're in this mess together. God, if I have to get a fucking policeman to catch him, handcuffed, then so be it, I can't let him get away just like that.
That's what I'm thinking about this weekend. I'm tiring my brain cells in thinking this hard, trying to find the easiest solution to this big problem. I'm used to being alone, alone in peace, not like this, alone and bothered. I'm so screwed, I can feel it in every part of my being and I want to know how I can stop feeling like this..I need to know soon.
Labels: frustrations, gramma, mother, pink crimson, problems, province, Single
Definitions of Love
05-07-2010 Friday
"I searched for my ex in Facebook" I said to Elaine, my colleague and friend, as we ride in the bus together on our way home from the office, like what we usually do every morning.
Her bushy eyebrows raised up
, "Really? Did you find him?"I nodded,
"I did. He looks the same, only taller. I added him, I know he'll remember me, though it has been awhile.""Like, how long has it been?" she asked, curiously.
I thought for a moment,
"I was 12, he was 13 at that time." I counted with my fingers,
"9 years.. He was my first real crush, we didn't date or something, we just had a mutual feeling before."She was raising her eyebrows again,
"Hmm, sounds like a history.."I smiled,
"It is. He used to send me letters, he would give me those plastic toys or roses as gifts, you know those silly things a 12 year old would die for. When I look back, I realize how I define love before. Something simple, nothing complicated, we cry for the most unimportant matter.""I know what you mean." she said in agreement.
I looked outside the window, then I pondered my own words. When I compare my feelings before to what I am feeling now, I wonder how I even considered it as love. I also wonder how easy life was before when I was younger.
The reason why I'm digging up my past with that specific ex, is because I may be a little bit desperate to find someone else that I can give my attention to. I was just thinking since he was my what-they-call puppylove, maybe I can rekindle an old flame, at least, we have the same religion. Then, maybe I can move on and separate myself from Alex.
It was almost 7 in the morning, and the sun was starting to spread across the highway. I felt the sun hot against my face and I squinted a bit but I continued to look outside, barely paying attention to what Elaine was saying.
As the bus speed away, a monster on a busy highway, my attention was caught by the ordinary things around me. The weird thing was I remember Alex in almost everything I see. I saw a motorcycle rider speeding along, with a girl behind him, arms wrapped around his waist, and I remember the times when Alex used to pick me up from work with our good 'ol Alpha. I saw a guy having breakfast in a crowded Pares eatery, and I remember how much Alex likes to eat pares. I saw someone wearing a PULP Summer Slam tshirt and I remember how I met Alex. I'm pathetic, that I know.
How can I move on if every fucking thing seemed to have a connection with him? I haven't seen him in awhile but my mind is still filled with memories of our past. I've read this online: 'moving on is easy, it's what you leave behind that makes it hard'. True.
There's too many things, too many memories, and as far as I can remember, he's the only guy that I've ever loved this much. My definition of love has changed a lot over the years and I thank him tor letting me understand things I used to not give a damn about.
Yes, he's the one who taught me how to love, but too bad he forgot to teach me how to let go.
Things were easier before. Love was never this hard. I miss 6th grade.... :(
Labels: ex, facebook, Memories, pink crimson, PULP Summer Slam, puppy love
If's
04-05-2010 Wednesday
If I could have one more day, one more time to hold him, feel him beside me, I would give up everything just to be with him before I walk away from our memories. The date is set for the 16th of May and everytime I would look at the calendar, it seemed like that date is fast approaching. I hate to go, but it hurts to stay.
It has only been a week and 3 days and I'm already missing him like crazy. I go to work, I laugh with my colleagues, I go home tired, I look in the mirror and I see the girl looking back at me is not whole, it's like, a big chunk of myself is missing. Something's not right when I'm not with him, how can it happen, I've lived before he existed in my life, but why is it different now?
I sure don't believe in destiny, or soulmates, all those bullshits that pathetic hopeless romantics believe in. I also don't believe in the saying that if the person is meant for you, then you'll end up together no matter what. Bullshit. If you want someone so bad, if you think that the someone you're with is the one you can't live without, then go for it, fight for that person. Who knows, you might screw destiny up?
