Pseudo-apathetic Decision

04-28-2010 Wednesday

"Is that really your final decision?" that question never fails to catch me off-guard. My gramma has asked me that for the -nth time and I should be used to answering a confident 'yes' with both my eyes looking back at her.

There's always a pause. I hate it. I hate the fact that it shows how I hate the decision I'm making. I hate the fact that I have to show them that I'm such a strong person to make this decision. But for the sake of everyone involved, I have to fake being strong, even though it's breaking every part of my being.

It's just a pause, a mere fraction of seconds, but it's long enough for me to have a mental playback of the happy moments I've shared with Alex, and as they come, the pain comes along with it. The pain is almost unbearable, making it harder for me to say the words. There's a huge lump in my throat, I have to swallow hard, swallowing my words with it and I always end up answering the question with a nod.

"You have to make the decision, just one. There should be no turning back once you've decided." she said, emphasizing the words 'no turning back.'

'I know.' I thought to myself, 'and I can't go back anyway'. The words that came out instead were, "Yes. My decision is final."

My gramma shrugged and heaved a long sigh before getting back to the cloth she's sewing. I know she can tell that I'm only forced to make the decision and I can feel that she's hurting for me because there's not much she can do to help me get out of the mess that I'm in.

A mess. Yeah, that's what my life is right now. A life in shambles. I did try to hold on to two different things--my faith and my beloved, I fought for both. I sure don't want to lose my faith, that's like losing my life, but losing him means losing half of my life. I want to stay as whole as possible but it looks like I have to choose between dying and living without half of my life's meaning.

I'm done with the embarrassment. Last Monday was the worst of all. I didn't post the details of it because it's just too awfully shameful. All I can share is I've learned one important thing: the motherfucking bitches in the boarding house has populated Alex's mind. They're so in control of him and they wouldn't let him go. God, I should've known that he's tied to them from head to foot, cock to balls.

I've seen a droplet of hope last Sunday when I was able to take Alex to the minister in our church and he has the chance to listen to our teachings. I thought that's the beginning of it. I know that he's smart enough to understand what he's listening to. I just didn't realize that he's smart but he doesn't like thinking out of the box. He wants a religion that wouldn't require much sacrifice. He's not man enough to face the bigger responsibility or to even look at the bigger picture.

I'm disappointed, and hurt. So I made a decision to walk away. Far away, where I can completely move on and forget that I ever met him, that he ever came into my life. I realized, that the hardest part is not the letting go or the moving on, the hardest is finding the pieces of myself to put it all back together. The hardest is to become whole again after my dreams and hopes were shattered altogether.

How could I wish for a happy ending when I damn well know that it doesn't fucking exist? It's only a made-up story for little fucking princesses who's not old enough yet to realize the cruel realities of life.

Looks like I would never get to walk the aisle to marry the guy I loved and cherished. I choose my faith. I failed to keep him. I have no reasons to stay anymore. This is the bitter goodbye.

"Stop crying, you're only punishing yourself. He's not worth it. Make sure he doesn't come back to this house or else...God help me, I might knock his face off." my gramma told me when she noticed me crying in the corner.

Crying, my most recent hobby, by the way. I wish I can make myself stop but the tears seem to fall on their own. I cry for myself. I cry for Alex. I cry for the future that will never be. I cry for my failure, my sins, and the most bitter tear I've shed is for the people I've hurt along the way. I failed them without meaning to.

I thought I could still save it, I thought I still have the time..oh wait, I have the time, I think this has happened not because I was too late, it's because there are some things, no matter how perfect they may seem to be in the beginning, that's meant to end tragically.

Labels: alex, gramma, hopeless, hurt, pain, pink crimson, province, tragic

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 5:42 AM