Stone Walls
07-28-2010 Wednesday
Talking to my mother has become similar to talking to a huge brick. Not only that, there seem to be an invisible wall around her that blocks any human thoughts, feelings or emotions. I wonder if it's still part of her being Bipolar or it could also be possible that for some strange reason, my real mother has been replaced by this walking stone statue. Where did my biological mother go? Did she die without us knowing?
I always expect some miracle whenever I would go home. I'm always hoping to see her back on her feet, walking, talking, taking care of the house chores just like a regular mother would. But, she never fails to disappoint me. The more I see her failing me and my gramma, the more I'm hating her. Now, my hate is to the point that I no longer have any sympathy towards her. I no longer blame her sickness for this, I blame her and her weakness. She's letting herself be defeated, actually from the looks of it, I can tell that she has already given up.
To be honest, I couldn't care less about her. If you ask me what my decision for her would be, I'll say I want to throw her away in some rehabilitation center, and let some volunteer take care of her, at least those volunteers would probably not care if she'll do nothing but sleep all fucking day. The reason why I couldn't do that is because of my gramma who still cares a lot about her. My gramma who's also hoping to see her fully recover. My gramma who's doing all the hardwork in the house, covering up her lazy fucking ass.
Our family has been through a lot. It has created a damage inside me but this is nothing compared to the pain that my gramma has endured throughout the years. If there's someone in our family that deserves a happy ending, it's my gramma. She has sacrificed a lot for us, she's got the strongest and most compassionate heart out of anyone I've ever known.
That's why it pisses me the most to think that my gramma does all the hardwork in the house while my mother does nothing but be a fucking stone. I am home today and I woke up to the sound of my gramma crying in the bathroom while she does the laundry. She's tired of our situation, she's tired of having to do everything, she's tired of seeing my mother give up and be defeated by the sickness over and over.
I went to the laundry to comfort her. I talked to her, asked her what she wanted to do with my mother. I told her that if my mother is not gonna change before August ends, then I'm gonna have to kick her ass back to the rehab and we'll live here together, the two of us, plus my cats and Damien. I told her to not worry about me, I'm fine with working, I only want her to be able to get some rest, take a break from all the hardwork she's doing, but with my lazy mom around, that's far from being possible.
She decided to talk to my mom, while I'm in the house. The stone moved from it's original position in the seat outside, sat on the floor near the door and froze. My gramma did the talking. I stared at the person I still call mom, wondering if she'll feel cold to my hands if I touch her. After my gramma was done talking, she asked her what she plans to do with her life. One of them has to get a job. She's still sick, so yeah fine, my gramma said she's willing to work, if in return, my mom will do all the chores in the house, from cooking to cleaning then she asked if my mom could think of anything else to do.
I almost exploded when I heard my mom respond
"What else is there to do?"I bit my lip to keep myself from shouting obscenities at her. If I didn't stop myself, I could've shouted different kinds of curses at her, and I would've probably grab her around the neck, and just choke her to death. Maybe that will bring some sense back into her little rotting brain.
What's with that question, what else is there to do? Lemme tell you, you li'l lazyass bitch, A LOT. Like shall we start with you getting a job? Or, or if not, then maybe be a mother to me even for once? Ohh wait, I got a better idea, why not start with sewing yourself back together, you crazy bitch?I didn't shout..I stopped myself in time. I told her she needs to think about what she needs to do. If I don't get a clear answer before my scheduled unpaid leave, then I'm gonna have to bring my gramma with me to Manila and she can find a way to live on her own. It sounded harsh, even to my own ears but I don't care. I want her to understand that I mean what I'm saying. If she's not gonna help herself, then, I'm not gonna help her. I'm done trying to understand a person who don't even understand her own self.
I'm the bad daughter, yes I am.The conversation ended with no valid response from the statue. I wonder where I got the strength to hold back the words I wanna blurt out to her face. I'm usually not good at keeping my mouth shut. I guess I'm just concerned that she'll go crazybitch on us if I did say the things in my head. I'd rather deal with a stone than a bitch-gone-crazy episode of her.
