Facing Janus

05-14-2010 Friday

For a brief second, I swore I saw my old caring, loving and gentle Alex behind those chocolate brown eyes as he stared at me during the night that should've been my final goodbye to him.

"When will you leave?" he asked, his voice breaking. I couldn't believe my ears that he sounded like he's actually sad about the whole thing.

I held his gaze firmly, not showing any emotions, "This Sunday." I have to fake it so hard because if I don't, I might just break down and cry in front of him, which is something I promised I won't do again.

He swallowed hard, "Will we see each other again?"

I focused on his eyes. Somewhere, deep inside, there's my old Alex, wanting to get out. Outside, I saw the Alex that he has become, cold and distant. "Maybe not." I kept my voice calm and low.

He closed his eyes then opened them again. He let his hand move from my waist up to my face. His hand caressed my face gently, like what he used to before, my old sweet Alex.

I let him touch my face. I didn't close my eyes to savor the touch. I kept my face blank and devoid of any emotion. In the back of my mind, I was begging to hear the words 'Don't go, I need you, I love you, let's make it work' from him. I was hoping, even though I don't want to. It will only hurt even more.

His hands continued to move gently on my face, while his eyes never left mine. I wondered if he's doing this to remember me forever. I wondered if it means, he's letting me go and he's willing to end everything tonight.

He leaned forward to kiss me. I let him.

"Do you love me?" I dared to ask.

"I do. I love you very much." he said, kissing me again.

'Then why? Why are you letting me leave?' I shouted in my head.

"Remember that you told me on how your feelings were not what it used to be? You said you loved me less now?" I asked the questions that badly need an answer.

He shook his head. "I love you just the same." he hugged me tight.

I folded myself in his arms. He said the words I wanted to hear, but not all of it. I'm still wishing he'll stop me from leaving.

"Why are you letting me go?" I can't help but ask.

"Because I know you'll be back." he answered, sounding sure of himself. He sounded as sure as he was before when he has predicted that I will fall in love with him madly. I feared the thought that he knows me better than I know myself.

"How can you be so sure?"

He didn't say anything.

"I know you'll find another while I'm gone." I said.

"That's impossible." was all he said.

I let him kiss me once again. I held him tight. I know that something will still go wrong after this but I want to feel him for one more time. I want to feel his love, while I'm still with him, while I can still touch him. I'll worry about the rest later.

In the morning, I was the first one to wake up as usual. I checked his cellphone. The messages saved were mostly from me. I checked the Gallery. He has a new picture of himself and his mio. I went through all the old pictures. Nothing new. No girls, good. Then, I stopped. I went back to the Images folder where our old photos were saved. I didn't see any photo of me and us anymore. Thinking I might've missed it, I re-checked it again. Gone.

I asked him about it when he woke up. I was surprised to find that he was back to being the cold Alex. He was mad that I sounded like I'm making a big deal out of such a simple thing. I said I wasn't mad, I just wanna know what that means.

He said it was all saved in the computer and if I want to, he can put it all back on his cellphone. I asked if it means that he's really moving on without me, and he was mad again. His eyes were dark, no hint of the caring guy that I've seen last night.

I was more confused. Was the Alex I slept with last night different from the Alex that woke up in the morning? It's like the guy I was with just the night before was a completely different person. One guy, two faces.

I didn't push him any further. I've already made up my mind. I had a plan. If my life is screwed up, then I'll make damn sure that his is well screwed as well.

Labels: alex, goodbye, love, making it work, Memories, pink crimson, relationships

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 7:27 PM