Lonesome Asylum
04-22-2010 Thursday
Most of the time, what people see on the outside does not really define the inside. Like in my case, people see the usual me on the outside--outgoing, loudmouth and addicted to having fun. What they don't know is inside, I barely even know myself.
There's a lot of things I wanna say but I'm afraid that I can't force the right words out of my mouth. Hence, I stay quiet and hidden behind my mask. Maybe, I'm afraid, afraid to be misjudged or misunderstood, by the people I trust. Or maybe, I'm even afraid to trust people now.
I prefer to carry this burden alone, and it's not an easy task. My family is right behind me but I chose not to let them get involved. I brought this pain to myself so I have to deal with it alone. It's hard to be in too much pain, it is even harder when you're not able to talk about it to anyone. I end up talking to myself like a bitch gone insane.
That's why if you'll notice, I'm always on my blog. This is where I can pour my heart out and I wouldn't give a damn if somebody cares enough to read it. It's just here, a lonely asylum for the rejected. I figured that since I don't have anyone to talk to, I can talk to myself here without being too obvious that I'm slowly losing my mind.
You really want the truth? I'm not as tough as I pretend to be and I'm not ashamed of admitting it. I cry easily when I'm alone, I'm a sucker for romance, I'm afraid to fall in love like what I'm feeling right now, and after saying all this, you can all shake your head and wonder if I'm still the chick you thought you knew. Surprises? I'm full of that.
I'm thankful for being able to write what I feel, it sure helps lessen the heavy feeling of not being able to talk to someone about it. Aside from being afraid, I feel like the people that I've shared this problem with has done more than enough to help me and I can't keep on disturbing them with my problems. They might have their own problems to think about anyway.
So bottom line, I'm in this boat alone, trying to save myself, because no one's gonna do it for me...
Labels: blogging, burden, family, pink crimson
Jealousy Kills
04-21-2010 Wednesday
Before we go any further in this post, I would like to clarify first that I have very few girl friends that holds a special place in my heart, and I love them all dearly and I want nothing but the best for them.
Ok, back to regular posting..
An old friend of mine from high school whom I have constant communications with, thanks to the online wonder called Facebook, informed me that she recently got married and it's too bad I didn't make it but I can just make it up to her by being there when she give birth to her first child. 'Sure, count me in! Congratulations, I'm happy for you! Have a happy life ahead!' was my reply to her post. I typed the words out carefully, hoping that she can feel the sincerity of those words from wherever she is presently. After typing the words, I pointed the mouse to REPLY and clicked once. Voila, my message was sent.
After replying to her, I went back to my own homepage but my mind is still stuck on the words she has said. She got married. Hesitantly, I typed her name on the Search bar and clicked on her profile again. The wedding pictures weren't uploaded on her page, it was on her husband's account, I think, and somehow I felt glad I didn't see the pictures. In the back of my mind, I feel some kind of jealousy and trust me, I hate feeling it. Remember that I made everyone aware of how I love my friends?
Well, the green-eyed monster in me is feeling slightly envious of my friend's luck in love. She was married in our church and her husband shares the same faith she has. It's the happy ever after shit. I wanted it to be mine. Shit. The more evil side in me is even thinking that I deserve it more than she does because of the situation of my family. I'm pretty sure she doesn't have to be the only one to work for the family, she has siblings and most importantly, I've known her long enough to know that she doesn't have a bipolar mother, who'll probably breakdown if things don't go well for her.
I know I shouldn't be jealous of someone else's happiness, especially for a friend but I don't know why I feel it sometimes. I'm not getting desperate, uhh okay maybe a little.. I mean, I just want things to work out for me also. Why can't it be me? Childish, I know, and I apologize for being like this.
Love. Marriage. Happy Endings. What am I thinking? This is not me! Hell, I never believed in any of those shits before now! What the hell happened to me?! I'm aware I'm changing but I never expected this KIND of change.