She's officially insane. I'm officially the foe. We're a happy family, aren't we? Lalalalala..
Labels: ANGER, BITCH. mother, daughter, family, fury, HATE, pink crimson
Valuable Time
06-13-2010 Sunday
Does everyone understand how valuable time is? A time wasted is something you can never get back, once it's lost, it's gone forever, no second chances. I don't know if it's part of the emotional changes I'm going through but lately, I've been valuing time, been paying so much attention to it and on how I can divide it between the people that mattered to me. I wanna spend as much time as I could with the people I care about, make sure they're happy, healthy and living well.
I go home as often as I could while I still can. I try to spend time with Alex whenever it's his off. I try to always keep an open communication with my present and former colleagues. I felt like my heart is a big, open chamber for all the people I love. I only have a few important people on my list but my heart felt so big and full of them. I love to love them, I just wanted them to remember me as someone full of love to share. Like I mentioned, we can never tell when time will be over and separate us. Possibilities, endless possibilities. My imagination is running wild, my feelings are open wires, sensitive even to the slightest touch so you'd have to bare with me, you can call it, one of those days for me.
Maybe it's also because I have a severe case of home sickness, it could be the reason why I feel so emotional about people and things lately. Emotional changes, understanding and trying to deal with the difficult things, are these all part of growing up process? Gasp! Does this mean I'm growing up? Finally? For real? Wow.
Ok, I'm starting to learn how to cook (2 meals under my belt *wink), I'm doing the laundry, I'm trying to be more patient and understanding, in short, I'm trying to be the perfect partner in the house. This time with Alex is temporary, I don't want any blames or any bad separation when the time comes that I will go back home. I only want him to remember me as someone, even for a short period of time, who cared and loved him.
I don't know why but it suddenly mattered to me on how I would leave a lasting impression on people. I began thinking that when I'm gone, I want people to think positive and happy thoughts with me. Now, do all people think of that? Maybe the good ones, the types of people who probably has a one way ticket to heaven because of their goddamn kindness. What about for those people like me, who has made tons of mistake, most of which has caused pain to my family. Do I have the right to even think about being good now?
Something makes me worry, this something makes me think about trying to change my life to be a better person. This something tells me that time might be running out for me..and I have to run for it, get ahold of it before it slips away. I'm dying to live, every single day...because life might pass me by and I can't, no I won't let that happen. And when my time is over, I can look back on my existence as something that did happen, that I've lived a memorable life worth remembering.
Labels: alex, family, gramma, life, love, pink crimson, time, value
Surprise Visit
05-26-2010 Wednesday
Alex is at work, I'm on leave, it's a boring day so what's left for me to do? I originally planned to go to SM San Lazaro, the nearest SM here, since I haven't been there but then, I thought about the fare I'm gonna spend for that, I would rather just visit home and since it's Wednesday, I can also attend the night worship service. I praised myself for such an excellent idea. Besides, I'm missing my gramma, Damien and my cats badly I wanna see them even if it's just gonna be for a couple of hours.
I took a bath around 4 in the afternoon, got dressed and locked our room before leaving. I rode the jeepney going to Novaliches and as I looked outside the window, I saw the familiar road that will take me back home and the more I realized how much I'm missing to go back to where I really belong.
The traffic was awful but that's nothing new, it's fine with me as long as I can visit home. I arrived in the house at around 6. Good. The worship service starts at 7:45pm. First thing I saw was my gramma eating in the dining table. I barged inside, hands waving at Damien, who noticed me immediately.
My gramma looked surprised and evidently happy to see me. I was also happy to see them again. It's been only 3 days but I felt like I've been gone for weeks already. The house is still organized, I know my gramma has spent hours fixing everything after I left.
She asked me if I'm hungry to which I instantly said yes. She said that she didn't prepare any food, but she has some eggs to cook and I said that's okay as long as I can eat.
She cooked a sunny side up egg and I ate heartily. She asked me how's everything with Alex and I said I can't complain, everything's fine. She asked about my food, the water supply, the room, and I can barely eat while answering all her questions. I didn't tell her that we don't have a stove yet, or that I'm sad because I wanna go home, or that I get bored alone, I left out all those details, I don't want her to worry about me. I can deal with the negatives on my own.
