Will Update?
09-27-2010 Monday
Getting back on track in this blogging thing is not as easy as I thought it would be. I've forgotten one simple fact about myself. While I was not able to update, or write anything down, my mind goes on a hiatus and now that I desperately want to get on with my writing, there are cobwebs inside my brain that's keeping me from producing meaningful sentences. I wonder how long would I have to wait until my mind is completely working full time again...
But I badly needed to post something here. To keep it going. To record the highlights of my life. That's why even though I've mentioned that I don't intend on posting what I've previously prepared on my old notebook, I guess I have to post them to fill this lonely blog with words. In order to keep it going, in order for the few lovely people to, hopefully, keep reading...
Uhh. I have to find my notebook first.
Labels: blogging, change, life, notebook, pink crimson, update
Valuable Time
06-13-2010 Sunday
Does everyone understand how valuable time is? A time wasted is something you can never get back, once it's lost, it's gone forever, no second chances. I don't know if it's part of the emotional changes I'm going through but lately, I've been valuing time, been paying so much attention to it and on how I can divide it between the people that mattered to me. I wanna spend as much time as I could with the people I care about, make sure they're happy, healthy and living well.
I go home as often as I could while I still can. I try to spend time with Alex whenever it's his off. I try to always keep an open communication with my present and former colleagues. I felt like my heart is a big, open chamber for all the people I love. I only have a few important people on my list but my heart felt so big and full of them. I love to love them, I just wanted them to remember me as someone full of love to share. Like I mentioned, we can never tell when time will be over and separate us. Possibilities, endless possibilities. My imagination is running wild, my feelings are open wires, sensitive even to the slightest touch so you'd have to bare with me, you can call it, one of those days for me.
Maybe it's also because I have a severe case of home sickness, it could be the reason why I feel so emotional about people and things lately. Emotional changes, understanding and trying to deal with the difficult things, are these all part of growing up process? Gasp! Does this mean I'm growing up? Finally? For real? Wow.
Ok, I'm starting to learn how to cook (2 meals under my belt *wink), I'm doing the laundry, I'm trying to be more patient and understanding, in short, I'm trying to be the perfect partner in the house. This time with Alex is temporary, I don't want any blames or any bad separation when the time comes that I will go back home. I only want him to remember me as someone, even for a short period of time, who cared and loved him.
I don't know why but it suddenly mattered to me on how I would leave a lasting impression on people. I began thinking that when I'm gone, I want people to think positive and happy thoughts with me. Now, do all people think of that? Maybe the good ones, the types of people who probably has a one way ticket to heaven because of their goddamn kindness. What about for those people like me, who has made tons of mistake, most of which has caused pain to my family. Do I have the right to even think about being good now?
Something makes me worry, this something makes me think about trying to change my life to be a better person. This something tells me that time might be running out for me..and I have to run for it, get ahold of it before it slips away. I'm dying to live, every single day...because life might pass me by and I can't, no I won't let that happen. And when my time is over, I can look back on my existence as something that did happen, that I've lived a memorable life worth remembering.
Labels: alex, family, gramma, life, love, pink crimson, time, value
Jealousy Kills
04-21-2010 Wednesday
Before we go any further in this post, I would like to clarify first that I have very few girl friends that holds a special place in my heart, and I love them all dearly and I want nothing but the best for them.
Ok, back to regular posting..
An old friend of mine from high school whom I have constant communications with, thanks to the online wonder called Facebook, informed me that she recently got married and it's too bad I didn't make it but I can just make it up to her by being there when she give birth to her first child. 'Sure, count me in! Congratulations, I'm happy for you! Have a happy life ahead!' was my reply to her post. I typed the words out carefully, hoping that she can feel the sincerity of those words from wherever she is presently. After typing the words, I pointed the mouse to REPLY and clicked once. Voila, my message was sent.
After replying to her, I went back to my own homepage but my mind is still stuck on the words she has said. She got married. Hesitantly, I typed her name on the Search bar and clicked on her profile again. The wedding pictures weren't uploaded on her page, it was on her husband's account, I think, and somehow I felt glad I didn't see the pictures. In the back of my mind, I feel some kind of jealousy and trust me, I hate feeling it. Remember that I made everyone aware of how I love my friends?
Well, the green-eyed monster in me is feeling slightly envious of my friend's luck in love. She was married in our church and her husband shares the same faith she has. It's the happy ever after shit. I wanted it to be mine. Shit. The more evil side in me is even thinking that I deserve it more than she does because of the situation of my family. I'm pretty sure she doesn't have to be the only one to work for the family, she has siblings and most importantly, I've known her long enough to know that she doesn't have a bipolar mother, who'll probably breakdown if things don't go well for her.
I know I shouldn't be jealous of someone else's happiness, especially for a friend but I don't know why I feel it sometimes. I'm not getting desperate, uhh okay maybe a little.. I mean, I just want things to work out for me also. Why can't it be me? Childish, I know, and I apologize for being like this.
Love. Marriage. Happy Endings. What am I thinking? This is not me! Hell, I never believed in any of those shits before now! What the hell happened to me?! I'm aware I'm changing but I never expected this KIND of change.
I logged out of Facebook before I start getting more envious. I can be happy for other people, of course, there are some instances when I was just thinking, that there's a lot of people in this world, so why can't the problems be divided equally? Silly question but I hope it can happen, so that I don't have to feel mad for those ungrateful bastards who complain about the simplest problems [like having dilemma on what color will they choose for their next saloon appointment, woops].
Life...Unfair isn't it? I may need to start counting my blessing for it seemed like they rarely come these days...
Labels: friends, happy endings, jealousy, life, pink crimson, weddings