I logged out of Facebook before I start getting more envious. I can be happy for other people, of course, there are some instances when I was just thinking, that there's a lot of people in this world, so why can't the problems be divided equally? Silly question but I hope it can happen, so that I don't have to feel mad for those ungrateful bastards who complain about the simplest problems [like having dilemma on what color will they choose for their next saloon appointment, woops].
Life...Unfair isn't it? I may need to start counting my blessing for it seemed like they rarely come these days...
Labels: friends, happy endings, jealousy, life, pink crimson, weddings
UN-fortunate
04-20-2010 Tuesday
I never considered myself as someone unlucky in love, I'm more of the heartbreaker type before and the guys that I've been with, are actually the ones unlucky to have found me. I've prepared myself for karma, I know that sooner or later, it's gonna come. Now that all this is happening to me, I'm starting to think that karma has finally arrived at the doorstep, saying, 'it's payback time'.
Oh poor unfortunate me, I knew it's karma all along. I'm trying hard to be optimistic in spite of all this, I kept on telling myself I still have faith to keep me going. Is this what they call a test of faith? I guess it is, I just never realized it will be this hard and not to mention, painful and confusing.
I know what I'm fighting for, I wanted to win it while staying on the right track. Sometimes when I think about the consequences of my choices, I realize I'm miserably out of options. The only solution to the problem is to convince Alex to believe in my faith, to have him convert to our religion which is something I've been praying for.
I'm not losing hope, even though we're always having a fight whenever I would persuade him to attend a worship service. He either gave excuses or he'll just flatly refuse. I can see that it's getting on his nerves already but I'm not giving up on him. I always end up crying and begging him to please try, that I'm starting to pity myself but I know that once I'm able to convince him, it'll be worth it. I'm taking in every harsh word he has to say against my religion, because it's not his fault for not knowing the truth, because I love him so much I have to be the one considerate about his situation.
Sometimes I think the message is not clear to me. I'm starting to realize that Alex's strong refusal could mean two things: 1. The test of faith, or 2. He's really not meant to be the one. I don't even want to think about the second thing, but it could be possible, right? When everything goes wrong, what else can you think of?
When I think about the possibility that he may not be the one, and this could be fate's way of showing me that, I start to worry for my own sake. I love him but of course, I love my religion even more. The situation I'm in right now puts me at risk of losing everything I've ever believed in like my faith and religion. I don't want to lose everything, I really don't and the hardest part of this fight is I'm trying to hold on to two things, not wanting to let go of one or the other. Do you know how it is in the movies, or in some stories wherein you have to give one thing up in order to win? Sometimes you lose the one you love, or you die, or you lose your throne, stuff like that...A bitter ending for a good story.
I never believed in a happy ending, I grew up realizing the harsh realities of life, I've come to accept that life wasn't fair and you have to be one tough asshole to make it alive because if you're not, you'll get eaten up alive by bitches tougher than you. That was the 'me-before', always pessimistic, spiteful and all things negative, but now, you gotta believe me when I say that I'm changing to be a better person. I wanted to live a good life, and it's kinda ironic to think that things kept on going wrong when I'm trying to do the right thing.
Is it too much to ask for a happy ending now? I mean, after all these years of hate, and rage, I'm finally coming clean. Am I too late? I hope not, I don't want to be...
Labels: alex, faith, karma, pink crimson, relationships, religion
Flashbacks; Slam 2010
04-17-2010 Saturday
I walked this same road, crossed the same street, the ambiance, the people mostly wearing black, the 7-11 store in the corner--everything is just as it is the year before now. Can you imagine the magic of this one particular day that happens once a year? For me, it has always been not only a gig but a sacred ritual that you really have to attend to, but now, it has a lot more meaning to it and it only became closer to my heart than any other event.
For this is the event where, exactly a year before, I met my Alex. Had I not been here before, I would've never found him. I was getting pretty nostalgic as I walk alone, looking at things that has always been there but in this moment, every little thing seem to look meaningful to me.