The three of us attended the worship service and afterwards, I have to leave again. I'm not saying goodbye, I kept on saying that I'll be back this weekend. When I left the house, I don't look back, it will be too damn sad. I walked slowly, eyes forward, that's the best I could do to keep myself from running back.
I was back to Blumentritt at around 10 in the evening. Alex still wasn't home. I was mad, thinking that he was out with his friends again. I took a quick shower and when I went back to the room, I saw a new dress that I'm definitely gonna need and shorts with a price tag still attached to them, lying on the bed. I smiled to myself. Alex? Alex bought me a new dress? Ok, maybe he's not that much of an irresponsible jerk unlike what they're all telling me here. Maybe he's worth this afterall. Let's all hope so.
Labels: Blumentritt, Damien, family, gramma, home, pink crimson, visit, worship service
Family Ties
05-22-2010 Saturday
I don't plan on moving out till the 25th, the day when Alex gets paid, that's why I was surprised when Alex texted me tonight to tell me that we need to move out tomorrow, that he'll swing by to pick me up in the afternoon.
"Why?" I replied.
"There's a lot of people here looking for a room, and they're eyeing that room, I wanted to save that for us." was his reply.
I'm watching a late night TV show, while my mom and gramma are asleep in the floor and the top bunk respectively. I sighed, I wanted to tell my gramma about it but she's already sleeping.
"Ok," I typed,
"But you pay me half of the rent when you get paid on the 25th, otherwise, I'll cut your ball in half." I mean it, he has to pay me first before anything else comes up, like his monthly installment for his motorcycle.
"I will pay you." was his short response.
Good. Then I thought about it,
"What about the stove? I haven't bought one yet, how will I eat? Do we need a TV? Or radio??""Relax, don't worry too much. I'll take care of it, the most important thing is getting that room for us, ok? Now get some rest." he's being too carefree. Humph.
"Alrighty. Goodnight. Aren't you gonna say something else?""I love you, goodnight." was his last message for the night and I smiled to myself as I placed my cellphone under my pillow.
I stared on the TV, another boring TV commercial for a fast food chain is being shown and I paid no attention to it. My mind is wandering, at the same time, I'm also surprised that I don't feel so excited about it. I'm actually sad, because I will miss my gramma, Damien and my cats and I know that when I tell my gramma about it tomorrow, she'll be sad as well. She hates to let me go but we both know that I have to.
Instead of thinking about the big move, I'm thinking of when I can visit here. I'll be on leave this Tuesday and Wednesday so I'll probably go here. Or what about Saturday? So I can give them money since that's payday.
I stood up and turned the TV off, then I went back to bed, and faced the window, hugging my pillow tight. I heard Damien sneeze and groan before going back to sleep. Damien; I'll miss him as well. I started to cry. I don't even know why. I have Alex already, I have him to where he can't run away from his responsibility, but I'm not that happy anymore. I love being here, at home, with my gramma. If my mom is not here, I would probably take everyone with me--gramma,Damien and my cats.
I want my mom to start working again while I'm away. I want my gramma to stop worrying about me. When my mom starts working, I know she'll worry less because I don't have to be pressured in working too hard to be able to give them money. The more I think about it, the more I become upset with my mother.
When she got out of the rehab, she gave me a letter, saying how much she loves me and she even promised that she'll only rest for a couple of days then, she'll get back to working. A couple of days? I wanna crumple that letter to her face because it has been two fucking months now and her lazyass is still lying around in the house. I'm sorry, I tried to love her again but I can't find that feeling anymore.
I cried silently. I love my gramma. I love being her granddaughter. I never wanted to live with anyone else right now. I wanted to be here, kick my mom out, and live happily ever after with the little family I plan to have. With or without Alex around, I think I can make it. My gramma's love for me is more than enough.
I don't want a family of my own. I want what I have now minus my mother, or well yeah, I can include her as long as she finds a job and be a mother to me again. Things are getting complicated again and I'm the only one to blame. Damn..
