The Fear of Not Dying

05-01-2010 Saturday

So this is what it likes to stop giving a fuck. Not caring about what's gonna happen, not caring at all if I die at anytime. What's the use of living anyway, if everything's being taken away from me? Besides, nobody gives a fuck anyway. My mom cares about sleeping, my gramma has my mom to think about, and Alex, is obviously satisfied living with the bitches on the boarding house. Why would anyone give a fuck about me?

If there's something I fear right now, it is the fear of not dying. I'm suddenly scared of being immortal. If dying is the only way to end the pain, so be it, I'll die happy. I seriously don't care anymore, I don't remember the last time I ever felt like this, surprisingly, it feels like being free. No worries. I can cross the street without being worried about the speeding cars and trucks, I can ride a recklessly fast bus without worrying about accidents, I can go back to ganja, black bat and beers, I can do any-fucking-thing! I'm fucking free!

Wow, if I've known this earlier, I could've stopped worrying sooner. Why worry? Everyone's gonna die, it's just a matter of when. If death will ask every human being to line up, with the first one in line being the one to die first, I'll fight my way to the start of the line. Believe me, I will.

I'd rather feel this way than feel any kind of hope. Hoping hurts more. When you simply stop trying, stop fighting, you make things easier..but if you keep on hoping for something to work out, you just feel disappointed if things go wrong, and the thing is, most of the time, things don't actually work out

I used to not understand people committing suicide, I was like, why end your life over something silly? I guess I spoke too soon because I've become too close to riding the death train. Until now, I'm still wondering what's holding me back from shooting a gun in my head. Err, okay, that's just a metaphor, I don't own a gun nor know anyone that does. What I mean to say is what am I living for? I lost my love, I'm also about to lose my faith if the truth comes out. In wanting to keep both things together, I ended up losing all of it. I'm a fucking failure and I need to fucking die soon.

I miss him so bad. I wish there's an easier way out. Unfortunately, there's no other option. I chose to go some place far away from him. The province, far away from the complicated city life. I was thinking, living in the province might be difficult for me but what other choices do I have? I can see myself there, in the place of nowhere, doing nothing. How can I move on if there's nothing to keep me busy? Shit. I thought that the decision I've made is the best one. I might need to re-think that.

Question is do I still have the time to think about it? The more I stay here, the more upset I get. I don't wanna have to deal with this whole thing, I wanna get out of it, escape, run as fast as I can, as soon as I can and not look back. It hurts more than I could ever imagine but there's so many things blocking the way.

I don't fear dying. I really don't. I fear more of living long enough to carry the pain. Goodbye world, you've done enough to me....

Labels: darkness, death, goodbye, hopeless, pink crimson, suicide

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 5:50 AM