The overpass for example. I crossed the overpass like I did a dozen times already but as I walk in it alone, I was taken back to the year before when I walked in it with someone else, the person who eventually led me to meet Alex. The old cigarette vendor sitting outside Jolibee, is still there, selling cigarettes to the people in black and in different weird outfits. The 7-11 in the corner, where I met Alex is still there and as I walked towards it, I had endless flashbacks in my head. Flashbacks of Alex in his maroon 'Bug Off!' vintage t-shirt and the way he smiled boyishly at me when we were introduced. I saw the image of him drinking a cheap gin and drowning it with cold Coke.
I knew I was smiling to myself as those memories flood and I let myself be taken away with it. I ignored the stares of the guys sitting on the side of the street as I walked past them, in a dreamlike stride. Some of them might've tried to get my attention but I was deep in a trance to even notice. I wore a slight make up. Smoky black eyeshadow, a red lipstick, a slightly tousled hair that barely touched the comb, and voila, I am a hottie and I can feel some eyes follow me. I barely paid attention, I'm concentrated in my moment of nostalgia.
More memories came as I reached the corner street where a line to the venue used to stretch long. However, today, there's no line or anything, just a scatter of people, comrades if I may call them, because we're all obviously here for one reason--to be part of a battle, to claim our rights to let loose and get wasted. 'Looks like I wouldn't have to wait in a long line this time' I thought to myself and it's a good thing since I don't wanna stand alone in a line.
I walked more slowly this time, looking at the half empty streetside, but I didn't see it as empty. I saw myself standing there, with 3 guys, one of them was Alex and we were talking and laughing and just starting to get to know each other. I looked at the other side of the street, I imagined the vendor of siomai standing there, and I saw myself buying and eating siomai with my new found friends. I remembered Alex talking to me, we were merely strangers at that time, I don't even feel anything special towards him, he's just someone I met, someone whom I thought I'd eventually forget.
When I reached the gate to the venue, I saw policemen and bouncers lined up to stay guard. Familiar faces, they were always there every fucking year to make sure everything is in peace and order. They have this tough look in their faces but I knew better, they have to look tough, part of the job of course. I smiled to them and entered the gates that will lead me to the Apocalypse. It has meant something else in the bible, but in this particular day, it means a ritual of getting overdosed with music and being with the people who enjoyed getting wasted as much as you do.
After the body inspection, I headed to the ticket booth, bought my ticket and seconds later, I was inside. The stadium is as it is every year. There were booths in every side, booths of sponsors; Red Horse, Pepsi, Pizza Hut, Smart Buddy and Tribal Gear, all lined up neatly. I texted my
Pards who was there since the gates opened and told him I'm already inside, looking for him. It wasn't that hard to look for him, were always finding each other on our usual spot, at the right side of the stage, near the big white screen that serves as a monitor. I also texted Alex, letting him know I'll be lining up for the t-shirt. He has work until 6pm and he'll follow afterwards.
The line to the t-shirt was awfully long and it was a good thing
Pards decided to stand in line with me even though he has bought his own shirt already. We talked loudly so we can hear each other amidst the bellowing rhythms of guitar and drums in the background. I was half talking to him and half scanning the crowd. The crowd, the brothers, the comrades all dressed for the event. There are the usual punks, the metal enthusiasts, (believe me you can tell it by the outfits and make-up) the not so appreciated emo (rolling of my eyes when I say that word), the kids in black who seem to know less about music but was there anyway, the people whose shirts scream the name of their favorite bands, the people whose shirts show the very first Slam they've attended (for the record, Summer Slam 2 shirt beat them all, even though Alex told me afterwards that he saw someone wearing Summer Slam 1, wow), the people in different costumes--there's a fireman, a guy in orange overalls (maybe he's trying to imitate Slipknot but apparently failed because he looked like a maintenance guy), a big guy in diapers, a goth, a black metal psycho, and uhh..a clown, complete with clown make up and hair.
Perhaps, the most memorable part of the night was when Testament played live for the first time in the fucking stage of this country. Testament, the legend, one of the pioneers of thrash metal of the early 80's, up there in the goddamn stage. I was in awe, it was surely a night to remember.
