Almost Gone
10-26-2009 Monday
The day that I've been waiting for for a couple of months now has finally arrived! The day that my bitch of a mother will be called to get back to work. Just when I thought I'd really need to relocate to get away from her, this wonderful thing happened. Hallelujah! I want to sing, jump, cry, shout, gee I wanna celebrate! I'm gonna need to buy that Red Ribbon sin they call 'White Forest' to celebrate this 'just because...' day that I thought would never come.
I plan to meet up with the landlord of the bedspacer ad that I saw online yesterday but I had to cancel that and apologized to the person I was texting. Now that the bitch will need to go back to work, there's no reason for me to runaway again. Time to get ahold of myself and let the anger difuse slowly while she's gone.
Alex came at our house around lunchtime, and I whispered the good news to him. He's also glad, he said that maybe I can go back to normal now that my mother will be away again. I gave him a look that said, what do you mean by that, and he laughed at that. I must admit that I've been pretty hard to handle these past few months and Alex has suffered a lot of headache for trying to deal with my psychotic bitchiness but now, we can start over again. No need for me to beg someone else's time and attention because there will be no emotional torture inside anymore. All of it, gone, gone, gone!
Based on what I heard from her while she's talking to my gramma, my aunt will just call her again tomorrow to talk about the arrangements of how she can go back and what day to be exact. I frowned at that because I'm expecting her to be gone asap. The sooner she packs her things and leave, the better.
I'm starting to think of the DVD's I'm gonna watch after she's gone. The rest that I will finally be able to take. The almighty remote control that I can hold again to view the shows I prefer to watch. Goodbye lame TV telenovelas. Hello hello english sitcoms. I think I already forgot what's on the boob tube but I can still check it all out once it's just me and my gramma again.
She'll be gone, and I'm already counting down the minutes till she's out the door. That's my little piece of happiness and I can't wait to take a bite.
Labels: alex, BITCH. pink crimson, gone, mother
Mi Love Love
10-25-2009 Sunday
There's no flowers, no chocolates nor any apology cake when he showed up at my doorstep. It was him, with his sincere face and those hopeful eyes that glimmer with longing. I know right then and there that he did come to win me back. I think he seriously thought that when I asked for a week to think things over, it means I'm gonna break up with him. Well, yeah I've thought of that, just breaking up with him, setting him free rather than dealing with broken promises and opportunistic bitches.
Of course, he wouldn't let me break up with him that easy. That's part of the reason why we're still together. He has always made the effort to make it up with me whenever he can't be there when I needed him. He has always understood me and like I always say, I can't remember if any of my exes ever showed me that I mean that much to them. He's one person but he feels like the world to me when he shows my importance.
I was thinking about those things when he walked closer to me and started to say something. I didn't let him say anything. I pulled him closer and hugged him. It has been 4 days since I last saw him but it felt like a month and I just missed him so much.
I love him, he feels the same way. No other explanations needed.
Labels: alex, love, making it work, pink crimson
Without My Alex
10-23-2009 Friday
During the concert a few days ago, I had another fight with my Alex. I was just so mad, I've said a lot of hurtful things to him and I know that I have the right to be hurt because he didn't keep his promise, but I guess I'm just really having a hard time understanding his situation with those fat bitches he lives with. Those bitches always, always, always find some errand to make him do and it screws up whatever plan we had talked about.
Of course, it's not entirely his fault that he can't do something about it because his hands are tied, he really can't do much to disobey them without risking himself to be homeless. I don't know how to deal with it anymore. I'm tired of him saying something and not doing it just because those bitches made him do things. I want him out of that boarding house. If only we could find a place, live together or maybe I can adopt him at home, anything just to help him get away from them.
Things aren't that easy. I'm young, I have a lot of things I want to accomplish on my own, I'm not ready for a life with someone yet, damn it I can't even cook! Besides, I still believe in marriage. Living together without getting married could be the most preferred life of most people these days, but consider me old fashioned, folks. I'm just not comfortable with that, I mean, I can't just call someone my husband without a ring around our fingers and some papers to prove that. Jesus, what am I talking about.
So back to what I was saying, I'm mad at Alex. I simply feel that he hasn't done much to be able to keep his word, or maybe I'm just too inconsiderate of his situation. He has always been understanding to my situation, my tantrums, my everything-in-between, and what do I give him in return? Being an inconsiderate brat.
I know I've hurted him with the words I've said, and I can't just take back those words without having to swallow my pride. Well, fuck pride. I love him and he has swallowed his own pride countless times to prove me that he love me. I feel terrible right now. I asked him not to show up for awhile, just let me think for a week. Think about our situation, think about how I can deal with the bitches screwing up our plans, our relationship. It's hard. It's like having a part of him while another part belongs to someone else. That's being narrow minded, I'm well aware of that but I'm just saying what I really feel.
