A Step at A Time

04-29-2010 Thursday

I can do this.

How hard could it be right? Forgetting him, fixing my life, trying to stay whole..it's all so darn easy that it's making me wonder why I didn't do it sooner. If I did, I could've saved myself from further humiliation and pain.

Now that I sold my sony ericsson cellphone, I have no means of communication with anyone. I used to think I could never live without a cellphone but being without a cellphone for an entire day, it actually feels good. I don't have to glance at it every now and then, hoping to see a message from someone and feel disappointed if I don't see any. No cellphone=no worries, no disappointments, no false hopes. It's as good as it gets.

Actually, I already have another cellphone. The uber basic P1 from Cherry Mobile, a local brand of cellphone that's just starting out in the market. Here's what it looks like:




When I say basic, I mean it. It doesn't even look like a cellphone, it resembles a calculator more than anything. Compact, thin, and simple. Just the way I like it. My life has been too complicated that I decided to keep some things simple.

Even though I already have a phone, I decided to use it less, most of the time, it stays in my bag, turned off. I don't want anyone to bother me, to make me change my mind again. I know myself too well. One simple message from him and I'll be stepping backwards, back to him again and I don't wanna do that. Uhmm,there's a huge part of me that wants to come back to him and try again, that's the weak side of me. The other part, the one trying to be strong, is making decisions of leaving to completely get rid of him. I want the strong one to stand out, so that I can destroy the weakling in me.

Two days ago, my manager showed me the message he sent to her, asking if I went to work. I tried not to feel anything but inside, I'm already hoping again. The other day, it was my colleague Elaine that he texted, asking how I'm doing. I asked Elaine if she replied, she said yes, she told him I'm at work and doing ok. I slapped my forehead. I should've known he would try to contact them. I told Elaine that the next time he text her, just tell him I resigned and went to hell. She looked at me with her eyebrows crossed as if wanting to ask me if I mean it but don't wanna say it out loud. I sighed, "Just tell him". She shrugged and said "Okay, if you say so..."

She didn't ask anything else. I'm thankful she did not. I don't want to share the details of my failed relationship. I don't want to talk about it anymore. Going through the details is like playing a rewind button and going back to the painful memories that I'm trying my best to forget.

Walking away is not easy, I have to drag my feet to be able to move. I'm doing it one painful step at a time. When you're trying to forget someone, you have to start first with forgetting the feeling of having that someone beside you. You have to get used to the lack of his presence, get used to the feeling of longing, get over the fact that everything you've built together over a long period of time are nothing but ruins of the past, a past that will be buried to decay.

Tragic, isn't it? When you have so much love to give, and you know that there's still love between the two of you, but the overwhelming circumstances are forcing you to separate. Why does it have to feel so perfect when it's not meant to be? Am I wrong from the very beginning?

I have one big mistake. Way back when we were just starting out, I should've talked to him about our religion differences. He has all the time before, he was jobless and he was always with me. I should've taken advantage of that and took him to our worship services. If I did that, I'll find out earlier if he'll be willing to convert for our relationship. If I've known earlier then it'll be easier for me to break up with him before because I don't freaking love him this MUCH before!

My feelings for him, I don't fucking know how it happened, it just started to grow and get deeper. I felt scared but it felt right so I let myself fall. We've been together for a year, and looking back, I can say that it is the best year of my life. Too bad that it has to end this way.

'Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.' I remember that old quote I've read before. True. I still smile these days..but honestly,it's not doing much to numb the pain.

Labels: cherry mobile, hopeless, pain, relationships, tragic

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 5:46 AM