A Weekend Alone

05-09-2010 Sunday

I'm used to being alone. Ever since I gave up my vices like going out late at night to drink, smoke and get wasted, I transformed to a boring homebody who prefers to be at home and do nothing but sleep or during some instances, cry my eyes out when certain things come into my mind. Like this weekend for example, I don't have any plans so I'm stuck at home, thinking.

I woke up early, it was only 4 in the morning, I think because it's still dark and no one is up yet. I glanced around the dark room, the curtain is slightly open and the light from a nearby lamppost shines inside our room. I see shadows. I hear voices from people walking outside. I hear the steady hum of the electric fan that manages to make it through out the night without being turned off, that's how hot it is lately, you simply can't live without a fan.

I checked my cherry mobile phone. No message. No missed call. I missed him even more. Around this time before, he would be sleeping beside me and I would wake him up, prepare his breakfast then off he'll go to work after taking a quick bath. That's how it used to be, that's how it ought to be for the rest of our lives. Now, it's all gone. I'm walking away from it.

I looked at my gramma sleeping on the floor, beside her is my mom, and I think about how much I love them both..well..uhhmm, I love my gramma more. I think about the things she has sacrificed for me, all those times that she was there beside me, how she would be willing to beat the hell out of anyone that will try to mess with me. She's the kindest, sweetest person I know and I don't want to be separated from her.

However, with the things happening in our family, especially with my mom, who's starting to have difficulty in sleeping again, I think it's impossible for us to stay together now. My gramma has to take care of my mom, my mom needs her more than I do. I'm not the one with a mental illness, anyway.

I chose to walk away, go home to the province and leave Alex but the more I think about my decision, the more I'm realizing it might be a mistake. For one, I love him, it's like punishing myself. Two, I'll be setting him free, he'll be living like a single guy with no freaking responsibilities while I'm suffering on my own? That can't be. If I will suffer, he has to suffer with me. We're in this mess together. God, if I have to get a fucking policeman to catch him, handcuffed, then so be it, I can't let him get away just like that.

That's what I'm thinking about this weekend. I'm tiring my brain cells in thinking this hard, trying to find the easiest solution to this big problem. I'm used to being alone, alone in peace, not like this, alone and bothered. I'm so screwed, I can feel it in every part of my being and I want to know how I can stop feeling like this..I need to know soon.

Labels: frustrations, gramma, mother, pink crimson, problems, province, Single

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 7:24 PM