Alex arrived shortly after Testament's mind blowing performance. We were inseparable for the rest of the night. I greeted him a happy anniversary and he kept his arms around me the entire night, hoping to stop me from jumping up and down. I always forget that things are different now and I can't just go out there and mosh like what I used to do. Well, it's fine as long as I have Alex beside me.
When Lamb of God came onstage, the crowd was ecstatic and I shout along, singing the words out as they played an all time favorite, 'Laid to Rest'. I can only bang my head to the music 'till I felt dizzy. It was all in the spirit of fun. I avoided beer and cigarettes but the music is definitely more than enough to keep me high.
It's a carnival. It's an event. It's a concert. You can call it whatever you want to but for me, I consider it as an annual ritual and I know that for the people who has been there every year since it started, without fail, will agree with me. It is something that makes our world stop for just one entire night of fun, music and overflowing cups of beer. It is a night when everyone is united by music. People from everywhere all gather to one place to celebrate music.
Forget about the fucking problems, forget about the fact that most of the time we are misunderstood, forget about the odd looks and shaking heads from the grown up people as they see us passing by, because if they don't know it yet
, we simply don't give a fuck. Labels: 2010, alex, Amoranto Stadium, Apocalypse, flashbacks, Memories, pink crimson, PULP Summer Slam
NO LEAVE!?!??!
04-16-2010 Friday
I am greatly disappointed again! I filed a leave a month before and when I checked my schedule for next week, behold, my leaves weren't approved AGAIN! As far as I can remember, the minimum time to file a leave is like, 2 weeks before the leave date and now, when I check the reason why my leave was denied, it simply say [
deadline not met], to think that I filed it a fucking month before?! Unbelievable.
The only thing that I can think of is that they don't prioritize the leave of the tenure agents anymore because they need us to take more calls every freaking day. Well, what can be more logical than that? They value the newbies more than they value us so I wouldn't be surprised if it's so hard for them to approve one lousy leave from a tenure rep.
I thought things are gonna get better this month, because the newbies are finally getting the same amount of calls that we do but the thing is, we still feel less valued. Which makes me think, what is the benefit of being a tenure employee in this company? Health benefits are the same as that of a new hire. The difference in the salary is not something really remarkable. The appraisal every year is P450, and sometimes I wonder if that's the right amount for appraisal, because I know people who has worked in a call center, and their salary increased a helluva lot more than 500 bucks for sure as they spend more years with their company. The promotion here is something political. You don't get promoted just because you have done an excellent job or because they feel like you deserve it, you get promoted if you're 'friends' with the best of them.
I know I'm boring y'all with my rants and you can tell it to my face that if I hate this company, then I better pack up my good ass and leave. Hell, I'll do that, after I've done enough damage with my words. Actually, the company is fairly ok, but it's the department, the Sales account that I'm in that really stinks so bad and the other agents and even managers that have resigned can testify to this.
I'm sick and tired with the way they're treating us. With the impossible goals they put up it's like they don't want you to get your hard earned commission. They get all the money, you do all the hardwork. Where's the equality in this world, folks? NCO, I'll miss this company greatly. Sprint Outbound, my very first sales account is a good one as well. But Sprint Inbound? Damn, when you find yourself in this account, then it's similar to getting a shotgun and shooting your damn head with it. To be with Sprint Inbound means to jump into a pit of fire. It's hell.
Right now, I'm applying for other jobs and I've been called by several companies but the thing is, they wouldn't approve a goddamn leave that I've filed so how the fuck can I attend to my interviews? Shit. I'm trying to find a way to get away and they wouldn't let me? Shit shit shit. I want something else. I want a company that will care about the fact that you've been with them for years now.
I have to figure out a way to attend to my interviews, maybe do it all at once during my day off? Nah. I'd be too exhausted for that, wouldn't I? Besides, not all company are doing a one day process. How I wish.
No leave huh? You want to see and hear my disapproval every freaking day? Sure, we'll see about that.
