Would or Would Not

04-30-2010 Friday

I was cleaning my face with a cotton soaked in make up remover in front of the mirror when I heard my mom say, "Let me remind you, that place is far from malls, hospitals..far from civilization. We mean it."

I rolled my eyes in the mirror, 'that's exactly where I want to be right now', I thought to myself. Of course, my gramma has been telling me about it. Of course, I know they mean it, it's a freaking province, it's probably right in the middle of nowhere but considering the situation I'm in, it makes the place more than inviting. I just wish they would stop trying to talk me out of it. I'm already having a hard time making the decision that I feel like I can change my mind at any time because a big part of me (maybe it's the weakling part) doesn't want to go but the small part of my brain that tries to stay rational is telling me that it's the right thing to do.

I realized she's waiting for an answer so I said, "That's okay with me. I'm tired of working. I want to be some place where I don't have to work hard". I tried to keep my voice calm but I can't hide the firmness on my tone. I'm slightly mad again at her. She's been at home for more than a month now and I remember her telling me before she got out of the rehab that she'll only rest for a few days then she'll find a job to help me out. Look at her now, still at home, sleeping for more than 10 hours per day. Greatt.

I don't want to be mad at her anymore because maybe my anger with my own mother is what's causing the failures of my life. Though, sometimes, when I think about our situation, and the fact that she's obviously not doing anything to help out financially, it still makes me mad. It's not easy to find a job but it's harder to find one if you're not looking for it, right?

"I'm just reminding you.." she sort of mumbled and went back to sleep.

I shrugged my shoulders, disposed the used cottons and ate my breakfast. Damien wagged his tail and reached out to my lap. I patted him with one hand and thought how great it is to have a dog. The best companion ever. Better than boys. Why? Because dogs have fur, boys don't.

After I'm done with my morning ritual, which includes washing my face, applying scar removers on my scars and taking a dump (yeah, you really have to know all of that), I climbed up to my bed, pulled the blanket up to my face and tried to get some sleep. It was hard. Different thoughts are drifting inside my head. Am I really gonna leave this city for good? It's running away from everything, hiding in a lie,and forgetting the one person I truly loved. Can I really do that?

For a change, I didn't cry. I let my mind wander for a couple of minutes. Then, darkness came. I submitted myself willingly.

Labels: choices, darkness, death, decisions, mother, pink crimson, province

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 5:48 AM