Wrong Deeds

04-10-2010 Saturday

Why is it that I still feel like I'm not doing the right thing no matter how hard I try to correct the mistakes I've made? There's still something wrong, something that can't be corrected, like a stubborn spot of mess on a clean linen cloth that wouldn't disappear despite of scrubbing it so many darn times. That small spot, so irritating to look at, makes things less perfect. I hate dealing with the wrong things, the dark entity that follows me wherever I go, it simply wouldn't allow me to do things right.

I hate to think that this mistake that I got into has no way out, no I'm not looking at that possibility, not even thinking that there's such a thing as not being able to start over and live a new life on the right track. I'm still hopeful and positive, I have to, I still have faith. When I see how it affects my family, it makes me realize how being rebellious is not gonna get me what I wanted, because I never wanted those things afterall. Merely addictions, vices, wrong deeds and I never realized how wrong I was until I'm almost in the bottom of another blackhole.

With everything that I'm going through right now, I know what I really wanted and it's so simple I wonder why I never knew about it sooner. I want a life in peace. I want simple happiness. I realized certain things: *Money is a neccesity but it doesn't define the life you live. *House is just a house but what I really need is a home. *Success is not just measured by your career, or your position in a company, but it's also about being content with what you already have that you couldn't ask for more. *Family- no matter how much you think you hate them because you feel like they don't understand you, in the end, you'll realize that they're all you got, they DO understand and you don't hate them, but you actually hate yourself. And most importantly, when you rebel too much against certain things, you're not doing yourself a favor, you're just getting into trouble, you proved nothing, you've done nothing and the real truth is, you become nothing.

Like what I've admitted in a previous post, I've come to realize that being good is, well, uhh, in fact good. You can't always be like what you used to be when you were a teen and you think that being a rebel and going against the rules will make you look independent enough to survive the cruel realities of life. As a matter of fact, all you need is faith, a good, brave heart that knows how to love the person that loves you back, and wisdom to be able to see the fine line that separates the good and the bad.

Life is a picture that our mind creates. It's something we define ourselves. It's up to us if we see it as a beautiful picture of paradise or a disappointing masterpiece of disaster. They say life is what we make it and I couldn't agree more to that. I made my life like this with the decisions and choices I've made. There are always options laid out in front of me, and it's up to me to choose which way to go and I ended up here, so I really have no one to blame but myself. It's just bad that my family also has to suffer the consequences of my wrong decisions.

There are still some things to be thankful about, of course. My family never left me, they assured me that they will stay by my side in everything that I'm going through and it makes me appreciate them even more. I need them now to help me get through this, God knows I can't do it alone, I'm just pretending that I can but the truth is, I feel so weak inside and there are times when I've thought of giving up, of just fading away but I love this little family I have that I can't bear the thought of hurting them even more if I decide to end this life that I've been given.

I have to win this. I'm sorry I was such a terrible daughter, but now that I want to change, all I'm praying for is that it's not yet too late.

Labels: daughter, faith, family, mistakes, pink crimson, rebel, relationships

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 4:56 AM