Labels: agent, leave, NCO, pink crimson, sprint, tenure
Letter to My Beloved
04-13-2010 Tuesday
'I love you', the more I say it to you, please remember that it meant something deeper than the last time I've said it. I'm sorry I can't help loving you too much. You're like a drug that I'm addicted to, a pill to cure my insanity and I hold on to you for a life support.
I look back at my life, a year before today and I barely remember what I was like before you came into my life. It's like the 'me' before being 'with you' never even existed in this lifetime. You used to tell me before that I changed you, but little did you know that you did the same thing for me. You changed me in ways I could never imagine possible.
For one, I never get serious about anything or anyone, and if I do, it didn't last long. I try too hard to look for perfection and when I see some minor faults, I dump them, move on to another relationship and the cycle starts over. I thought I knew how to love, I thought it was them who don't appreciate me, I was wrong, I was just someone who's hard to please and has a heart of stone.
My so-called love before was selfish and impatient. I was also like that with you when we were just starting out but with your never ending patience with me, you eventually taught me how to be selfless, to think of others, and to be more patient in waiting for the things that I wanted to get or achieve. I loved you more for that.
The road we took wasn't easy, it has been a hell of a bumpy ride and I must admit, I've dealt with a lot of emotions throughout the course of our relationship. Emotions that I never thought I could feel in a million years. I don't feel like myself at all but at the same time, I feel like I'm actually just starting to get to know myself better because of you.
Love love, I know I've never been the most perfect girl that you deserve to have and I know that most of our arguments are results of my narrow-mindedness. I remember those times when I was careless with my words, it didn't really sink in to me then that I was hurting you already. For that, I am so sorry.
During one of the worst fights we've had when I broke up with you, you've told me that you loved me less compared before and I was hurt but seriously, I can't really blame you. You've always been the mature one, you always forgive my mistakes, you ignore the hurtful words I've said. Again, I am so sorry.
I'm trying to change, for real. If I need to be better to be more deserving for you, I will. This is the kind of love that's meant to be kept. This is the kind of love that comes once in a lifetime [
insert: Imagine Love of a Lifetime by Firehouse playing on this part, yeah let's be disgustingly cheesy..] and I know that if I let it go, it might not come back again.
This is the kind of love most people dream about...and it's mine to keep.
Labels: alex, love, love of a lifetime, lovesick, pink crimson, relationships
Smoldering Hot
04-12-2010 Monday
When I opened my eyes, it was still dark outside. I checked my cellphone and the digital clock on it told me it was only 4 in the morning. I never wake up late these days. I always wake up too early that's why I get a really bad headache in the morning. I tried going back to sleep but it was useless. The pain returns along with my consciousness.
I can't help but stare at the empty space beside me on the bed, the space that was usually occupied by Alex whenever he would stay for the night. I swear I can even smell him in the pillow where he always lay his head on. Realizing how empty I felt, the sadness comes creeping back and I ask myself if I really mattered to him. No messages on my cellphone. He could at least have told me why he couldn't come.
I lie in bed for another hour or so, and when I noticed the sun's rays entering the room, I thought it was already 7 in the morning. Well, it wasn't. Summer is so darn hot in this country that even at 6 in the morning, the sun is almost halfway up the sky. Knowing I'll never be able to sleep, I dragged my feet to the kitchen and prepared oatmeal for breakfast.
As always, I seem to watch how time passes by while I stay rooted in one particular spot, unable to move along with the time. It's another hot boring day and I have no plans on avoiding this boring thing. If he doesn't care about me, I'm fine with it, I don't care about myself either.
When will this freaking summer end? It's too damn hot that even if you're just in the comforts of your home, you sweat in every pore of your body. That's how hot it is these days. I miss the rainy days. Gloomy, dark, cold, that's what I needed and now here's what I got; A smoldering hot weather.
Not enough sleep. Day off. Hot as hell afternoon. Welcome to my boring day, folks. If this continues on, I might as well die.