He did give me a week to think things over. I gave him my sim card, used another number and I never text him or anything. He didn't show up at work to pick me up, he didn't go to our house to take me to work, he gave me what I wanted and I'm not happy. I missed him so much. Everytime my shift would end, I would look around the vicinity, hoping to catch a glimpse of my red Alpha, hoping to see him standing there, watching me, waiting for me patiently with a slight smile playing around the corner of his lips. Everytime a motorcycle would roar in front of our house, I half expected it to be him but I'm disappointed to see that it's a visitor for someone else.
I go to work, go home, eat, get mad at my mother, rant and the cycle starts over as each day unfolds. I'm empty. I feel like a walking skin and bones with nothing inside. I am whole, but at the same time, I don't feel like myself, it's like a huge part is missing. This weekend, I wanted to talk to Alex. Apologize, maybe. Patch things up, definitely. Start over, yeah. Make our relationship work, yeah....
Labels: alex, love, making it work, pink crimson, relationships
After The Destruction
10-21-2009 Wednesday
I have the worst headache and my neck hurts like hell today but I try not to even think about missing work because the days that I'm absent are starting to pile up in my files and I know that despite my manager's computer skills to manipulate those absences, I could still get in trouble someday. I can just feel it.
I tried getting some sleep in the afternoon but it's not that easy when the weather is so hot that you can't just curl up in bed without perspiring. Not to mention my anger towards the bitch who continues to watch TV no matter what. Well, if I'm gonna be a talking zombie over the phone later, then so be it, I just can't afford to be absent again, simply because I have a slight hang over.
We did not drink much last night, aside from the shot of bourbon that they sell at the venue for a jaw dropping price of 80 bucks and hell, it's not worth it, I didn't even bother remember the name of it because it does nothing but gives you a kick in the head and that's it. I was looking for more of something that will lit the fuel inside my veins and make me wasted like fuck. Something like that German brandy (I think) called Jaggermeister that I tasted a few months back during another gig. That Jag is the shit.
I guess the reason for my hang over is because of the headbangin and moshing in spite of me having my menstrual period. Well, nothing's gonna stop me from going crazy, so if I have to deal with this headache and bodyache when I go to work later, then let it be this way. Anyway, I had fun last night so this is worth it.
I really need to arm myself with a bunch of 3-in-1 instant coffee, hopefully that will be enough to keep my head from hanging in the clouds while talking to some American, God I hope those caucasians will be pleasant to speak with because I'm really not in the mood to hear some ranting idiot later.
Staring in this computer screen makes my head ache more so I gotta turn this off now, I just wanna share how this hang over is such a bitch. Yeah, see you folks soon..
Labels: ARCH ENEMY, headbangin, Live in Manila, moshin, pink crimson
Arch Enemy; Fucking Live
10-20-2009 Tuesday
For most people who never liked anything loud or raw metal, this day is simply like any other day in their lives. The usual walks in the sidewalk, the tired looks as they try to catch a bus amidst the rush hour, the jeepney full of people trying to nap while on their way home, among many other usual scenario of a busy evening.
As for someone like me, who has never attended a gig for quite sometime now, I'm bouncing with excitement as I ride the bus with Meng, who's obviously as excited as me, because she never stopped asking if we're already near the venue despite the fact that we're just in Quezon city and the venue is as far as a good hour or so away. Arch Enemy will be performing live at the World Trade Center and we've waited long enough so no one can stop us this time!
While she asked for the hundreth time if we're almost there, I busied myself trying to reach my good boyfriend who never lived up to his promise again. I texted him, called him, and all I heard from him is that he'll just follow, he has some errands to do for those bitches first. Fuck those bitches, add them up on my death list, because they really want to screw up anything Alex and I have planned.
Anyway, I try not to let that incident with Alex dampen my mood for a fucking good time. If it means I have to have fun without him, then so be it. I have Meng, and one fucked up friend is enough for me.
The World Trade Center is filled with people clad in black, boasting their favorite metal bands that are printed in the front of their shirt. We waited in line to the entrance and we entertained ourselves by getting familiar with the faces around us. The calm faces that will soon be drenched with sweat from headbanging or from too much ecstasy from being exposed to too much metal music.
A lot of Arch Enemy goodies are being sold inside the venue and after getting in and buying our tickets, we took some pictures and looked around the items. Realizing that we're broke because the ticket for general admission is quite pricey, we gave up trying to find something to buy and just walked inside.
Mortal Fear is already taking the stage when we arrived. Sure they sounded so metal and all but the vocals remind me much of the foreign band, The Black Dahlia Murder so it's really nothing new to my ears. We walked as close as we could get to the stage and stayed there like calm spectators of a blockbuster movie.
