Jealousy Kills

04-21-2010 Wednesday

Before we go any further in this post, I would like to clarify first that I have very few girl friends that holds a special place in my heart, and I love them all dearly and I want nothing but the best for them.

Ok, back to regular posting..

An old friend of mine from high school whom I have constant communications with, thanks to the online wonder called Facebook, informed me that she recently got married and it's too bad I didn't make it but I can just make it up to her by being there when she give birth to her first child. 'Sure, count me in! Congratulations, I'm happy for you! Have a happy life ahead!' was my reply to her post. I typed the words out carefully, hoping that she can feel the sincerity of those words from wherever she is presently. After typing the words, I pointed the mouse to REPLY and clicked once. Voila, my message was sent.

After replying to her, I went back to my own homepage but my mind is still stuck on the words she has said. She got married. Hesitantly, I typed her name on the Search bar and clicked on her profile again. The wedding pictures weren't uploaded on her page, it was on her husband's account, I think, and somehow I felt glad I didn't see the pictures. In the back of my mind, I feel some kind of jealousy and trust me, I hate feeling it. Remember that I made everyone aware of how I love my friends?

Well, the green-eyed monster in me is feeling slightly envious of my friend's luck in love. She was married in our church and her husband shares the same faith she has. It's the happy ever after shit. I wanted it to be mine. Shit. The more evil side in me is even thinking that I deserve it more than she does because of the situation of my family. I'm pretty sure she doesn't have to be the only one to work for the family, she has siblings and most importantly, I've known her long enough to know that she doesn't have a bipolar mother, who'll probably breakdown if things don't go well for her.

I know I shouldn't be jealous of someone else's happiness, especially for a friend but I don't know why I feel it sometimes. I'm not getting desperate, uhh okay maybe a little.. I mean, I just want things to work out for me also. Why can't it be me? Childish, I know, and I apologize for being like this.

Love. Marriage. Happy Endings. What am I thinking? This is not me! Hell, I never believed in any of those shits before now! What the hell happened to me?! I'm aware I'm changing but I never expected this KIND of change.

I logged out of Facebook before I start getting more envious. I can be happy for other people, of course, there are some instances when I was just thinking, that there's a lot of people in this world, so why can't the problems be divided equally? Silly question but I hope it can happen, so that I don't have to feel mad for those ungrateful bastards who complain about the simplest problems [like having dilemma on what color will they choose for their next saloon appointment, woops].

Life...Unfair isn't it? I may need to start counting my blessing for it seemed like they rarely come these days...

Labels: friends, happy endings, jealousy, life, pink crimson, weddings

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 6:18 PM