Labels: alex, gloomy, hot, pink crimson, summer
Endless Wait
04-11-2010 Sunday
Waiting for my love is like waiting for the rain to fall in this hot summer drought. I wait, I listen, look for signs of a raindrop, and yet, nothing. Disappointing and painful.
I waited all day and night. Longing and in pain. When he said he would, I half believe him. When he break a promise, I am shattered. He could've communicated, just to let me know what he's up to and why he's not able to come. We get to see each other less and I miss him so bad. Even though he spent two days and nights at home with me, it still wasn't enough, I need to see him every single day, to be with him. What part of it could he not understand?
But I keep it all to myself, afraid that he would not like me nagging him about it, since I promised him I would change to be a better person, a more understanding girlfriend for him. God knows I'm trying but I wish it's not this painful. I wish I could find something else to do besides worrying myself and missing him.
I've been avoiding depression, I have to, for my own well being and for the life that I have to take care of. Yet, it's really hard when I feel like I'm in this alone, when he's not around and when I see my family in pain as well. My mom is still sick and my gramma watches over her, I hear them everyday when I pretend to sleep. The two of them, dealing with my mom's illness together. They probably know I still have this unresolved problem so they don't let me know about their own pain.
Me and my family, a portrait of individual sacrifices. When will this end? I will never ask to be rich or famous or anything like that, all I wanted to ask for is a happy life with the ones I love. It certainly takes a lot to be a happy. Sometimes, happiness could be elusive. You search for it, you try to grasp it and when you do, it just slips into your fingers like loose sand and it takes forever to get it back.
Still I wait. Maybe he will still come. I sleep for an hour or so then I would wake up, glancing at the glow in the dark hands of the clock against the wall. Time passes by but I feel like I'm not moving with it. I'm stuck in one spot, waiting endlessly for him to finally come and be with me. He didn't.
I wanted to cry, but I was too tired to even think about crying. My mind, body, every little part of me is exhausted, I swear this feeling is close to dying. I felt like a withered flower, dead, useless and unpretty. If this is death, then I can accept it. If it means my pain will end, then please do me a favor and take me with you. Yes, you, my dear beloved Death in black hooded robe.
I closed my eyes. I want them closed forever. I never want to wake up again. I'm sorry I tried but maybe it wasn't enough...Labels: death, disappointing, hopeless, love, pain, pink crimson
Wrong Deeds
04-10-2010 Saturday
Why is it that I still feel like I'm not doing the right thing no matter how hard I try to correct the mistakes I've made? There's still something wrong, something that can't be corrected, like a stubborn spot of mess on a clean linen cloth that wouldn't disappear despite of scrubbing it so many darn times. That small spot, so irritating to look at, makes things less perfect. I hate dealing with the wrong things, the dark entity that follows me wherever I go, it simply wouldn't allow me to do things right.
I hate to think that this mistake that I got into has no way out, no I'm not looking at that possibility, not even thinking that there's such a thing as not being able to start over and live a new life on the right track. I'm still hopeful and positive, I have to, I still have faith. When I see how it affects my family, it makes me realize how being rebellious is not gonna get me what I wanted, because I never wanted those things afterall. Merely addictions, vices, wrong deeds and I never realized how wrong I was until I'm almost in the bottom of another blackhole.
With everything that I'm going through right now, I know what I really wanted and it's so simple I wonder why I never knew about it sooner. I want a life in peace. I want simple happiness. I realized certain things: *Money is a neccesity but it doesn't define the life you live. *House is just a house but what I really need is a home. *Success is not just measured by your career, or your position in a company, but it's also about being content with what you already have that you couldn't ask for more. *Family- no matter how much you think you hate them because you feel like they don't understand you, in the end, you'll realize that they're all you got, they DO understand and you don't hate them, but you actually hate yourself. And most importantly, when you rebel too much against certain things, you're not doing yourself a favor, you're just getting into trouble, you proved nothing, you've done nothing and the real truth is, you become nothing.