Next onstage is Cavite based Bloodshedd, who has a pretty good reputation in the metal scene until Jojo, the band vocalist seemed to go over the top for the night's performance. Bad move, Jo. I mean, come on, I've seen a lot of Dimmu Borgir wannabe's with those black suits, metal studs everywhere, and the only thing that's really missing is the white face foundation. Jo has no face foundation, but the entire look is still 'too much'. Obviously, other metal fans didn't like the look either when I heard someone shout 'Tang Ina mo Jo, Ano yan! Nababaliw ka na!'
When Arch Enemy took the stage, a loud roar and applause broke out from the audience. Seeing Angela Gossow live, right there at the stage, a couple of meters away from me, is something that makes me proud to be a girl. Yeah, we kick guy's ass, metal or not so metal, we rule.
From the very first tune they played up to the very last, I was lost together with the crowd. It's better than getting drunk, better than smoking pot, hell, it's better than anything else. Heads are banging, people are moshing, and I could feel even the sweat of the guy next to the other guy beside me. This is what real music is. This is what all music should be. It doesn't always have to be as loud as Arch Enemy, but what matters is, you're able to move another person with your music, and makes them forget about anything. Besides, music is everything, like most people say, music is life, and hearing this band, who came all the way from Sweden, perform, I can testify the truth of those words.
(Forgive the fat waist, and the oily face.. Too tired to give a damn on how I look)
(Whoa, never thought they're really 'that' tall...)
(Angela and her golden blond locks..)
(My partner in crime..)
(Mi Angela!)Labels: ARCH ENEMY, Live in Manila, Metal, pink crimson
Fakin' It
10-19-2009 Monday
It all boils down to this: I'm not mistaken. The bitch really did fake her 'illness'. I am so pissed when she got home from the doctor and she's like, 'Oh they found nothin' wrong, I just have to take some pain reliever whenever my head would ache' and I'm like, 'did I hear you right? Nothing is wrong? After all the scan and dialysis they did to your motherfucking head, nothing is wrong??', wow, that's just great.
The bitch wasted a week trying to be sick instead of trying to find a job or trying to do the chores at home.I am waiting for something like, 'Oh they found a tumor in my head and I'm gonna die in a week or so'. Why do bitches have to live such a long, worthless lives? That's still a freaking mystery to me, aside from thinking how the fuck can she still go home safe, or how can she still wake up after hours and hours of sleep.
All I said to her is 'So you're not sick that's good to hear. Anything the doctor said you shouldn't do? Or anything you shouldn't eat? Are you not allowed to be tired or to perspire?' She said, 'I told you nothing's wrong so why would the doctor forbid me to do anything, what are you trying to say?' and I non-chalantly replied, 'Uhh, nothing..just wondering why you're still not doing anything, that's it'. I stood up, checked my image in the mirror and I left the house before the bitch could say anything else.
While riding the jeepney on my way to the bank to get the replacement ATM card, I'm still thinking about how the bitch can still live each day as if we have all the money in the world and she didn't need to work or start doing something.It's really irritating me to see her every fucking day doing nothing. I wouldn't have any problem with that if we have a maid to do all the chores at home or if we are filthy rich that we don't have to do anything to get whatever it is we wanted.But that's not the case in our household. We all have to do our fair share of hardwork and labor to be able to survive each day. We're the typical average family who has limited budget on everything, groceries, rent, bills and other stuff.
There are even times when we really have nothing left days before payday and that's the worst part because there's me and my gramma, whacking our brains just to come up with funds to help us get through till payday, all this while my bitch of a mother stares at the TV, indulging herself on another late night bullshit show. That's the biggest problem with that bitch. She could've cared less if we eat nothing as long as she don't miss an episode on her favorite TV shows.
Now that the results are in, and obviously she's not sick or dying, I'm back to my original plan of trying to find a room for rent, and if I can't before this week ends, then I have to go with my last option of staying with my perfectionist aunt for awhile.
Labels: aunt, BITCH. mother, daughter, pink crimson, rent
Farewell to A Brother
10-17-2009 Saturday
Part of the reason why I'm able to still go to work in spite of the pressure and stress, is because I have a wonderful set of colleagues in my team, who are able to make me laugh and simply be a family by my side whenever things get rough. That's why I'm able to manage somehow. The thought of seeing them, knowing that they're beside me thru the good and the bad, makes working somewhat easier.
Even though things seemed perfect as far as working with the best team mates, I know it's not always gonna be like this. A time will come when we have to go one by one. Like this week, Raymond, one of my brother from another mother, filed his immediate resignation. We were all surprised by his sudden decision but as much as we would like for him to stay, his mind is made up, and for whatever reason he may have, we have no choice but to accept the fact that he's leaving us, wish him luck in his future endeavors and move forward.
We, as a team, are more than just colleagues to each other. I know I've mentioned that in more than one post. It's sad that one brother has to go, that also means a big chunk of laughters, jokes and fun will also go with him. A piece of a picture perfect puzzle will be taken off. Well, if that's how it is, we just have to deal with it.
