A Step at A Time

04-29-2010 Thursday

I can do this.

How hard could it be right? Forgetting him, fixing my life, trying to stay whole..it's all so darn easy that it's making me wonder why I didn't do it sooner. If I did, I could've saved myself from further humiliation and pain.

Now that I sold my sony ericsson cellphone, I have no means of communication with anyone. I used to think I could never live without a cellphone but being without a cellphone for an entire day, it actually feels good. I don't have to glance at it every now and then, hoping to see a message from someone and feel disappointed if I don't see any. No cellphone=no worries, no disappointments, no false hopes. It's as good as it gets.

Actually, I already have another cellphone. The uber basic P1 from Cherry Mobile, a local brand of cellphone that's just starting out in the market. Here's what it looks like:




When I say basic, I mean it. It doesn't even look like a cellphone, it resembles a calculator more than anything. Compact, thin, and simple. Just the way I like it. My life has been too complicated that I decided to keep some things simple.

Even though I already have a phone, I decided to use it less, most of the time, it stays in my bag, turned off. I don't want anyone to bother me, to make me change my mind again. I know myself too well. One simple message from him and I'll be stepping backwards, back to him again and I don't wanna do that. Uhmm,there's a huge part of me that wants to come back to him and try again, that's the weak side of me. The other part, the one trying to be strong, is making decisions of leaving to completely get rid of him. I want the strong one to stand out, so that I can destroy the weakling in me.

Two days ago, my manager showed me the message he sent to her, asking if I went to work. I tried not to feel anything but inside, I'm already hoping again. The other day, it was my colleague Elaine that he texted, asking how I'm doing. I asked Elaine if she replied, she said yes, she told him I'm at work and doing ok. I slapped my forehead. I should've known he would try to contact them. I told Elaine that the next time he text her, just tell him I resigned and went to hell. She looked at me with her eyebrows crossed as if wanting to ask me if I mean it but don't wanna say it out loud. I sighed, "Just tell him". She shrugged and said "Okay, if you say so..."

She didn't ask anything else. I'm thankful she did not. I don't want to share the details of my failed relationship. I don't want to talk about it anymore. Going through the details is like playing a rewind button and going back to the painful memories that I'm trying my best to forget.

Walking away is not easy, I have to drag my feet to be able to move. I'm doing it one painful step at a time. When you're trying to forget someone, you have to start first with forgetting the feeling of having that someone beside you. You have to get used to the lack of his presence, get used to the feeling of longing, get over the fact that everything you've built together over a long period of time are nothing but ruins of the past, a past that will be buried to decay.

Tragic, isn't it? When you have so much love to give, and you know that there's still love between the two of you, but the overwhelming circumstances are forcing you to separate. Why does it have to feel so perfect when it's not meant to be? Am I wrong from the very beginning?

I have one big mistake. Way back when we were just starting out, I should've talked to him about our religion differences. He has all the time before, he was jobless and he was always with me. I should've taken advantage of that and took him to our worship services. If I did that, I'll find out earlier if he'll be willing to convert for our relationship. If I've known earlier then it'll be easier for me to break up with him before because I don't freaking love him this MUCH before!

My feelings for him, I don't fucking know how it happened, it just started to grow and get deeper. I felt scared but it felt right so I let myself fall. We've been together for a year, and looking back, I can say that it is the best year of my life. Too bad that it has to end this way.

'Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.' I remember that old quote I've read before. True. I still smile these days..but honestly,it's not doing much to numb the pain.

Labels: cherry mobile, hopeless, pain, relationships, tragic

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 5:46 AM 0 Comments

Pseudo-apathetic Decision

04-28-2010 Wednesday

"Is that really your final decision?" that question never fails to catch me off-guard. My gramma has asked me that for the -nth time and I should be used to answering a confident 'yes' with both my eyes looking back at her.

There's always a pause. I hate it. I hate the fact that it shows how I hate the decision I'm making. I hate the fact that I have to show them that I'm such a strong person to make this decision. But for the sake of everyone involved, I have to fake being strong, even though it's breaking every part of my being.

It's just a pause, a mere fraction of seconds, but it's long enough for me to have a mental playback of the happy moments I've shared with Alex, and as they come, the pain comes along with it. The pain is almost unbearable, making it harder for me to say the words. There's a huge lump in my throat, I have to swallow hard, swallowing my words with it and I always end up answering the question with a nod.

"You have to make the decision, just one. There should be no turning back once you've decided." she said, emphasizing the words 'no turning back.'

'I know.' I thought to myself, 'and I can't go back anyway'. The words that came out instead were, "Yes. My decision is final."

My gramma shrugged and heaved a long sigh before getting back to the cloth she's sewing. I know she can tell that I'm only forced to make the decision and I can feel that she's hurting for me because there's not much she can do to help me get out of the mess that I'm in.

A mess. Yeah, that's what my life is right now. A life in shambles. I did try to hold on to two different things--my faith and my beloved, I fought for both. I sure don't want to lose my faith, that's like losing my life, but losing him means losing half of my life. I want to stay as whole as possible but it looks like I have to choose between dying and living without half of my life's meaning.

I'm done with the embarrassment. Last Monday was the worst of all. I didn't post the details of it because it's just too awfully shameful. All I can share is I've learned one important thing: the motherfucking bitches in the boarding house has populated Alex's mind. They're so in control of him and they wouldn't let him go. God, I should've known that he's tied to them from head to foot, cock to balls.

I've seen a droplet of hope last Sunday when I was able to take Alex to the minister in our church and he has the chance to listen to our teachings. I thought that's the beginning of it. I know that he's smart enough to understand what he's listening to. I just didn't realize that he's smart but he doesn't like thinking out of the box. He wants a religion that wouldn't require much sacrifice. He's not man enough to face the bigger responsibility or to even look at the bigger picture.

I'm disappointed, and hurt. So I made a decision to walk away. Far away, where I can completely move on and forget that I ever met him, that he ever came into my life. I realized, that the hardest part is not the letting go or the moving on, the hardest is finding the pieces of myself to put it all back together. The hardest is to become whole again after my dreams and hopes were shattered altogether.

How could I wish for a happy ending when I damn well know that it doesn't fucking exist? It's only a made-up story for little fucking princesses who's not old enough yet to realize the cruel realities of life.

Looks like I would never get to walk the aisle to marry the guy I loved and cherished. I choose my faith. I failed to keep him. I have no reasons to stay anymore. This is the bitter goodbye.

"Stop crying, you're only punishing yourself. He's not worth it. Make sure he doesn't come back to this house or else...God help me, I might knock his face off." my gramma told me when she noticed me crying in the corner.

Crying, my most recent hobby, by the way. I wish I can make myself stop but the tears seem to fall on their own. I cry for myself. I cry for Alex. I cry for the future that will never be. I cry for my failure, my sins, and the most bitter tear I've shed is for the people I've hurt along the way. I failed them without meaning to.

I thought I could still save it, I thought I still have the time..oh wait, I have the time, I think this has happened not because I was too late, it's because there are some things, no matter how perfect they may seem to be in the beginning, that's meant to end tragically.

Labels: alex, gramma, hopeless, hurt, pain, pink crimson, province, tragic

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 5:42 AM 0 Comments