Like what I've admitted in a previous post, I've come to realize that being good is, well, uhh, in fact good. You can't always be like what you used to be when you were a teen and you think that being a rebel and going against the rules will make you look independent enough to survive the cruel realities of life. As a matter of fact, all you need is faith, a good, brave heart that knows how to love the person that loves you back, and wisdom to be able to see the fine line that separates the good and the bad.
Life is a picture that our mind creates. It's something we define ourselves. It's up to us if we see it as a beautiful picture of paradise or a disappointing masterpiece of disaster. They say life is what we make it and I couldn't agree more to that. I made my life like this with the decisions and choices I've made. There are always options laid out in front of me, and it's up to me to choose which way to go and I ended up here, so I really have no one to blame but myself. It's just bad that my family also has to suffer the consequences of my wrong decisions.
There are still some things to be thankful about, of course. My family never left me, they assured me that they will stay by my side in everything that I'm going through and it makes me appreciate them even more. I need them now to help me get through this, God knows I can't do it alone, I'm just pretending that I can but the truth is, I feel so weak inside and there are times when I've thought of giving up, of just fading away but I love this little family I have that I can't bear the thought of hurting them even more if I decide to end this life that I've been given.
I have to win this. I'm sorry I was such a terrible daughter, but now that I want to change, all I'm praying for is that it's not yet too late.
Labels: daughter, faith, family, mistakes, pink crimson, rebel, relationships
One Tiring Day
04-07-2010 Friday
>8 hour graveyard shift>>3 hour MS Excel Training Level 2>>>Alex picking me up after the training>>>>Doctor's appointmentI'm trying to avoid hectic schedules such as this one, especially when it's not my day off. It consumes time and lots of effort if you add the fact that summer is so damn hot that being outside for only a few minutes is enough to make you feel like you're being roasted alive, it's THAT hot here these days, I swear I miss the stormy weather.
Everything's planned and I have no choice but to comply to this given schedule, besides I'm the one who signed up for the Excel training, it just so happened that the doctor's appointment is also scheduled today. Oh well, at least I have Alex to accompany me throughout this crazy schedule.
The 3 hour training on Microsoft Excel gave my brain cells a big whack, matter of fact, after the training, I seriously felt my forehead throbbing, it's like my brain has been overloaded with informations. I did attend level 1 training, and this level 2 is many notches harder than the 1st level but I am eager to learn and besides, this will also look good in my resume when I try to apply for something else which is something I'm planning to do sooner after I took care of some personal priorities.
The training ended a few minutes after 9 in the morning and I rushed to the Ground floor, eager to see Alex since it has been awhile since he last pick me up from work. It reminded me of the times before when we still have the good 'ol red Alpha and he would always pick me up in the afternoon, eventhough it was always hot during the ride home, I still miss the feeling of holding on to his warmth as we speed away. Sorry, I know some cheesy part should be edited.
It was so irritating to think that even at 10:00 in the freaking morning, the sun is so high up that I was sweating my ass off as I ride behind him in his Mio motorcycle. He went completely out of our usual way to avoid checkpoints since his motorcycle is not yet registered. I'm fine with it, as long as I stay with him. Aside from going out of the way, he kept on stopping on every motorcycle shop, chatting with mechanics while I stayed on the motorcycle, feeling like I was gonna hyperventilate from too much heat at any second.
I let him do his thing, waiting patiently, until we stopped in a certain shop and a mechanic handed him a pair of side mirror and I watched quietly as they attached those on his Mio. After they were done, he asked me if I'm okay and he said we can go home now, I breathed a sigh of relief and clung to him.
We arrived at the house at around 12 in the afternoon. Great, I have 2 hours to get some sleep before we go to the doctor at 2:00. We had lunch, I brushed my teeth and washed my face. Alex cleaned his beloved black Mio, he's so vain about his motorcycle, that I sometimes roll my eyes at how he takes care of it like a baby. Well, pretty soon, he'll be taking care of a real one.
I lie on the bed and asked him to lie down beside me once he's done and I'll just set the alarm at 2:00 so we can go to the doctor. I was half asleep when I felt him beside me, I wanted to hug him but it was a goddamn hot afternoon and I felt sticky with sweat so I settled with holding on to his arm and went back to sleep.