As for my personal message to him, (this is something I wasn't able to write on that memorabilia that our manager created for him); Mah men, stay strong. I know you have the guts to succeed, you must've chosen a different path away from us but I believe that you only did what you think is good for you.We'll miss you, brother.
Oh and don't you dare forget that;
*At Sprint, we lose customers literally!*We're taking calls in a farm, in a highway and sometimes we even experience a loud crash!*Aux means life. Auto In means death. *We should always be on a lookout for pretty and sexy girls, in other words, delicioso!*Our phones have mp3, camera, bluetooth and the best thing about it is that...we can make a call!*We have a department called Telesirs, 'we're all men here'.*Americans are dumb. We're way too smarter than those Caucasians. Good luck mah men! Thanks for the memories.
Labels: americans, brother, pink crimson, sprint, work
Happiness Is
10-16-2009 Friday
Today I go home without seeing the bitch and I thought to myself, 'this is how things are supposed to be. This is satisfaction. This is peacefulness. This is happiness to me.'
The useless bitch went to the doctor again and my gramma was left at home. Alex drove me home so we had lunch together, another delicious meal prepared by the best granny anyone could ever ask for. After eating, we watched TV and I am glad, really glad, that I have experienced this again. Going home to my gramma, just my gramma alone. No stinking bitch lying on the floor, sleeping at 12 in the afternoon after probably just waking up a couple of minutes earlier. No lazy bitch a few inches away from the TV, manipulating the goodamn remote control. No stupid, jobless bitch. What a peaceful sight.
It has been awhile since I went home without seeing her and I suddenly missed those times when she's not at the house.I suddenly realize one thing today: Happiness is being without a mother was never been. Happiness is her being gone. Happiness means going home and not seeing her. Happiness is...
Well, forget it..a couple of minutes later, while we watch TV, the bitch arrived and my happiness is gone. Hell, how the fuck can she go home safe? She arrives and was blabbing about stuff I don't really give a fuck about. I rolled my eyes at Alex, who shrugged, kissed me goodbye and left. I have nothing else to do so I went to bed. I'd rather deal with a nightmare while I sleep, than be awake and see her. Hell, nooo.
Labels: bitch, daughter, lazyass, mother, pink crimson, useless bitch
Getting More Fucked Up
10-15-2009 Thursday
Yep, that's what I feel as I spend more time living in this house, and going home to a worthless bitch who can't even raise a hand to do her own laundry. I'm seriously starting to think fucked up things like her bleeding, dying, having a terminal illness and will die in a matter of weeks, or me, dropping everything at work and just running away from all of it. It's sickness, madness, and I can no longer control my anger that I'm worrying I'll just burst one day and grab her, take her into the middle of the street for all the kinds of vehicles to ran over her. That's how desperate I am to get rid of her.
Nothing seemed to work. I gave her money so she can look for a job. I sent her to a doctor, they found nothing wrong so far, she just had some dialysis like I posted previously and she doesn't have the results yet. We'll see about that, and if the doctor see nothing again, then I'm really gonna be pissed because she's obviously faking it so she can fucking lie around, doing nothing but wasting time and years of her miserable life.When the results cone out, I'll decide what to do. If she's sick, hopefully she is dying, then I'll stay here and deal with her for a couple more weeks, but if she's not, then I would really need to leave this house because I wanted to save myself before I completely lose my mind.
I hate her. That's the only feeling I have towards her. No pity, no love, no respect, nothing but hate. If you really think that I like having this feeling, guess what, you're so wrong.I feel bad about myself, I feel like I'm gonna burn in hell for this. That's why I want her gone. I want to stop feeling hate. I want to get rid of her and live happily ever friggin after. I don't see her changing anytime soon so I'd rather live without her.
It's hard because I have to deal with a lot of pressure and stress at work, that's already too much for me, so going home to see that lazyass bitch everyday is the one last thing I don't really need right now.I've been through a lot, hell I'm still going through hell to prove myself, to have a career, to have a good life and I can't focus on my goal with her fucking everything up.
A lot of people die everyday due to calamities or accidents, people who don't deserve to die, people who works hard for the family, yet she, who has no use at all, still continues to live? Something's wrong with that picture. Figure it out.
Labels: ANGER, bitch, daughter, fury, HATE, mother, pink crimson
KILL HER
10-14-2009 Wednesday
Could you just give me one post to let it all out??
