Definitions of Love

05-07-2010 Friday

"I searched for my ex in Facebook" I said to Elaine, my colleague and friend, as we ride in the bus together on our way home from the office, like what we usually do every morning.

Her bushy eyebrows raised up, "Really? Did you find him?"

I nodded, "I did. He looks the same, only taller. I added him, I know he'll remember me, though it has been awhile."

"Like, how long has it been?" she asked, curiously.

I thought for a moment, "I was 12, he was 13 at that time." I counted with my fingers, "9 years.. He was my first real crush, we didn't date or something, we just had a mutual feeling before."

She was raising her eyebrows again, "Hmm, sounds like a history.."

I smiled, "It is. He used to send me letters, he would give me those plastic toys or roses as gifts, you know those silly things a 12 year old would die for. When I look back, I realize how I define love before. Something simple, nothing complicated, we cry for the most unimportant matter."

"I know what you mean." she said in agreement.

I looked outside the window, then I pondered my own words. When I compare my feelings before to what I am feeling now, I wonder how I even considered it as love. I also wonder how easy life was before when I was younger.

The reason why I'm digging up my past with that specific ex, is because I may be a little bit desperate to find someone else that I can give my attention to. I was just thinking since he was my what-they-call puppylove, maybe I can rekindle an old flame, at least, we have the same religion. Then, maybe I can move on and separate myself from Alex.

It was almost 7 in the morning, and the sun was starting to spread across the highway. I felt the sun hot against my face and I squinted a bit but I continued to look outside, barely paying attention to what Elaine was saying.

As the bus speed away, a monster on a busy highway, my attention was caught by the ordinary things around me. The weird thing was I remember Alex in almost everything I see. I saw a motorcycle rider speeding along, with a girl behind him, arms wrapped around his waist, and I remember the times when Alex used to pick me up from work with our good 'ol Alpha. I saw a guy having breakfast in a crowded Pares eatery, and I remember how much Alex likes to eat pares. I saw someone wearing a PULP Summer Slam tshirt and I remember how I met Alex. I'm pathetic, that I know.

How can I move on if every fucking thing seemed to have a connection with him? I haven't seen him in awhile but my mind is still filled with memories of our past. I've read this online: 'moving on is easy, it's what you leave behind that makes it hard'. True.

There's too many things, too many memories, and as far as I can remember, he's the only guy that I've ever loved this much. My definition of love has changed a lot over the years and I thank him tor letting me understand things I used to not give a damn about.

Yes, he's the one who taught me how to love, but too bad he forgot to teach me how to let go.

Things were easier before. Love was never this hard. I miss 6th grade.... :(

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