I'm torn between wanting to still fight for it or just go with my hard decision of letting go. If I fight for it, will I hurt myself even more? If I go away, will I regret that decision in the future? If's, but's, would or would not? Jesus, I'm so undecided.
Give me a freaking reason to stay. Please, I want to stay..
Labels: alex, destiny, fate, pink crimson, relationships, soulmate
In The Company of Friends
05-02-2010 Sunday
God knows I'll probably be locked up in some lunatic bin by now if I don't have any friends at work to keep me sane. I'm thankful they exist. I'm thankful they're still around to make me go to work, no matter how bad things are in our department.
Earlier today, after our shift, our manager treated us for a breakfast at McDo. We had a great time, talking, laughing and bonding together. We don't consider our team as a team, we consider it as our second family, well, for me, they're the only family I could count on. I can tell them things I don't tell my gramma, it really helps to have them around. When I resign, I'll always look back at my first job as the best one because of them.
Friends are great, aren't they? I'll definitely miss each and everyone of them when I go away. I'm happy that they're making the remaining days of my life worthwhile. I'm happy that I think less of my problems when I'm with them. But of course, at the end of the day, I go back to my loneliness, and I still wish to die.
Friends. Memories. The best of times.
I'll always be with them...
Labels: colleague, friends, NCO, pink crimson, work
The Fear of Not Dying
05-01-2010 Saturday
So this is what it likes to stop giving a fuck. Not caring about what's gonna happen, not caring at all if I die at anytime. What's the use of living anyway, if everything's being taken away from me? Besides, nobody gives a fuck anyway. My mom cares about sleeping, my gramma has my mom to think about, and Alex, is obviously satisfied living with the bitches on the boarding house. Why would anyone give a fuck about me?
If there's something I fear right now, it is the fear of not dying. I'm suddenly scared of being immortal. If dying is the only way to end the pain, so be it, I'll die happy. I seriously don't care anymore, I don't remember the last time I ever felt like this, surprisingly, it feels like being free. No worries. I can cross the street without being worried about the speeding cars and trucks, I can ride a recklessly fast bus without worrying about accidents, I can go back to ganja, black bat and beers, I can do any-fucking-thing!
I'm fucking free!Wow, if I've known this earlier, I could've stopped worrying sooner. Why worry? Everyone's gonna die, it's just a matter of when. If death will ask every human being to line up, with the first one in line being the one to die first, I'll fight my way to the start of the line. Believe me, I will.
I'd rather feel this way than feel any kind of hope. Hoping hurts more. When you simply stop trying, stop fighting, you make things easier..but if you keep on hoping for something to work out, you just feel disappointed if things go wrong, and the thing is, most of the time, things don't actually work out
I used to not understand people committing suicide, I was like, why end your life over something silly? I guess I spoke too soon because I've become too close to riding the death train. Until now, I'm still wondering what's holding me back from shooting a gun in my head. Err, okay, that's just a metaphor, I don't own a gun nor know anyone that does. What I mean to say is what am I living for? I lost my love, I'm also about to lose my faith if the truth comes out. In wanting to keep both things together, I ended up losing all of it. I'm a fucking failure and I need to fucking die soon.
I miss him so bad. I wish there's an easier way out. Unfortunately, there's no other option. I chose to go some place far away from him. The province, far away from the complicated city life. I was thinking, living in the province might be difficult for me but what other choices do I have? I can see myself there, in the place of nowhere, doing nothing. How can I move on if there's nothing to keep me busy? Shit. I thought that the decision I've made is the best one. I might need to re-think that.
Question is do I still have the time to think about it? The more I stay here, the more upset I get. I don't wanna have to deal with this whole thing, I wanna get out of it, escape, run as fast as I can, as soon as I can and not look back. It hurts more than I could ever imagine but there's so many things blocking the way.
I don't fear dying. I really don't. I fear more of living long enough to carry the pain. Goodbye world, you've done enough to me....
