A Weekend Alone
05-09-2010 Sunday
I'm used to being alone. Ever since I gave up my vices like going out late at night to drink, smoke and get wasted, I transformed to a boring homebody who prefers to be at home and do nothing but sleep or during some instances, cry my eyes out when certain things come into my mind. Like this weekend for example, I don't have any plans so I'm stuck at home, thinking.
I woke up early, it was only 4 in the morning, I think because it's still dark and no one is up yet. I glanced around the dark room, the curtain is slightly open and the light from a nearby lamppost shines inside our room. I see shadows. I hear voices from people walking outside. I hear the steady hum of the electric fan that manages to make it through out the night without being turned off, that's how hot it is lately, you simply can't live without a fan.
I checked my cherry mobile phone. No message. No missed call. I missed him even more. Around this time before, he would be sleeping beside me and I would wake him up, prepare his breakfast then off he'll go to work after taking a quick bath. That's how it used to be, that's how it ought to be for the rest of our lives. Now, it's all gone. I'm walking away from it.
I looked at my gramma sleeping on the floor, beside her is my mom, and I think about how much I love them both..well..uhhmm, I love my gramma more. I think about the things she has sacrificed for me, all those times that she was there beside me, how she would be willing to beat the hell out of anyone that will try to mess with me. She's the kindest, sweetest person I know and I don't want to be separated from her.
However, with the things happening in our family, especially with my mom, who's starting to have difficulty in sleeping again, I think it's impossible for us to stay together now. My gramma has to take care of my mom, my mom needs her more than I do. I'm not the one with a mental illness, anyway.
I chose to walk away, go home to the province and leave Alex but the more I think about my decision, the more I'm realizing it might be a mistake. For one, I love him, it's like punishing myself. Two, I'll be setting him free, he'll be living like a single guy with no freaking responsibilities while I'm suffering on my own? That can't be. If I will suffer, he has to suffer with me. We're in this mess together. God, if I have to get a fucking policeman to catch him, handcuffed, then so be it, I can't let him get away just like that.
That's what I'm thinking about this weekend. I'm tiring my brain cells in thinking this hard, trying to find the easiest solution to this big problem. I'm used to being alone, alone in peace, not like this, alone and bothered. I'm so screwed, I can feel it in every part of my being and I want to know how I can stop feeling like this..I need to know soon.
Labels: frustrations, gramma, mother, pink crimson, problems, province, Single
Would or Would Not
04-30-2010 Friday
I was cleaning my face with a cotton soaked in make up remover in front of the mirror when I heard my mom say,
"Let me remind you, that place is far from malls, hospitals..far from civilization. We mean it."I rolled my eyes in the mirror,
'that's exactly where I want to be right now', I thought to myself. Of course, my gramma has been telling me about it. Of course, I know they mean it, it's a freaking province, it's probably right in the middle of nowhere but considering the situation I'm in, it makes the place more than inviting. I just wish they would stop trying to talk me out of it. I'm already having a hard time making the decision that I feel like I can change my mind at any time because a big part of me (maybe it's the weakling part) doesn't want to go but the small part of my brain that tries to stay rational is telling me that it's the right thing to do.
I realized she's waiting for an answer so I said,
"That's okay with me. I'm tired of working. I want to be some place where I don't have to work hard". I tried to keep my voice calm but I can't hide the firmness on my tone. I'm slightly mad again at her. She's been at home for more than a month now and I remember her telling me before she got out of the rehab that she'll only rest for a few days then she'll find a job to help me out. Look at her now, still at home, sleeping for more than 10 hours per day. Greatt.
I don't want to be mad at her anymore because maybe my anger with my own mother is what's causing the failures of my life. Though, sometimes, when I think about our situation, and the fact that she's obviously not doing anything to help out financially, it still makes me mad. It's not easy to find a job but it's harder to find one if you're not looking for it, right?
"I'm just reminding you.." she sort of mumbled and went back to sleep.
I shrugged my shoulders, disposed the used cottons and ate my breakfast. Damien wagged his tail and reached out to my lap. I patted him with one hand and thought how great it is to have a dog. The best companion ever. Better than boys. Why? Because dogs have fur, boys don't.
After I'm done with my morning ritual, which includes washing my face, applying scar removers on my scars and taking a dump (yeah, you really have to know all of that), I climbed up to my bed, pulled the blanket up to my face and tried to get some sleep. It was hard. Different thoughts are drifting inside my head. Am I really gonna leave this city for good? It's running away from everything, hiding in a lie,and forgetting the one person I truly loved. Can I really do that?
For a change, I didn't cry. I let my mind wander for a couple of minutes. Then, darkness came. I submitted myself willingly.
Labels: choices, darkness, death, decisions, mother, pink crimson, province
Pseudo-apathetic Decision
04-28-2010 Wednesday
"Is that really your final decision?" that question never fails to catch me off-guard. My gramma has asked me that for the -nth time and I should be used to answering a confident 'yes' with both my eyes looking back at her.
There's always a pause. I hate it. I hate the fact that it shows how I hate the decision I'm making. I hate the fact that I have to show them that I'm such a strong person to make this decision. But for the sake of everyone involved, I have to fake being strong, even though it's breaking every part of my being.
It's just a pause, a mere fraction of seconds, but it's long enough for me to have a mental playback of the happy moments I've shared with Alex, and as they come, the pain comes along with it. The pain is almost unbearable, making it harder for me to say the words. There's a huge lump in my throat, I have to swallow hard, swallowing my words with it and I always end up answering the question with a nod.
