The Sickness

10-11-2009 Sunday

Today, I just proved that someone could actually get sick by doing absolutely nothing at home. The finest example for that is my goddamn lazyass mother. Would you believe that she is sick right now? And for what reason? I don't know, maybe because of too much sleeping, or too much watching TV, or maybe because she does nothing and her entire body system is just slowly dying due to lack of physical activity. That could happen right? Like on a mchine, if it's not being used, the parts get rusty and it eventually falls apart. Oh how I wish that's exactly what will happen to her now. Just fall apart and die sweetly.

Yes, I know I'm being the bad daughter again and most of you should know by now that I really don't give a fuck. Most people are so goddamn self-righteous and they kept on telling me that she's still my mother no matter what yadayada. Yeah, fuck them, they don't understand, how can you treat someone a mother if they never act like a mother to you? The people who are telling me that have a kind, loving and working mother that's why they could never understand what I'm going through. That's why for the most part, I am mum about my hatred towards my mother, I only talk about it with people whom I know will never judge me.

I remember chatting with a good friend who's like 10 years older than me and when I told him about my problem with my mom, I half-expected him to tell me that I shouldn't be like that and so, but I am glad that he totally understands because he said that his father is a verbally abusive prick (his exact words). Damn right, that's what I'm talking about. Someone who definitely knows what I feel because he feels the same way.

Those self-righteous people are forgiven for having such a perfect family and I've learned to never speak to them about being the bad daughter, that' is if I don't wanna be judged and be preached like they're such saints who has lived such perfect lives. The news for you is I'm trying to be good but I still have flaws. Let me be kind to other people, let me do an act of kindness to random strangers but never ever let me love my mother again, because I lost that love way back when I was a rebellious youngster.

Let's go back to her being sick. That's not a good news because that means, she has enough excuse to not to do house chores, to lie in bed all day and to not find a job. Yippee. If she's gonna die then just let her die, puh-leeze. My anger towards her is already getting out of hand. Hey, lemme tell you what else is worse. She's complaining about her eyes, and head hurting, and when you look for her, you'll find her a couple of inches away from the TV. Damn, I thought her eyes hurt? Fuck yeah. It's like she wanna eat the TV just so she wouldn't miss those lame shows. Maybe she doesn't wanna get well? She doesn't wanna give those damn eyes a rest. It's record breaking because she can watch the goddamn TV for 5-6 hours straight.

It's irritating me even more. When does she plan to get well and get a job? I really really really wanna leave this house while she's here, and I've ran out of choices. The only place I can go to now is at my strict aunt's house in Paranaque. It's better to deal with her than pay a huge amount of money for a bedspace in Manila. I'll talk to my aunt soon, but for now, I'll read some stories of daughters who killed their own mother. I told you my anger is far more than what anyone could imagine.

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