Labels: darkness, death, goodbye, hopeless, pink crimson, suicide
Would or Would Not
04-30-2010 Friday
I was cleaning my face with a cotton soaked in make up remover in front of the mirror when I heard my mom say,
"Let me remind you, that place is far from malls, hospitals..far from civilization. We mean it."I rolled my eyes in the mirror,
'that's exactly where I want to be right now', I thought to myself. Of course, my gramma has been telling me about it. Of course, I know they mean it, it's a freaking province, it's probably right in the middle of nowhere but considering the situation I'm in, it makes the place more than inviting. I just wish they would stop trying to talk me out of it. I'm already having a hard time making the decision that I feel like I can change my mind at any time because a big part of me (maybe it's the weakling part) doesn't want to go but the small part of my brain that tries to stay rational is telling me that it's the right thing to do.
I realized she's waiting for an answer so I said,
"That's okay with me. I'm tired of working. I want to be some place where I don't have to work hard". I tried to keep my voice calm but I can't hide the firmness on my tone. I'm slightly mad again at her. She's been at home for more than a month now and I remember her telling me before she got out of the rehab that she'll only rest for a few days then she'll find a job to help me out. Look at her now, still at home, sleeping for more than 10 hours per day. Greatt.
I don't want to be mad at her anymore because maybe my anger with my own mother is what's causing the failures of my life. Though, sometimes, when I think about our situation, and the fact that she's obviously not doing anything to help out financially, it still makes me mad. It's not easy to find a job but it's harder to find one if you're not looking for it, right?
"I'm just reminding you.." she sort of mumbled and went back to sleep.
I shrugged my shoulders, disposed the used cottons and ate my breakfast. Damien wagged his tail and reached out to my lap. I patted him with one hand and thought how great it is to have a dog. The best companion ever. Better than boys. Why? Because dogs have fur, boys don't.
After I'm done with my morning ritual, which includes washing my face, applying scar removers on my scars and taking a dump (yeah, you really have to know all of that), I climbed up to my bed, pulled the blanket up to my face and tried to get some sleep. It was hard. Different thoughts are drifting inside my head. Am I really gonna leave this city for good? It's running away from everything, hiding in a lie,and forgetting the one person I truly loved. Can I really do that?
For a change, I didn't cry. I let my mind wander for a couple of minutes. Then, darkness came. I submitted myself willingly.
Labels: choices, darkness, death, decisions, mother, pink crimson, province
A Step at A Time
04-29-2010 Thursday
I can do this.How hard could it be right? Forgetting him, fixing my life, trying to stay whole..it's all so darn easy that it's making me wonder why I didn't do it sooner. If I did, I could've saved myself from further humiliation and pain.
Now that I sold my sony ericsson cellphone, I have no means of communication with anyone. I used to think I could never live without a cellphone but being without a cellphone for an entire day, it actually feels good. I don't have to glance at it every now and then, hoping to see a message from someone and feel disappointed if I don't see any. No cellphone=no worries, no disappointments, no false hopes. It's as good as it gets.
Actually, I already have another cellphone. The uber basic P1 from Cherry Mobile, a local brand of cellphone that's just starting out in the market. Here's what it looks like:
When I say basic, I mean it. It doesn't even look like a cellphone, it resembles a calculator more than anything. Compact, thin, and simple. Just the way I like it. My life has been too complicated that I decided to keep some things simple.
Even though I already have a phone, I decided to use it less, most of the time, it stays in my bag, turned off. I don't want anyone to bother me, to make me change my mind again. I know myself too well. One simple message from him and I'll be stepping backwards, back to him again and I don't wanna do that. Uhmm,there's a huge part of me that wants to come back to him and try again, that's the weak side of me. The other part, the one trying to be strong, is making decisions of leaving to completely get rid of him. I want the strong one to stand out, so that I can destroy the weakling in me.
Two days ago, my manager showed me the message he sent to her, asking if I went to work. I tried not to feel anything but inside, I'm already hoping again. The other day, it was my colleague Elaine that he texted, asking how I'm doing. I asked Elaine if she replied, she said yes, she told him I'm at work and doing ok. I slapped my forehead. I should've known he would try to contact them. I told Elaine that the next time he text her, just tell him I resigned and went to hell. She looked at me with her eyebrows crossed as if wanting to ask me if I mean it but don't wanna say it out loud. I sighed,
"Just tell him". She shrugged and said
"Okay, if you say so..."She didn't ask anything else. I'm thankful she did not. I don't want to share the details of my failed relationship. I don't want to talk about it anymore. Going through the details is like playing a rewind button and going back to the painful memories that I'm trying my best to forget.