Labels: alex, complicated, family, mother, moving out, pink crimson, rent
A Fine Ending
05-16-2010 Sunday
Now that I've thought about it, I realized walking away is cowardice and besides, it's like letting Alex live a happy single life free from any worries or responsibilities while I, alone, suffers? That can't fucking be. If my life is hell, then so will his.
Last night, I called up my uncle whose a policeman and we went to his boarding house so he could confront Alex, maybe scare him a bit, because the bastard was no longer scared of just my gramma alone. Unfortunately, the bastard refused to show up. I felt like laughing. I was mad but when I noticed that he was actually scared of going to jail, (of course that's what he'll think of considering the situation we're in), I was glad because he's the one looking like a sore loser in this fight.
We didn't get to confront him but we were able to talk to the bitches in the boarding house and luckily, their chairman was also there. How was I to know that the chairman knows him, and is a close friend of one of the boarders there. The chairman asked us what the problem is and I told everything. He's a nice guy, with a warm aura in him, something raw and real, unlike most people in a position who is thick with disguise and fake symphathy.
Chairman Warren Del Rosario, as he introduced himself was very concerned with my situation and he said he, himself will talk to Alex once he got the chance. He even gave me his number so I can text him if there's anything wrong. He's not faking or anything, he was really concerned, the look of worry on his face was real when he noticed that I was about to cry. He said things will be okay, and he has this authority in him that makes me believe that what he's saying is a fact.
Even though we didn't get to talk to Alex, I was thankful for having to meet their chairman, who understands, doesn't judge and is as real as he could get.
Today, I said to Alex that we need to talk for the last time before I start ruining everything in his life. I fucking mean it. If he's not gonna face his responsibility, he might as well suffer the consequences.
He had overtime and I waited for him at the corner Mini-stop in Blumentritt. I ordered an ice cream cone in Mini-stop then waited for him outside. He came a few minutes later, I saw him on the other side of the street, watching, making sure that I don't have anyone with me. I couldn't hide the smile as I lick my ice cream. I was really having a good time scaring the hell out of this bastard.
When he was sure that I was alone, he rode his motorcycle to the side of the convenient store. I kept on licking the ice cream. He was looking at me and my eyes were bright as I look back at him. It was a darn good time.
"What are you waiting for? Come on hop in." he said, looking exhausted.
I shrugged my shoulders. The chocolate ice cream is bittersweet and I focused on it like it's the only thing that matter. I hop behind him on the motorcycle, while nibbling at the sugar coated cone. Delicious.
He took me to the boarding house. Ok, that really wasn't my idea of place where we can talk seriously but whatever..if we have to be there, fine. He parked his motorcycle and I jumped out of it. Happy happy.
He bought a cigarette and sat on the bench. I followed him.
"What now?" he asked, blowing a big cloud of smoke.
I stared at the cigarette on his lips and it hit me that his cigarette intake has increased. He just smoked not more than 10 minutes ago. It's that stick that will kill him, for sure.
"What???" he asked again when he noticed that I was silent.
I snapped back to the matter at hand.
"What?" was the only thing I said.
"What do you want to happen now?" he looked aggravated.
I remained neutral
. "Face your responsibility. I'll agree to what you want, we'll live together, we pay for the rent together, and we do our own thing. Isn't that what you want? I wouldn't leave and let you live a lucky single guy. We'll make hell out of the lives of each other, together." "Fine." he quipped.
"You cook your own food, I cook mine. You wash your own laundry, I'll wash mine. It's like we're mere housemates." I added.
He took a long drag on his cigarette.
"Fine. Have it your way.""The one thing I wanted to be very clear about is the rent. We pay for it. Not just me, we. You pay your part, I'll pay mine. If you don't pay, you have to be kicked out." I said,
"Oh and one more thing, we'll stay here for now, since there's an available room downstairs, but once I found a better place, we'll move out. I don't want you staying here with this bitches protecting and owning you."He looked defeated. I know I have too many conditions but I want to have what I want.
