Without My Alex

10-23-2009 Friday

During the concert a few days ago, I had another fight with my Alex. I was just so mad, I've said a lot of hurtful things to him and I know that I have the right to be hurt because he didn't keep his promise, but I guess I'm just really having a hard time understanding his situation with those fat bitches he lives with. Those bitches always, always, always find some errand to make him do and it screws up whatever plan we had talked about.

Of course, it's not entirely his fault that he can't do something about it because his hands are tied, he really can't do much to disobey them without risking himself to be homeless. I don't know how to deal with it anymore. I'm tired of him saying something and not doing it just because those bitches made him do things. I want him out of that boarding house. If only we could find a place, live together or maybe I can adopt him at home, anything just to help him get away from them.

Things aren't that easy. I'm young, I have a lot of things I want to accomplish on my own, I'm not ready for a life with someone yet, damn it I can't even cook! Besides, I still believe in marriage. Living together without getting married could be the most preferred life of most people these days, but consider me old fashioned, folks. I'm just not comfortable with that, I mean, I can't just call someone my husband without a ring around our fingers and some papers to prove that. Jesus, what am I talking about.

So back to what I was saying, I'm mad at Alex. I simply feel that he hasn't done much to be able to keep his word, or maybe I'm just too inconsiderate of his situation. He has always been understanding to my situation, my tantrums, my everything-in-between, and what do I give him in return? Being an inconsiderate brat.

I know I've hurted him with the words I've said, and I can't just take back those words without having to swallow my pride. Well, fuck pride. I love him and he has swallowed his own pride countless times to prove me that he love me. I feel terrible right now. I asked him not to show up for awhile, just let me think for a week. Think about our situation, think about how I can deal with the bitches screwing up our plans, our relationship. It's hard. It's like having a part of him while another part belongs to someone else. That's being narrow minded, I'm well aware of that but I'm just saying what I really feel.

He did give me a week to think things over. I gave him my sim card, used another number and I never text him or anything. He didn't show up at work to pick me up, he didn't go to our house to take me to work, he gave me what I wanted and I'm not happy. I missed him so much. Everytime my shift would end, I would look around the vicinity, hoping to catch a glimpse of my red Alpha, hoping to see him standing there, watching me, waiting for me patiently with a slight smile playing around the corner of his lips. Everytime a motorcycle would roar in front of our house, I half expected it to be him but I'm disappointed to see that it's a visitor for someone else.

I go to work, go home, eat, get mad at my mother, rant and the cycle starts over as each day unfolds. I'm empty. I feel like a walking skin and bones with nothing inside. I am whole, but at the same time, I don't feel like myself, it's like a huge part is missing. This weekend, I wanted to talk to Alex. Apologize, maybe. Patch things up, definitely. Start over, yeah. Make our relationship work, yeah....

Labels: alex, love, making it work, pink crimson, relationships

posted by Monica-Lynne @ 7:18 PM