Walking away is not easy, I have to drag my feet to be able to move. I'm doing it one painful step at a time. When you're trying to forget someone, you have to start first with forgetting the feeling of having that someone beside you. You have to get used to the lack of his presence, get used to the feeling of longing, get over the fact that everything you've built together over a long period of time are nothing but ruins of the past, a past that will be buried to decay.
Tragic, isn't it? When you have so much love to give, and you know that there's still love between the two of you, but the overwhelming circumstances are forcing you to separate. Why does it have to feel so perfect when it's not meant to be? Am I wrong from the very beginning?
I have one big mistake. Way back when we were just starting out, I should've talked to him about our religion differences. He has all the time before, he was jobless and he was always with me. I should've taken advantage of that and took him to our worship services. If I did that, I'll find out earlier if he'll be willing to convert for our relationship. If I've known earlier then it'll be easier for me to break up with him before because I don't freaking love him this MUCH before!
My feelings for him, I don't fucking know how it happened, it just started to grow and get deeper. I felt scared but it felt right so I let myself fall. We've been together for a year, and looking back, I can say that it is the best year of my life. Too bad that it has to end this way.
'Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.' I remember that old quote I've read before. True. I still smile these days..but honestly,it's not doing much to numb the pain.
Labels: cherry mobile, hopeless, pain, relationships, tragic
Pseudo-apathetic Decision
04-28-2010 Wednesday
"Is that really your final decision?" that question never fails to catch me off-guard. My gramma has asked me that for the -nth time and I should be used to answering a confident 'yes' with both my eyes looking back at her.
There's always a pause. I hate it. I hate the fact that it shows how I hate the decision I'm making. I hate the fact that I have to show them that I'm such a strong person to make this decision. But for the sake of everyone involved, I have to fake being strong, even though it's breaking every part of my being.
It's just a pause, a mere fraction of seconds, but it's long enough for me to have a mental playback of the happy moments I've shared with Alex, and as they come, the pain comes along with it. The pain is almost unbearable, making it harder for me to say the words. There's a huge lump in my throat, I have to swallow hard, swallowing my words with it and I always end up answering the question with a nod.
"You have to make the decision, just one. There should be no turning back once you've decided." she said, emphasizing the words
'no turning back.''I know.' I thought to myself,
'and I can't go back anyway'. The words that came out instead were,
"Yes. My decision is final."My gramma shrugged and heaved a long sigh before getting back to the cloth she's sewing. I know she can tell that I'm only forced to make the decision and I can feel that she's hurting for me because there's not much she can do to help me get out of the mess that I'm in.
A mess. Yeah, that's what my life is right now. A life in shambles. I did try to hold on to two different things--my faith and my beloved, I fought for both. I sure don't want to lose my faith, that's like losing my life, but losing him means losing half of my life. I want to stay as whole as possible but it looks like I have to choose between dying and living without half of my life's meaning.
I'm done with the embarrassment. Last Monday was the worst of all. I didn't post the details of it because it's just too awfully shameful. All I can share is I've learned one important thing: the motherfucking bitches in the boarding house has populated Alex's mind. They're so in control of him and they wouldn't let him go. God, I should've known that he's tied to them from head to foot, cock to balls.
I've seen a droplet of hope last Sunday when I was able to take Alex to the minister in our church and he has the chance to listen to our teachings. I thought that's the beginning of it. I know that he's smart enough to understand what he's listening to. I just didn't realize that he's smart but he doesn't like thinking out of the box. He wants a religion that wouldn't require much sacrifice. He's not man enough to face the bigger responsibility or to even look at the bigger picture.
I'm disappointed, and hurt. So I made a decision to walk away. Far away, where I can completely move on and forget that I ever met him, that he ever came into my life. I realized, that the hardest part is not the letting go or the moving on, the hardest is finding the pieces of myself to put it all back together. The hardest is to become whole again after my dreams and hopes were shattered altogether.
How could I wish for a happy ending when I damn well know that it doesn't fucking exist? It's only a made-up story for little fucking princesses who's not old enough yet to realize the cruel realities of life.
Looks like I would never get to walk the aisle to marry the guy I loved and cherished. I choose my faith. I failed to keep him. I have no reasons to stay anymore. This is the bitter goodbye.