I FUCKING HATE YOU, YOU FUCKING GODDAMN BITCH. WHY, WHY IS IT TAKING SO LONG FOR YOU TO DIE? USELESS PEOPLE ARE SUPPOSED TO DIE, THAT MEANS, YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO FUCKING DIE, YOU USELESS CUNT.Envision this folks, the bitch went to the hospital earlier so the doctors can check what the fuck is wrong with her, I mean if she's really sick, is she really dying (I hope so, please), or if she's faking it so she can be excused from trying to find a job or doing some chores at home. Nothing was wrong, so far, she said. They need to go back tomorrow for a CT scan and some dialysis shit, so they can check further. God, if the doctors can't find anything wrong at that initial check-up, isn't she really faking it? The fucking bitch.
So she went home from the check-up and guess what's the first thing she did? No, she did not change clothes, or wash her face, she immediately grabbed a chair, turned the TV on and the next thing I knew, she's lost in the entertainment world again. Where else can you find a mother like that? Just went home and faced the television. What the fuck is that about?!
Here we are again, I sit here in front of the pc to let this all out while the bitch watches TV again, all this while my gramma washes her dirty clothes in the bathroom. Can't she just drop dead here and die? Please? Anyone who knows how to kill a mother without using your bare hands? Some black magic, I think? Some curse?
GODDAMN YOU, FUCKING BITCH. THE ONLY TIME THAT I WILL BE HAPPY AND SATISFIED WITH MY LIFE IS WHEN YOU'RE DEAD AND GONE FOR GOOD. I WANT TO SAY ALL THIS IN THIS BLOG, HOPEFULLY, THIS WILL STOP ME FROM GRABBING HER HAIR AND BANGING HER HEAD AGAINST A CEMENTED WALL UNTIL SHE BLEEDS TO DEATH, OR IF THAT WASN'T ENOUGH, CHOKE HER TO DEATH, GRAB A KNIFE, CUT HER THROAT, OR MAYBE CHOP HER USELESS BODY TO MANY PIECES. DAMN, THAT'S HOW MUCH I HATE THAT CUNT. BELIEVE ME, MY HANDS ARE ACTUALLY SHAKING RIGHT NOW, EAGER TO JUST..I DON'T KNOW..KILL HER. PLEASE. TAKE HER AWAY FROM ME, BEFORE I LOSE ALL SANITY I HAVE LEFT INSIDE MY TWISTED MIND.
-Yeah? Tell me all about it....
Labels: BITCH. pink crimson, daughter, FURY FUCK, HATE, mother, rage
Business as Usual
10-13-2009 Tuesday
With a couple of help from people I talked to on the internet, I was able to get my computer up and running again. After running a scan on the hidden files folder, my anti-virus detected more than 5 virus. Arghh. I should've known. I thought it was really just an error on a program, I never thought that it really was a virus, even though my friends kept on insisting it was.
Like I posted a couple of days ago, whenever I would log in to my admiin account, an error would pop up and no matter what I click, it would restart my computer. It was horrible. I thought I would have to call someone to reformat this thing because I have no idea at all on how to do that! Jeez, I realized I need to start learning more troubleshooting, installing and all those IT stuff. It wasn't enough that I know the basics, I really need to know more.
Ok, now that my computer is back, I would start researching on basic troubleshooting, I also need to start being more of a technojunkie so the next time a virus infested this damn pc, I'll know what to do, instead of freaking out and grabbing my hair in frustration.
I also plan to install a different OS, I'm getting tired of this Windows XP, I mean this is the OS we use at work, then when I get home, I would still see the logo of XP, it's just getting such a sore sight to my eyes. Ugh. I will wait for the Windows 7 official release, err, wait for the pirated copy of it, hehehe. I'm liking the reviews about it and if I'm gonna install that. I better have enough knowledge of doing so. Meanwhile, I'm gonna start my research. Talk to you later, bloggie.
Labels: IT, OS, research, technojunkie, Windows 7, XP
The Sickness
10-11-2009 Sunday
Today, I just proved that someone could actually get sick by doing absolutely nothing at home. The finest example for that is my goddamn lazyass mother. Would you believe that she is sick right now? And for what reason? I don't know, maybe because of too much sleeping, or too much watching TV, or maybe because she does nothing and her entire body system is just slowly dying due to lack of physical activity. That could happen right? Like on a mchine, if it's not being used, the parts get rusty and it eventually falls apart. Oh how I wish that's exactly what will happen to her now. Just fall apart and die sweetly.
Yes, I know I'm being the bad daughter again and most of you should know by now that I really don't give a fuck. Most people are so goddamn self-righteous and they kept on telling me that she's still my mother no matter what yadayada. Yeah, fuck them, they don't understand, how can you treat someone a mother if they never act like a mother to you? The people who are telling me that have a kind, loving and working mother that's why they could never understand what I'm going through. That's why for the most part, I am mum about my hatred towards my mother, I only talk about it with people whom I know will never judge me.
I remember chatting with a good friend who's like 10 years older than me and when I told him about my problem with my mom, I half-expected him to tell me that I shouldn't be like that and so, but I am glad that he totally understands because he said that his father is a verbally abusive prick (his exact words). Damn right, that's what I'm talking about. Someone who definitely knows what I feel because he feels the same way.
