Endless Wait

04-11-2010 Sunday

Waiting for my love is like waiting for the rain to fall in this hot summer drought. I wait, I listen, look for signs of a raindrop, and yet, nothing. Disappointing and painful.

I waited all day and night. Longing and in pain. When he said he would, I half believe him. When he break a promise, I am shattered. He could've communicated, just to let me know what he's up to and why he's not able to come. We get to see each other less and I miss him so bad. Even though he spent two days and nights at home with me, it still wasn't enough, I need to see him every single day, to be with him. What part of it could he not understand?

But I keep it all to myself, afraid that he would not like me nagging him about it, since I promised him I would change to be a better person, a more understanding girlfriend for him. God knows I'm trying but I wish it's not this painful. I wish I could find something else to do besides worrying myself and missing him.

I've been avoiding depression, I have to, for my own well being and for the life that I have to take care of. Yet, it's really hard when I feel like I'm in this alone, when he's not around and when I see my family in pain as well. My mom is still sick and my gramma watches over her, I hear them everyday when I pretend to sleep. The two of them, dealing with my mom's illness together. They probably know I still have this unresolved problem so they don't let me know about their own pain.

Me and my family, a portrait of individual sacrifices. When will this end? I will never ask to be rich or famous or anything like that, all I wanted to ask for is a happy life with the ones I love. It certainly takes a lot to be a happy. Sometimes, happiness could be elusive. You search for it, you try to grasp it and when you do, it just slips into your fingers like loose sand and it takes forever to get it back.

Still I wait. Maybe he will still come. I sleep for an hour or so then I would wake up, glancing at the glow in the dark hands of the clock against the wall. Time passes by but I feel like I'm not moving with it. I'm stuck in one spot, waiting endlessly for him to finally come and be with me. He didn't.

I wanted to cry, but I was too tired to even think about crying. My mind, body, every little part of me is exhausted, I swear this feeling is close to dying. I felt like a withered flower, dead, useless and unpretty. If this is death, then I can accept it. If it means my pain will end, then please do me a favor and take me with you. Yes, you, my dear beloved Death in black hooded robe.

I closed my eyes. I want them closed forever. I never want to wake up again. I'm sorry I tried but maybe it wasn't enough...

Labels: death, disappointing, hopeless, love, pain, pink crimson

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 5:53 PM