He stood up and threw the cigarette after inhaling the last smoke out of it.
"It's settled then, let's go upstairs and tell mami about it so she can reserve the room.""Lead the way." It's an ending that will lead to something but at least I have him with me. We can be called a family, I don't know how long, but at least now we can call it that.
Labels: alex, family, love, making it work, pink crimson, relationships
Lonesome Asylum
04-22-2010 Thursday
Most of the time, what people see on the outside does not really define the inside. Like in my case, people see the usual me on the outside--outgoing, loudmouth and addicted to having fun. What they don't know is inside, I barely even know myself.
There's a lot of things I wanna say but I'm afraid that I can't force the right words out of my mouth. Hence, I stay quiet and hidden behind my mask. Maybe, I'm afraid, afraid to be misjudged or misunderstood, by the people I trust. Or maybe, I'm even afraid to trust people now.
I prefer to carry this burden alone, and it's not an easy task. My family is right behind me but I chose not to let them get involved. I brought this pain to myself so I have to deal with it alone. It's hard to be in too much pain, it is even harder when you're not able to talk about it to anyone. I end up talking to myself like a bitch gone insane.
That's why if you'll notice, I'm always on my blog. This is where I can pour my heart out and I wouldn't give a damn if somebody cares enough to read it. It's just here, a lonely asylum for the rejected. I figured that since I don't have anyone to talk to, I can talk to myself here without being too obvious that I'm slowly losing my mind.
You really want the truth? I'm not as tough as I pretend to be and I'm not ashamed of admitting it. I cry easily when I'm alone, I'm a sucker for romance, I'm afraid to fall in love like what I'm feeling right now, and after saying all this, you can all shake your head and wonder if I'm still the chick you thought you knew. Surprises? I'm full of that.
I'm thankful for being able to write what I feel, it sure helps lessen the heavy feeling of not being able to talk to someone about it. Aside from being afraid, I feel like the people that I've shared this problem with has done more than enough to help me and I can't keep on disturbing them with my problems. They might have their own problems to think about anyway.
So bottom line, I'm in this boat alone, trying to save myself, because no one's gonna do it for me...
Labels: blogging, burden, family, pink crimson
Wrong Deeds
04-10-2010 Saturday
Why is it that I still feel like I'm not doing the right thing no matter how hard I try to correct the mistakes I've made? There's still something wrong, something that can't be corrected, like a stubborn spot of mess on a clean linen cloth that wouldn't disappear despite of scrubbing it so many darn times. That small spot, so irritating to look at, makes things less perfect. I hate dealing with the wrong things, the dark entity that follows me wherever I go, it simply wouldn't allow me to do things right.
I hate to think that this mistake that I got into has no way out, no I'm not looking at that possibility, not even thinking that there's such a thing as not being able to start over and live a new life on the right track. I'm still hopeful and positive, I have to, I still have faith. When I see how it affects my family, it makes me realize how being rebellious is not gonna get me what I wanted, because I never wanted those things afterall. Merely addictions, vices, wrong deeds and I never realized how wrong I was until I'm almost in the bottom of another blackhole.
With everything that I'm going through right now, I know what I really wanted and it's so simple I wonder why I never knew about it sooner. I want a life in peace. I want simple happiness. I realized certain things: *Money is a neccesity but it doesn't define the life you live. *House is just a house but what I really need is a home. *Success is not just measured by your career, or your position in a company, but it's also about being content with what you already have that you couldn't ask for more. *Family- no matter how much you think you hate them because you feel like they don't understand you, in the end, you'll realize that they're all you got, they DO understand and you don't hate them, but you actually hate yourself. And most importantly, when you rebel too much against certain things, you're not doing yourself a favor, you're just getting into trouble, you proved nothing, you've done nothing and the real truth is, you become nothing.
Like what I've admitted in a previous post, I've come to realize that being good is, well, uhh, in fact good. You can't always be like what you used to be when you were a teen and you think that being a rebel and going against the rules will make you look independent enough to survive the cruel realities of life. As a matter of fact, all you need is faith, a good, brave heart that knows how to love the person that loves you back, and wisdom to be able to see the fine line that separates the good and the bad.