"You have to make the decision, just one. There should be no turning back once you've decided." she said, emphasizing the words
'no turning back.''I know.' I thought to myself,
'and I can't go back anyway'. The words that came out instead were,
"Yes. My decision is final."My gramma shrugged and heaved a long sigh before getting back to the cloth she's sewing. I know she can tell that I'm only forced to make the decision and I can feel that she's hurting for me because there's not much she can do to help me get out of the mess that I'm in.
A mess. Yeah, that's what my life is right now. A life in shambles. I did try to hold on to two different things--my faith and my beloved, I fought for both. I sure don't want to lose my faith, that's like losing my life, but losing him means losing half of my life. I want to stay as whole as possible but it looks like I have to choose between dying and living without half of my life's meaning.
I'm done with the embarrassment. Last Monday was the worst of all. I didn't post the details of it because it's just too awfully shameful. All I can share is I've learned one important thing: the motherfucking bitches in the boarding house has populated Alex's mind. They're so in control of him and they wouldn't let him go. God, I should've known that he's tied to them from head to foot, cock to balls.
I've seen a droplet of hope last Sunday when I was able to take Alex to the minister in our church and he has the chance to listen to our teachings. I thought that's the beginning of it. I know that he's smart enough to understand what he's listening to. I just didn't realize that he's smart but he doesn't like thinking out of the box. He wants a religion that wouldn't require much sacrifice. He's not man enough to face the bigger responsibility or to even look at the bigger picture.
I'm disappointed, and hurt. So I made a decision to walk away. Far away, where I can completely move on and forget that I ever met him, that he ever came into my life. I realized, that the hardest part is not the letting go or the moving on, the hardest is finding the pieces of myself to put it all back together. The hardest is to become whole again after my dreams and hopes were shattered altogether.
How could I wish for a happy ending when I damn well know that it doesn't fucking exist? It's only a made-up story for little fucking princesses who's not old enough yet to realize the cruel realities of life.
Looks like I would never get to walk the aisle to marry the guy I loved and cherished. I choose my faith. I failed to keep him. I have no reasons to stay anymore. This is the bitter goodbye.
"Stop crying, you're only punishing yourself. He's not worth it. Make sure he doesn't come back to this house or else...God help me, I might knock his face off." my gramma told me when she noticed me crying in the corner.
Crying, my most recent hobby, by the way. I wish I can make myself stop but the tears seem to fall on their own. I cry for myself. I cry for Alex. I cry for the future that will never be. I cry for my failure, my sins, and the most bitter tear I've shed is for the people I've hurt along the way. I failed them without meaning to.
I thought I could still save it, I thought I still have the time..oh wait, I have the time, I think this has happened not because I was too late, it's because there are some things, no matter how perfect they may seem to be in the beginning, that's meant to end tragically.
Labels: alex, gramma, hopeless, hurt, pain, pink crimson, province, tragic
Sweet Hangover
02-01-2010 Monday
This sucks. It's February, I'm back in Manila, my short vacation is over and I have work tomorrow. Time to take things seriously again, I can't afford for my stats to continously drop, it's a new month and I have to be more focused with work if I wanna stay and earn money. I know this is gonna be harder this month, that's always the case at work, they make it more agonizing as a new month approaches.
The hard thing after a nice vacation with Alex is to face the sad reality that things will be back to being complicated again here in Manila as opposed to the carefree living in their secluded area in Cavite. Things are so different there. People get up early in the morning, make coffee, eat breakfast, go to work either in a farm or some place through out the day, come home to a nice warm dinner, and sleep early with the sounds of the crickets as a lullaby. That's on a weekday but for a weekend, everyone relaxes at home or simply chats outside while enjoying the grassy view of the fields. A simple, un-fucked up life.
Tall grasses instead of tall buildings. Cool air instead of polluted smoke. Sounds of the animals instead of the noisy vehicles. Nothing fancy. Just a simple laidback life. Not even a call center office in sight. Now, that's relaxing.
I knew I wanted to live in a place like this. I'm not like this before, I always prefer the city life because I always wanted to be so damn rich. But now, comparing the complicated life in Manila to the simple lifestyle in the rural area, I would definitely prefer to be not so rich afterall as long as I'm happy and I'm with the people I love. I mean, people get to survive here right? So why can't I?
I'm here, sitting in front of my computer like I always did before but this time, I feel like I'm still not here, like a part of my being is left in Cavite. This is one of the things I have to endure after a good vacation. The feeling of trying to peel away from the memory to be able to continue on with living in the city. I can't help but think in the back of my mind that at this same exact time yesterday night, I was sitting in the old yet comfortable couch beside Alex as we watch a late night TV show, arms around each other to warm ourselves against the cold wind of the evening blowing from outside the window. I can't help but remember the happiness I've felt, the simplicity of it all and the overwhelming love I have for him.
The hardest part would probably be to sleep alone, clutching my pillow instead of holding him beside me. I prepared myself for that and before I even begin to glance at my bed, I told myself to stop the longing. I told myself that given the right time, we'll be back there anyway and I would feel the simple joy again.
It's like being drunk for a few days and now that the alcohol has been washed away, there's nothing in my guts but the sweet hangover of memories. Right now I feel like I will give up everything just to be back there, be joyful and forget about the stress and pressure that I'm about to experience again.
Life sucks here, there's a whole lot of life outside Manila and that's where I'm headed to. I ain't no city girl now, I left my heart in the province and that's where it's supposed to stay.
Labels: alex, cavite, hangover, love, pink crimson, province