Those self-righteous people are forgiven for having such a perfect family and I've learned to never speak to them about being the bad daughter, that' is if I don't wanna be judged and be preached like they're such saints who has lived such perfect lives. The news for you is I'm trying to be good but I still have flaws. Let me be kind to other people, let me do an act of kindness to random strangers but never ever let me love my mother again, because I lost that love way back when I was a rebellious youngster.
Let's go back to her being sick. That's not a good news because that means, she has enough excuse to not to do house chores, to lie in bed all day and to not find a job. Yippee. If she's gonna die then just let her die, puh-leeze. My anger towards her is already getting out of hand. Hey, lemme tell you what else is worse. She's complaining about her eyes, and head hurting, and when you look for her, you'll find her a couple of inches away from the TV. Damn, I thought her eyes hurt? Fuck yeah. It's like she wanna eat the TV just so she wouldn't miss those lame shows. Maybe she doesn't wanna get well? She doesn't wanna give those damn eyes a rest. It's record breaking because she can watch the goddamn TV for 5-6 hours straight.
It's irritating me even more. When does she plan to get well and get a job? I really really really wanna leave this house while she's here, and I've ran out of choices. The only place I can go to now is at my strict aunt's house in Paranaque. It's better to deal with her than pay a huge amount of money for a bedspace in Manila. I'll talk to my aunt soon, but for now, I'll read some stories of daughters who killed their own mother. I told you my anger is far more than what anyone could imagine.
Labels: BITCH. pink crimson, daughter, mother, sick
The Kindness of Strangers
10-09-2009 Friday
First of all, before any Stephen King enthusiast sue me, I will admit that I borrowed the title for this post on a recent Stephen King novel I just finished reading. It's not only because my originality seemed to have worn out these days but also because I can't think of any other title apt for what I have to go through today.
What happened was I lost my ID last wednesday while I was on the way to work. It was my first time driving alone to work and I don't realize then how stupid I am to put the small plastic ID holder in my back pocket. It contains all of my identification, my company ID, driver's license, my ATM card, the access card at work, and a stinking 20 peso bill. Yeah the 20 bill is part of my identification, they'll know that I'm cheap. Imagine a girl who works at a call center, rides a honda alpha and brings nothing but 20 bucks?
I was pretty disoriented last Wednesday so it's just now that I'm posting this stuff. Besides that, would you believe that a kind stranger actually returned my ID and driver's license? Well, the ATM card is really lost for good but I'm thankful that I had it blocked way before someone was able to use it. I was really hoping that I will struggle to get another ID and all, but i become hopeful when someone texted my Globe number ,telling me that they have my ID.
We arranged a meet-up and I asked Alex to join me. The stranger told me that we can meet at Intramuros and even though it's far and in a completely opposite direction of where I live, I agreed. I can't arrange the meeting place when it's them that's being kind enough to return my ID.
After my shift at work, we headed straight to Intramuros. I texted the kind stranger and the reply I got was they're at the park in Fort Santiago. When we got there, a small, dark skinned, lady was smiling at us and called her father, who turns out to be the one who found my ID in the middle of the highway.
I couldn't thank them enough and I want to give something back but all I can do right then is say thank you. Had I been rich, I would probably buy the little wood statues that her father is selling, just to make up for their effort of trying to get in touch with me. They look like an average family, struggling to get by everyday by selling stuff in the park.
The father told me that he didn't find any ATM on it, just the company ID and driver's license lying on the ground. He said that he also rides a motorcycle and he knows how important a license is and it's a bit hard to get one now, not to mention it costs more than what it used to. I thanked him for the hundreth time earlier then we said our goodbyes and we went our way.
Now, that I'm safely back at home, I'm still thankful that some people will still do kindness to others. Here I am, thinking that the world is populated by greedy people, sluts, bastards and the likes. Today, I learned that a few, hey few is still a number, still shows kindness to others. I am thankful, grateful, I love the people who are willing to help others, stranger or not, they're more human to me than someone I know. Someone like my mother, whom I'm still selling, by the way. Anyone out there who wants one? Hello?? Uhh..
Labels: ID, intramuros, license, lost, Stephen King, strangers, The kindness of strangers
IT Help
10-08-2009 Thursday
Can somebody tell me what this fucking error is about??
There's another pop-up after that something that says error00009 click OK to debug then when I would click OK, it will restart my pc, it keeps on doing that and I'm not able to use the admin account in my pc! HELP!!
Labels: computer, help, IT, pink crimson
This is How MUCH I HATE you
10-07-2009 Wednesday
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BITCH. I SURE HOPE IT'S YOUR LAST.Go guess who this post is for. Nope. Guess again.. Nope.. Guess
again.. Ahh fuck off. Blahblah, bitch.
