A Life Full of Drama

04-06-2010 Tuesday

Don't be surprised if I was not able to update for the first few days of April, it's just that I've been too preoccupied with things that bother me for months now. I didn't think everything will be as complicated as this, err ok, maybe I didn't expect the worse when I SHOULD HAVE, afterall, I got myself into this mess and I have to find a way to get out of it without having to hurt the people that care about me.

I think that's the hardest part; to avoid hurting people that loves me, because I realized, I started hurting them the moment I commit those mistakes and now that I'm trying to correct my mistakes, there seemed to be no way to retrace my steps without stepping on the same ground, the same exact grounds that has caused pain to everyone concerned.

I'm in a much bigger mess than I thought. I should've foreseen this things before it even got worse but I may be too blind to see it all or I was too caught up in what was happening that I forgot about the effect of my actions. Why did I let myself get involve in something like this? I'm not yet ready for all of it, I'm just pretending that I am, thinking that it's the same as acceptance.

Geez. Seriously, I'm too tired with all the drama. I'm starting to envy people with blogs about how they rave about their fave bands, how they dye their hair from brown to red to black to brown again, how they feel like they're the most unfortunate people just because they don't like their look in the mirror first thing in the morning, how they complain about the simplest things under the sun and yet here I am, stressing about a problem way too hard for me to even understand what it's about. Isn't it weird how some people have a fucking easy life and yet they still find something to complain about?

I really don't know what else is making me hold on. I'm hurting my family that cares about me, my gramma has me and my mom to worry about and I feel terribly sorry because I know how hard it is for her, my mom just got out of the rehab and she's not that emotionally stable yet and this is what I'm giving her--Headache, lots of it.

If I could end everything now, I definitely would, getting away sounds inviting, getting away for good. Since I can't do it on my own, I think I may need someone to put me out of my misery, like what they do to hopeless animals that are an inch away from the death hole. Now I know how people feel before they decide to end their life, they feel as if nothing mattered, they feel trapped inside a bottomless pit and the only way out is to die alone. Loneliness could really kill and it's the most painful way to go.

I've tried to deal with this alone but I can't hide everything without my family worrying about me so as much as I don't want them to be involved, they are attached to me, we're all glued together as a family bounded by blood. It's a good thing, but in times of misery like this one, it's traumatic for me to see them go through the same pain that I'm dealing with.

Depression is swallowing me and I'm afraid that I've let it become a part of myself. I used to say that I'm a toughie, that I can overcome anything that comes my way, I made a promise to myself that I will not let one hardship or huge misfortune crush me. I told myself that I'll be strong no matter what. Well, it's hard to hang on to the words you're saying if everything is working against you.

I'm dying. It's not just a feeling, it's a reality.

Labels: depression, dying, hopeless, pain, pink crimson, reality

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 4:36 AM