The alarm buzzed at exactly 2 and I woke up feeling lightheaded, well I have a 2 hour sleep what do you expect? We went to the hospital and the busy doctor is not yet around, she wouldn't be around till 4. We have no choice but wait since I don't have any other time to reschedule the appointment.
Alex was impatient but I appreciate him coming with me. I see his concern again and I can feel that things are starting to come back to normal, only one thing's missing and I'm still praying for that. I was called at around 6:30 and we were home at around 7pm, exhausted and hungry.
I thought he's not gonna stay for the night but I was glad when I saw him park his motorcycle inside the gate then, he went inside the house, took his shirt off and went to the bathroom to wash his face.
I wanted to stay up all night and talk to him since he was making jokes and we were laughing while watching TV on the bed but I was too consumed for the day that's why I didn't notice that I've fallen asleep while he was talking. He knew I was tired so he didn't bother waking me up, off to dreamland I went and in my sub conscious mind, I felt him slip his arm around my waist. Sweet dreams. Remind me to edit the cheesy parts again.
Lull-a-bye for now.Labels: alex, MS Excel, pink crimson, schedules, training, work
A Life Full of Drama
04-06-2010 Tuesday
Don't be surprised if I was not able to update for the first few days of April, it's just that I've been too preoccupied with things that bother me for months now. I didn't think everything will be as complicated as this, err ok, maybe I didn't expect the worse when I SHOULD HAVE, afterall, I got myself into this mess and I have to find a way to get out of it without having to hurt the people that care about me.
I think that's the hardest part; to avoid hurting people that loves me, because I realized, I started hurting them the moment I commit those mistakes and now that I'm trying to correct my mistakes, there seemed to be no way to retrace my steps without stepping on the same ground, the same exact grounds that has caused pain to everyone concerned.
I'm in a much bigger mess than I thought. I should've foreseen this things before it even got worse but I may be too blind to see it all or I was too caught up in what was happening that I forgot about the effect of my actions. Why did I let myself get involve in something like this? I'm not yet ready for all of it, I'm just pretending that I am, thinking that it's the same as acceptance.
Geez. Seriously, I'm too tired with all the drama. I'm starting to envy people with blogs about how they rave about their fave bands, how they dye their hair from brown to red to black to brown again, how they feel like they're the most unfortunate people just because they don't like their look in the mirror first thing in the morning, how they complain about the simplest things under the sun and yet here I am, stressing about a problem way too hard for me to even understand what it's about. Isn't it weird how some people have a fucking easy life and yet they still find something to complain about?
I really don't know what else is making me hold on. I'm hurting my family that cares about me, my gramma has me and my mom to worry about and I feel terribly sorry because I know how hard it is for her, my mom just got out of the rehab and she's not that emotionally stable yet and this is what I'm giving her--Headache, lots of it.
If I could end everything now, I definitely would, getting away sounds inviting, getting away for good. Since I can't do it on my own, I think I may need someone to put me out of my misery, like what they do to hopeless animals that are an inch away from the death hole. Now I know how people feel before they decide to end their life, they feel as if nothing mattered, they feel trapped inside a bottomless pit and the only way out is to die alone. Loneliness could really kill and it's the most painful way to go.
I've tried to deal with this alone but I can't hide everything without my family worrying about me so as much as I don't want them to be involved, they are attached to me, we're all glued together as a family bounded by blood. It's a good thing, but in times of misery like this one, it's traumatic for me to see them go through the same pain that I'm dealing with.
Depression is swallowing me and I'm afraid that I've let it become a part of myself. I used to say that I'm a toughie, that I can overcome anything that comes my way, I made a promise to myself that I will not let one hardship or huge misfortune crush me. I told myself that I'll be strong no matter what. Well, it's hard to hang on to the words you're saying if everything is working against you.
I'm dying. It's not just a feeling, it's a reality.
Labels: depression, dying, hopeless, pain, pink crimson, reality