Labels: birthday, BITCH. mother, BITCH. pink crimson, daughter
Reborn Alpha
10-06-2009 Tuesday
It's official! I can manage the streets in my trusty Honda Alpha, alone! Yep, you heard it right! Without anyone behind me (
with that I mean 'Alex'), guiding me, telling that the stop sign is red and green means go and not the other way around, heehee.
He was here yesterday and I insisted that he let me have my motorcycle because I really need it today. He wouldn't wanna let me have it first, but when I threatened him that I'm just gonna sell it because it's no use for me that I bought it with my own money, talk about me being slightly bratty again, with my lips pouting and eyebrows crossed. Finally, he agreed, and he said that if I ever screw up in the road, he'll never let me ride it alone again. Yeah, speaking of a boyfriend-slash-big brother.
I am careful, of course, well, okay once in awhile I screw up, like I lost balance when the motor skidded on a slippery road, or when I almost hit the back of a truck, and things like that. Yeah, minor things caused by my stubbornness. I'll be very careful this time, I assured him.
Well, I lived up to my promise to him. I was careful earlier. Ok every now and then some bastard would look at me with those eyes that clearly states, 'the heck? A girl rider?' and I would let him eat the dust of my beloved Alpha. Know what? A little bit of ego boost is a really good thing, boys are more egoist than us girls, (whoever says otherwise can leave this page now), but earlier I feel like my ego is as big as the horizon in front of me as I speed away, like a bird flying free, leaving everything behind.
It feels nice. It makes me feel more like myself, more of what I want to be, more real than what I felt before leaving the house. The wind blowing against my face felt like a soft, gentle kiss of a loving parent, which is something I really wanna feel. The steady hum of the motor sounds like a lullaby to my ears, and the freedom I felt is uplifting. I am reborn because of my Alpha. I am a new me.
Now as I sit here in my usual corner where my computer resides, I'm still thinking of the ride I had earlier and I know that tomorrow, when I go to work, I'm so damn ready to hit the streets. Scared a bit? Yes of course, most accidents happen on a motorcycle but what makes me still do it? Because I want to. It's convenient, it gets me where I wanted fast, and it's cost efficient.
I'm a girl. I ride the motorcycle. I'm out there, hungry for the adrenalin rush. I practiced this mean 'hey-I'm-on-a-motorcycle' look and I can't help but crack myself up whenever a few eyebrows would raise. I'm proud of what I can do. I repeat, I'm a girl and I'm sure as hell proud of it.
Labels: girls, Honda Alpha, motorcycle, pink crimson, Proud to be a GIRL rider
Mother For Sale
10-05-2009 Monday
I've spent a good amount of my time, crying last night, crying, cursing and wishing so damn hard that I never had a mother at all. What's the use if your so-called mother doesn't act even half of what a mother should be like.
I've visited a couple of friends whose mothers are hardworking not just only in their chosen job but also in the house chores. I've seen what mothers are like from other people. Kind, generous, loving, and willing to sacrifice oneself if that's what it takes to give their child a good life, or just to make sure that their child will grow filled with love instead of hate.
Sadly, that isn't what I have at home. Instead of a hardworking mom, I am stuck with a lazyass bitch who doesn't even know if I'm still being treated fair at work, or still eating the right food three times a day. I don't know but I really hate her so bad it makes me sick to even think that I'm related to her. Like, I seriously wish if she wouldn't change to be a better mother then she'd rather be off dead and gone.
To be honest, right now, as I'm typing this, I'm no longer wishing to be rich, or to have my own house, or to have a lot of things, all I wanted is to be happy and alone with my gramma. I'll trade everything that I have now, just to have a simple kind of happiness. No headaches, no stress, nothing. Just live simple, with my gramma who is the only family I have.
My mom wasn't like that before. Sometimes, I am thinking if, by any chance, my real mother was swallowed by this woman and she's somehow, still inside this woman's belly, wanting to come out and be my mother again. Is that possible? Or am I just hallucinating now because of too much hatred? That's the only explanation, even though it's a bit insane-no,it's really insane, that seemed to be the only thing that makes sense to me now.
I've given up on her, I've given up on trying to be a good, and understanding daughter. It's too frustrating and I'm tired of waiting for her to change and be back to what she was before. I know that to most people I look like I'm the worst kind of daughter who ever walked this earth, but it's their opinion, well, it must be the truth, hell, I don't really care anymore!
Is there anyone out there who needs a mother? Here's my mother, you can have her, please, just take her away and I'll greatly appreciate it.
Labels: ANGER, BITCH. mother, daughter, FURY FUCK, HATE, pink crimson, sick
Another Obsession
10-03-2009 Saturday
Taylor Swift. Yeah I must admit I kept on hearing that name for quite some time now but I really don't pay any attention to that new it-girl of the mainstream music because I figured she's just another blonde girl who will eventually follow the footsteps of the whore-ish Britney Spears.