Life is a picture that our mind creates. It's something we define ourselves. It's up to us if we see it as a beautiful picture of paradise or a disappointing masterpiece of disaster. They say life is what we make it and I couldn't agree more to that. I made my life like this with the decisions and choices I've made. There are always options laid out in front of me, and it's up to me to choose which way to go and I ended up here, so I really have no one to blame but myself. It's just bad that my family also has to suffer the consequences of my wrong decisions.
There are still some things to be thankful about, of course. My family never left me, they assured me that they will stay by my side in everything that I'm going through and it makes me appreciate them even more. I need them now to help me get through this, God knows I can't do it alone, I'm just pretending that I can but the truth is, I feel so weak inside and there are times when I've thought of giving up, of just fading away but I love this little family I have that I can't bear the thought of hurting them even more if I decide to end this life that I've been given.
I have to win this. I'm sorry I was such a terrible daughter, but now that I want to change, all I'm praying for is that it's not yet too late.
Labels: daughter, faith, family, mistakes, pink crimson, rebel, relationships
Truth, Faith and Challenges
03-28-2010 Sunday
Now that everyone in the family knew about it, I feel more comfortable at home knowing that they both knew what I'm going through. I also felt better after my mom talked to Alex and asked him what his plans are. Even though I can feel that Alex is still half undecided, I know it makes a difference once he was able to talk to my mom. He likes mothers, he is close to his mother and he wouldn't do anything that will hurt one.
He came around 5 in the afternoon. It somehow helped that I texted his boss last night, I told his boss I need him to be at our house before evening, sort of emergency reasons and I'm glad that the people I wasn't expecting to help were actually there to help out. His boss even texted me to make sure that Alex arrived at our house in time. With that, I need to delete his name on my Hate List, time to love and appreciate people that deserves it.
If you remember, I used to hate his boss because he seemed to always go to places and ask Alex to drive him around. I thought he's such a heartless rich old man but I finally saw the good side of him today and I feel better to have his name added on my NFF-Uhh new found friend. Haha.
Kidding aside, now that they all know about it, it doesn't mean that the problem has ended, matter of fact, everything will start to get harder from now on. I feel like we're racing against time, I have to count the days down that I have left before I can finally say if my happy ending will come true. I talked to Alex and he gave me the assurance that he won't leave me, but he simply doesn't want to convert to our religion.
I begged him to give it a try. I even dared him to bring a Catholic bible, any type of bible and ask all questions and if there is only ONE, ONE question he has that's not answered, or ONE verse in the bible that will state about our religion being the wrong kind, then he can quit from even trying. That's how strong my faith is and that's how much I believe that I'm doing this to save him.
He said he knew that all his questions will be answered and I said of course, it will be, so what makes it difficult for him to try? I told him it may be a long and hard road but as long as we're together, I know we can make it. I'm willing to help him. He asked me what if after he listened and everything, he still decided he doesn't want to convert? I have no answer for that because I've been praying for him and I believe I will not fail. I told him I believe that he is smart, he'll know what to do, he'll know what to believe in once he has listened to what we are teaching.
He said it seems like everything is in favor of me and I told him it's not, it's actually in favor of you. This is a challenge of faith and love. I have to win, I have to win for him and for my family to not be hurt by my mistakes. I owe this to them, I need to make this right that's why I'm fighting. I'm holding on to my God, and He never failed, not even once.
After the talk we've had, we ate dinner and watched TV. In a few minutes, I heard him snoring in my bed. My mom asked me if Alex will stay for the night and I told her I wasn't sure, I'll let him sleep for awhile because he looked awfully tired. By 9:30, I softly woke him up and told him it's getting late. I thought he's gonna leave but I was relieved when he parked his motorcycle inside, closed our front gate and went back inside our house. The moment his head hit the pillow, he was fast asleep again and I lie down next to him, prayed silently for everything to turn out right, then went to sleep.
Labels: alex, faith, family, love, pink crimson, relationships, religion