"Stop crying, you're only punishing yourself. He's not worth it. Make sure he doesn't come back to this house or else...God help me, I might knock his face off." my gramma told me when she noticed me crying in the corner.
Crying, my most recent hobby, by the way. I wish I can make myself stop but the tears seem to fall on their own. I cry for myself. I cry for Alex. I cry for the future that will never be. I cry for my failure, my sins, and the most bitter tear I've shed is for the people I've hurt along the way. I failed them without meaning to.
I thought I could still save it, I thought I still have the time..oh wait, I have the time, I think this has happened not because I was too late, it's because there are some things, no matter how perfect they may seem to be in the beginning, that's meant to end tragically.
Labels: alex, gramma, hopeless, hurt, pain, pink crimson, province, tragic
Meet my ALEX
04-24-2010 Saturday
Out of the blue, I decided to list down the things I know about Alex. I think being a girl, I'm good at being attentive to details about my special someone. Guys, on the other hand, are a completely different subject when it comes to sentimental shits and remembering stuff. That's how insensitive they are.
I was thinking this because he's the one that has lasted this long with me. One straight year of ups and downs, good and bad, tears and smiles and in spite of everything, I find myself falling even more instead of falling out of love like what used to happen before in my past relationships. Now that we've been together for a year, I just want to remember the things I've known about him, so that I can also make a comparison of what made him different to my past boyfriends, haha.
Kidding aside, if I may just share, he's not someone that stands out in the crowd or something, he's someone you might consider good looking at a quick glance (haha) but he's not the kind of good looking that drives hot chicks mad. He's just a regular guy, without money on his pocket, who gets by everyday by some strange mercy of fate. Not the kind of dreamguy most girls dream about but to me, he's fine just the way he is.
What I like about our relationship is that we know each other, there's that connection that goes way beyond, something I've never had with my previous relationships.
Here goes my list:
*Alex adores cars and motorcycles. Most especially motorcycle, that's why he loves his new Mio to death. If there will ever be a mistress in our relationship, it will be the damn Mio. He takes care of it like it's a child that needs much attention. Sometimes I envy his time spent with that thing than his time with me, oh well, at least it's not a girl.
*He's a motorcycle drag racer. I've shown my disapproval for his risky hobby and we've even had fights about it. He said he won't race again after the crying fit I had when we were in Cavite and I witnessed how terrifyingly dangerous it is, but lately, I had a feeling that he's up to it again. I don't want to contradict anymore, as long as I don't see him at it so I don't worry much.
*He's an all around guy. He's a cellphone technician, a mechanic, a cook, a hell of a driver and everything in between. The jack of all trades type. I used to wonder how he managed to learn a lot of things but then I noticed how nosy he is, I stopped wondering.
*His favorite dish? Beef Pares.
*Like I mentioned, he's a hell of a driver, and I don't mean just because he's good at handling the wheels, it's also because he knows the twists, turns,and shortcuts to every damn street anywhere. From Manila area to his hometown Cavite, to Laguna, to Bicol, to Nueva Ecija, name it, he'll drive you there.
*He likes kids. In the boarding house, kids are everywhere and I'll never understand why he never lose his patience with all the screaming, crying and tugging and all those annoying things kids do. Maybe he thinks it's cute, for me it's not. Siggh.
*He wears nothing but boxer shorts when he sleeps.
*He always has a lit cigarette with him whenever he would take a dump.
*He doesn't believe in the power of perfume. He's like a cat that feels comfortable smelling his own scent. I've given him a perfume as a gift last year and I rarely smell him with it so I think this year, I need to think of something else to give him. Darn.
*He thinks he's oozing with sex appeal but I always beg to disagree. :D
So there, just some things I wanna share about him. I've talked about him in most of my posts so I decided to list down some basic stuff about him that some readers (if I have readers on this blog..hmmm) don't know yet for y'all to get to know him a bit more.
Maybe in writing this, some people who knew me already can come up with the verdict if we're a match made in heaven or the other way around. If it's the other way around, uhh..opposites attract right? Sheesh, I appreciate an honest opinion even though it's not really necessary.
Labels: alex, cars, cavite, drag race, mio, motorcycle, pink crimson