Heck, I'm actually dumbfounded when I read in the very handy wiki that she's a country singer. Did I read it right? Country? Not POP? Are you sure, dear wiki? I checked other sites and I was able to confirm, yes she is a country singer. Whew that's a relief because you know what, she's young, she's absolutely pretty and I can't imagine her posing like a whore or wearing nothing but a real snake while dancing in a very seductive way to the tune of some lame pop song.
Ok, with all that being said, I will say that I have a huge crush on her! Arrghh! Her songs are pretty nice anyway, for her age, she manages to write what she really feels instead of lypsinching some songs written by someone else. She looks like a normal American teen but somehow, there's something about her face that stands out in the crowd. Was it the beautiful blonde curls? Was it the breathtaking ocean blue eyes? Or was it simply her laidback charm that makes her one of a kind?
Whatever it is, I like her. I listen to 'Teardrops on my Guitar' and 'You Belong With Me', every now and then, and I'm starting to collect photos of her from the internet. I'm hopelessly into her. Sheesh.
Labels: blonde, pink crimson, TAYLOR SWIFT, teardrops in my guitar, you belong with me
Work Kills
10-02-2009 Friday
It's not surprising that as this new month begins, the assholes at work has started to roll out new programs designed to make our goals harder to reach. No surprise for us agents, who have come to realize that they either wanna get rid of us or they just wanna make more money everytime we hit our goals.
Things are really getting ugly at work, when money and commission is involved. We work hard to sell and when payday comes, what we earn is a loose change compared to what those bastards get. There's just nothing new. Same old shit, getting shittier as the months progress.
I don't usually complain about these stuff, since there's nothing we can do about it unless we plan to boycott or something like that, I just settle to go to work as usual, take calls, sell if I can and if I don't, then that's fine, I'm stressed out enough to worry about those things. I just focus on the reasons that make me stay: a.) I'm the only one who works and getting another job is pretty damn hard lately. b.) Putting the bastards in the higher management aside, I've come to love the company itself, the ambiance and the wonderful colleagues that I consider as extended family members.
I consider myself as someone who gets attached to people and things after some time and letting go could be really hard for me. Disgustingly melodramatic but hey, that's what I am, and I don't intend to change. I remember the time when I almost resigned from work and I ended up feeling lonely like I'm gonna miss them so I had to take my resignation letter back. I'm staying. The fire has continued to burn until now.
I want to achieve things. I want a good career, a good life, a good amount of money coming in every other week, and I want to live alone with my gramma or maybe get married and live happily ever fuckin after. Why is it that now I feel like it's hard to get the things I want? Still, I believe that there will never be enough reason for anyone to give up so with that said, I ain't givin' up.
I'm just pissed with the new programs, new goals and stuff at work as we approach a new month. That's all. It doesn't mean that I'm gonna quit, the point of this post is to release this anger..and maybe to note myself that I am not giving up. Ever.
Labels: bastards, gramma, pink crimson, sprint, work
So Fucking Unwanted
10-01-2009 Thursday
All I wanted was to have a peaceful life at home, a retreat after a stressful night at work, a haven where I can truly be safe and free of any worries or any care in the world. Besides, that's what a home is supposed to be right? A nice, quiet little stone house where you are surrounded by simple people you call family, all's good and you have your own piece of pristine happiness. Sounds inviting, how I wish that's what I have at home.
Unfortunately, that's not the case at home. It's far from inviting if you consider going home to a mother who doesn't give a fuck and who lets her only daughter be the one to carry the burden for the family. I didn't ask her to immediately find a job because I know how hard it is, I only wanted to see her help at home. I've discussed that with her before and she knows that's what I hate about her. She seemed to change for a few days and do some house chores but after awhile she comes back to being a lazy-fuckin-ass who has decided that TV is a better companion.
I missed the days when it's just me and my gramma at home, there's no sight of my mother sleeping for more than 12 hours per day, there's no sight of her clothes bundled up in the bathroom waiting to be cleaned, I mean, just to have the need to wash her own clothes?! God. She lets my gramma do all of that. I help in the house chores once in a while but I can't do it all the time. I'm way too drained at work to do anything else.
I'm tired of all this. I don't want her at home anymore, I want her out, just anywhere but at home. If only I could tell that to her face, hey wait, I think I already did in one of our many fights. If I remember it right, she has told me that she'll just be the one to go if that's what I wanted. Why is she still here then? Fuck.
If she don't wanna leave, then it's time for me to be the fugitive again. I need to find another house to stay in for a couple of days. let's see my options. The boarding house where the bitches live (Alex), my aunt who's too strict, or ????? Looks like I don't have much of a choice. Nah, I'll figure it out.
Labels: aunt, daughter, HATE, mother, pink crimson
