UN-fortunate

04-20-2010 Tuesday

I never considered myself as someone unlucky in love, I'm more of the heartbreaker type before and the guys that I've been with, are actually the ones unlucky to have found me. I've prepared myself for karma, I know that sooner or later, it's gonna come. Now that all this is happening to me, I'm starting to think that karma has finally arrived at the doorstep, saying, 'it's payback time'.

Oh poor unfortunate me, I knew it's karma all along. I'm trying hard to be optimistic in spite of all this, I kept on telling myself I still have faith to keep me going. Is this what they call a test of faith? I guess it is, I just never realized it will be this hard and not to mention, painful and confusing.

I know what I'm fighting for, I wanted to win it while staying on the right track. Sometimes when I think about the consequences of my choices, I realize I'm miserably out of options. The only solution to the problem is to convince Alex to believe in my faith, to have him convert to our religion which is something I've been praying for.

I'm not losing hope, even though we're always having a fight whenever I would persuade him to attend a worship service. He either gave excuses or he'll just flatly refuse. I can see that it's getting on his nerves already but I'm not giving up on him. I always end up crying and begging him to please try, that I'm starting to pity myself but I know that once I'm able to convince him, it'll be worth it. I'm taking in every harsh word he has to say against my religion, because it's not his fault for not knowing the truth, because I love him so much I have to be the one considerate about his situation.

Sometimes I think the message is not clear to me. I'm starting to realize that Alex's strong refusal could mean two things: 1. The test of faith, or 2. He's really not meant to be the one. I don't even want to think about the second thing, but it could be possible, right? When everything goes wrong, what else can you think of?

When I think about the possibility that he may not be the one, and this could be fate's way of showing me that, I start to worry for my own sake. I love him but of course, I love my religion even more. The situation I'm in right now puts me at risk of losing everything I've ever believed in like my faith and religion. I don't want to lose everything, I really don't and the hardest part of this fight is I'm trying to hold on to two things, not wanting to let go of one or the other. Do you know how it is in the movies, or in some stories wherein you have to give one thing up in order to win? Sometimes you lose the one you love, or you die, or you lose your throne, stuff like that...A bitter ending for a good story.

I never believed in a happy ending, I grew up realizing the harsh realities of life, I've come to accept that life wasn't fair and you have to be one tough asshole to make it alive because if you're not, you'll get eaten up alive by bitches tougher than you. That was the 'me-before', always pessimistic, spiteful and all things negative, but now, you gotta believe me when I say that I'm changing to be a better person. I wanted to live a good life, and it's kinda ironic to think that things kept on going wrong when I'm trying to do the right thing.

Is it too much to ask for a happy ending now? I mean, after all these years of hate, and rage, I'm finally coming clean. Am I too late? I hope not, I don't want to be...

Labels: alex, faith, karma, pink crimson, relationships, religion

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 6:16 PM